damned_institute | Night 47: F21-F30 Hallway

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Night 47: F21-F30 Hallway

It was, thought Agatha, about time this Landel guy started acting like a real evil megalomaniacal mad scientist. All the sugary-sweet fakery had been getting on her nerves, but this persona was something she knew all about. Right down, in fact, to the inclusion of information helpful to his enemies.

She'd been spending most of the time since finishing dinner assembling the pitifully few useful-looking items their room contained. She hadn't originally meant to include the little radio in that, since no matter what settings she tried it had only produced rather forgettable music and she didn't have the time or the tools to reduce it to usable parts.

Now, though, she snatched it up and slid it over to the channel that had been mentioned. It might not be much help, but she didn't see how it could hurt, either. "I think I'm all set," she declared. "Ema?"

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"Good." Thank god. Lelouch had been so worried-- of course night was the real issue, but the daytime routine could be unsettling in its own right. The fault for that lay primarily with the other patients, but it seemed like Nunnally hadn't come across any of those just yet. That was good. Now he just had to hope that this trend continued, or else that he and Suzaku would be able to prevent it from changing. Euphy might be able to help, too, come to think of it. Even if the difference in their ages had shrunk, their half-sister still had more experience in this place, and-- Lelouch supposed they could relate on more fronts now than he had ever anticipated.

He dropped his gaze. "Did anything come up over the course of the day that you would like to ask me about?" he said next, one of his hands automatically searching out hers and giving it a small, reassuring squeeze. Being able to spend time with her like this still seemed so surreal, even in the institute. Lelouch supposed the action was just as much for his own comfort as for hers. "There are some things I can't answer, but for those that I can, I'll do my best." As always.

Unfortunately, whatever questions Nunnally would ask would have to wait. The radio on her desk flickered on then, and although the majority of Lelouch's attention remained on his sister, he did angle his head very slightly towards the device as he listened. Jill was back. Well. He would just have to make a note of that later.

It was a relief that he wasn't immediately starting off by asking about her past, what would be his future if she didn't manage to convince him to change it when he returned. But then, Nunnally wasn't really all that surprised by it; no matter how curious he might be, if he'd even decided that it would be a good thing for him to know about, he would worry about her first. He always worried about her first, even when it prompted him to take actions she now wished he hadn't.

She glanced down as he took her hand in his, hesitating for a moment as the situation once more struck her speechless. It was Lelouch, so very real and here no matter how impossible that was. After half a second she gave herself a mental shake and squeezed his hand lightly in return, hoping that he either hadn't noticed the lapse or realized that it was nothing to worry about. "You covered quite a bit this morning," she replied, looking thoughtful. "And there were some interesting messages on the bulletin as well. I did wonder...."

But then the radio, which she'd set aside earlier without much interest, came to life. And instead of the rather bland instrumental music from earlier, an unfamiliar voice emerged from the speakers, a voice which seemed to be of interest to her brother. The message made little sense to her, however, although Nunnally paid close attention to it in case it would be significant later, and it washed away what questions she might have asked.

Nunnally remained silent for a moment after the broadcast ended, puzzling over the odd message, then turned back toward Lelouch again. "Was that...what was that? Who is 'Jack'?" she asked, curious and confused but certain he would know something about it.

That was a simple enough question. Lelouch couldn't help but feel slightly better about the fact that he could answer it. "Jack is, or was, a former associate of the Head Doctor's. His real name was Alec Doyle." A faint sigh. "Evidently, he and the Head Doctor had a number of philosophical disagreements, and they turned against one another. Jack remained in the institute, but hidden from the Head Doctor's gaze. He would give out clues over the radio at night to lead people to different sorts of prizes, and in one or two instances, he even revealed himself to the patients and assisted them more directly.

"Some time ago, the Head Doctor killed him." More than two weeks ago, in fact, and Lelouch really did need to get around to revising that timeline. It would give Nunnally a much better idea of what had happened than he could adequately explain tonight. There were too many other things they had to cover first, even if it was all right to give her this overview now. "Jill replaced him after that, but according to the patients I've spoken to, she's been far less effective. Jack was already difficult to trust at times, but she's been worse. Still, she may yet prove to be competent." He hoped. If one of her clues could lead him to a gun...

