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damned_institute2009-03-05 10:39 pm
haplesstracker.livejournal.com) wrote in damned_institute2009-03-05 10:39 pm
Nightshift 39: M31-40 Hallway
Along with giving him an idea for a good cover story, Scourge's conversation with the soldier-human on the bulletin board had made the tracker stop and think about his place in the Decepticon hierarchy. More specifically, the fact that he didn't have one. Galvatron wasn't here anymore, there was no one who he was obligated to by virtue of creation. He was a free agent for the first time in his life, and it wasn't as scary as he thought it'd be.
Lugnut and Blitzwing probably wouldn't be too happy with him thinking like this, but who cared? They were both crazy, Blitzwing random and Lugnut stubborn, and without a stabilizing Cyclonus-like influence Scourge suspected they wouldn't get very far. Better to get himself a better footing with someone saner and just give lip service to "mighty Megatron" when it was convenient.
In the meantime, Scourge had to see a Superboy about a virginity. What exactly that would entail he wasn't really sure, but it sounded a lot more fun than raiding the kitchen with pointless idiots who seemed to be liking him less and less as things went on.
The tracker took out the wooden cooking spoon he'd found last night, set it on the floor with his foot on the scoop end, and yanked upwards. The spoon cracked and left him with a long rod with a dangerously pointy and splintered end that would probably at least distract anything with a squishy place to stick it in. Better than nothing. The makeshift wooden shiv went in one pocket, the flashlight in the other--with his eyes he wouldn't need it for anything but small details and it would be easier to hide in the dark. The handle of the pan went in his hand and the tracker cautiously went out into the hallway. Let him be a force to be reckoned with.
Or at least one that made the other guy look like a tastier option.
[To here.]
Lugnut and Blitzwing probably wouldn't be too happy with him thinking like this, but who cared? They were both crazy, Blitzwing random and Lugnut stubborn, and without a stabilizing Cyclonus-like influence Scourge suspected they wouldn't get very far. Better to get himself a better footing with someone saner and just give lip service to "mighty Megatron" when it was convenient.
In the meantime, Scourge had to see a Superboy about a virginity. What exactly that would entail he wasn't really sure, but it sounded a lot more fun than raiding the kitchen with pointless idiots who seemed to be liking him less and less as things went on.
The tracker took out the wooden cooking spoon he'd found last night, set it on the floor with his foot on the scoop end, and yanked upwards. The spoon cracked and left him with a long rod with a dangerously pointy and splintered end that would probably at least distract anything with a squishy place to stick it in. Better than nothing. The makeshift wooden shiv went in one pocket, the flashlight in the other--with his eyes he wouldn't need it for anything but small details and it would be easier to hide in the dark. The handle of the pan went in his hand and the tracker cautiously went out into the hallway. Let him be a force to be reckoned with.
Or at least one that made the other guy look like a tastier option.
[To here.]
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Suzaku's speculation that the two events might be related dulled what relief Lelouch felt at the news, and as much as he hated the idea, he had to admit that it did seem suspicious. Except... "In order to gain possession of a Code, one must give up his or her Geass," he said, shaking his head. "There's no way the Emperor could have done such a thing." Unless he'd given up his Code? Would that have returned his Geass? Would he even have surved that? He had to have given his Code to someone else, too, and as neither Lelouch nor his mother qualified, it was impossible. C.C. was another option, he supposed, but none of what Suzaku had said suggested that it could have happened.
The rest of the events in the World of C didn't fit what was happening here either. He and Suzaku had been at the very center of it, and as there had been others to arrive before them and no one else from had come from their universe, this had to be something else. The only question was what.
"We shouldn't assume that those events helped shape the current situation," Lelouch said decisively, some of his composure returning as he grew more certain of himself. It wasn't much-- just the faint lifting of his head and the restoration of some of his previous calm-- but it was something. "I don't know about you, but I'm not interested in limiting myself by using what's already proven to be an outdated model. It's time for a paradigm shift." He probably could have phrased that more politely, but he didn't care and it got the point across.
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He could tell that Lelouch was already taking charge of the situation, and of himself. Already trying to get back on his feet and move on, using what he'd just learned. Suzaku knew he had put his faith in the right person -- someone who sinned, maybe, someone who had been misguided at points, but ultimately someone strong enough to bring the change the world sorely needed. Lelouch would continue to fight for the future no matter what happened, no matter what he himself lost, and Suzaku would do the same. Suzaku had found this surety back on the plane of the Sword of Akasha, and it was only being reinforced now. Even in this place, they would manage to do something about the state of things. Suzaku had to believe that, and looking at Lelouch now, he really could.
"I know what you mean," he replied, almost smiling. Trust Lelouch to put it that way. Even if the events were connected, they would have to treat this situation as a new obstacle and give it everything they had. "I think we should keep the possibility in mind, though, at least until we get more information." Information that was definitely lacking at this point. The worst part about this situation was that it was hard to find a place to start. They would make do, they always did, but this would be a challenge.
