damned_institute | Nightshift 39: M31-40 Hallway

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Nightshift 39: M31-40 Hallway

Along with giving him an idea for a good cover story, Scourge's conversation with the soldier-human on the bulletin board had made the tracker stop and think about his place in the Decepticon hierarchy. More specifically, the fact that he didn't have one. Galvatron wasn't here anymore, there was no one who he was obligated to by virtue of creation. He was a free agent for the first time in his life, and it wasn't as scary as he thought it'd be.

Lugnut and Blitzwing probably wouldn't be too happy with him thinking like this, but who cared? They were both crazy, Blitzwing random and Lugnut stubborn, and without a stabilizing Cyclonus-like influence Scourge suspected they wouldn't get very far. Better to get himself a better footing with someone saner and just give lip service to "mighty Megatron" when it was convenient.

In the meantime, Scourge had to see a Superboy about a virginity. What exactly that would entail he wasn't really sure, but it sounded a lot more fun than raiding the kitchen with pointless idiots who seemed to be liking him less and less as things went on.

The tracker took out the wooden cooking spoon he'd found last night, set it on the floor with his foot on the scoop end, and yanked upwards. The spoon cracked and left him with a long rod with a dangerously pointy and splintered end that would probably at least distract anything with a squishy place to stick it in. Better than nothing. The makeshift wooden shiv went in one pocket, the flashlight in the other--with his eyes he wouldn't need it for anything but small details and it would be easier to hide in the dark. The handle of the pan went in his hand and the tracker cautiously went out into the hallway. Let him be a force to be reckoned with.

Or at least one that made the other guy look like a tastier option.

[To here.]

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Suzaku looked up. He honestly hadn't expected Lelouch to acquiesce so easily, defensive and prideful as he'd been all night. But even after everything that had happened, the cats and the crying and everything else, it seemed Lelouch was still mature enough to recognize that he might have to sacrifice his ego sometimes. Able to put aside his personal concerns, even when backed into a corner -- Suzaku could depend on those qualities of his, and trust him as a leader. Maybe even admire him, now that he didn't want to restrict his opinions with set ideas of right and wrong.

Which meant that maybe he really was ready to serve as Lelouch's knight. But the idea conjured up memories he didn't want to associate with this relationship. He could accept Lelouch as Euphemia's killer and move on, but to hold the same position to that killer as he'd held to Euphemia left a bitter taste in the back of his mouth. He'd always be the Knight of Betrayal, but he didn't want to betray the one person he'd already failed so much, the one person who had truly believed in him. Being Lelouch's knight would be a constant reminder that he'd been worthless as her knight, and a reminder of how Lelouch had deceived him.

He could believe in Lelouch now that they had a common goal, because he had to; he just couldn't think of Lelouch deceiving him now. He was positive he had seen the real Lelouch, back in the World of C as well as a few moments ago. And yet, what kind of knight could he possibly be? And how could he treat Euphemia's memory that way? It didn't matter if Lelouch was joking, it was a serious question. And while they hadn't worked out much of a plan yet at the point that he'd been yanked from his own timeline, it might eventually be necessary for him to take that position. It was certainly the logical extension of their relationship, disregarding the insubordination problem.

His worries aside, however, the possibility that Lelouch might trust him to that extent after everything that had happened between them here set him at ease. Things had been too difficult already, but Lelouch might be more willing to accept Suzaku's help if they had some official context for it.

"Maybe you should," Suzaku said seriously. Because he had to let Lelouch know that he would serve him, that he'd be whatever Lelouch needed him to be. If that included following orders without question, then fine. Still. . . "But I don't know if I do the best job at being someone's knight."

The comment had been intended as a test-- inflammatory enough to anger, ironic enough to amuse, and serious enough to inspire thought-- but rather than help define the new boundaries of their relationship as Lelouch had hoped it would, Suzaku's response simultaneously pushed those boundaries further and supplemented them with new ones. Lelouch wasn't sure if he wanted that. It would enforce some set of standards for how they were expected to treat one another, but he couldn't help but think that both of them would start resenting that sooner or later. It wouldn't pose too much of a problem for him, of course, but Suzaku, who was all about rules and regulations (or had been, before F.L.E.I.A.), was a different story.

