damned_institute | Night 46: M31-40 Hallway

"I...no." Yue's wings shifted, unfolding slightly with the edges curving forward, an almost defensive gesture he wasn't consciously aware he was making until it was too late. Drawing them back again would call attention to the movement, so he didn't; he merely stayed just as impassive as before.

What Touya had said was quite true, though. He was a guardian; his purpose was to protect, not to injure. Not to kill one who never deserved it, who should have been safe because Yue was protecting him.

He just managed to suppress the faint shudder at the thought, but the tips of his wings still wavered slightly. "I still had to...I judged it would be safer for the two of us to go ahead. I was clearly mistaken and...will not make such an error again."

Touya arched an eyebrow at Yue so fast, he thought he might strain a muscle doing it.

"Are you apologizing? To me?" Sure, Touya wasn't too pleased with Yue for surging ahead like that without talking about what was going to happen, but it sounded like Yue was trying to avoid being fired of all things. The thought made Touya want to take Yue by the shoulders and just... make him listen. It was clear, though, from his reaction in the other room that Yue did not want Touya touching him--so he refrained.

"I don't expect you to know exactly what's going to happen every single night. I know you expect that of yourself, but I don't.

"This place... it isn't like anything we've seen before. You can't possibly think you can anticipate everything..."

Yes, he was apologizing, and it was difficult enough without being left wondering if Touya found that somehow amusing. Yue couldn't find anything about the situation at all that could be considered amusing, and so found himself getting mildly irritated by the reaction. His feathers ruffled slightly as his lips pressed together into a thin line, and he settled for a slight nod.

"I should have anticipated something," he replied, after a moment to regain his composure. "We walked quite blindly into a trap I should have at least suspected, and then you were hurt because of m--us."

"That's not true. I wasn't hurt because of you," Touya said, refusing to acknowledge that Yue changed his pronoun. "It was Landel--Landel set up this whole twisted game and forced you to play. If you hadn't, Sakura would have been hurt even more. So I took a few scratches. Big deal--it's nothing compared to what happened to you."

Touya's expression softened into a look of concern. "I know you're upset over what happened, and I know you're trying to compensate by worrying about everyone else. But maybe this once, you should put me and Sakura aside and figure out how you feel and why you feel that way."

Oh, so now Touya wanted to change the subject to discuss his feelings? Yue gave a faint sigh, his annoyed expression changing not a bit. That wasn't the important thing here -- all he'd wanted to do was convey his apologies and move on, since there really wasn't anything else that could be done right now.

If Fai hadn't attacked then the others would have been hurt even worse than they had been, because he had been too indecisive to do anything to protect them. And then because of that, he'd killed someone who should have been under his protection. It was a situation with no good result, he knew that, but still couldn't help but feel like a complete failure, because he had failed.

"It doesn't matter," he snapped, sounding more than slightly irritable. "It won't change what happened, or what I did or didn't do."

Touya was taken aback by Yue's snap for a moment. Yue had his cold or irritated moments, but this one was different. He was genuinely upset about this, Touya could tell. Yue wanted to change the outcome, and both he and Touya knew that nothing would change now. But that didn't mean that Touya wanted Yue to go on blaming himself because of how things had played out. Touya couldn't make Yue feel differently, though. He could only try to lead the guardian to water.

"It won't change anything, but what about you? Are you going to continue hiding in your wings, and hiding in your room, and not eating? Maybe you'll work this out on your own, maybe you won't, but I don't like seeing you like this, it... it worries me."

Yue was startled as much by his own outburst as by Touya's reaction to it, and for a moment could only stare blankly into the shadows at the edge of the room. Once recalled to himself he blinked once, then abruptly turned away, his wing lifting with the movement just enough to hide his profile from Touya's view. Though he hadn't thought of it as such until it was pointed out to him, hiding was the best option he could see at the moment; it gave him privacy to think without being bothered. Without having to "worry" anyone.

You hid in the Book for years after Clow-san died. Did that make you feel any better? Yukito's tone was gentle, filled with concern for his other self despite his own worries and weariness. It left Yue wanting to be angry that those memories were no longer his own, but...he couldn't. Clow had created Yukito as much as he had Yue; it was Yukito's right to know about it.