"Did you have any more questions about the Ragnarok, or anything else that happened?"
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"Several come to mind," he said slowly, thinking back over everything he'd heard so far. It was tempting to start off with a question about Nunnally's death and how he could prevent it, but as prominent in his mind as that issue was, it still came second to stopping his parents and getting out of here. Suzaku likely wasn't prepared for it yet, either, and as much as Lelouch had wanted to hurt him earlier, bringing up such a painful subject now wasn't entirely appropriate. He didn't think he could put it off for much longer when it had dominated his thoughts for more of the day, but he could wait.
"You said that we stopped them, but you didn't mention how or what happened to them afterward. With their intentions, they couldn't have been allowed to remain in either the real world or the World of C, but..." He trailed off, brow furrowing. How did you kill an immortal and someone whose physical form had died years ago? It probably should have horrified him that he was thinking this about his own parents, but after what they'd done, he considered it perfectly justified.
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"Well, it was mostly you," he began uncertainly. He supposed he'd done his part, but it had mostly been Lelouch's struggle. "You used your Geass -- the World of C is the connection of all the minds of humanity, so you called on all of them to stop your parents. Your Geass got stronger in the process, too, I think; it appeared in your right eye. And then the Sword of Akasha started to fall apart, and -- and, um, your parents were absorbed by the World of C. I think they just. . . don't exist anymore. Providing they didn't escape and aren't involved with all this."
Lelouch probably wasn't the kind of person who would be too troubled by that. If he thought they deserved it, he could kill his own family members, he'd already proven that. It still felt like something that Suzaku shouldn't be allowed to tell Lelouch, second-hand like this. It still felt like something that would hurt Lelouch, if Suzaku were honest with himself about why it made him so uncomfortable. Not like he should care about whether Lelouch felt hurt or not, but this wasn't the kind of way Suzaku wanted to hurt anybody. He didn't want to intrude on things like this, on something between family members, on the pain of killing your parent.
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He fell silent after that, staring at the floor and dropping his hand from his head so that he could lace his fingers together in front of him. As foolish as it was, he couldn't decide if he should be feeling regret at this point. He hadn't yet done the deed himself, but he knew he would carry out this duty unflinchingly once the time came. That may as well have been the same thing, right? But his parents had deserved it-- both of them had-- and above all else, it had been necessary to ensure that the world would have a future.
All right. He wouldn't regret it. They had more important things to focus on anyway.
He separated his hands and finally straightened fully in his seat, his gaze settling on Suzaku one more. It was almost alarming how much they had in common now, but despite all of that, Lelouch couldn't think of Suzaku as anything other than an incredibly painful ally. Especially since... well, there was no point in delaying it now.
"The events leading up to Nunnally's death," Lelouch began, surprising himself with just how steady his voice sounded but letting none of this show on his face. "What were they? Be specific."
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And when Lelouch did, Suzaku wished they could have just stayed in silence forever. Of course Lelouch would want to know about that -- he was still probably struggling to understand that it had really happened. And there was the possibility. . . Suzaku wondered if Lelouch's memories had actually been erased at all. With all the manipulation of time going on, it was possible Lelouch came from a different time period from him within their own world. At least, Suzaku was pretty sure Lelouch was thinking along those lines, what with the questions he had been asking. Suzaku wasn't so sure, because he himself had seen Lelouch just after the time this Lelouch claimed to have been taken from. Maybe once they got out of here they would find a way to return to the exact time from which they were taken, but then Lelouch wouldn't have made the same mistakes twice. Unless -- no, it didn't make any sense, all the time loops and different continuities.
This wasn't the time to be thinking about it, anyway, because for whatever reason Lelouch wanted to know what happened. And Suzaku would have to say it. Out loud. He'd have to acknowledge what he'd done, relive it all again. But he wasn't going to shrink from it, he wasn't going to deny the responsibility he had. He'd done this, he would live up to it, and the least he could do was to recite his crimes. It was a just punishment in its own right, and if he couldn't, then he was just a coward who evaded the consequences of his actions.
That didn't make it any easier. Now Suzaku was the one staring at the floor as he began in the most tightly controlled voice he could manage, figuring he might as well start at the beginning, "When we met at the Kururugi Shrine, we agreed that I would help you save Nunnally if you would end your war. We were going to do it together. But Prince Schneizel had me followed, and you were captured. You assumed that I'd betrayed you again. I hadn't known, but I -- I should have made more of an effort to make sure I wasn't followed. It was my fault.