"At any rate, Jack's death wasn't permanent." He nodded to the radio. "As you may have guessed from Jill's announcement, he found a way to come back. Most of his actions appear to have been aimed at revenge, however. His revival coincided with--" Did Lelouch really want to tell her this? He hesitated for a fraction of a second before moving on, a look of concern crossing his face. "-- the, ah, reanimation of the townspeople at Doyleton. Later, he activated a harmful program that affected a number of patients along with the Head Doctor. He disappeared again only recently-- for good, by the sound of it."

There was another brief pause, then Lelouch marshaled his thoughts again and asked, "Was any part of that unclear?" He fervently hoped she didn't ask what he meant by "reanimation" or what exactly the program he mentioned did, but if she did... well, perhaps he could simply make it sound as though he had been entirely unaffected. He didn't want to worry her.

Jack, Jill. Characters out of a children's rhyme, incongruous in a situation like this. But even if they were as unhelpful as Lelouch said, he idea that someone out there was interested in helping those trapped in this place was a bit of a comfort, though a small one. Perhaps there were more people that they didn't know of, perhaps not, but someone out there knew of their situation and professed to be more kindly inclined than the man on the intercom.

The rest of the explanation, though, was...odd. If Nunnally understood correctly, it was not an unusual thing for people to return from the dead here, a concept which made her distinctly uncomfortable. "I don't quite...." She hesitated briefly, then shook her head a little. Obviously something about this made her brother uncomfortable, and she didn't want to upset him without need. "I suppose I should expect the impossible, in a place like this?"

It was half a question, but Nunnally smiled at him as she spoke, trying to indicate that he didn't have to answer if he didn't wish to. She continued, shifting the subject back to what they'd been speaking about before the odd interruption. "Is there something to be concerned about, with the posts on the bulletin? It seemed like you wanted to keep certain things a secret." The message in Braille had been a little surprising, but she assumed there was a good reason for it.

That would be the logical conclusion, wouldn't it? It was just too bad that Lelouch hadn't expected this even with all of his other preparations. For Nunnally to be here-- he should have known better than to dismiss it as a possibility. He would make up for that oversight now, of course, but it was difficult not to feel furious at himself for making it.

He gave a slight nod at her first question, his concern returning (he would have to tell her eventually what had happened, if only so that she could be prepared for something similar, but...), then turned his attention to the next. "There are patients here who would take advantage of that sort of information," he said, brow furrowing. "I'm fairly certain that the majority of them wouldn't, but it's best to be cautious. I haven't mentioned my room number on the board for the same reason-- it's M31, by the way. Suzaku's is M28." He took his journal out from under his arm and extracted the first and second floor maps, holding them out to her once he'd carefully smoothed them.

In a place like this, those in the same situation really should work together in order to find answers and a way home, both of which seemed in short supply from what she understood. But if there was reason to be wary of some of the other so-called "patients" then -- well, it wasn't entirely a surprise. Just a disappointment. There was apparently enough danger at night from the "monsters" without having to worry about what people might do.

Nunnally gave a mental sigh of disappointment at the thought, then forced herself to turn her attention to the new information. The second floor map she set aside for a moment, focusing first on the floor she'd already seen part of: after a second to orient herself she found the large open space of the Sun Room in the center, the cafeteria, and the patient rooms, and pursed her lips slightly in concentration as she worked to read the labels in the dim illumination cast by the flashlights. If those were the women's rooms -- and there was F23, her room -- then her brother and Suzaku were...over here.

She tapped a fingertip lightly against the map, as though trying to seal that location in her memory, then glanced up at her brother again. For half a second she was startled all over again to see him there, uncertain quite how to react, but she smiled anyway and shook her head. "The building seems quite large," she observed. "Is there possible to get outside, as well?" It wasn't worth asking where he'd managed to get such maps; it would be more surprising if Lelouch hadn't managed to gather quite a bit of information in his time here.

