damned_institute | Dayshift 62: Sun Room [Third Shift]

Last night had been a nightmare. That had to be what it was, but Ilia couldn't deny reality. In her anguish, Ilia had slept through the first half of the day plagued by nightmares. In her dreams she saw Rose's broken body all over again with Gamzee standing over her, his club raised to strike again. Somewhere, she could hear Martin Landel laughing.

Much like the battle last night, Ilia was overcome by her powerlessness. Was she really so useless? Why did it have to be the children who suffered pain and death? Why was she left alive here? She didn't wish for her own death, but if she could have given up her life to save Rose... But nothing could be done now

Ilia had failed to save an ally in need. If only her Captain could have been here, then just maybe his uncanny luck and drive might have saved them. He had a miraculous touch that could solve anything. Ilia now understood why she would never be on equal footing with him.

Miserably, Ilia roused herself at her nurse's insistence that she come eat. She didn't take a moment to brush her hair or wash her face. She just followed along as directed, trying to ignore the hallow feeling in her chest. Ilia wasn't hungry, but she took one of the bags offered to her and trudged to the bulletin. She addressed a few notes then added one herself. It wasn't the prettiest note, but Ilia couldn't produce the level of prose that Rose deserved. Instead, she wrote it quickly, like ripping off a band-aid. Short. To the point.

Her task done, Ilia found seat in the corner and sunk down into the cushion. Burying her face in her hands, she concentrated on breathing. She couldn't face the sun today.

[For ~~her children~~ Claude and Anise]

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Ilia shook her head a bit against Anise's words. She head heard the warnings and had ignored them. Even if she tried to justify her actions, it still didn't change the fact that her inability to step in and put a stop to their progress in the basement had perhaps been the only hope they might have had at keeping Rose still alive. How much grief could they have been saved if not for her stubbornness?

She clutched a bit tighter when the Head Doctor was mentioned. It was true. He was the one really to blame when all was said and done. He had been the one to put them into that mess by bringing them here in the first place.

As if to compound her already weakened state, Claude came over then. The look on his face was indescribable, and it left her feeling even more broken. Hearing his voice and feeling that arm go around her shoulder was almost too much. Ilia unhooked one of her arms from around Anise and wrapped it around Claude, moving to place her head on his shoulder. She barely choked down a sob.

There was something inherently comforting about Claude. The way he smelled or the sound of his voice. It was like coming home. "I just wish... I should have listened!"

Anise was doing all she could to keep herself from tearing up. Ilia always seemed so strong, and it was hard to see her looking so defeated.

The girl looked up in surprise when they were joined by a third person, but her expression changed to a soft, weak smile when she realized it was Claude. Claude was the one who helped Anise overcome her own feelings of despair after their struggles in the Coliseum, and it seemed like he was a good friend of Ilia's. All things considered, he was probably the best possible person to come along at that moment.

Having Claude's hand on her shoulder made Anise feel a little stronger, too - like it wouldn't be so hard to help shoulder a bit of her friend's pain. "If you want to talk about it, we'll listen," she offered, figuring Claude wouldn't object to that. Hopefully the annoying mental block would be lifted, now that they'd all experienced the same thing. "And if not, we'll be right here for as long as you want us. Promise!"

Her voice didn't come out strong enough to convey the kind of confidence Anise wanted to show Ilia, but she hoped it sounded encouraging anyway.

Seeing his mother upset like this tore at Claude's heart in the worst possible way, but he had to stay strong for her. She hadn't had any idea of what she was going to walk into last night, leaving her to grapple with the crushing weight of what the Head Doctor had done now that the dust was settled. Both he and Anise understood exactly what she was going through. When he remembered how lonely and broken he'd felt for most of the day after their own arena battle, Claude saw their involvement as a mixed blessing. It meant he could help Mom in a way he might not have been able to otherwise.

Of course, he realized that probably meant very little in the face of losing a friend. Still, Claude did his best to sound comforting.

"That's right," he gently assured her. While he personally thought it would be good for her to let some of her grief out, Claude didn't want to pressure her into anything. Instead, he pressed his cheek against the crown of her head and added, "Just...please try to remember that what happened isn't your fault."

Being comforted has its ups and downs. It was always a blessing to know you weren't alone, but the hurt always seemed to expand when someone was willing to lend you a shoulder to cry on. In this case it was two shoulders, and both were equally tear-educing.

Ilia indulged herself a bit longer than she knew she ought to, waiting until the hot tears on her cheeks cooled and her voice became manageable again. "I don't... Talking might..."

Could she really talk about it without breaking down even more? Ilia wasn't sure, nor did she feel like taking that risk. It was hard enough falling this low within sight of the entire patient body. Her pride was stinging despite Claude and Anise's reassurances.

Clearing her throat, Ilia kept her hold on them as she finally rasped out a few words, "It's nice for you to say that, but..." Was she truly blameless in this? Hadn't she been the one to encourage children in her group, thinking that if they bypassed this trial they could be one of the first out and free from the institute?

"I have never felt so foolish before." She gave them both a quick squeeze again, thankful they hadn't blamed her. She wasn't sure what she would have done if they had just turned their backs on her after such a stupid move. At least now she felt like she could move forward and attempt to make things better, even if they wouldn't get better. Rose was gone and Ilia had watched her die.

It sounded like words weren't coming easily to Ilia, and Anise could understand why. Seeing Ilia now reminded her of her own experience with the Coliseum, how she could have changed everything if she'd done even one tiny thing differently...

"I... I think I know how you feel." If Ilia's guilt and despair were anything like what Anise felt after Guy's death, then maybe she could help. Maybe just understanding would help a little. "I felt the same way, so I know it's really hard to move forward after something like that..." In truth, Anise still hadn't forgiven herself. Not for what happened to Ion, nor what happened to Guy.

She really wished she could advise Ilia, that she could say something to help her friend get through this faster and with less pain... but she couldn't find the words, and it wasn't long until she realized there just wasn't an easy way. "... Sorry. I guess I don't have any good advice. Just don't forget that you're not alone."

Dayshift 62: Sun Room [Third Shift]

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