damned_institute | Day 43: Waiting Room/Lobby 2, Third Shift

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Day 43: Waiting Room/Lobby 2, Third Shift

It would have been impossible not to see this coming, but after the night he'd had and seeing Euphy in the cafeteria-- hadn't the past twenty-four hours been enough? He couldn't do this anymore, not after seeing her walking around as if nothing had happened and knowing that Suzaku was going through a similar ordeal. His knight-- no, former knight now-- had been so transformed by her death, and having to behave now as if none of that had occurred had to be-- but it was out of Lelouch's hands now. Both of them were, and although he would have liked nothing more than to speak to her again or tell Suzaku why he couldn't tell him what had happened, he couldn't do that to either of them. It would be easier for them this way.

For him, however, the torment was just beginning. There was a wide variety of people the institute staff could have chosen from that would have a deep impact on him, but when the most obvious choice would have the worst-- he couldn't do this! He had spent almost all of his time here carefully shutting out thoughts of Nunnally after Suzaku had told him what would happen to her, but if he had to come face to face with her-- the walls were already beginning to crumble, and if it hadn't been for the fact that he knew his nurse would have grabbed and probably sedated him the instant he tried to bolt, he would have done so immediately.

As things were, he allowed himself to be led placidly through the Sun Room and the main hall, eyes downcast and shoulders beginning to quake ever so slightly with barely contained emotion. Nunnally-- he hadn't had a conversation with her-- a real conversation, not something rushed over the phone that hid more from her than he ever wanted and not something filled with lies and false reassurances, but a real conversation where he could ask how her day had been and lightly cradle her hand in his as she excitedly told him about the latest tidbit Sayoko had told her about Japanese culture or expressed worry about something in class she hadn't fully understood or sweetly smiled at him as she--

Lelouch shut his eyes tightly, barely hearing the nurse as she left him in the lobby to find a seat and somehow keep himself preoccupied while he waited and tried his hardest not to remember what the rest of his conversation with Suzaku had held that night. If he did...

Slowly, he began to walk over to one of the chairs, all but collapsing into it once he'd reached it and sagging forwards so that his elbows rested on his knees and only barely kept him seated upright. He didn't know how much more he could take, and if his visitor was Nunnally, then-- then what? He wasn't sure. And Nunnally-- what was he supposed to tell her? What could he even say? How could anyone expect him to talk to her now as if everything was normal when he had to-- when there was no way he could--

He stared down at the floor and waited, face blank. He would just have to get through this somehow, and after that-- he would deal with that later. He had to.

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Lelouch seemed to shrink in on himself when she entered the room (just this once, why couldn't he have been wrong?), but as he had so many times in the past, he paused, took a deep breath, and straightened, an answering smile appearing on his face for her benefit. Even if she couldn't see it, she could hear the difference; he'd learned that early on. He wasn't sure it would make a difference when Nunnally had always been uncommonly good at picking up his real emotions, but he had enough practice at hiding them from her that he had to at least make the attempt. He couldn't upset her, no matter how much the visit pained him.

As prepared as he thought he was to see her, though, his breath still caught when he finally lifted his gaze. Nunnally-- looked exactly the way he remembered her, if more human and so much more fragile now that he was viewing her up close instead of on a monitor or from behind his mask and across the room. After a whole year of being separated from her, he was finally-- even if it was a short visit, she was there and he could talk to her without watching Rolo, the impostor, lower his fingers one by one as their time ran out. Nunnally--

The smile faltered when she said that name, but compared to seeing her-- he delicately took her hand in his and gave it a small, reassuring squeeze. "I've missed you, too, Natalie," he managed to force past the growing lump in his throat, tone gentle as it always was when he spoke to his sister despite his last-minute correction. He was grateful he'd overheard the nurse earlier now; he didn't think he would have been able to stand it if her cheerful expression had crumpled after hearing him use the "wrong" name. "It's been too long."

"It has been. It really has been," she said, squeezing his hand in return, then frowning.