There was also the issue of Euphy, and although neither of them were likely to broach that particular topic just yet, Lelouch knew it had to be weighing on Suzaku's mind as heavily as ever. He had a fleeting urge to tell him the truth of what happened on that day, but with everything that would entail, he simply couldn't. Better to find a different way to resolve things for Suzaku. It seemed impossible when his serious treatment of the proposition was leaving both of them noticeably more subdued, but Lelouch owed that much to both him and Euphemia. If he could find some way to do it...

"With no confusion as to where your true loyalties lie, I have no doubt that you will perform your duties exceptionally," he said, looking over at Suzaku again. "You will not be serving me, you will be serving the interests of the world. To create a future in which people can resolve their disputes peaceably and work towards the benefit of all-- can you accept the role of knight if it means achieving that end? I will not deny that following my direction will be unpleasant at times, but know that whatever it is I ask of you, I ask in those same interests. I will do whatever it takes to create that world, even if it means destroying the one in which we live now in the process. Can you accept that? Can you accept me?"

Suzaku stared a little, taken aback. So Lelouch was serious, and if he interpreted it that way -- where his true loyalties lay. . . Lelouch wasn't asking him to serve and protect him, but their common goal. A future that the world deserved, after everything they had both done. It was something Suzaku would give up everything to achieve, and the reason he was willing to follow Lelouch in the first place. Because Lelouch wanted the same thing, and now he was sure of that, because even without living through the Ragnarok Lelouch understood what they needed to accomplish together. It was what Euphie would have wanted, and what they had to do to make up for her death and all the others. Of course Suzaku would fight as a knight for that goal -- he wouldn't be serving Euphemia's murderer so much as her dreams.

And the fact that Lelouch said it himself meant that he didn't want Suzaku to be a knight to him the way he was to Euphemia, either. Maybe he was even thinking of her, wanting to fix things the same way Suzaku did. Now that Suzaku knew the extent of sorrow and responsibility Lelouch felt towards those hurt by his actions, he wondered if Lelouch wanted to make up for the mistakes of the past as well as give the world a future. If that were true, then Suzaku could fight for him. Even if it weren't, Suzaku would fight, for the sake of the world and everything he believed in.

"Yes." I would do anything -- but that wasn't what Lelouch was asking. He was asking if Suzaku could believe in him, believe that he would make Euphie's dreams come true. And Suzaku knew that he would, knew that no matter what sins Lelouch had committed he would be able to create that world, knew that this wasn't another deception. "I trust you."

For the first time in a long time, a genuine smile spread slowly over Lelouch's features. That trust-- after all that it had taken for him to gain it, he would do everything within his power to honor both it and his sisters' wishes for the future. Everyone he'd hurt, willingly and unwillingly, deserved the world that path would lead to, and now that he had Suzaku at his side, Lelouch felt like there was nothing that could stop him from accomplishing that. Having those feelings fully restored was something he had never thought would happen again, but now that they were back, he couldn't afford to lose them. They were everything that he and Suzaku had left, and he wouldn't let either of them be betrayed like that again.

"Thank you," he said quietly, still smiling but considerably more sadly now. They had finally reached some form of understanding, but there was so much work left to be done. Most of it would have to wait until they'd finally escaped and gotten back to their home universe, of course, but at least establishing all that they had over the course of this conversation would help equally in both pursuits... for the most part.

Exhausted again and with nothing to serve as a buffer, Lelouch rubbed at his eyes for a moment before slowly rising to his feet. "I think in this case we can skip the formalities," he said vaguely, making his way around his desk and over to his bed. "Unless you actually want me find a sword, sew us both uniforms, and arrange for a full knighting ceremony to take place in the Sun Room, that is. I certainly don't, but for all I know, your previous experiences have left you far more finicky about procedures and protocol than I am. You aren't, are you?" It was far, far, far too early for either of them to start joking around like this, but Lelouch was tired, entirely too relieved to have regained Suzaku as an ally, and trying to cover up just how much the latter meant to him. Distracting Suzaku from all of the above and the limp in his step seemed sufficient reason to do it.

