damned_institute | NIGHTSHIFT 28: M31-M40 HALLWAY

"Maybe." Acquaintances. Allies. He supposed Renji was a friend, and Raine. The others? People he spoke to, people he could trust. But not people he'd consider friends.

"They think of you as friends," she replied. "So do we. I've always thought of you as a friend. I like having you as a friend. I never had many of those either, before."

"But we aren't just friends, are we?" The words were spoken quietly. There was no denying that. They were brother and sister. And there were... other things between them as well. It couldn't be avoided.

How much easier it would be, if that was all there was. Just friendship.

"No," she replied, her voice slightly breathless as she met and held his gaze, the words just as soft as his own. "No. Not just friends. But I don't know what we are."

"Neither do I."

Maybe they never would know. Maybe this, this awkward tension, would be all there ever was. Ancestors knew. He certainly couldn't figure it out. And this was all there ever was, even now. Even laying together in bed.

"I want to find out, though," she admitted, still speaking softly, still watching his face. "I'm a little scared to, but I still want to find out."

"I don't think it's anything we can find out, Shana. It just... is." This wasn't something he could talk about easily. He felt suffocated and on edge dancing this close to it.

"That doesn't mean that we can't find out about it, does it?" she asked, her gaze dropping to his lips once more. She was tempted - he was so close. She was fascinated by the movement of his lips and it heated something deep inside her, something that filled her with a wild anticipation.

"But it doesn't mean we should try, either." He offered her a small smile, weak and apologetic. "Somethings... sometimes are best left alone. Or best left to be explored in their own time."

"And sometimes you need to stop making excuses against the inevitable," she informed him.

And then she gave into temptation and leaned in and kissed him, the brush of lips curious and tentative, tasting him like she'd wanted. She had no idea if she was doing this right - she'd never done this before, after all - but at least she'd tried.

"Shana!" Valyn froze, tensing at the touch. He didn't pull away from her or push her away, but he remained still, not returning the kiss. Ancestors, it was nice, and a part of him jumped at the brush of lips on lips.... but she was sedated, not in her right mind.

"Not like this," he said softly, turning his head a touch, resting his forehead against hers. "You aren't thinking right."

It was the truth. She wasn't. But it also gave him more time. For what, he wasn't sure.

"I'm thinking perfectly fine," she replied, even if she wasn't. She pressed another tentative kiss to the corner of his lips. "Why does this require thinking? You've done endless thinking and gotten nowhere."

"No you aren't." Valyn shook his head, reaching up to stroke her hair. "It wouldn't be right. You're in pain and on some sort of poppy drug...."

Damn it all, he wanted this. But it didn't matter. He had been honest with her - all the things between them, he couldn't just ignore them. His own physical wants and desires were secondary.

"I can't, Shana. Not like this."

"How, then?" she asked, pulling back just far enough to stare up at him. She wasn't in pain. At the moment, she felt perfectly amazing. And her lips were tingling. She wanted to kiss him again, but she wanted an answer first.

If only he weren't so cursed stubborn!

"I don't know." Thank the ancestors she'd stopped. He left his hand in her hair, hoping that small, chaste touches would be enough for her. "But not like this. Not...bleeding and exhausted and drugged in some stranger's bed."

Her gaze narrowed. "You're just saying this in hopes that I forget all about this tomorrow, aren't you?"

"I know you aren't going to forget this tomorrow." He wouldn't be that lucky.

"I'm saying this because it's the truth. We're both injured. You're drugged. Your foster brother is seriously wounded in the next room. Shadow will be back any moment, or the owners of this room. That is why I'm saying not here, and not now."

All valid points, but she wasn't happy to hear any of them. She never would be. Because despite being drugged, she was fairly certain there would be just as many excuses in the next 'here and now'.

She sidled away from him a bit, sliding down to lay her head on the pillow and stretch out on the bed. "I think I'm going to sleep for a while now," she said quietly, keeping her gaze averted, unable to look him in the eye now. She'd tried, and it hadn't worked. At the moment, there wasn't much else she could do.

"I'll stay with you." He could give her that, at least. He settled in beside her, resting his head beside hers. The covers were between them, but he could still feel the warmth of her body through them.

"If you need anything, let me know."

What she needed - or at the very least wanted - he wouldn't give, though. So she settled down into regretful silence, not knowing what else to say, even though she was nowhere near sleepy. She stared up at the ceiling, her expression thoughtful, a small frown on her lips.

It was impossible, Valyn decided, to please Shana. Perhaps Shadow had been right. Nothing would soothe her ruffled feathers short of a declaration of affection or physical overtures. But he hated laying there in silence with her.

Perhaps it was time for a change of conversation.

"Was there anything you wanted to know? About your... about our family?"

Shana blinked for a moment, then glanced over at him, wondering why he was talking when he wanted her to be quiet in the first place. Once again, she wished he'd make up his mind.

"I don't know. What is there to know?" she asked, curious. She'd never really sat and thought about them much, she had to admit; Alara and Keman had been all the family she'd always needed.

"I don't know." Valyn shrugged, an awkward movement as he was lying down.

"It's all men, on father's side. Myself and my brother, and our uncle. elven families aren't exactly large - the difficulty in reproducing sees to that. I'm afraid I'm not very close with any of them. Uncle only ever came around when father was out. They didn't get along - father was the younger of the two. But Treves is a drunkard without any ambition. He never would have been able to lead our House. I suspect my brother may take after him. Nothing I've seen of Ardeyn inspires much confidence. He wants power, that much is clear, but I don't think he's suited to it."

"Your uncle... that's Shadow's father?" Shana asked, trying to picture these men Valyn spoke of. She wondered if they were all as frustrating as him?

"V'kass Treves sur Hernalth," Valyn affirmed. "He spends most of his time drinking or gambling or in the arms of pleasure slaves. Father never had a very high opinion of him."

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