She tilted her head to the side for just a moment. Was there something...no. The nurses had warned her that he might seem a little different. She would normally question that further - why was her brother different, why was something off - but she wouldn't, not now. She didn't want her brother to get upset, but more than that, she didn't want their visit to end sooner than it absolutely had to. She could at least let him know that he was missed, and that she cared.

"Everyone said I couldn't call you, or send you letters, or anything, because it might make you feel bad. I think they were wrong, and I really, really wanted to! I've wondered how you were doing every day. I started asking, but...they just said it would be better to let you rest and work on getting well. I've been so worried about you, though..."

Now it was her turn to swallow a lump in her throat. She didn't want to cry in front of him, not when she was here to make him smile! She just needed to turn the conversation to something a little lighter, a little less painful, something that wouldn't lead to the question 'why'. No matter what happened...Brendan was her brother. He had been strong for her before, and now it was her turn. She could - no. She would do that, as much as it was possible. 'Natalie' took a deep breath, then smiled again.

"I've been told to send along a bunch of messages. Everyone at school misses you. Mary and Charlotte and the rest of the student council say that you'd better come back soon, and bring Lance back with you. They said if you don't get back fast, when you do come back..." She couldn't help but giggle a little. "Well, you know what kind of crazy ideas Mary gets. She wouldn't tell me everything, but she told me to tell you that it involved a frilly maid costume and the next school festival."

The frown and tilt of her head didn't go unnoticed. Was something wrong? Besides the obvious, that was, but with how much that alone could account for, Lelouch tried not to think about it further. As long as it wasn't something that might cause his sister concern, it couldn't be important. He would just have to take a tighter rein on his emotions so that she didn't sense anything that might upset her. It was the very least he could do.

He listened attentively as she spoke, determined not to let a single moment of this meeting go wasted. Unless he could be absolutely certain that she would be visiting next week or the week after that, he couldn't afford to treat this precious time with her lightly, not when both of them had to be relying on it. He had to do his best to convey how much he cared about her while he had the chance in order to help her get through whatever it was the world outside the institute had in store for her. He might not have been able to protect her himself while she was there, but if this would help...

"They were wrong, but don't worry; just knowing that you wanted to is enough. If the doctors say you shouldn't or won't pass on any letters, we should respect them." That was the exact opposite of what he wanted to say, but true enough for his purposes that it should slip past her heightened senses. "And tell Mary that I think Lance would make a much better maid than I," he added, smiling just a little bit wider in response to his sister's obvious mirth. He would never understand why she, "Mary," and "Charlotte" (at least their names were similar enough that he could match them up easily with their counterparts) enjoyed making him dress up so much, but as long as Nunnally enjoyed it...

It took a moment or two for the significance of the name "Charlotte" to sink in, but once it did, he blinked and tensed slightly, doing his best to try and keep that hidden, too, but probably not succeeding. "Charlotte-- is she doing all right?" he couldn't help but ask, brows furrowing. Shirley-- he shouldn't be surprised that she would be alive in this make-believe world the institute's machinations had constructed, but it still caught him off guard in much the same way Euphy's appearance had. He had the automatic thought that he would need to research the matter further on the board later, but when his half sister might reply-- no, it was best to leave it until later.

The words 'they were wrong' echoed in her head, and she nodded, her lower lip trembling just a bit. "I..." She fiddled with the string of cranes in her lap, finally deciding that right now was the right time to pass them over.

"There's a story that I heard a while ago that says if you make a thousand paper cranes, you'll have a wish come true. I'd started making them for myself, but after they brought you here, I asked friends to help me make them. The nurse said you could put them up, and that I could bring more next time."

She smiled after she'd handed them over. "Whatever happens, as long as we're all together, it will be okay. That happy world where we're all together is my wish, and your getting better is part of that. It's all right if I can't see you, because - " she squeezed his hand tightly - "because I'll know you're happy."

'Natalie' laughed brightly at the mental image of the pair of them in frilly outfits. "I'll tell her, but you know how she is," she said, through her giggles. Those stopped immediately at that last question.