Lelouch just kept surprising him. Suzaku had been partly responsible for Nunnally's death, he hadn't protected Lelouch from those cats, he'd had to tell him so many horrible things and intruded on his privacy, and Lelouch had been resentful and angry with him all day, but here he was smiling. A real smile, as if he were truly happy about what Suzaku had said. Then again, the last thing Lelouch remembered before waking up here was Suzaku barely deigning to speak to him. He hadn't been there in the World of C, when they'd seen eye-to-eye and finally started to trust each other again, so this must be new to him. And Suzaku's trust must mean even more than he thought it did, if Lelouch could smile at the end of such an awful day. Suzaku probably didn't deserve it, but he was grateful for that smile nonetheless, and for the words as well.

He released a startled laugh, surprised at himself as well. It should feel wrong to be talking as if they were good friends again, but he was so relieved at the sudden release of tension, and that Lelouch was finally accepting this alliance. That he implicitly seemed to trust Suzaku, too. "I don't think all that's necessary. Besides, people might notice that you're not just a regular student if we do that."

His relief was so great that he almost didn't notice Lelouch's limp. There was no need to call attention to it, because while poking at Lelouch's ego was fun, those injuries were anything but amusing. He would just have to be ready to jump forward should Lelouch stumble. He would always have to be ready -- he had to behave in a way befitting a personal knight now, he reflected. "It's official now, then." He'd meant it to come out as a question, but it really wasn't. He'd accepted, and that was it.

"A regular student from Ashford Academy," Lelouch corrected in a half-mumble, swiping at his eyes again. Relief was turning out to be significantly worse than he'd thought it would be; his energy seemed to be slipping away from him faster than ever and it wasn't tiredness he was brushing away right now. Dissolving into tears for the second time that night didn't sound even remotely appealing, but unless he could get a hold himself, it seemed like he was headed that way.

He reached his bed after what seemed like an eternity and collapsed onto it, taking a few deep breaths and fervently hoping that Suzaku didn't notice his sudden unwillingness to speak. Too much had happened today, and after losing everything, winning back his best and oldest friend as a knight and ally was a joy that Lelouch hadn't thought he'd be able to experience. He wasn't upset, just-- overwhelmed. Of all the times he could have had this reaction-- dammit, Suzaku must think even less of his ability to cope than ever.

Forcing his expression into some semblance of calm, he looked over again and said, "Official in the most unofficial manner possible, yes. You could always come over here and kneel if you want something more concrete, but I'm not going to order it of you." There was no point in indulging in theatrics when there was no audience to appreciate it. That wasn't to say that Lelouch wasn't tempted by the idea, but insisting upon it now when things were still so fragile had the potential to end disastrously if Suzaku was opposed to it. Pomp and circumstance could wait until later.

Lelouch wasn't -- not again? No, he must just be tired. Suzaku had trouble believing that Lelouch would have that emotional a reaction to regaining his trust, even if he had always valued Suzaku's friendship. Everything Suzaku had wanted to believe about him, his unforgivable coldness, the ease with which he disposed of anyone in opposition to him, was dissolving. And the only thing left was someone Suzaku had once cared for very much. It was almost enough to make Suzaku tear up himself, but he'd cried too much for Lelouch already. This was just the final chapter of everything that had come before.

Normally they wouldn't need anything concrete to recognize this new relationship, not when they understood each other so well. It was just the final incarnation of that understanding -- friends, enemies, now prince and knight. But when it came to understanding, this was all so startling sudden, coming disturbingly close to some semblance of their former friendship. Suzaku might be serving the world more than Lelouch, but that didn't change the fact that they were now officially, inextricably tied to one another. And he felt like he needed some physical representation of this change, if only so that he could fully grasp that it was real.