"I don't know when you had the opportunity, but at some point you'd placed a Geass on Guilford, and he helped you escape. So you went to continue the battle for Tokyo. Every part of our meeting was recorded, and that's how Prince Schneizel found out about your identity, and Geass. I was sent back out with the Lancelot, which had been armed with the F.L.E.I.A." Here Suzaku faltered for just a moment, before hardening his voice and continuing.
"It's a weapon of mass destruction, developed by Nina's team. She wanted me to fire it at you, but I planned just to use it to force your surrender. But you didn't believe me when I said what kind of weapon I was carrying, because you thought I'd lied to you earlier. At some point, Kallen escaped, and she took the Guren to protect you. Lloyd and Cecile had modified it so much that it outperformed my Lancelot, and when you, um, when you ordered Kallen to kill me, it became obvious that I wasn't going to win against her. I should have retreated at that point. I should have known what was going to happen when -- when it became clear that I wasn't going to live."
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He turned away sharply, the dispassionate mask he'd only just succeeded in sculpting for himself falling away and shattering. Suzaku may have been perfectly willing to accept responsibility for all of those deaths, but that didn't change the fact that he would never have fired a weapon like that if he had been in complete control of himself. Lelouch's Geass had forced his hand, and everyone had suffered for it. Nunnally had suffered for it. The last person Lelouch had wanted to hurt had paid the ultimate price for his mistakes, and now...
He leaned forward heavily, his elbows catching on the desk and just barely holding him upright as he slipped further into despair. He kept his face angled away from Suzaku, determined to keep the tears welling in his eyes hidden. Suzaku could not see him cry, not when he'd only blame himself again for something he hadn't done-- not willingly, at least. No, the blame rested solely on Lelouch's shoulders. It always had, and if what he'd just been told was true, it always would. There was no escaping it, especially when through Suzaku, he'd massacred millions. Like princess, like knight-- was that how it was? Would he always end up forcing those he cared about most to kill and die in his stead? He'd never meant to order Euphy (poor, sweet Euphy) to kill the Japanese and he'd never meant for Suzaku's life to cost so many others theirs, but he had and it did. And now... now the only thing he was left with was the knowledge that he, Lelouch, had been the one responsible for all of it. Everything up until this point had been his fault.
"Did-- did everyone on the student council...?" he asked, struggling to keep his voice even. The dam holding back all of the emotions that had built up in him over the past day was threatening to break-- already was breaking, if the tears continuing to obscure his vision were any indication. He couldn't seem to stop them, and in a last ditch effort to keep them hidden (probably useless by this point, considering how much he was shaking from trying to keep it all in), he shielded his face from view with one hand in a poor approximation of his usual thoughtful pose. There really was no purpose to this pretense, but as long as it stopped Suzaku from asking what was wrong, Lelouch saw no reason to give it up just yet.
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"The Student Council building was right outside of the blast zone. As far as I know, they're all fine," Suzaku answered, finally looking up. Something in Lelouch's tone had struck him as wrong. No matter how hard he tried, Lelouch couldn't completely conceal the emotion choking his voice. It also didn't fit that Lelouch would be so concerned over the Student Council. They might be his friends, but he hadn't cared when it was Shirley, had he? Or at any rate, he'd been able to overcome whatever compassion he might have had, enough to eliminate her. So why -- ?
Lelouch was slumped over, shielding his face, and shaking. As Suzaku stared, what he had heard in the other's voice clicked. Lelouch wasn't -- was he crying? That wasn't. . . that wasn't supposed to happen. It didn't fit. Lelouch was Zero, he was always in control, he was always strong enough to do anything to achieve the results he wanted, no matter what the consequences. Even without the mask, Lelouch would keep coldly working toward his goals no matter how many deaths were on his shoulders. Even before Suzaku knew how Lelouch could calculate the benefit of a person's death, he'd always seen Lelouch as perfectly in control of himself. Suzaku knew Zero couldn't have cried after the SAZ massacre, so what was he doing crying now?
"Lelouch? Are. . . are you --" Suzaku managed to cut himself off before he could finish the thought. Lelouch wouldn't want him to acknowledge this, and their relationship right now didn't leave room for that kind of thing anyway. Those things just couldn't be said between them, even if he did feel an unexpected, instinctive pain at the sight of someone he used to care about so distraught. He didn't know what he was supposed to do, or even what he wanted to do. Put his hand on Lelouch's shoulder? Hit him? Turn the other way and pretend it never happened?
The last option was probably the most reasonable, but Suzaku couldn't just leave this the way it was. He didn't know exactly what was going through Lelouch's head, but he knew that he wasn't supposed to be acting like this. He wasn't supposed to let himself be overtaken by what was in the past, but to move on toward the future. That's what Zero was as a symbol, and what Lelouch was as a person, so Suzaku couldn't let him fall apart like this.
"Lelouch." He tried at least to soften his tone a bit, though that might be a lost cause. "What happened, happened. The only thing we can do is make sure it doesn't happen again, do everything we can to make sure everyone else has a future, no matter what you and I have become. You know that."