"Charlotte was really upset when she found out you'd been brought here," she answered honestly. "She wanted to come and see you herself, but her mom thought it might be a little much. But she says to tell you that she hopes you're home soon, because she misses you a lot."

Lelouch's heart sank at that look on her face, but that was nothing compared to the way it plummeted when she brought up the cranes resting in her lap. It had been predictable enough when he knew their significance, but hearing her explain it again for him--

He squeezed his eyes shut once more, forcing himself to take another deep, calming breath before his increasingly fragile control over himself could shatter completely. He would not cry in front of her; allowing himself to be this affected by what she had said was bad enough. He couldn't let her worry more than she already had, and although that was likely impossible when she had to be able to feel the fine tremor running through him from just the slight contact of their hands-- but he couldn't pull his away and risk hurting her. He could never do something like that.

"They're beautiful," he said once he trusted himself to speak again, accepting the cranes and forcing the smile back into his voice. "Thank you, Natalie. I'll do my best to get better and make that wish come true. I promise." If this led into another pinky swear-- but he had to remain open to the idea and not let it overwhelm him, even if this was far too reminiscent of the other time he'd made a promise to his little sister. He couldn't let her know that this meant so much more to him than it should. If she blamed herself for upsetting him-- he would just need to hold on until the meeting was over, that was all. He didn't want it to end, but...

He squeezed her hand back and felt his mood lift just the tiniest bit when she laughed, but when it stopped-- he knew he shouldn't have asked. "Tell her I miss her, too," he said quietly, trying to think of a way to change the subject-- ah, of course. "And be sure to extend my condolences. With fewer vic-- uh, volunteers to choose from, Mary must be working everyone harder than ever." He paused. "She hasn't been giving you any trouble, has she?" Milly wouldn't, but he knew from personal experience how enthusiastic she could be about trying to get people to lighten and loosen up. Nunnally had tended to respond to it much better than him, but if that had changed...

"You're welcome," she said, that smile returning to her face, though it was tinged with a little sadness, still. She didn't blame herself for upsetting him, not at all, but she could tell he was hiding it just below the surface. She was tempted to make him swear to it, but it wasn't needed. Not now, not when he seemed so sensitive to the smallest things. The last thing she wanted was to make him cry, because that wasn't what she had come here to do. She wanted to make him smile.

"I know you will. I have faith in you and nothing in the world could ever change that," she added, making that smile become brighter and more firm. She nodded, repeating it: "You're my brother, Bren. There's nothing in the world you can't do. I'm sure of that. I know that wish will come true."

She nodded at the response to his inquiry about Charlotte, and then giggled again. "I'll tell her. She'll be thrilled to hear it, even if she won't admit it. And what? Of course she hasn't been giving me trouble, even if she's thrown the whole school into chaos a few more times. You should have seen it when she was doing the club budgets. She put together this scavenger hunt that involved all kinds of stuff, and everyone got their club money based on how fast they got everything." 'Natalie' laughed again.

The words were more painful than they had any right to be, especially when paired with Nunnally's ever-radiant smile. What had Lelouch ever done to deserve such unshakable faith? After what he'd done to Euphy-- it had been an accident and he'd had no other choice, but in the end, he had still been the one to pull the trigger. That wasn't even touching upon all of the other crimes he'd committed, and although 'Natalie' was even further removed from those sins than Nunnally, he couldn't help but think of them and how he had kept all of that hidden from her. If she had known the truth, would she still have been able to make that declaration? And if she'd known what he planned to do on his return--

He latched onto the change in subject before he could complete the thought, grateful at least for the fact that he wasn't expected to reply to what she'd said earlier. Hearing more about Shirley didn't help matters much, but as Milly's astounding ability to divert attention was apparently powerful enough to take effect when she wasn't around, he didn't need to think about it too much longer. "That's Mary, all right," he said, feeling reluctantly amused as he always did at Milly's few games that didn't involve him as the primary target. "Democracy has no place in a world where she's in charge." To say the least.