Lelouch couldn't help but mirror the smile. As terrible as it was for her to be here-- and ridiculous as it was for him to think this so quickly after he'd been berating himself for his own stupidity, he was so incredibly happy that he had gotten the chance to see her again. He probably should have felt guilty about that, but since it was the institute who had brought her in and not him, there was no sense in wasting energy on such sentiments. Better to keep her safe, find the way out, and reap what benefits he could.

"It is, and yes. Climbing any one of the walls surrounding the outdoor areas should lead one outside. Through the entry room is another option." He indicated those spots on the map. "Unfortunately, it's been difficult for people to explore; the monsters are much tougher there. People also haven't been very forthcoming with what they know, so it's hard to tell which regions have and haven't already been covered. The lady you spoke to on the board, Miss Kisaragi, is attempting to remedy this, but things have been a little hectic and progress slow."

He flipped his journal open then and held it out to her. "And here is the list of currently active groups I promised you. Some of the information is incomplete, but with any luck, I should be able to fill the rest of it in tomorrow." He sighed faintly. "Some of it may also still be outdated. A few of the group leaders have been... uncommunicative." The censorship was an issue, too, of course, but Lelouch was far more annoyed at the leaders that were either too apathetic or incompetent to provide adequate information. Fools.

Nunnally did her best to focus on the information she was given, glancing toward the walls indicated on the map as he spoke. It seemed so surreal, though -- monsters wandering outside the grounds, waiting to attack the unwary? No more so, though, than the idea of people being kidnapped to another world, of course, just in a different way. Not that she was about to go exploring the grounds herself; other people more able to do so could take care of that. All she could do was correlate the information given, when it could be obtained.

She shook her head slightly to dismiss that train of thought as he offered the journal with the list she'd asked about, but found it difficult to focus on the writing. It wasn't just the dim light or her slow reading comprehension, but -- everything. The fact that Lelouch had given it to her. That this was his handwriting on the page, his voice in her ears.

"You've been busy," she replied after a pause, running a fingertip across the words Haninozuka Mitsukuni (a familiar name, there; interesting coincidence that she'd spoken to him) as though expecting to read them like Braille. Of course he was busy. Lelouch was always busy, planning and preparing and carrying out what he thought would be best for everyone, even...even when she'd rather he hadn't. Not in that way.

She hesitated again, then lifted her eyes to meet his. "If everyone shares their information, then it's more likely we can find a way home, right? It's important, isn't it -- returning home." If he did, though, would he proceed with the same plans as before? How much time did she have to convince him otherwise?

Busy was one word for it, but as there was no way he was going to trouble Nunnally with just how much work he had actually done or how frustrating it all was, he merely offered a faint, elegant shrug. How strange it was to know that it was no longer the rustle of cloth that would inform her that he'd made the gesture. She wasn't looking directly at him then, true, but...

He offered her another small smile when she looked up and nodded in agreement. "Yes, it's important." He rose from his seat then and sat next to her, moving the maps a bit further to one side so that he wouldn't inadvertently crumple them and, simply because he could, tugging her into a small hug. "When I return-- there are some events that have already been set into motion that I cannot prevent, but others..." Using Geass on Nunnally. His own death. "If there is a way, I will stop them." If and only if. If not-- well, Nunnally was alive. He couldn't bear the thought of hurting her the way his future self (alternate self?) had, but if it meant she would survive all of this...

"You must return home, too," he continued, voice much softer now. "I haven't done enough research yet to know how altering events will impact those from my future, but even so..." He trailed off. Should he say it? She had likely figured it out for herself already, but hearing it from him would have to be different. But... he couldn't lie to her. There were still certain things he would withhold, but he couldn't do that. But--

He closed his eyes. "Whatever world you will live in, even if it's one without me... I would rather have you there." That wasn't quite the same thing, but it would have to do.

If. If there was a way. Was there another way to accomplish what he'd intended? There had to be -- Nunnally couldn't simply accept the idea of a world without her beloved brother, not if there was a chance of a future with him. The wounds left behind by his death still remained, coupled with regret and guilt for what she'd believed about him before realizing the truth. He'd intended that, of course, but she'd believed it. Of him.

She leaned into the hug, burying her face against his shoulder as though being unable to see her expression would hide how she was feeling. "I don't want to leave you, Brother," she replied, managing to keep her voice steady despite the tremble in her shoulders. "A world without you...I never asked for that. I never wanted it."

