damned_institute | Day 21: Lunch

"Not at all," said Qui-Gon, looking up.

The Jedi nodded toward the nearest available seat, glancing askance at the patient joining him. Renji, wasn't it? He definitely looked familiar, especially with that shock of long red hair and those black tattoos...tattoos that reminded Qui-Gon of that Sith on Naboo. Giving himself a mental shake - the Sith was dead, he wasn't, and he had been reunited with Obi-Wan - Qui-Gon offered a serene smile at Renji.

"How's your day so far?" he asked. It was an innocent enough question, and Qui-Gon was honestly interested in knowing. What happened to even one person here had a bearing on all. He poked at the still-full glass of milk. "Can't say I've ever seen milk this color before."

Renji sat, preparing for what he was, privately, starting to think of as his 'ricegasm.' It was odd, the things you started to think after going without the staple of life that you'd had every day for every meal for centuries.

"It's been pretty good, so far," he said. "I talked to another dead guy, which was interesting. Kind of weird, too, in fact." While part of him thought that maybe he should keep his mouth shut, he really did like Qui-Gon, and he really did prefer to be honest. If he felt like he could trust the guy - which he did - then why not? "A variation on dead that I haven't seen before, so weird, yet cool."

He took a bite of his rice, his eyes half-closing with pleasure at the taste. "Ah, heaven," he muttered, after he swallowed. "A hundred years in the desert and a cool drink of water."

He gave Qui-Gon a crooked grin, gesturing at the milk with his fork. "No matter what the color, I have no idea how people drink that stuff." Another bite of rice. "What color are you used to?"

Qui-Gon frowned down at the milk. "Milk's supposed to be light blue, not brown or white."

He wasn't sure what to think of Renji, especially after his admission that he was another "dead guy" and there were others like him. Obviously Obi-Wan had been talking to him, and while he was of a mind to chide him for focusing on personal matters, Qui-Gon knew he was in no position to do so. The young man simply wasn't his student any more, there was nothing he could teach that could be anything but between fellow Jedi Knights.

So Renji was dead (yet here, alive?) and he had met others in a similar state. Qui-Gon found himself curious, seeing as he recently fit into this catagory, and decided it would be prudent to investigate this further. He was pretty sure he was alive, judging from the fact he didn't feel too different from his previous memories.

"It seems that many who were dead have a habit of coming back," Qui-Gon said carefully. "I don't know how or why."

((From here (http://community.livejournal.com/landels_damned/45145.html?thread=2292057#t2292057).))

Speak of the devil, up walked the dead man in question. He wasn't carrying any food, not even a glass of water. But he wore an amiable smile, that contrasted sharply with his tall, rather menacing figure. "May I sit?" he asked, glancing between the two. The question was mostly directed at Renji, since he hadn't met this other person, after all. He didn't seem too bad a sort from what he could surmise on first glance, though.

"Blue. Huh."

He twirled his fork between his fingers before taking another bite. "Ah, but I'm not talking about dying and living again," he said. "Alive is alive and dead is dead. There are a lot of people here talking about dying, and then being alive again. And they are, indeed, alive. I'd know if they weren't. I've only met one other person who is dead."

And on cue, he looked up and grinned at Eric. "Yo." He looked at Qui-Gon. "Eric Draven, this is Qui-Gon Jinn. And likewise. Jinn-san, mind he if joins us?"

"I don't mind," Qui-Gon said.

The newcomer looked a bit startling, especially with the scars criss-crossing a too-pale face, but Qui-Gon had seen his fair share of the galaxy and accustomized himself to Eric's distinguishing features quickly enough. The Jedi Master had finished as much of his meal as he could handle without feeling nauseous, though the food seemed healthy and did taste good.

The Jedi Master glanced from Eric to Renji, leaning back in his chair with his hands resting calmly on his lap.

"I can't say I understand how the dead can walk," Qui-Gon said, "But I admit there's a great deal of the galaxy I haven't seen, so I suppose it's not entirely implausible. I'm just curious to know how those who have died are back again."