"I won't let Yukito come to harm," he finally said aloud, his voice much calmer and quieter now. "I did promise that much." Even if he'd done as well with that promise as with others, he still had a chance to redeem himself there. That was likely Touya's main concern, anyway.

Touya stared at the expanse of wing that used to be Yue's face, feeling much like how he'd felt when Kaho had suddenly declared that they had to break up. This seemed to be coming from nowhere--or at least someplace where his brand of logic didn't exist. For example, he could have sworn he was saying 'you' and not 'Yuki'. He also thought he'd been talking about Yue's mental state and not Yukito's safety. So he was being pushed away--again.

"Are you even listening to me?!" Touya said, barely keeping himself from raising his voice. "I asked if you were going to keep hiding until you feel like you've punished yourself enough. I said that seeing you like this worries me." He stopped, tightened his jaw and moved around Yue's wing, trying to get into a position where he could see Yue's face.

"I love Yuki, but I won't let you tell me that I can't care about you too. Not without a fight."

"Don't care about me."

The words emerged before Yue could stop them, before he even had the conscious realization that he'd formed them, and an instant after he realized what he'd just said both wings lifted and folded around him, as though he was planning to shift back to his other form. It wasn't likely to work, given all the restrictions on his power in this place, but before he could even begin the attempt he could feel Yukito refusing, with a fond but concerned, You can't keep running away.

That shouldn't be possible, but that was before, when Yukito wasn't at all aware when Yue was present. Now that things had...changed, perhaps that had as well. This was an inconvenient time to be realizing it, though.

Even so, Yue stayed wrapped in his own wings, eyes closed as though he could shut out the entire world. He didn't want to think about this right now. Or ever.

Touya backed away as the wings wrapped around Yue, expecting the transformation to take place. Nothing was happening. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he assumed that Yue was still Yue and was just hiding from him now. He hadn't brought Yue to his room to antagonize him, but Touya wasn't going to sit there and not do anything while Yue was still fighting to stay miserable.

He approached the wing barrier, looking it up and down. He couldn't see any way to get through it without touching Yue, and he'd said all he could. He'd been virtually backhanded by those last words as well. He could almost feel his old frustrations returning--how could Yuki be so honest and kind and Yue refuse to let Touya comfort him? How was this even possible?

It couldn't be helped. Touya repeated over and over in his head that he couldn't help anyone who wouldn't help themselves. Who wouldn't let someone help them. So he turned away from the wings and sat down on his bed with a soft, weary sigh.

"You can't make me not care."

I don't want you to care, Yue immediately thought in response, but this time managed not to say it aloud. That hardly mattered when he shared his consciousness with another, though, and soon a response came nonetheless.

Why not?

Because...I don't.

Because you're afraid.

No. No, I'm not afraid.

You don't want to admit that you care about him.

I don't.

You can't lie to me, you know.

I...I can't.

You can. I know you. Just tell him.

No.

He wouldn't hurt you. You know that.

Slowly, ever so slowly, Yue's wings relaxed. They didn't unfold entirely, still remaining curved about him with just the tips touching in front, but at least he was visible now: standing perfectly upright, shoulders set, but with his head bowed in contrast to the stiff posture. "Do you?" he asked, quietly. "Care, I mean. About...me."

Touya couldn't believe (for a moment) that Yue was actually coming out of his wing-cocoon. He'd thought for certain that he'd sit there until Yuki took control and went for the cake. Apparently not.

The only thing he knew for certain now was that he couldn't blow this. One wrong word and Yue would curl up and never come out--possibly until they all went home. He wouldn't move, and he would have to choose his words carefully.

"There are people that I have to care about out of obligation: people like customers, my superiors... And there are people I can't help but worry about and care for. People like my dad, and Sakura, and Yuki. I think... you think I have to care about you out of obligation, because you protect Sakura and her friends and her family and Yuki. But I know you'd do that even if I didn't give you a second glance." He looked down at the floor between his knees. "So I don't care about you out of obligation--I just care about you because I do."

For a time Yue made no response to that, though in the silence the soft rustle of feather against feather could be heard as he shifted his wings in an attempt to hide the way they were trembling slightly. "In the time I am from, I've known you longer than you have known me," he observed finally, his attention ostensibly fixed on the floor.

When he tried to think of how to continue that, however, he only froze: what was he to do, tell his entire life story in order to explain? That wasn't likely, not when he didn't want to think about...certain things, not right now. He was already on edge enough to have spoken when he didn't wish to and said more than intended.