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A second hand joined the first, and although he was trying his hardest to stay utterly silent, he couldn't quite quiet the huge, racking sobs that shook his entire frame. It was all too much. Waking up here, those cats, Nunnally's death, Suzaku's betrayal, his Geass malfunctioning, Ragnarok, his parents' abandonment, his parents' deaths, F.L.E.I.A.-- there had been so much that had happened within the past twenty-four hours that would have been enough to stop or slow Lelouch down on its own, but he'd kept moving onward regardless. It was all catching up to him now, and even though he was trying to escape or at least postpone this reaction, he couldn't stop it.
He crumpled even further in his seat, all but ignoring everything Suzaku had said as he continued crying uncontrollably. He understood what the words meant, yes, but if Suzaku honestly expected him to magically recuperate right now because of them, he was even more idiotic than Lelouch had thought.
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Suzaku couldn't help feeling stunned. Yes, he had told Lelouch a lot of awful, traumatizing things, and yes, in the process of one day Lelouch had lost nearly everything, not to mention being locked up in a pseudo-mental institution, but Suzaku had never really imagined him being capable of this. Not since he had found out Zero's identity, at any rate, and since then he had done his best to shut out any other perceptions of Lelouch. This was something he had never dreamed of witnessing, and had never wanted to witness, not even when he was out for Lelouch's blood. It was almost terrifying to see someone like that breaking down, especially because he knew that Lelouch would never allow himself to do this in front of Suzaku. Which meant he had truly reached a breaking point, and had completely lost control.
And he still didn't know what to do. He had been Lelouch's friend for too long for this not to be painful to watch, and he had a feeling that even if they had never been friends this would disturb him, just because of the kind of person Lelouch was. Yet, his own empathy surprised him. He knew he had misjudged Lelouch, but he had never expected himself to care about the other boy this much again. Maybe it was just the force of habit. Either way, he almost wanted to -- to reach out and touch Lelouch, do something to make this stop, he didn't know what. But that wouldn't help. Anything he did, anything he said at this point would only make things worse, because Lelouch would never want that coming from him.
So the only thing he could do was to wait for Lelouch to get a hold of himself again. Even though he wanted Lelouch to be stronger than this, to snap out of it, even though he was more shaken than he cared to admit, he would just have to let Lelouch cry. He should probably leave the room and give the other some space, but even that much obvious recognition of the situation might offend Lelouch. So he just released a shaky breath and looked away; that was the least he could do. He stared at the wall and just waited, trying not to flinch at the sound of every choked-off sob.
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After a few more moments, he took a deep breath and let it out in a shuddering sigh, wiping away any lingering traces of tears and staring determinedly at the opposite wall. There was so much he could have said then, most of which seemed to consist of cheap excuses as to why his breakdown had happened at all, but since Suzaku hadn't mentioned it (thank god), he spent that time focusing on breathing normally and trying very hard not to check and see what Suzaku's reaction had been. As far as Lelouch was concerned, he was supposed to be the calmer, cooler, and more collected one, but apparently-- no, he shouldn't be thinking about that right now.
He sat with his head bowed after that, lowering his arms and crossing them tightly over his chest. He was hyper-aware of Suzaku's presence just then, much as he wished he weren't, but at the same time, he was unwilling to acknowledge it. Which way could the conversation turn, anyway? He supposed he could reply to his friend's-- former friend's reassurances now, but the way to do that escaped him. Perhaps it would be better to ignore them. That policy seemed to have worked so far, and as awful as dancing around the issue probably was, Lelouch latched onto the idea fairly quickly. Anything to avoid actually talking about it.
"If I could find a way to prevent that-- prevent you from firing F.L.E.I.A.-- how do you think events would change?" he asked finally, still not looking over. To make an extreme understatement, it sounded like a pivotal moment in their world's history, but if that was what killed Nunnally, how could Lelouch alter that chain of events without any repercussions? Approaching the problem rationally was probably beyond him at this point, even with his efforts to regain control of himself, but he had to try. Sparing Suzaku the pain of causing that many deaths was another reason to do it, but if that meant saving everyone for a worse fate later, what was the point?
What Lelouch ultimately needed to know, he decided, was whether or not foiling Ragnarok hinged upon the firing of F.L.E.I.A. If it was a choice between ten million or the entire world, there was no real choice at all, but Nunnally-- or could he simply delay F.L.E.I.A. so that she had time to escape...? Was that even possible? He didn't know. There were too many variables to consider, and even though Suzaku had played a crucial part in it all, Lelouch couldn't be sure that hearing only his side of the story would help to unravel them all.