Her fingers closed around the fabric of his shirt as she squeezed her eyes tightly closed, trying to stop the tears that threatened to leak out. "There has to be another way. Somehow."

The universe was cruel to test his resolve like this. Yes, Lelouch did want to find another way, but if anything else resulted in Nunnally's death-- and what of the gentle world he had sought to create? Was he to sacrifice that as well? He still didn't know whether he had succeeded in the end, but if using Geass on her and his death had played some part in it--

He pulled her closer and pressed a kiss into her hair. He didn't want to leave her any more than she did him, and he could only imagine what it must have been like for her. Merely hearing of her death from Suzaku couldn't have had the same impact, and living with that knowledge for a month-- he couldn't possibly make her go through that again, not when she was already on the verge of tears just thinking about it. How could he? And if he didn't-- was there be a way for them to be together? He didn't know. He didn't have enough information, and although he desperately wanted to be able to tell her that they would be together and she wouldn't have to experience that loss again, he still couldn't lie to her. If there was no other way...

"If there is a way, I will find it," he made himself say, knowing it wasn't enough but not having anything more to offer her. He couldn't decide if that hurt more than the way she was valiantly (and futilely) trying to keep her emotions hidden from him. "I promise."

And there he'd given his worse, and the promise would have meant everything to her at one time, but now...he'd already broken one vow, and that one was far more important than many others. I'll always be at your side, he'd told her once, but had gone back on his word. Now it made it more difficult to trust that promise -- Nunnally wanted to, wanted to more than anything else, but just couldn't quite.

The train of thought made her recall one particular conversation, though, of a promise made and kept at so great a price. She drew in a breath and held it for a moment in an attempt to find calm, with only moderate success; having Lelouch here, the Lelouch she remembered from time past, made it difficult. Nunnally then pulled back slightly so she could raise one hand with pinky finger lifted.

"Pinky swear?" she asked, a tremulous smile on her lips. All she could do was hope, and believe in him. The knowledge that she'd survived the explosion could change his plans -- and she prayed it would be for the better.

The gesture reminded Lelouch all too clearly of Natalie's visit and the promises both of them had made, but thankfully, he didn't find those memories nearly as painful now. Far worse was the idea that he might fail to keep this new promise and, worse still, how that failure would impact Nunnally. He had said if there was a way, but again, if there wasn't-- he needed to stop obsessing over this. It wasn't at all productive. Doing all that he could to fulfill his promise was.

He forced aside his turbulent thoughts and linked his pinky with Nunnally's. There was only one real response, as far as he was concerned, and thankfully, he'd long since memorized the words. Cross my heart, hope to die-- no, better to go with the original Japanese. "'Yubikiri genman uso tsuitara hari senbon nomasu, yubi kitta,'" he sang softly, pulling their fingers apart at the appropriate moment. "There. Now it's official." If only it were that easy.

"It is. Now you'll have to try; you wouldn't want to have to swallow a thousand needles, would you?" Though she tried to keep her tone light, Nunnally's eyes were a little too bright, her smile wavering, and her quiet laugh had a little hiccup in the middle. The memory of the last time they'd made such a promise was quite clear, as was what it had led up to in the end.

Should she have even asked him to make the promise in the first place? No, of course she should have. Otherwise her alternative was to return to her world alone, and although Lelouch's plan seemed to be working so far, creating the more peaceful world for which she had wished, it was still empty. He wasn't there to share it with her, and that was the other half of her wish which would never be fulfilled. Not unless she could convince him to change the past. His future.

Lelouch echoed the small laugh (to reassure her, for the most part) and pulled his sister into another hug. "What terrors hide behind that innocent face of yours," he joked, kissing her hair again. "Yes, I'll try. I'll do everything I can, Nunnally." For you, but that part didn't need to be said. And... at least now, if he did die, they would both know it wasn't for lack of trying.

