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damned_institute2012-03-07 12:40 pm
avengingfists) wrote in damned_institute2012-03-07 12:40 pm
Dayshift 62: Sun Room [Third Shift]
Last night had been a nightmare. That had to be what it was, but Ilia couldn't deny reality. In her anguish, Ilia had slept through the first half of the day plagued by nightmares. In her dreams she saw Rose's broken body all over again with Gamzee standing over her, his club raised to strike again. Somewhere, she could hear Martin Landel laughing.
Much like the battle last night, Ilia was overcome by her powerlessness. Was she really so useless? Why did it have to be the children who suffered pain and death? Why was she left alive here? She didn't wish for her own death, but if she could have given up her life to save Rose... But nothing could be done now
Ilia had failed to save an ally in need. If only her Captain could have been here, then just maybe his uncanny luck and drive might have saved them. He had a miraculous touch that could solve anything. Ilia now understood why she would never be on equal footing with him.
Miserably, Ilia roused herself at her nurse's insistence that she come eat. She didn't take a moment to brush her hair or wash her face. She just followed along as directed, trying to ignore the hallow feeling in her chest. Ilia wasn't hungry, but she took one of the bags offered to her and trudged to the bulletin. She addressed a few notes then added one herself. It wasn't the prettiest note, but Ilia couldn't produce the level of prose that Rose deserved. Instead, she wrote it quickly, like ripping off a band-aid. Short. To the point.
Her task done, Ilia found seat in the corner and sunk down into the cushion. Burying her face in her hands, she concentrated on breathing. She couldn't face the sun today.
[Forher children Claude and Anise]
Much like the battle last night, Ilia was overcome by her powerlessness. Was she really so useless? Why did it have to be the children who suffered pain and death? Why was she left alive here? She didn't wish for her own death, but if she could have given up her life to save Rose... But nothing could be done now
Ilia had failed to save an ally in need. If only her Captain could have been here, then just maybe his uncanny luck and drive might have saved them. He had a miraculous touch that could solve anything. Ilia now understood why she would never be on equal footing with him.
Miserably, Ilia roused herself at her nurse's insistence that she come eat. She didn't take a moment to brush her hair or wash her face. She just followed along as directed, trying to ignore the hallow feeling in her chest. Ilia wasn't hungry, but she took one of the bags offered to her and trudged to the bulletin. She addressed a few notes then added one herself. It wasn't the prettiest note, but Ilia couldn't produce the level of prose that Rose deserved. Instead, she wrote it quickly, like ripping off a band-aid. Short. To the point.
Her task done, Ilia found seat in the corner and sunk down into the cushion. Burying her face in her hands, she concentrated on breathing. She couldn't face the sun today.
[For
no subject
Ilia indulged herself a bit longer than she knew she ought to, waiting until the hot tears on her cheeks cooled and her voice became manageable again. "I don't... Talking might..."
Could she really talk about it without breaking down even more? Ilia wasn't sure, nor did she feel like taking that risk. It was hard enough falling this low within sight of the entire patient body. Her pride was stinging despite Claude and Anise's reassurances.
Clearing her throat, Ilia kept her hold on them as she finally rasped out a few words, "It's nice for you to say that, but..." Was she truly blameless in this? Hadn't she been the one to encourage children in her group, thinking that if they bypassed this trial they could be one of the first out and free from the institute?
"I have never felt so foolish before." She gave them both a quick squeeze again, thankful they hadn't blamed her. She wasn't sure what she would have done if they had just turned their backs on her after such a stupid move. At least now she felt like she could move forward and attempt to make things better, even if they wouldn't get better. Rose was gone and Ilia had watched her die.
no subject
"I... I think I know how you feel." If Ilia's guilt and despair were anything like what Anise felt after Guy's death, then maybe she could help. Maybe just understanding would help a little. "I felt the same way, so I know it's really hard to move forward after something like that..." In truth, Anise still hadn't forgiven herself. Not for what happened to Ion, nor what happened to Guy.
She really wished she could advise Ilia, that she could say something to help her friend get through this faster and with less pain... but she couldn't find the words, and it wasn't long until she realized there just wasn't an easy way. "... Sorry. I guess I don't have any good advice. Just don't forget that you're not alone."