He paused, remembering his own experiences. He remembered being impaled on the lightsaber, the shock of it running up his body, and thinking so this is it and readying himself for the inevitable.

Qui-Gon certainly hadn't expected to find himself apparently alive and well.

"I haven't seen anything like it, from where I'm from," Qui-Gon finished.

Eric sat down just across from them, leaning his head on a hand and listening. Interesting that he mentioned the galaxy as opposed to the world. Well, with people from all sorts of places, they were bound to get someone used to outer-space travel sometime, weren't they?

"And yet, the dead do walk," he said, smiling faintly. "I'm the unliving proof of it. I'm no more used to it than you, though, I admit. I don't know if I'll ever be quite used to the idea. Then again, in situations like this, one must adapt."

"I don't really understand either," Renji said. "In my experience, the dead stay very dead." Then again, he normally didn't have a body either, so that didn't mean anything. "However, the people I have seen who experience death are still obviously very alive. The chain of fate is unbroken." He ate some more rice. "The body may have temporarily ceased to live. But... if the chain is whole, if you bring the body back, the person will still be very much alive."

He thought for a minute. "So maybe it's that simple. The body dies. The wackos here snatch people up in the instant before the chain breaks, fixes the body, and boom, alive again."

He glanced sideways at Eric, smiling crookedly. "There are a number of dead that walk. You just shouldn't be able to see them. Which is why you're so interesting, my friend." He dug into the rice. "Alike, and very much unalike."

Qui-Gon wasn't quite sure he agreed, but listened politely without interrupting. Some of it did sound like it made sense - almost - at least in theory, although he still had to wonder about the actual specifics of it all. Just what was this "chain of fate"? It sounded like language a Jedi would use, especially one who was accustomed to the Unifying Force and believed that the future was something that could be predicted and foreseen.

The Jedi Master bowed his head. He hadn't exactly wanted to die and he didn't believe his will in the matter was responsible for explaining how he was alive again. He hadn't wanted to leave behind his friends back at the Jedi Temple, or leave behind Anakin and Obi-Wan. And he hadn't ever put much stock in the predictability of the future, of "fate", although other Jedi like Yoda had.

"I thought I had died," Qui-Gon said. He couldn't help the barest of smiles as he glanced at Eric and Renji. For a couple of dead people, he supposed they looked remarkably good. "So what you're saying is that the material body dies, and we start to become one with the Force...only to be snatched back?"

That didn't sit well at all. In fact, it seemed rather perverse, especially if becoming one with the Force was supposed to be the ultimate union, something to not be sad about, but instead celebrated. And to deny these individuals that fate...it seemed just cruel and wrong and something that shouldn't have happened.

Qui-Gon had a feeling he also fell into that catagory. He kept getting the feeling, especially after talking to Eric and Renji, that maybe he was supposed to die.

Eric had not been supposed to die, and that was part the sick tragedy of it all. He chose not to dwell on that, focusing his energy on reciprocating the favor to those who had ended his own life instead.

That 'chain of fate' bit caught his attention as well. "Chains seem to have alot to do with things where you come from," he said, mildly amused. "Or is that the same chain you mentioned before, the one that connects a soul to its body? Your theory about stopping death just before it finishes someone off could certainly make sense, although I wull point out that it still doesn't explain how I exist. Though that doesn't matter much--I'm used to being a bit apart from the regular skew of things."

"Become one with the force..." Renji murmured. "I haven't heard of this force thing. Hm..." He ate a little more.

"If you don't mind me being really talky for a minute... maybe this will help, so I know we're all on the same page. This is how it works," he said. "Within everyone is their spirit. You could call it a soul. That works. Same thing. It is anchored to the body with the chain of fate - Eric, that's the chain I was talking about before, yeah. When the chain is severed, that is true death, and there is no going back. The spirit... moves on, like it should." Rukongai, he really couldn't talk about. Really. So best to gloss that over. "Most of the time. Some people don't leave the world right away, because they are held by regret. They wander as ghosts, though most people can't see them. You can see their chain of fate, broken, slowly being eaten away."

