damned_institute | Day 36: Waiting Room/Lobby 2

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Day 36: Waiting Room/Lobby 2

Okita hadn't been expecting it when his nurse suddenly appeared in the Game Room. He'd expected to be left alone like last week, but instead she gently took him by the arm and told him he needed to say goodbye to Kaden for now. Okita assumed it was time for his visitor and waved goodbye to him, only to be led off himself. The swordsman had followed obediently into the Sun Room, but when he tried to go off to another room, she stopped him. "Not today, Julian."

Not today? Something about his nurse's demeanor seemed off, almost as if she were worried about something. It wasn't until she led him out of the Sun Room that he understood what was going on. He had a visitor. There were only so many people that would come to visit him in a place like this. His sisters, Tetsu, Kondou or... Okita didn't want to think about the last option.

Taking a step into the waiting room, he stopped at the door and turned to look at his nurse. "Are you sure you're not mistaken?" he asked, feeling actual fear for the first time in a long while. If this wasn't some strange punishment/joke for behaving poorly in the chapel, he didn't know what to do. Badou's graffiti was still on his hand and he quickly slipped that hand into his pocket. He could feel the pen there, clipped to the inside of his waistband. The nurse shook her head and moved to the side of the room, keeping a close watch on him as he stayed by the door, trying to hide his anxiety by feigning interest in the strange magazines on a table nearby.

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He had to be lying. Hijikata would never bow to this place. He wouldn't be calling him by that disgusting name or looking at him like he was insane. Okita Souji wasn't insane. He was dedicated and he knew exactly what he needed to do. Or he used to.

He did once, when the man in front of him walked a pace ahead and held his head up despite being called a wolf. He had a purpose when Hijikata was here, when they were home, but now, it seemed, even Hijikata had given up on it. Was it because he knew there wasn't a way to win the war back home?

Ridiculous. Hijikata would ride into battle even if he knew it would kill him. He was a samurai and he held to that aesthetic like it was his only lifeline. It was his strength that had kept Okita by his side all these years and the captain refused to believe that Hijikata would give up to a place like this.

"You're going to bite through your pen," he said. It took all his strength not to grab the man in front of him and shake him into waking up. His hands clenched at his side and then relaxed again, his mind twisting and desperate for something solid and believable to cling to. Hijikata wouldn't abandon him, and yet he was standing right there - saying just that. He had to try something to get through to him, even if it sounded crazy. "You left... Hijikata-san, there's still time to change things and you know that. Is that why you left? To gather better intelligence? You never discussed this plan with me."

Michael almost did bite through his pen then, when Julian started calling him by that name. Damn it, why couldn't he see it? Michael wanted to slap Julian, shake him, yell at him, do anything it took to make him realize the truth. He had known it wasn't going to be as easy as just strolling through the door, but he had thought there would be some difference, anything at all! But it wasn't there. Julian still didn't know who he was.

He raised a hand up, pressed it against his forehead. Michael couldn't help the gesture, the frustration that ran through his tightened fingers as he fought for some way to gain control over that situation. "That isn't my name, Julian." Quiet words, almost growled out in desperation disguised as anger. "You know that isn't my name, and you know that isn't why I left. I realized that it wasn't true. Now you need to realize it."

He hadn't always been the strongest willed person in the world, but that was why he had such strong people around him. Kondou had kept him from crying as a child. Tetsu kept him smiling now that he was old. And Hijikata kept him from breaking when he became a demon to follow him. He always followed in Hijikata's footsteps, but when the path suddenly disappeared, he had no idea what to do.

Now he saw where it led and he felt like he'd never be able to walk it again. Hijikata was frustrated with him, trying to force him into believing he was Julian Ikeda and not the Shinsengumi captain. It was a pretty lie, but it was still a lie. This wasn't Hijikata. Hijikata would never lie to him, and he would never ever leave him like this. "Stop calling me that. It isn't my name."

He suddenly felt like a petulant child again, insisting his name was Soujirou and not Souji. He was confused and he didn't know where to turn. He knew the life outside these walls was nothing but a lie, but the lie had Hijikata now and the truth...looked grim in comparison. "...why did you leave, Hi-- Sugiyama-san? I thought you were staying this time."

"It is your name." Michael's feelings ran similar to Julian's, though he had no way of knowing it. On the surface, it seemed such an unimportant argument, particularly with the irritation that went behind the words. But Michael knew that it was necessary and vital that Julian come to his senses, even if it seemed impossible to do with the way he clung to that false life.

But he was willing enough to compromise over it, for the moment. He just wouldn't call Julian by any name. "I told you. I remembered the truth. I'm not Hijikata; I'm Michael Sugiyama. I'm an interior designer who likes kendo and haiku, and that's the reality of my life."

Whether Julian could accept it or not, it didn't change that fact. What had happened before, what made him believe that he was that other person was tragic, but it didn't make the life real. Who he was now was the person he was born as. Michael Sugiyama. He had no doubt about it.

Just regret about some other things.

"I'm back now, even if it isn't to stay." He started to take the pen out of his mouth, but decided against it, and just lowered his hand instead. "If you actually start trying to get better, you can get out of here too. Then things can go back to normal."

"It--" He never finished that thought, instead turning away to start straightening up the magazines he'd picked through. It was useless to argue, as it had been when Souji was a child. Hijikata would call him whatever he wanted to call him and that was that. Of course, back then, it was a nickname and not a completely different name, but he could pretend it was something like the same thing. One by one the magazines were stacked on top of each other, until he had a neat little pile.