"I'd like that, actually," he said quietly, getting to his feet and crossing over to Lelouch. He kneeled on one knee just in front of him and looked up, close enough to see that the other's eyes were wet. And he waited, sure now that he could trust Lelouch, that they could do this together.

Lelouch suddenly wished he hadn't said anything. Doing this now when he could barely stand and with Suzaku in that ridiculous outfit-- the harsh reality of it all was almost too much to bear. Still, however much his ruffled sense of pride objected to it, it was... necessary, not to mention appropriate. He supposed he could and likely would declare Suzaku his knight again once they'd escaped, if under different circumstances, but doing this so informally now-- he'd have to make up for it the instant the opportunity presented itself.

Straightening from his half slouch and chasing away the last of his tears, Lelouch raised his right hand before him with all but the last two fingers extended, then lowered it briefly over Suzaku's right and left shoulders. "I, Lelouch vi Britannia, do hereby dub thee Sir Kururugi Suzaku," he intoned, withdrawing his hand. "You are now a knight in both name and title, dedicated to serve as sword and shield for the sake of the world's future." And mine, he added silently, staring down into bright green eyes and hoping his selfishness would be forgiven. It was unlikely anything else would.

"Rise, Sir Kururugi, Knight of Honor. Rise and be recognized."

This should be the one thing he was familiar with, the one thing he could understand, ceremony and service. But against all odds, as he felt the light touch of Lelouch's hand and heard those words, Suzaku felt the corners of his eyes burn. He had never wanted to recognize it, but having to hate Lelouch had been almost more painful than losing Euphie. It had slowly gnawed away at him, and now that they could finally look at each other in understanding with no deception between them, he felt completely drained. Things had come full circle and they had finally reached the end, he could rest with the knowledge that he and Lelouch trusted each other again, and he felt exhausted. Not in the same way as Lelouch, more of a deep-seated, lingering exhaustion of -- of his heart, he guessed. And finally, finally, they were going to fix everything, together this time. Maybe he had always been destined to hear those words from Lelouch.

Suzaku swallowed hard before getting to his feet. His body snapped automatically into the long-accustomed position, heels together and hand over his heart, and without breaking eye contact for a single instant, he bowed. "Yes, Your Highness!"

This was it, then. He was Lelouch's to command, and whatever the true aim of his knighting, it was Lelouch he would serve. Lelouch he would protect. He'd die for him if he had to, or even make a greater sacrifice -- he'd live.

Hearing that phrase from Suzaku was more than a little odd, but Lelouch found himself grinning at the confirmation anyway. Now it was official, at least in the eyes of the people who really mattered, and after their relationship had been in a state of flux for the better part of the past twenty-four hours, having this much finally established made the the weight on Lelouch's shoulders considerably lighter. He wasn't quite sure if this made them friends again, but that was fine with him. This was more than enough.

"You can stop that now," he said, not quite laughing but getting close. He didn't think it would have been a good idea if he did; he was beginning to feel incredibly lightheaded and that wouldn't have helped. "I don't think either of us want to have to explain what we're doing if my roommate suddenly barges in." Not that he would, as far as Lelouch knew, but he needed some excuse to get Suzaku out of that pose. Knight or not, such formalities were no longer necessary between them-- for now, at least.

Pressing the palm of one hand against his forehead, Lelouch glanced away and shifted into a slightly more comfortable position on his bed. He didn't want to sleep just yet if it meant missing whatever lingering questions Suzaku might have, but he was fairly certain his body would make the decision for him if he held it off for much longer. "Will that be everything, Suzaku?" he asked, letting the hand drop. Hopefully it would, but just this once, he wouldn't begrudge him if it wasn't.