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Lelouch wasn't looking at him, sitting there hugging himself and looking for all the world like a lost child. Vulnerability really didn't suit him. Suzaku supposed this was his fault too, even if Lelouch deserved it to some extent. Did he, though? This was a side to Lelouch he'd never dreamed existed, and he wasn't sure what to think anymore. Except that he'd hurt Lelouch along with everyone else, and he was only just realizing that there was a part of Lelouch that could be hurt. Too late -- he was always too late when it came to understanding things about Lelouch.
He at least knew his former friend would be feeling humiliated now, so he decided not to say anything. If Lelouch was this close to the edge now, it would be a mistake to affront his pride, one of the few things he had left. So Suzaku followed his lead in continuing the conversation as if nothing had happened.
What Lelouch wanted to talk about, however. . . Suzaku frowned. He more than anyone wished he could change the past, erase all his sins and stop everyone from dying, but at this point in his life he recognized that awful things sometimes needed to happen. The world was what it was because of the mistakes of the past, and if all that was erased, there would be no future. There was no choice but to live with it, and he was prepared to do so. And yet, if there was a way to go back in time and change things. . . it wouldn't have to be like that. Maybe. Maybe everything would find a way of happening anyway. Or maybe messing with the timeline, trying to alter fate, would make things even worse. The way events were connected was so complex, it would be impossible to foresee all the effects of trying to change something like that, even for Lelouch. And if they couldn't be absolutely sure of the outcome, it might just be too dangerous, considering what was at stake.
"I don't know," he said honestly. "If F.L.E.I.A. was never fired, a ceasefire might not have been called, and if the Black Knights didn't try to hand you over to Prince Schneizel, you might not have gone after your father. I think at that point that was the only thing left that you could do. But Schneizel might have tried to have that meeting anyway. Then again, if you weren't distraught over Nunnally you might have been able to find a way out of that situation. I'm not sure, because I don't know the details of what happened there. And it's always possible you would have gone after your father anyway. I definitely wouldn't have, but you could have stopped the Ragnarok on your own. Basically, I don't think there's any way we could know for sure what would happen, and if that's true. . . I don't want those people to have died any more than you do. But I don't know if it's worth the risk. You're thinking of using the technology they have here, aren't you?"
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"In a sense," Lelouch said, voice quiet but steady for once. "If we ever do manage to escape, it would be logical to assume that we would return to our original times and continue our lives as if we hadn't left at all. In my case, that would mean meeting you at the Kururugi Shrine and living through everything we've just discussed." What a horrible thought. He supposed it wouldn't be quite as bad as all that once it actually happened because he knew what was to come, but that didn't change the fact that he'd not only have to experience those events for himself but allow them to unfold as intended. He could do it-- no, he would do it. Then Suzaku would know that none of it had been his fault. Lelouch had accepted the burden of others' sins before, and since F.L.E.I.A. would have been fired because of his own foolish actions anyway, it wasn't really changing anything, was it?
He couldn't exactly pitch it to Suzaku in that way, though, so after tilting his head briefly in consideration, Lelouch leaned back in his seat, crossed his legs, uncrossed his arms, and looked over at Suzaku with a small smirk on his face. "I suppose that means now you know why I made you do it. Just think: if I hadn't ordered Kallen to kill you, all of those people would have survived." He heaved a careless sigh. "A small sacrifice, and of course I never meant to harm Nunnally in the process, but you understand." There was a very, very real chance that Suzaku would see through this immediately, but maybe he could hate Lelouch for trying and accomplish the exact same end that way. Anything to make him see that he wasn't the one responsible for all of this.
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If Lelouch went through with this, that meant that the Lelouch from his own time had already allowed everything to happen. It meant that Lelouch had manipulated him again, forced him to take the blame for a horrible massacre, just like --
Lelouch was indeed the person Suzaku thought he was, crying fit notwithstanding. To be able to go through with this so coldly, to reduce even the sister he loved more than anyone in the world to one of his sacrificial pawns, it was the very definition of everything Suzaku had hated about Zero. People shouldn't be seen that way, no matter how necessary the results were, people shouldn't be manipulated into taking responsibility for things that went against everything they believed.
And yet, he knew now that sometimes the results were more important, knew that he had the strength to acknowledge an awful means as necessary to a better end. Knew that things weren't so simple as being able to take the easy moral choices and have everything turn out alright, that the world was uglier than that. In fact, this was exactly what he had wanted from Lelouch, the ability to follow this sinful path to its bitter end. But he had only reached that conclusion because of the F.L.E.I.A., which Lelouch had knowingly manipulated him into firing! Suzaku was distantly aware that his hands had curled into fists, that he had clenched his jaw with rage. Once again, everything he had believed had been a lie, and it was all Lelouch's doing.