He held her silently for a few more moments, internally debating just how to go about moving the conversation forward. Making certain that Nunnally was comfortable was important, of course, as was setting her mind at ease about his future plans, but... the night wouldn't last forever. There was still the question of how he-- the Lelouch from her time had died, not to mention why he had felt compelled to use Geass on her. Schneizel, Suzaku, F.L.E.I.J.A., and the Black Knights were all pressing concerns as well, and... as much as he hated ruining this moment of relative peace, they couldn't remain in it forever.

"Nunnally," he said again at length, relaxing his hold on her only slightly. "I know this will be hard for you, but... can you tell me how it happened? Everything from the second battle of Tokyo to the time you were taken-- if I'm going to change it, I need to know all that I can." And more, but hearing this would give him a better idea of where to start.

It didn't need to be said because the words always hung unspoken between them. For her. Always for her, even if she hadn't asked for it, didn't want to burden him with it. Even now in this place he was putting her ahead of other things, as Nunnally had noticed in a note on the bulletin earlier. But in this...maybe she could be a little selfish, if it meant she wouldn't lose him again.

But then as the silence became more comfortable, to the point she could almost pretend things were like they had once been, the words she'd been dreading shattered that moment's peace. Of course he'd want to know everything that had led up to his death; he was right, he had to know, if he was to change his future. Talking about it, though --

Nunnally stiffened slightly, her hand closing around a fold of the fabric of his shirt (dry, thankfully, though her memory and imagination supplied the feel of a different fabric, richer and heavier and sticky with cooling blood) as she turned to hide her face against his chest. "I...don't know all of it," she replied, forcing the words out despite her discomfort. He wouldn't have asked if it wasn't important.

"After the battle I was with...with Schneizel." Who, she knew now, had omitted several significant details from the reports she'd been given, and substituted outright lies in some places. Pendragon, for instance...she shivered lightly and continued. "I'm not certain exactly what happened, but Zero -- you, the Black Knights said you'd died, of injuries sustained in the battle. And for a while that...there was no other word."

Edited 2010-02-21 06:46 (UTC)

The shift in Nunnally's mood was difficult to miss, and had this not been so important, Lelouch might have taken a moment to silently curse himself for it. Instead, he stroked her back soothingly, silently reassuring her that he was still there and willing to give her all the time she needed to get the words out. He wished suddenly that they could have had this conversation in her room at Ashford instead; the unfamiliar environment couldn't have been doing anything to help her unease. Of course, that room was Rolo's now...

He focused his attention on her immediately once she spoke again, quiet as she began her tale. He did what little could reduce the amount of tension in his body when she mentioned Schneizel, but he soon realized he needn't bother. There was no way she wouldn't be able to detect it, and besides, he was allowed a little bit of tension every now and again. That didn't mean he should let her know just how much, but the thought was there.

"... Suzaku told me the Black Knight betrayed me," he said softly, reluctant at first to reveal more but... he couldn't hide things from her anymore, and she already knew enough that it hardly mattered. "Schneizel was able to uncover my identity, and once he told them, they assumed the worst. I escaped, but I don't know how yet." He sighed. "I imagine it was easier for them to say that I had died than to admit the truth and destroy the symbol of Zero." Their savior. That was what they called him, wasn't it?

"Go on, Nunnally. What happened next?"

The tension was clear enough, but Nunnally attributed it to the conversation in general rather than anything specific. There were so many things that could be, and likely were, running through Lelouch's mind at the moment, after all, and she had no reason to pause and consider what exactly had triggered the reaction. Especially not when she was distressed enough herself, both at what she was currently recounting and what she was about to, first Lelouch's false death that had been reported and then the true one she had witnessed firsthand.

As he tried to silently reassure her his efforts both helped and hindered, simultaneously a comfort and a reminder. The world had believed him dead for a time, but when he returned -- the conflict within her hadn't been as strong as it was now, but it had still been present. He'd been alive but at the same time....

She swallowed, her eyes closing as she tried to narrow her focus down only to the words she had to speak, tried not to think too hard about them. About what she would say, and what he would think. "You...about a month after the battle, you...reappeared. And announced that the emperor, our father -- was dead. That you'd...killed him. And -- and you declared yourself his successor."