Suzaku relaxed his stance, tentatively smiling back. He supposed it was ridiculous, saying that to Lelouch when they knew each other so well. But the formality was a comfort, something familiar, and he just wanted some way to recognize that things were going to be different now. He wanted to show that he was grateful to Lelouch for entrusting him with this. Lelouch believed in him, believed he was worthy to serve as a knight for the world's future, however little he deserved it. And maybe he was grateful for something else, for Lelouch trusting him on a personal level, but that had little to do with anything. Did it?

"I think so," Suzaku replied, returning to his seat on the other bed. "Just go to sleep already, Lelouch." He smiled again to show he meant no offense, but the other boy definitely looked exhausted. Almost faint, in fact. He had had a trying day, and Suzaku was only prolonging it.

Still, Suzaku really didn't want to leave, not now that it was his responsibility to watch over his Prince. He wasn't tired himself, but he leaned back against the wall anyway. "I'll stay here, if you don't mind. There's no point in walking back if I'm just going to wake up in my own room."

Lelouch was honestly too tired to care about any of that. Right now, all he wanted was to crawl under the covers and sleep, and now that he'd gotten "permission" from his knight (unheard of!), he was fully prepared to do exactly that. It was about damn time, as far as he was concerned.

Rather than saying that, though, Lelouch made a big show of sighing and muttering, "Yeah, yeah, I will." He considered tacking on some remark about how this was exactly the sort of insubordination he'd wanted to avoid, but he couldn't quite summon the energy for it. This day needed to end already.

He turned away, finally stretching out on his bed and starting to pull the covers over himself. He was beyond caring that Suzaku was still in his room and watching him by this point, both because of how utterly fatigued he was and the trust that existed between them. It may have mostly been the former, but that trust was still something he wanted to protect now more than ever. He couldn't lose it or Suzaku again.

"I don't mind if you stay," he added, glancing over at his knight. "I doubt you'd leave if I told you to anyway."

Now that he'd started smiling at Lelouch, Suzaku found he couldn't quite stop. He'd missed this, he realized, and while they might never be friends again, it was a comfort to know that he would have this -- whatever it was between them, even after he lost everything. He probably didn't deserve that one bit of happiness for himself, but by now he knew enough to be thankful before it disappeared like everything else. At the very least, he knew that eventually things would be alright again, just because he was at Lelouch's side. They'd bring peace to the world. That hope was the one thing he thought he still deserved to have.

"I'd leave," he said, trying and failing to sound affronted. Okay, he probably wouldn't leave, but did Lelouch really think he would blatantly disobey a direct order like that? "I'd just protest a lot. Good night. . . Your Highness." He shouldn't feel comfortable teasing Lelouch, especially not that way, but this situation called for some kind of retaliation.

"And keep me awake even longer in the process? Yes, that does sound like something you'd do. I take it back." Lelouch hid a smirk and closed his eyes, pointedly turning away from Suzaku so that he faced the wall and effectively closed the matter for discussion. "Now be silent, Sir Kururugi. Some of us are trying to sleep."

He subsided soon after that, finding it all too easy to slip into unconsciousness after spending an absolutely hellish day in an equally hellish place. There would be more to come tomorrow, but at least when that day arrived, he would be able to face it knowing the invincibility that was having Suzaku as an ally. There was nothing in the world that the two of them couldn't accomplish together, and if there was one thing Lelouch was certain of, Martin Landel would know it by the time they'd gotten out of there. He would make sure of it.

Suzaku snickered quietly, too amused to think of a retort. Besides, Lelouch was already falling asleep, and he obviously needed it. As for himself, he had no desire to sleep yet. There wasn't much to do, and he didn't want to wake Lelouch up, but he was perfectly content just to sit and watch his Prince sleep. Moments of relaxation were rare in his life, and he truly did feel relaxed now. He had already accepted Lelouch as an ally, but he hadn't realized what kind of shadow would be removed from his heart by coming to some sort of understanding, by accepting Lelouch as a person and not just as someone who could change the world. And by knowing that Lelouch still had faith in him, after everything. So Suzaku stayed awake into the night, enjoying the silence and the presence of someone so important to him.

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Nightshift 39: M31-40 Hallway

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