But. . . even as he was nearly blinded with sudden hatred, even as the blood was pounding in his ears, nearly shutting out all sound, somehow he could still hear the echo of those sobs. It didn't add up, this cold, manipulative bastard he was so familiar with, and that reaction earlier. Could he have completely misinterpreted Lelouch? Was Lelouch nothing but layers upon layers of masks and manipulations? After -- after Euphie, Suzaku had thought he'd seen Lelouch for what he really was, utterly ruthless in his ability to do anything to achieve results. Even after the Ragnarok, he'd known that Lelouch's motives were true, but he still saw him as nearly inhuman in the way he could do, yes, anything. But had that been just as much of a lie? He believed Lelouch knew his actions were wrong, but that was different from. . . Maybe he had cried for the Japanese at the SAZ. For Euphemia. She had been his sister too, after all.
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There was still a way out. There had to be, it was too awful to comprehend, and now Suzaku was the one clinging to the slightest hope. Besides, it just didn't make any sense. Lelouch would allow it to happen because Suzaku told him what happened; Suzaku knew what happened because Lelouch had allowed it to happen. It was just a pointless loop. Why did it have to be like this?
"We don't know it's like that," he said desperately. "We don't know for sure. There's no reason to think we weren't taken from the same point in time and you just had your memories erased." Aside from the fact that that didn't make much sense, but since when did anything that had happened here make sense? He just couldn't believe Lelouch would do this, that he could do that to himself. Knowing the whole time that --
Suzaku's eyes flew open. "Wait." Lelouch wouldn't have to do this, he had to believe that. He just couldn't accept it any other way. "I was thinking of us going back and changing a couple things, with our earlier selves just going through their own actions. But if you go through those events knowing everything I just told you, then you don't need a reason to go find Charles. You'll know you have to go. You can stop the F.L.E.I.A. and still stop your parents. The only difference is that I wouldn't have had the motivation to find him if it hadn't been for the F.L.E.I.A., so I wouldn't be your ally afterward. But you don't really need me, and even if you do, I'm sure you can think of some way to trick me into going to Kaminejima at the right time. If anyone can find a way to make it work, it's you."
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Just when it seemed like it was a complete success, though, Suzaku closed his eyes and seemed to shake off. Lelouch frowned immediately, not liking where this could head. There was another aspect to this that he'd wanted to hide from Suzaku: condemning himself to repeating those same mistakes and recreating the tragedies from Suzaku's past was something he couldn't have done without knowing what he did now. Since all of that knowledge had come from Suzaku, neither of them were entirely blameless anymore; Suzaku had probably even realized that. Still, Lelouch had been the one to ask all of those questions and he was the one making the decision to continue regardless. He could handle this alone if the situation called for it.
The frown vanished as soon as Suzaku's eyes opened again, but rather than returning to his previous smirk, Lelouch looked away and did his best not to fidget. He had to be totally uncompromising now if he wanted to preserve their world's future, and the things that Suzaku was suggesting stood in direct opposition to all of that. It was horribly fatalistic of Lelouch to think this way, but after all that had been said, he was convinced that there was no other way. The only problem was making Suzaku see that, and if it meant making himself the villain in the process, Lelouch would do it.
"Think about what you're saying for a moment," he said coldly, steepling his hands in front of him and forcing himself to make eye contact. "If I stop F.L.E.I.A. and prevent you from seeking out the Emperor, how would you be able to tell me to do all of that now? How would you have even told me what lay in my future? None of it would have happened, and although it wouldn't surprise me if the institute were immune to that sort of paradox, do you really think we can risk taking that chance if it isn't?
"Do you think trying to convince me to take a different route will even work when the fact that you're sitting right in front of me proves that it won't?" he asked, his tone now openly mocking. "I decided long ago that I would walk the path of carnage in order to create a better world, Suzaku. I cannot allow personal feelings to stand in the way of that, not when the only other alternative is throwing the universe into chaos." The words rang truer than those he normally would have used for a performance like this, but even though there was a lot he was trying to keep hidden from Suzaku right now, Lelouch couldn't stop himself from wishing that his friend would understand everything he wanted to accomplish and agree with it. It was a habit he couldn't quite seem to break.
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If he thought about it more calmly, he would realize that that very unknown was why this had to be done, but he couldn't accept this. Not just because he didn't want F.L.E.I.A. to be fired, or because he didn't want himself to be guilty of that crime, but because Lelouch -- this was what he had wanted out of Lelouch, true. But to placidly accept his fate and go along with it, without at least trying for a better future, that wasn't something he could see Lelouch doing. Or that he wanted to see Lelouch doing. Maybe it was because he had just come to understand Lelouch more than ever, maybe it was because he hadn't fully shaken off the belief that there was always a good way to achieve the desired ends, maybe it was just plain denial. Whichever, he couldn't stand the thought. What was Lelouch thinking? How could he be willing to do this to himself?
His desperation boiling over, Suzaku slammed his fist down on the desk, his voice rising. "Do you really think you can't change your own future? Aren't you even going to try, when it's worth so much? If you're not fighting for the future, then you're not even living!"