"No matter what I do or how long I live, you'll always have known me longer than I've known you," Touya pointed out with a small smile. "You've been watching us all, right? Even when Yuki and Sakura and I didn't know you existed.

"Unless you're counting our first meeting face-to-face as the starting point. In which case, I guess you're right," he said. He thought about that for a moment. If they were going by that logic, then Touya hadn't known Yue for more than... a week, at most. He supposed that most people wouldn't feel so strongly about someone they'd only known for a week, but these were extenuating circumstances. Not only were they trapped in a prison, forced into working closely with one another and learning about how the other operated as soon as possible, but Yue had silently watched over the people he cared for most without demanding credit. He was selfless enough to apologize for pulling Touya and Sakura into a situation that couldn't be helped, when Yue himself was obviously hurting over what had happened in the arena. Touya couldn't see why he shouldn't care about someone like Yue.

"Is there something I should know? Something that the future-me knows? Or do I have to wait a few weeks before we move past the donor-recipient relationship?" he asked, giving Yue another small smile.

Had it not been for the fact that Yukito wouldn't let him, Yue would willingly have hidden again; as it was, he was feeling distinctly uncomfortable and his wings reflected it by curving a little closer about him in a protective fashion. This was Touya but not the Touya that he'd known, who was not only accustomed to his presence but a little more comfortable around him. That Touya likely would have been more receptive, in the unusual case that Yue actually wanted to talk about what he was feeling, but this one...well, they were the same person, but the difference in time was an especially significant one in this situation.

The guardian glanced up briefly, then back down at the floor, his arms folding a little tighter. "It was...not just because of Yukito, that you were so affected last night." Touya had said it himself: he and Yukito weren't all that different. As little as Yue wanted to admit it, that part was true.

There was some thread to this conversation that Touya wasn't following--but Yue was, and he supposed that was what counted. Somewhere, this seemingly disjointed conversation made sense to Yue.

But disjointed or not, it dawned on him that the wounds he'd received last night--the small puncture wounds--were akin to Yue's arrows. So... Sakura hadn't been hurt because Yue wasn't fighting, Sakura had been hurt because Fai wasn't fighting. And if it wasn't just because of Yukito, that meant...

It meant that in the future, he and Yue were actually closer? It might explain the strange attitude Yue was showing him. After all, Touya would feel strange if he'd met a Yukito who didn't know him. Or worse, a Yukito who didn't care for him the way Touya cared for Yukito. It would be uncomfortable. Straining, even.

"I'm sorry," Touya's eyebrows came together slightly in an apologetic look. "I didn't think... I mean, I didn't realize that I was so different now. That our relationship had changed before you came here. I didn't mean to upset you, or try to force anything." He looked at his hands again. "I'm not the same, am I? I'm kind of... a ghost, right? A ghost of someone you care about. Because I haven't been there for you yet."

Yue glanced up sharply, his wings lifting and feathers ruffling as he started to automatically deny that he cared about anyone, because he most certainly did not -- but paused before he even got a syllable out. It would be kind of ridiculous to continue that now, after what he'd already said. He glanced away again, wings slowly returning to where they'd been, and gave a faint sigh.

He'd never wanted to admit any of this, to anyone. But he'd become so accustomed to the way he and Touya interacted before, and then this Touya arrived without the memory of any of it, and they'd probably...not exactly gotten off on the right foot, here. And then there was here, the situation they were in, and -- and now it was far too late to take back anything he'd said.

"It's not quite...." Yue paused with another sigh, shaking his head slightly so that his hair fell into his face. "I don't care," he said, though there was so little force behind the words that the lie was obvious.

Touya got off the bed and moved back over to Yue so he was standing in front of him. He wanted to push Yue's hair back so he could see his face (which had apparently gotten much longer since last he remembered...), but he didn't want to frighten Yue again.

"It's alright. You don't have to care right now," he said quietly, though the statement implied that he knew Yue was just saying words that he knew had no meaning behind them. But he wasn't going to push anymore. As much as he hated to admit it, he'd probably made Yue feel even worse by pushing him to admit something he might not have been ready to admit. He couldn't fix it now, but he could at least walk away and leave the door open.