And there her voice faltered and failed, as she was left at a loss how to continue. How to describe exactly what he'd done as the 99th Emperor of Britannia, how he'd caused so much suffering and hatred. It had been enough that even she had begun to fear that he truly had changed and was no longer the brother she'd known. Enough to convince her that she had to fight against him.

... Well. That did sound like something Lelouch would do, especially if their father had been destroyed in the way that Suzaku had said. After all, he could hardly have returned to the Black Knights, and there had been nothing truly left for him at Ashford for quite some time now. With the world still rife with conflict... but where would one go from there? The hatred that everyone still felt would hardly have been dispelled by the death of the emperor, hidden away in the World of C as it was. But... if he were the one at Britannia's helm, then--

Now distinctly ill at ease, Lelouch glanced down at Nunnally, trying to get a better look at her expression. With the way she was curled against him, he couldn't see more than the top of her head, and that... bothered him. It was hardly necessary for him to see her properly in order to gauge her emotions (her halting description had spoken volumes all on its own), but he would have liked to see her then all the same.

He took a moment or two to dispel whatever tension remained in him (it couldn't be helping) and closed his eyes, gathering his thoughts once more. "What did I do then?" he prompted gently, thoroughly hating the fact that he was doing so at all. With any luck, they would never need to discuss this matter again after tonight, but it would be foolish to assume that life in the institute would be that kind to either of them.

Edited 2010-02-21 10:45 (UTC)

This wasn't a story she could tell like this, Nunnally realized; her own actions after Lelouch had seized the throne had taken place far from him, as she'd been forced to follow her own path. It felt wrong somehow to recount them while hiding against him, sheltered and protected as she had been once. That was true no longer, though, and she couldn't pretend otherwise, especially not while explaining why and how it had happened.

After a long moment's silence she drew back slightly, forcing herself to release her grip on his shirt as she did. "You...as the Emperor, you began to make changes," she said, her hand lifting to brush her hair back from her face as she looked up at him again. Her voice grew firmer as she forced the emotion out of it, focusing only on the words she was speaking rather than the feelings behind them. "Changes that made many people unhappy. Dissenting voices were silenced, though, and soon...the world both hated and feared Emperor Lelouch vi Britannia, as well as his Knight of Zero, Kururugi Suzaku.

"And I...." She hesitated, regret and remorse causing her carefully neutral expression to flicker briefly, before managing to continue. "I agreed to help Schneizel and Cornelia, to...to stop you. To end the suffering and hatred."

Lelouch was reluctant to let her move away, but since it was clearly a conscious decision on her part, he couldn't justify continuing to cling to her. He relaxed his hold then and looked down at her, his features twisting in concern. That change in tone-- it reminded him of the way she had spoken to him at breakfast, and in the same way he had then, he didn't quite know how to react to it. It wasn't nearly as jarring as it had been then, either because Nunnally wasn't using as stern a tone or because he had grown more accustomed to seeing her with her eyes open, but...

For a moment or two more, he was caught up in wondering what had brought about this second shift in her mood, but then he actually stopped and listened. Changes that made people unhappy, silencing dissenting voices-- hated and feared? That Lelouch couldn't possibly have thought--

He went still, his face slowly draining of all color. Of course. Of course. How could he have been so stupid? No, not stupid; he simply hadn't wanted to acknowledge it, not with the way Nunnally had been so deeply hurt by it all. The world's hatred had needed a new focal point; that much was obvious. Announcing himself as the murderer of Britannia's beloved emperor, stealing the throne, and going on a rampage that spanned the entire globe would more than accomplish the goal of making himself that focus, and Lelouch had no doubt that he had played the role to a tee. True, Nunnally hadn't said it in as many words, but he knew both her and himself well enough to fill in the rest of the blanks on his own. Silencing dissenting voices-- an absolute tyrant, in other words, and one that was unafraid of letting people know it. It would have been easy to despise Lelouch vi Britannia, and the only way to break the cycle of hatred would have been, as always, for someone else to finally win.

He forced himself to look away from her again, now thoroughly appreciating the distance between them for what it was. The things he must have done-- and dragging Suzaku into it as well, even if his knight had pledged himself to the cause. It made a horrifying sort of sense that only seemed to worsen the more he thought about it, but Nunnally-- what could she have thought of it? How terrible could his actions have been to make her want to stop him? To join with Schneizel and Cornelia-- it must have been a convincing act indeed for his sister, the person who had known and loved him the longest, to have fallen for it.