But Lelouch was fighting for the future, Suzaku knew that. He was doing what it would take to move toward a future beyond the Ragnarok. And what it would take was to deny himself his own emotions, just like Suzaku had decided to do himself. Even so, not even to try to find a better way. . . Suzaku had to fight to calm himself down again. He always reacted so impulsively, but there wasn't room for him to act that way anymore. He knew better now, just as he knew that evil actions sometimes had to be taken for the good of the world.
"You can at least save Nunnally," he said more quietly, after a moment. "Make sure she gets away from the blast, and don't let me know. Don't let anyone know she's alive, and pretend like she's dead. That won't change anything. I'm sure you can figure out a way to do it."
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He turned away again, disgusted with both himself and Suzaku. Lelouch wanted to save his sister so badly, to save all of them, but those uncertainties-- was there even a way to get rid of them? He'd tried finding one earlier on the bulletin, but that research had proven to be inconclusive at best. Maybe if he did more-- but was he only fooling himself? His disgust grew even further. If his own beliefs could be cast into doubt this easily, they couldn't have been worth anything in the first place, but if he'd been right and giving in meant damning everyone to his parents' world...
Resisting the urge to rake his hand through his hair or cross his arms over his chest again, Lelouch turned back to Suzaku and gave him a long look. During that short interval, he'd managed to chase away most of the emotions that had been slowly creeping their way back onto his face, but not all of them. If he hadn't broken down already, now would have been the time to do it, but once was more than enough.
"Suzaku..." he began slowly instead, giving up the cold routine for now but still restraining himself from showing too much. "I can swear to you that I will try to find a way, but you know as well as I do that unless we can know for absolute certain, I can't take that kind of risk. This concerns more than you or me or Nunnally, don't you see? Even the smallest change could ensure that my parents succeed, and while there may be a way around that, the amount of information I would need to calculate it--" He broke off, his features twisting with worry and pain. If a butterfly flapping its wings could cause hurricanes halfway across the world, what could something like this do? Ragnarok. The death of the gods. The end of everything that was new and a retreat into the world of the past. Nunnally never would have wanted that.
"Don't ask me again," he ordered, looking away. "I already-- just don't."
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No, Suzaku knew better than that, even if it was the last thing he wanted to believe. He didn't have the freedom to choose what to believe anymore; even if Lelouch had twisted his beliefs, that in itself was just proof of the cold hard facts. That there was no way to bring about a better world without millions of people dying, without both of them sacrificing everything they loved and wanted to believe in, sacrificing even their own morality. This was just the same as everything else.
Except that, while Suzaku thought he had lived through true horror, nothing had been quite like this. Especially because of the look on Lelouch's face, the way his voice sounded. Would it always come down to the two of them having to do this kind of thing? Did they not even deserve a chance to redeem themselves? Suzaku closed his eyes again, turning his head away sharply.
It was that look on Lelouch's face more than anything that made him calm down. Lelouch didn't want to listen, despite the fact that he himself was obviously pained by the idea. And even if some part of Suzaku still refused to accept it, he knew Lelouch was right. It was just about the hardest thing he had ever had to admit.
Suzaku swallowed. "Okay," he said quietly. He would obey the order because he had to. He didn't have a choice, this was going nowhere, and they probably had no other option. But he wasn't going to give up completely until he knew that for sure. There might still be a way around it, if they found out enough about how the Institute's time travel technology worked. It didn't matter if it was a lost cause, it didn't matter if it was weak to cling to false hope, just that there was no excuse for giving up when there was still a possibility. Even if Lelouch came to a point where he was sure there was no other way, Suzaku would keep looking. He just couldn’t reconcile himself to the idea of letting Lelouch do this.
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Fighting back a sudden wave of exhaustion, Lelouch surreptitiously rubbed at his eyes and resisted the urge to yawn. Too much had happened in one day, and now that there seemed to be nothing nearly as exciting on the horizon, he wanted nothing more than to collapse onto his bed. He couldn't do that when there was more to discuss, however, so forcing back the tantalizing notion of sleep, he corrected his posture and tried to think of some way to change the topic without making it seem like he was overeager about it. Was that even possible? Probably not. Still, this silence had gone on long enough.
"Our first order of business is to select the most appropriate club to join," he started, sounding for all the world like they'd been discussing this the entire time and any mention of Ragnarok, F.L.E.I.A., or Nunnally had been incidental if not completely accidental. "The three largest and most influential are Arts and Crafts, the Cooking Club, and the History Club, but as all of them have grown fairly set in their ways and have established power structures, trying to institute the changes I have in mind would have been met with considerable resistance if we were to start with them.