If only he could make everything else as neat and clean.

"A...what?" Interior designer? Hijikata? The image of the stern vice-commander ordering about minions to decorate a room was too much, and despite the tension, Okita started to laugh. He could just see him talking about colors and patterns and it was just too much. Hiding his laughter behind his hand, Okita tried to stop, but it just wouldn't. Maybe it wasn't so much mirth as he just needed something to distract him. Hijikata was gone. He'd given up and left for the outside world and abandoned Okita inside.

He'd left him alone after all. This place had broken his vice-commander, the man who had an iron will and who Okita had followed for most of his life. Hijikata was gone and he wasn't staying now or ever. Okita would never see Hijikata Toshizou again. The laughter turned strained and he suddenly started coughing, even though he knew the pain he was feeling wasn't physical. Hijikata left him. Homura had chided Okita once about believing that his vice-commander would ever be so weak, but here he was.

Calling him Julian. Telling him to get better. Asking him to fall.

"T-things can't be normal. They can't ever be normal again." The coughing stopped and he covered his ears against the voice telling him that he should just give in and follow Hijikata. He wasn't Hijikata. He wasn't! He couldn't follow this fake anywhere. He'd be abandoning the real one. He had to be here somewhere. Or... in Michael Sugiyama, somewhere. Turning around he reached out and grabbed the front of Hijikata's shirt, staring up at him almost desperately. "Tell me you don't believe this. You can't really have given up on who you are, Hijikata-san. I don't believe they could ever break you!"

In spite of it all, Michael's frown relaxed a fraction when Julian started laughing at him. He didn't see what about his career was so entirely amusing, but whatever it was obviously had tickled Julian, and he couldn't bring himself to stop it.

The problem was, something else did.

Concern evident, Michael didn't hesitate to move over to his friend's side when he started coughing. He cursed under his breath, wondering just what the hell the nurses were doing if the man was sick again. Didn't they realize that was part of what caused him to break in the first place?

Before he could call for one of them, however, the coughing fit ended, and suddenly Julian had two fistfuls of his shirt. Michael was surprised at first, but he regained himself after a moment, and let out a long sigh. "Don't you think that's what I want to say to you? But I wasn't broken by them; I was broken before I came here! I just remembered who I really am. And that's what you need to do too, Julian."

This couldn't be happening. How could Hijikata believe this place and their lies? How could he have left when they had so much to do? For a moment, Okita thought that this was just a clever lie, a man who looked like his leader without being him. Looking into his eyes though, he could see the same man who had held out his hand to a bloody child and gave him a place to be.

Years of walking at Hijikata's side had given him something like a sixth sense for detecting him and even in this lie, he could feel him there somewhere. A blessing and a curse because, on the one hand, Hijikata was alive, but on the other, he was so far away now. Even standing right in front of him, Okita felt like he was staring at his back as Hijikata left for good. It would be so easy to just pretend and give in to the lies that he was Julian Ikeda, but there were people depending on him - on them both - and Okita wasn't about to let Hijikata fall just because this place did something to him. He wasn't going to give up on him.

But that didn't mean he was happy about all this and in the end, he slowly let go of Hijikata's shirt. Western clothing suited Hijikata, but it still didn't feel right beneath Okita's fingertips. He couldn't hold onto it while looking up at that face and not think it should have been rougher, and dark blue, lapels folded left over right, tied around the waist. Things were going wrong, so very wrong.

"I'll find a way to bring you back," he murmured under his breath. Everyone was waiting for them at home and if they didn't go back, they'd all die. Tetsu, Kondou, Susumu, Harada, Toudou, Yamanami - all of them, everyone would perish. It would be easy to live blissfully in the future, but he couldn't. That wasn't what a samurai did. "I'll find a way to bring you back to your senses, Hijikata-san. Somehow. I haven't given up on you."

But now it was time to go and Okita couldn't bring himself to leave Hijikata's side. Instead, he took a step closer, wanting to breathe in the scent of tobacco and linen that was only just faintly there. He had to remember this for the rest of his time here. Until Okita could break Hijikata free of whatever was binding him to the lies, he would never again see his commander walking these halls. "But I'm sorry, Hijikata-san." His hand slipped into his waistband and gripped the pen hiding there. "I can't walk away from you."

Never in his life would he ever hurt his leader. Never would he think of doing it. But the nurses didn't know that and he needed to be dragged away or he'd begin to turn to the lies, just so he wouldn't be alone anymore. Whipping the pen out, he closed his eyes and made an overly exaggerated move at stabbing Hijikata in the shoulder, knowing the nurses would be waiting on this.

He didn't know what to say or do; he'd gotten nothing more than a sigh out before the pen suddenly appeared, and then the orderlies who had been watching for something like this were there, grabbing Okita and dragging him away. It happened in slow motion almost, time competing with the idea that Julian would attack him, because Julian wouldn't do such a thing. He knew that, even though he'd seen it, because something in his head told him that it'd all been a trick.

The nurses didn't care, however. They'd already stuck a needle into Julian's neck, and now someone had come to lead him away. Michael looked at her with a scowl, staying just where he was until Julian was out of sight.

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Day 36: Waiting Room/Lobby 2

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