"But at least... try to believe there's a reason for someone to care about you. A really good reason. You don't have to care about me, but I'm telling you right now that I care about you. So saying I don't is just trying to tell me the sky is yellow," he smiled a little. "Okay?"

"...very well." The words sounded somewhat grudging, but Yue finally looked up at Touya again as he spoke - not quite meeting the other's eyes, but not looking past him, either. At the same time his wings finally pulled away, folding against his back instead of providing a shelter.

Oddly enough, it was a bit of a relief to have said (all right, hinted strongly at) certain things, but at the same time the emotion was mingled with a strong guilt. It was true that he hadn't wanted to care about anyone; it felt like a betrayal of Clow's memory to admit that he might lo--like someone else. Or...was it?

Like Sakura-chan says, Yukito replied softly, It'll definitely be all right. Don't worry so much.

Yue shook his head a little in response to the silent comment, then finally lifted his eyes to meet Touya's. "It's useless to argue when you have an idea in your head. You or your sister."

Touya had to laugh at that. It was true--he and Sakura probably clashed so much because they both were so entrenched in their own ideas and neither would back down. He supposed that was a good thing in some instances.

"You're catching on, then. I thought you'd already know as much about Sakura, but I guess it didn't take long for you to figure out I'm kind of the same, hm?"

He tilted his head slightly, happy that he'd at least distracted Yue for the time being. At least Yue could think about how irritatingly persistent Touya was, instead of other things. "Your hair grew," he observed.

"It...oh." Somehow, being as distracted as he had been all day, Yue hadn't even paid any attention to his hair at all. All right, he'd sat on it earlier, but that wasn't terribly unusual. But now as he glanced down he realized it was the length that it should be, instead of what it had been for the last couple of weeks.

He pulled a lock forward and studied it, glad of the change of topic, but somewhat puzzled as to how this had happened. "This is how long it used to be," he replied, with a small frown. "My second night here one of the creatures cut it shorter." The first day he'd met Fai, in fact, but he quickly shuddered away from that thought.

And then a thought occurred to him, and he dropped the hair and reached over to push up his left sleeve to see his upper arm. The arrows in the basement several nights ago had left three neat, thin scars there but...they were no longer there. "It's...like I never was injured at all."

"Really?" Touya repositioned himself so he could see Yue's arm. It didn't seem possible for scars to just vanish suddenly like that, but apparently it was possible here. And since when did hair being cut count as a scar? Stranger things had happened, he supposed, and he certainly wasn't going to complain about this one.

"That's good, right?" Touya offered with a smile. "It's like you're back to you old self, before you arrived here."

Even though Touya might have thought it was a good thing, Yue's deepening frown indicated that he clearly did not agree. He stared at his arm a moment longer before dropping the sleeve and moving to pull up the front of his shirt, checking for the larger scar that should have been across his stomach, from their encounter with the clockwork man in the cafeteria. "But why? Why would it suddenly...."

And there he paused, growing utterly still for a moment as a thought occurred to him. "It's not just the old scars," he said, slowly, voice so carefully controlled that it showed no emotion at all. "Everything from last night is healed, as well, as though...it never happened." If this was the "prize" Landel had spoken of, he didn't want it - but at the same time there was no way to reject it. He couldn't go deliberately injuring himself just to give him the scars again.

When it became clear that Yue wasn't thrilled to have his hair back or his scars removed, Touya's smile fell almost instantaneously. He thought Yue would be happy to have his wings and hair back and his scars gone... He'd seemed rather disdainful of them, at the very least.

"A lot of things here don't make sense," Touya said. "It's probably best not to think about the why or how. He just wants you to run your mind in circles trying to figure out why he removed your scars.

"...besides, do they really need to be visible to still exist? I think you carry more scars than are visible," he said carefully.

It probably was true that Landel would be willing to do something like that just to see how much it made Yue worry, with no other motive - but he still couldn't help but do so. He allowed his shirt to drop back into place, absently brushing his hands down the front as though trying to straighten it. If he was going to be given something as a reminder, he might have preferred his clothing; it was far more comfortable (if only for familiarity) than what he was given here.

"I disliked having them," he replied in a somewhat distracted fashion, eyes slightly narrowed. "But if I somehow earned it by being on his "good side" I'd rather keep those scars." If Touya meant something more than simply physical scars, he wasn't paying any mind to that at the moment.

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36

Re: M36