He twirled his fork in his fingers. "There are other dead who can walk the world. Some have been consumed by their regrets. They think of nothing but trying to fill the void, try to become whole again, and it doesn't work. They eat and destroy. Where the chain of fate sat," he touched his hand to over his heart, "There is nothing. And there are others that... hunt the destroyers, help the ghosts to move on. They have no chain at all. Whole in death."

He didn't really seem to be thinking about who he was talking to any more; he was lost in thought. "That's why I was kind of confused, with Eric. Because you kind of looked like that at first. Your reiatsu - your spirit - is strong. But the thread of that spirit isn't the right color."

He looked at Qui-Gon. "Your reiatsu is very strong too. Maybe when the chain that holds you to your body is broken, you'll be..."

He stopped, staring down at his plate.

Some day, he'd learn to shut up. Today wasn't that day. He wanted to bang his head against the table.

Qui-Gon only raised an eyebrow. "I would be one with the Force, and that is all I would wish for."

So apparently he'd been "denied" it. While he was a bit disappointed not to experience true unity, a supposed pure understanding of the Force, he had his own personal, selfish reasons for being glad to have this second chance at life. He would rather hold onto it since it had been given to him than die again, at least not until he had settled matters here. Qui-Gon knew that he had lived a good, full life, and had passed on all he knew to Obi-Wan, but that didn't deny his feelings.

It didn't deny the formation of the forbidden attachment he had formed, against his will, toward another Jedi. He had promised himself it wouldn't happen again and it had.

Qui-Gon looked up, expression pensive. This chain of fate business didn't quite sum up Eric's own state, if he really was a dead man walking, and he was surprised to find that he hadn't heard anything about these "destroyers" even in the Jedi Archives. Those who consume...

Sounded like Sith, actually, although he couldn't be sure. After years of peace, the Jedi hadn't even seen a Sith until now, and had regarded them as myth, as the stuff of legends, not applicable to today. And those that hunt those who consume?

He drew a blank there. While there were some similarities between Jedi and Sith in Renji's explanation, Qui-Gon was certain that the Jedi wouldn't pursue the Sith after death.

"Your reiatsu is very strong too. Maybe when the chain that holds you to your body is broken, you'll be..." Renji cut off.

Qui-Gon assumed that when Renji mentioned "reiatsu", he meant his presence in the Force. That wasn't new, he had been told that he could have been a great Jedi if only he would be less...well, less of a rebel in his worldview, as it didn't exactly mesh too well with that of the Jedi Council's.

"I assume your 'reiatsu' is similar in definition to the Force," Qui-Gon said. He tilted his head. "The Force is the energy of all living things - we are it, it is in us, and some of us can connect to it. Some of us have stronger connections than others. Some of the planets I have been on equated spirit with the Force."

"The force...?" That sounded familiar for some reason, but he couldn't place why. "That sounds very close to buddhism from the sound of it. Is that what your religion believes of the afterlife?"

He listened closely to Renji's explanation of the 'chain of fate.' Fascinating, really, but it didn't seem to quite fit in his case. He hoped not, anyway. What if he ended like one of those detroyers he'd mentioned, full of regret and killing everything he came across? Regret had been a major part of things, after all. Regret...and anger. Sadness. But he said that he had no chain whatsoever, so maybe there was nothing to worry about, there. Still...

"I mentioned chains to you earlier," he said slowly. "And what I have known of them may change your hypothesis a little. After I died...." He bit his lip for a moment, thinking of how to word it. "There was nothing for a short while. Then I found myself alone, in the dark. I assume it was somewhere in between the lands of the living and the dead, a limbo world, if that makes sense. When I tried to get up and go where it seemed right to go, I realized that I was bound by chains to stay where I was. For the next year I tried to escape them while they cut into me over and over and kept me from some happiness just out of reach. I had no sense of the passage of time, nor was I able to truly think or focus on anything except somehow getting away. But someone didn't want me to go, I suppose." His eyes stayed fixed on the table as he spoke, slowly and carefully. He'd left out a few of the details, of course, irrelevant ones, like how badly the chains had cut him, and the constant cawing that he'd heard somewhere above him the entire time.