That must be why she wanted him to change it, he realized, closing his eyes. All of those lives, all that sacrifice-- the means had been drastic enough that it was easy to want them replaced by something different, something... gentler. And yet, to destroy the world and recreate it-- there was no denying that such a plan would have worked. Lelouch could just as easily see why the Lelouch Nunnally had known would have wanted to go through with it, especially when he had nothing else to lose. Assuming he hadn't had the benefit of the memories from Landel's, he would have lost the Black Knights, his life at Ashford, his parents, and Nunnally herself. What path would have been left to him that could fulfill his promise? But that wasn't what Nunnally wanted. Not from her brother, and certainly not if it meant his death.

At that last thought, Lelouch's eyes snapped open, and he swung his head around to face her. The one to kill him, had it been-- no, he was getting ahead of himself. Nunnally still hadn't finished her story, and although it pained him more than ever to force her to relive it through her retelling, he had to know the rest.

Edited 2010-02-22 11:17 (UTC)

"And what happened then?" he asked, much more bluntly than he had intended. He despaired at the fact that Nunnally was the one to tell him this. He would have given anything to be able to pace, curse, scream, and yell at the atrociousness of it all, but he absolutely couldn't if he was with her. Perhaps with Suzaku-- no, then he would have to explain it to his knight, and how could he even begin to go about doing that?

"I'm sorry, Nunnally," he murmured an instant later, and with any luck, it was clear that he was referring to his suddenly short tone and not... everything else. He couldn't even begin to address all of that. "Please, go on."

Nunnally had forced herself to watch his reaction as she spoke, despite her own misgivings and discomfort, and was left even more conflicted in the end by the reactions she could both see and sense. She didn't need to see him to know his reaction, didn't need close contact to notice the shift in his breathing or the soft rustling of fabric as his posture shifted and he looked away. For years she'd been able to read his emotional state -- even from across the room she could tell when he was upset, and being able to actually see it only made it more simple.

Clearly he not only understood what she was telling him but why his future (or alternate?) self had chosen to do what he did. There was no denial or confusion, although his reaction -- he didn't seem to enjoy the realization, at least. But did he recognize that plan? Was it already in the works in the time he was from? If so, would it be possible to change?

It was similar to what Schneizel had planned with the Damocles, but Lelouch had been right: a person was far easier to comprehend, a much better focus than an air fortress. Even so, though, was it necessary for so much death, so much destruction and fear and despair? A world created in such a manner, no matter how peaceful in the end, would always be tainted by the means used to accomplish it. That left her not entirely innocent, of course, her own hands dirtied by her acceptance of Schneizel's plan and the use of F.L.E.I.J.A. but -- it had seemed necessary at the time. The Emperor -- Lelouch -- had to be stopped.

She could understand why he had felt it necessary now, but still...if it could be changed, it should be. If there was a way they could both live together peacefully, Nunnally hoped that he could find it, once they returned home. It all depended on him, now, and what he could do once armed with the knowledge he'd obtained in this place.

When he spoke again she realized that her gaze had slowly dropped to where her hands lay folded in her lap, as though wondering if she could see the stains of the sins she had brought upon herself. Nunnally glanced up at him again, mildly startled by his tone, but the surprise faded away again as he apologized. She couldn't blame him; it would have been easier and more comfortable to stop there, but if she wanted to change the past he had to know. She had to tell him.

"The Damocles." She drew in a breath, absently rubbing her hands together before realizing what she was doing; she clasped them together and forced herself to sit quietly as she continued, her attention fixed somewhere on the wall past his head. "A sky fortress, equipped with the most advanced weapons technology -- including F.L.E.I.J.A. warheads. Schneizel intended it to draw the attention of the world, to become a focus of hatred and fear. He began with...with the destruction of Pendragon."

The city should have been empty. Evacuated of all innocents caught in the explosion. It wasn't until later that Nunnally had learned the truth, and the weight of that -- she should be grateful to Lelouch for stopping them, stopping her, as he had.