"Have you been doing well aside from that?" he went on to ask, concern coloring his tone. "How is school? Have you been keeping up with all of your assignments?" There probably was no real need to ask, but he wanted her to keep talking, and since he could hardly tell her about what he'd been up to during his time here, it was best to keep the conversation centered on her.

"You can say that again," she said, with another bright laugh. "Though we'll all miss her when she graduates. She may be lively, but she has a good heart under it all and just wants people to smile - and will go pretty far to make sure that happens. And she's been a really good friend to both of us." 'Natalie' smiled again, a little sadly - it was always a little sad when a friend needed to go for a while, but it wasn't goodbye forever.

The girl nodded at that next question. "I've been doing well, yes. School has been pretty busy the past few weeks, because exams are coming up, but I'm not too worried about them. I've been studying with some of the girls in my class after school, and I did really well on the last set of practice tests. I was close to the top of my class!" She beamed a little when she said that, flushing just a bit. It wasn't like her to brag usually, but...she'd been pushing herself a little harder than usual. She'd really wanted to have something to be a little proud of when she visited.

"So...are they taking good care of you here? Both of you," she added. "I know they say so, but..."

"She has," Lelouch agreed, secretly relieved to find that feigning good cheer was coming much more easily now. It might have been the topic, but it was probably just-- it had been so long since he'd heard her laugh, and as much as Milly's schemes had rankled him, he couldn't deny that more often than not, they'd been perfect for making Nunnally's time at Ashford Academy a happy one. If only they could have held on to that time longer-- but he couldn't allow himself to fall prey to that kind of thinking, no matter how much he wanted Nunnally to be able to have the chance to enjoy-- he couldn't. But--

So much for his "cheerful" mood. "I'm glad to hear that," he said a bit more quietly, his gaze drifting down to their linked hands. He was tempted to say that he wished he could have been there or that he would have liked to help her instead or even asked who these girls were that Nunnally had studied with so that he could perform a few thorough background checks, but-- "We should celebrate that when I get back, too," he continued, glancing back up to her face and smiling at the slight flush he saw. "I'm so proud of you, Natalie." He wanted to say more, but he was certain that if he did-- he just hoped she didn't notice the way his breath had caught, even if his now shaking hands would be impossible for her to miss.

"I'm--" He closed his eyes, struggling to remain silent as he fought back tears. No, no, no, not now, not while she was there and couldn't know-- he was her big brother, damn it, and he would not allow himself do this in front of her. He couldn't-- "They are," he said faintly, bowing his head and holding her hand a little tighter-- not enough to hurt her, he had more control than that, but tightly enough to remind himself that she was there and he couldn't-- not now, damn it!

After a lengthy pause, he took another deep breath (quietly, so she wouldn't hear), forced himself to loosen his grip, and looked up at her, a broken smile trying and failing to cover up what her closed eyes couldn't see. "I'm sorry, Natalie," he murmured, his voice just a bit stronger now that he had (sort of) regained his composure. She couldn't possibly be fooled by it, but he had to convince her that he would at least be all right in the future even if he wasn't now. "Yes, they're taking care of us. It's been a little difficult for both of us, but we're-- we're going to be okay."

The blonde girl beamed for just a moment, and if she had been able to open her eyes, they would have been shining brightly with pride. "I've been working really hard. So we'll definitely celebrate when you come home, right? We'll order a bunch of pizzas and get a cake, and have everyone over. It'll be a party for all of us," she said, then stopped, her face falling just a bit.

There was something off again, something sadder than what was being said. "Don't cry. It'll be all right. It'll be all right," she repeated softly. If she had been able to stand on her own, she would have, at that point; she wanted to hug him at times like this. There was something profoundly unfair about not being able to return as much affection - no, as much love - as she felt. It made her frown, and her own hands shook. "I promise it will be. You'll both be home safe and sound before you know it, right? And then we'll have that big party. It'll be a welcome-home party like the school hasn't ever seen before. I'll get everyone to help." The words flowed out faster than her usual, as if she was trying to comfort herself with the idea as much as she was trying to comfort her brother.

