damned_institute | NIGHTSHIFT 28: M31-M40 HALLWAY

He decided he may as well make use of her drugged state. And it was something he wanted to know.

"Why do you... like me?" That was probably the safest way to phrase it. But he was curious, and it wasn't as though he'd have many opportunities to ask without making her angry.

"What do you mean, why?" Shana stared at him, looking bewildered, caught off guard by his question. "I just... you're Valyn," she finished, knowing that probably explained little to him, but made a world of sense to her.

"I make you angry more often than not," Valyn pointed out. "You can barely stand to speak with me most of the time. We bicker and fight and bait one another... And I know I'm self-centered, pedantic and patronizing. I suppose I just don't understand what appeals to you in the first place."

"I don't kmow," she answered, frowning at his words. "And you're right. You do. You also forgot stubborn. That's usually what does it. But... but that doesn't really matter much. I mean... when it first started, it was just a feeling. The first night we met, you smiled at me. Really smiled. And it hit me just like that. I'd never felt like that before, but I wanted to make you look at me and smile at me more.

"It maybe started out as just attraction, but that's not all it was. I mean, it wasn't as if the Citadel was lacking in males pretty to look at, but none of them had ever made me feel like that before. You made me feel... different. It was so frustrating at first, because you made me feel nervous and backwards and awkward. You'd make me feel hot and cold at the same time. I hated it, but I loved it too.

"And since then..." she trailed off, looking thoughtful, oblivious to the fact that she was babbling out thoughts that would normally never escape her lips. "I got to know you. Yes, you are aggravating beyond all, but you're also loyal and protective and not nearly as much of a bastard as you often seem to be. When I'm not too furious at you to see it, anyway."

Valyn frowned. To him, it did sound like just an attraction. More physical than anything else. But he supposed these weren't matters he knew all that much about. Maybe her feelings were genuine. Maybe she truly did love him. Or maybe she was just a young girl who couldn't tell the difference between infatuation and genuine emotion.

He didn't know.

"I see." He didn't know how to reply.

She narrowed her gaze at him at those two simple words. "What do you see?" she asked suspiciously.

"Your explanation." What had he said? His response had been completely neutral! He'd given no personal impressions one way or another. What had he done to upset her now?

"I almost didn't think you'd answer."

"Why not?" Again, she looked confused.

This had to be the oddest conversation she'd ever had with him.

...And considering the rest of them they'd had today, that was saying quite a bit.

"I don't know. I suppose... because those are personal things." The idea of simply sharing such close things so easily was one that made Valyn slightly envious.

"Though I reserve the right to think you're completely mad for your feelings. I'm sure there's someone more suited for you than me."

"I'm not completely mad," she protested. "Do you tell Shadow he's mad for liking you? Why is it so hard to believe? And this whole conversation is personal, so of course my answer would be that way."

"I don't constantly fight with and frustrate Shadow," Valyn pointed out. "And Shadow isn't my sister. The situation isn't the same, and you know it." They couldn't be compared. There were too many differences.

"I'm not used to having personal conversations."

"That's because he's more used to you." And because Shadow had more patience than she did, and the tact to keep his mouth shut. Which she really needed to work on. "He's your cousin, though."

"That's because you get all prickly."

"Cousin is different than sister." More acceptable. Valyn shifted, settling onto his back next to Shana.

"I don't get prickly."

"Still related," she countered with a rueful look. "You just share a grandfather instead of a father."

"You do get prickly. Very prickly. And you get that look on your face."

"It's not as close a kinship." And it wasn't. It was more far removed. The generations went back further. It wasn't as... wrong.

"It's not prickly. I can't speak on personal subjects, Shana. Not without a great deal of difficulty."

Shana opened her mouth to retort and then firmly shut it once more. Just because he was being stubborn didn't mean she had to, too. They weren't going to agree. To him, this made a huge difference, whereas to her, it meant little. Then again, Valyn was much more concerned with the whole 'related' revelation thing than she was. She wondered if he'd pulled these same excuses on Shadow? She'd have to ask the other halfblood, and then ask how to get around them. Kissing him sadly hadn't worked, as she'd hoped it would.

"You're speaking of them now. Sort of. You have all day."

"Not really." Valyn shook his head. He hadn't said one word about what he felt. There had been a great deal of discussion about what he thought, but not about what he felt. Those words wouldn't come.

It had all been rather shallow talk, regardless of the subject matter.

"It's difficult to explain."

Shana wasn't sure you could get more personal than telling someone you liked them, that you were in love with someone else, and that you were siblings - and not consider it personal.

"Try?" she asked, peering up at him as she carefully rolled over to curl up on her side, watching him as she pillowed her cheek on the back of her hand.

"I don't have the words." Valyn reached out, brushing his knuckles across her cheek and shaking his head, sadly. "I can recite facts and give you my opinions, but I can't express how I feel. I want to, but I can't. All those things you said to me... I couldn't say something like that to you. I can tell you what I think of you, but not how I feel about you."

"Is what you think of me and how you feel about me so very different?" she asked curiously, leaning into the touch, lifting her hand to rest over the back of his, liking the warmth and the gentleness of his touch.

"Very much so. Isn't it always?" He thought a great many things about her - not all of them flattering. But what he felt was something altogether different. They were two separate things.

They were venturing into dangerous territory again. What was taking Shadow so long? Or was this part of his plan? Leave them alone until something happened....

"Not really," she replied. "What I think is tied to what I feel about you. I don't just feel one thing all the time. When I think I'm annoyed at you, I feel annoyed. You have to admit, you can be horribly aggravating. Then again, so can I, so I've not much room to talk. But then again, even when I am annoyed at you, it doesn't change the deeper feelings, so I suppose in a way you're right."

"Maybe our problems stem not from our differences, but our similarities." They were there. Valyn wasn't keen on the idea of analyzing his flaws, but for every one he found, he saw it mirrored in Shana. Had she been raised in Elven society, how different would she be? How different would they be then?

"Do we have any?" Shana blinked at him, looking surprised. She didn't think she had all that much the same as him. He was confident and clever - which could also be occasionally arrogant and manipulative, depending on her mood - but he always seemed so sure of himself, and always so right. Shana never felt like that.

"We're both stubborn, irritable, temperamental, defensive and set in our ways." Valyn said it with a small smile, at least. But it was true.

NIGHTSHIFT 28: M31-M40 HALLWAY

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