"And then one day I got free. Or was let go, rather. The next thing I knew I woke up in a coffin, six feet underground."

Renji nodded. "That's what spirit is. We can call it different things, but that doesn't change its nature." Then he fell silent, listening to Eric.

Well, as far as Renji knew, the place between the real world and Rukongai was unpleasant for anyone that had to go through it, that didn't get to Rukongai the normal way. He didn't personally know how unpleasant, which he was glad for. But it made sense, in a way. And explained why Eric seemed similar, but like he hadn't quite made it.

Who knew if that was the real reason, though. No way of knowing right now.

He reached out and touched Eric's shoulder briefly, mostly as a show of support.

"It makes more sense to me now," he said. "I'm sorry." He smiled slightly. "But I am a little relieved, in a way. You came through that experience whole. Perhaps you were meant to be a protector, as well." And more importantly, it meant he didn't have to dread the day when he'd be hunting Eric down, since it sounded like Eric did come from the same world as him.

He looked at Qui-Gon. "You know, it's kind of surprising to hear someone talk about spirit. There's only one group of humans in my time that really knows anything about it, and you're definitely not one of them." He grinned. "Most people go through life without understanding their own strength."

Eric's experiences sounded this side of horrific. Qui-Gon's expression was faintly stony, his lips thinning out as he listened to the young man's story about his "life" in limbo. While he knew the galaxy wasn't fair by any means, despite the attempts at Jedi to bring balance, what had happened to Eric was torture and there was no sugar-coating it. Even between life and death, he hadn't been able to find respite. It was disturbing.

At least Renji found something positive about it. He seemed to radiate relief into the Force, although it was distantand hard to read if Qui-Gon didn't concentrate. Renji turned to Qui-Gon:

"You know," he said, "it's kind of surprising to hear someone talk about spirit. There's only one group of humans in my time that really knows anything about it, and you're definitely not one of them. Most people go through life without understanding their own strength."

Qui-Gon smiled faintly. It was a bit of a relief to find beings who weren't utterly consumed by material issues. While he did agree that the material problems of the galaxy were real, the almost obsessive preoccupation with wealth and power he witnessed over the years on countless planets had always given him a sick feeling. It felt like he had a breath of fresh air to see that there were still others who showed an understanding of spiritual matters.

"Where I come from, we are devoted to the study and proper use of the Force - spirit, as you call it," Qui-Gon said. "Sometimes finding one's center is all that keeps one going."

He nodded, silently appreciating the small gesture. He didn't search for pity, and that wasn't what he had been looking for, but it was kind of Renji all the same. "I admit that I never really thought about it that way. I do...try to help when I can. I can't help but feel like I'm mostly around for the sole purpose of killing four people, but outside of them I hold no grudges. I'd rather do what I can to protect people as opposed to doing them harm."

"Spirit means almost nothing to most people where I'm from," he said, with a faint, mirthless smile. "They're too preoccupied with just surviving in a city more apt to eat people alive than help uplift them. For the most part they believe in the dollar and the bullet, and that's all. Still, you do find an oasis here or there, in certain people." 'I love you.' '...say that again.'

His faint smile took on a tinge of warmth and sadness, both. Thinking about her always did that to him, without fail.

Renji grinned. "Pretty much all I do back home is work and train, read, and sometimes party with my friends. That's it. I'd be interested to hear what you guys do with the... Force. See if it's anything like how we do things."

He looked at Eric. "The greatest thing that anyone can do is to protect someone." He grinned. "I think you're a good man. Follow your heart and your spirit, and things will be right."

When he thought about it, nearly everything in his life that had been wrong was because he had ignored where his heart had lead. And... he just didn't know what else he could do.

"There is a balance," he said, after a moment. "It's so easy to forget that for all that is ugly, there is also something beautiful, something wonderful. That the blood you give is someone's life and happiness and love. I was taught that we hunt to keep the emptiness from consuming everything; to keep that particular balance. But I've come to believe that the great battle and the small ones are the same."