"When the Britannian forces attacked, I...asked for the key to the Damocles. The trigger that would fire F.L.E.I.J.A. It was the only way I could help." Her gaze shifted to focus on him again, her face washed of color and hands closed tightly about each other. "You made your way onto the ship and...forced me to give you the key."

... Had he. Somehow, Lelouch sincerely doubted Schneizel's motives had been as pure as that, but he didn't interrupt Nunnally to say so. Better to listen quietly, even if he wished she would allow him to comfort her again at the very least. As someone who had actually experienced the events she was describing, her connection to them and the pain she felt as a result was far greater than his own, and it was impossible to be anything other than aware of that fact as he watched her hands clench and her face pale.

He did what he could to focus on her words instead, though, not wanting to have to ask her to repeat any of it if he could help it. A sky fortress... well, that explained the name. An appropriate one, too, given what it was armed with. Anyone who had a weapon like that would have undisputed control over the entire world, assuming they used it in the proper way-- or improper way, depending on one's point of view. That would have fit into his plans perfectly, even if he never would have used it on a capital city. ... Then again, he might just have. Still, to go so far as to use Geass on Nunnally-- that alternate self had to have been reluctant, if only at first. After committing himself to a plan like that one, Lelouch could understand why he might be less so, but... it was Nunnally. How could he have done that?

But that wasn't the thing to focus on. There was also the fact that his sister had been allowed to bear the burden of firing F.L.E.I.J.A., and even though she had asked for it, he hated both Schneizel and Cornelia for permitting it. Even against an emperor such as the one he'd been-- or had that been why they had done it? They both knew how much he had cared for her; perhaps they had been counting on the fact that he would hesitate and intended to use the extra time to their advantage. From that standpoint--

He swallowed but didn't ask, instead continuing to look down at her hands and hating the fact that he didn't know if she would accept further reassurance just then. He wanted to lay his hand over hers or hug her again, but... "I imagine things went smoothly after that," he said softly, making himself look away from her. His death truly was the only logical conclusion after that. Someone like that couldn't be allowed to live in the new, gentle world, even if it had all been a farce. And... if he had only just been reunited with his sister, there was no better punishment for his sins than denying himself a future with her.

Of all the words she might have chosen to describe the events surrounding the battle on the Damocles, "smoothly" was nowhere on the list. From the point of view of the Emperor, perhaps; his plans certainly had fallen immediately into place in the next two months, but for everyone else -- it wasn't quite the same. She flinched visibly at the comment, briefly glad that he was looking away as her own gaze fell to her lap once more.

As difficult as it had been to begin speaking, now that she had it was easier, the words flowing from her -- like blood from a wound her mind supplied, and she winced again at the thought -- so that she didn't want to halt the momentum even though she could see how much it was upsetting him. If she didn't think about it, ignored the pain twisting in her own chest, blinked back the tears that wanted to fall in reaction to the memories her words were calling up, she could finish. He had to know all of it. Only then would he really understand what she was asking him to change.

"The battle was a decisive win for Britannia, and the last of the resistance wiped out. A victory for the Empire, even if...if Suzaku was reported killed in action." Despite the fact that her voice remained even it grew quieter as she forced herself to end the story, determined to finish what she had begun. "Most of the leaders of the opposing forces had been captured, and two months after the battle...we were supposed to be executed. And transported there in open parade beneath the eyes of the Emperor himself."

She could remember it as though it had just happened yesterday. All of it -- the feel of the platform beneath her, the oppressive and uncomfortable silence of the crowd lining the streets, the grief and despair that weighed down her limbs more than any physical binding could have. And then the procession lurched to a halt, and she'd lifted her head and seen the impossible.

Nunnally swallowed hard, her knuckles going white with the strength of her grip. "But on the way -- Zero appeared, blocking the road. Everything stopped. He passed all the guards surrounding the Emperor's transport and...." That sentence she couldn't finish, no matter how determined she was. Her voice cut off as a tear she hadn't realized was threatening to fall landed on the back of her hand, and she squeezed her eyes tightly closed, though that couldn't block out the images supplied by her memory.

Night 47: F21-F30 Hallway

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