"Luckily, the leaders of all three groups and several others have recently made steps towards unification, and as that was the first problem I intended to address, we can focus on the far simpler task of aiding the process and setting ourselves up as indispensable allies and advisers." He snuck a glance at Suzaku, interested in seeing what his reaction would be to the fact that Lelouch was proposing methods that weren't entirely subversive for once. "Support roles aren't my first choice for either of us, but as we are still new and have yet to prove ourselves, they will have to do for now.
"As far as how we're supposed to accomplish this, assuming control of one of the smaller, less organized groups should do the trick. Lost and Found caught my eye; it doesn't have a leader at the moment and it seems like one of the more agreeable clubs around, not to mention the sort an ordinary high school student might be interested in joining. Their loose standards would grant us a certain level of flexibility, but we'd have to tighten those sooner rather than later. What wins people over are results, and while I intend to keep enough of the original spirit of the group to avoid alienating the older members, they need far more direction than they have if they want to contribute anything to the escape efforts.
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He paused for a moment, mentally reviewing everything he'd just said and trying to determine if there was anything he may have overlooked. With how uncommunicative certain club leaders and members had been, not to mention certain patients, he couldn't be entirely sure that the picture of the institute and its inhabitants he was working with was entirely complete-- in fact, he was certain it wasn't-- but it was the best he could do with what he knew so far. Still, Suzaku may have a different opinion, and although Lelouch sincerely doubted it, he asked anyway, "Any objections?"
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So he didn't complain about the change of subject, and turned his attention to what Lelouch was saying. He didn't have much input on this kind of thing, because organizing, motivating, and mobilizing an army was very much Lelouch's forte. All Suzaku could do, really, was fight. He would let this be Lelouch's plan, and provide assistance wherever he could.
Still, it was surprising that Lelouch wasn't going to try and take the stage immediately. He supposed the situation called for it, because there were already leaders here and they'd have to understand more about the existing system before trying to actively guide it, but for Lelouch not to immediately make some sweeping, over-the-top move to take control of everything, or at least do something underhanded. . . well, he guessed they'd both changed. They were both willing to sacrifice their preferred way of doing things for the sake of the best solution.
"You're right about the communication thing. We obviously need a better information network." He frowned. "As for Lost and Found, that might be something a regular high school student would normally join, but not the Knight of Seven. Though I suppose I could be seen as trying to make sure everyone was protected at night." Which was something he actually wanted to do, but he wasn't stupid enough to put that before the wider goal of getting out. As much as it pissed him off, he knew he had to focus on their goals first and foremost, even if it meant some of the others would get hurt.
"I don't know if the current members will be very useful," and he hated thinking about people that way, "but the fact that it doesn't have a very defined purpose could be a good thing. It means we can give it whatever purpose we want."
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What he didn't say was that taking control of the flow of both supplies and information in this manner would place them at the very heart of the institute's economy. A position like that was considerably more formidable than that of a simple club leader, and while it wasn't the same as directing troops into battle, he could easily gain a role like it if he played his cards right. Even if he didn't, the unification efforts were bound to succeed eventually, and assuming the group leaders joined together to form a head council of sorts (he sincerely doubted they'd ever agree to follow a single leader), his place among them would be guaranteed. With the resources he'd have at his disposal by then, the only thing that would be stopping him from controlling the entire patient population was self-restraint.
The best part was that it didn't even matter if someone saw through the plan; as long as he distributed information freely and wasn't too selective about who did and didn't receive supplies, there would be no evidence to support the notion that he was trying to seize control. Besides, with how much allies from entirely different dimensions would have to offer and the difficulty inherent in leading such a widely varied group, he genuinely didn't want to. There were too many things that could go wrong with an operation like that, and while exploiting his position in order to win that control wouldn't be that far removed from simply taking it, it was nothing he couldn't see the other patients trying.
"The Knight of Seven wouldn't be nearly as out of place once that happened," he continued, glancing away again. "Based on what I've read, there are several well-guarded areas en route to places like the kitchen and gardener's shed. The second floor is probably worse, judging by the number of storage rooms it has and what each one contains." There was a short pause. "You'll just have to put up with being yourself until then. Think you can handle it?"
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"But, you know, I'm surprised you're willing to do something so subtle." He understood that that plan would put Lelouch in a controlling position, but it was definitely not the kind of process someone like Zero favored. Too behind-the-scenes, too indirect. Whatever the situation demanded, he supposed. The other major clubs were probably too well-established for them to try to force their way in; they'd only be seen as the enemy. It was different from the rag-tag bands of terrorists Lelouch had organized in their own world.
It didn't matter which way Lelouch thought was best, however, because Suzaku would follow his plan either way. In a lot of ways he would never consider Lelouch superior to himself, but he recognized that Lelouch was the commander here. Even if they disagreed sometimes, following orders was one thing Suzaku could manage, after so long in the military.
So all he had to add to the plan was, "Is there anything in particular you want me to do? Anyone I should try to contact tomorrow?"
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