Jedi didn't condone revenge, but Qui-Gon said nothing. He knew how it felt. He had to face his demons once before, knew how it felt that you had nothing but the anger and the desire to take the lives of those responsible - and he had to admired Eric for his restraint, especially when the young man said that he held no grudges toward others aside from those directly responsible.

"There is a balance," Renji spoke up. "It's so easy to forget that for all that is ugly, there is also something beautiful, something wonderful. That the blood you give is someone's life and happiness and love. I was taught that we hunt to keep the emptiness from consuming everything; to keep that particular balance. But I've come to believe that the great battle and the small ones are the same."

Qui-Gon nodded, his eyes flicking over Obi-Wan's way without intending to. Sometimes it was difficult to rememeber that there had to be balance - to not fall into the traditional Jedi teachings and isolate oneself and one's very real, very pressing feelings. Qui-Gon smiled faintly to himself, closing his eyes for a moment. Yes, Renji was right.

"Thank you for reminding me of that," Qui-Gon said, feeling a little bit more at peace with himself. "Sometimes it's hard to remember that there is balance and there must continue to be balance. Oftentimes we believe that only one side or another is acceptable when they are necessary".

((Sorry, kinda short/quick, gotta do mass studying today. xD;))

((And yet, your posts still dwarf mine. o_o))

His black lips curled into a small smile. "Honestly, that's not something I'm often told, nor am I used to such an optimistic outlook. Thank you."

He looked up to the ceiling, as if it could answer his thoughts. "I used to think that the good things were so far and few between that they were just a fairy tale, really, or something I'd imagined. Then I found her, and...well, when I finally got that good thing I'd been searching for, I never doubted that there was an equal balance between the good and bad again. Even now, after everything that happened, it's one of the few things left that I have faith in." Love, people, goodness. He had faith in them. God, perhaps not. But with a girl like that in his memory, who needed a God that seemed keen only on snatching things from him?

Renji caught Qui-Gon's quick glance over, but said nothing. It was't his business, even to be curious. He smiled, listening to the two other men talk.

"I think we're going to have to remind other people about this," he said. "In a place like this... it's easy to give in to paranoia, and... everything that goes with it. I grew up on the streets. I've seen it happen, and I don't want to see it happen here." He started eating his rice again. "And there are some bad people in with us. I'm... kind of worried about the kids. Some of them seem really trusting."

"By the way... I'm working on mapping the second floor with Nowe and Sora. And... if you run into any metal that you don't need for yourself, could you hold it for me? I'm good with my fists, but I'm better with a sword, and I'd rather have the reach." He grinned, but there was a strange quality to the expression, a slight twist of pain. "It's better than nothing."

Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow at Renji. Just where was he planning to get a sword? Their captors had done the smart thing and disarmed them of any and all possessions they had, and he was sure they wouldn't leave them lying around where anyone could get to them.

"Where would you plan to get a weapon?" Qui-Gon asked, curious. He knew some hand-to-hand, but his combat style had always involved a healthy combination of connecting to the Force...and it helped being armed with a lightsaber.

He nodded. "I was just going to ask the same. One of the alchemists, perhaps? A friend of mine had a sabre made for him with some spare cutlery we found. On that note, if you do need metal, the kitchen is an excellent place to look."

"As for the children...I couldn't agree more, really. They don't all seem like they can protect themselves or know who is trustworthy and who isn't."

"Yeah, I'm guessing it was an alchemist," Renji said. "He told me to bring him the metal, and he'll make the weapon. I'm hoping that it'll work out decently." No sword could be as good, or even like Zabimaru, but as long as it had an edge and good balance, it would work. "Kitchen... gotcha. I think tonight I'm going to end up on the second floor with Nowe and Sora again, but maybe I can make a stop by the kitchen..."

He nodded. "I'm more worried about the trusting nature. Paranoia can destroy you, but some cynicism can be healthy, and it's something they tend to lack." He laughed. "It's not like any of us are up to snuff at defending ourselves. But we're probably more experienced at knowing when to stand and fight, and when to cut and run."

Day 21: Lunch

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