"And about that." She paused, taking a quiet breath. "If there's anything at all I can do," she murmured quietly, "just say the word. I'll always be here for you, no matter what happens. There's nothing in the world that would ever change that. Nothing," she said, voice shaking with the effort to keep steady. "I love you. You're the best big brother in the world, you know?"

For one brief, terrible moment, Lelouch wished for nothing more than for his sister to be quiet. This meeting was painful enough without her continuing to speak as though he could return to his happy "life" with her and not have to-- "I'd like that," he said quietly, opting for the shortest response possible so that he wouldn't have to lie to her or, worse yet, resort to telling the whole truth. He couldn't-- not to Nunnally. And he couldn't--

The constricted feeling in his chest worsened at her disheartened expression, and instantly abandoning the string of cranes so that he could gently pull her into a hug, he said, "Don't worry, Nu- Natalie. I'm not going to cry." Not while she was around, at least. He had upset her enough, and he only prayed that she had missed his near-slip so that he wouldn't have inadvertently done it again. "And it will be all right; I'll make it all right. That's another promise from me to to you, and I will do everything within my power to fulfill it." Had he been making the promise to anyone else, it might have sounded ominous, but since it was to Nunnally-- he just hoped it would be enough to reassure her.

The need to avoid upsetting her further was all that kept his control from slipping again at the rest of what she'd said, and doing his best to mend his smile even as he felt his heart break, he continued, "I love you, too, and knowing that you're there is enough. You don't have to do a single thing more." He would take care of the rest. As long as he didn't think--

"Even the 'best big brother in the world' doesn't deserve you as a sister," he added softly, hoping to coax another smile out of her. "I'm going to need to do better if I want to keep up."

She nodded, hugging him back. While she'd heard that faint stumble, she had chalked it up to the moment's emotions - everyone got choked up like that when they were sad, and this was nothing more than that, a moment's sadness. "I know you'll make it all right. I believe in you." she said, sniffling a little. She hadn't come here to cry, or to make him cry, either. The only thing to do then was pull back just slightly, enough so that he could see her smile.

"Well...I won't stop thinking about you every day, and I won't stop smiling. Because you can't tell someone else to keep being strong and smiling if you don't do it yourself, right? That's my promise, from me to you." She slipped her hand free, linking her pinky finger with his. "Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye." When she let go, it was with a laugh. "So now I can't break that."

There was a light tap on her shoulder just then. "I'm sorry to cut you both short, because it looks like you're having so much fun, but it's time," the nurse said, looking a little sympathetic. 'Natalie' started to frown, but then remembered the promise she'd just made.

"I'll keep on doing my best, and I know that you will, too. I love you, Bren. And next time I'm here, I hope it's because we're getting to come and bring you home. So." She leaned in and kissed his cheek. "I'll see you again soon. I promise."

She waved as the nurse began wheeling her chair out and back down the hall.

He should have known better than to think that might be the end of it. He didn't protest or give any other indication that the way his sister had chosen to seal the promise was even remotely upsetting to him, though, instead keeping his smile in place and doing his best to focus on hers. He couldn't bring himself to believe that it was anything more than a coincidence that everything Nunnally had done during the meeting had been exactly what would hurt him the most, but at the same time--

His head snapped up at the nurse's interruption, and brows immediately furrowing despite his best efforts to conceal his reaction to their impending separation, he glanced back to Nunnally just in time to catch her correcting her expression. He followed suit, determined to at least pretend that he felt better after hearing her promise while she was there. It was one of the only things left he could do.

"I will, and I hope so, too," he said, lightly kissing her forehead and giving her one last hug before making himself let her go. Their time together had been too short, but then if she stayed much longer-- "Goodbye, Natalie."

He never once took his eyes off of her as she was taken away, but the second she was out of sight enough time had passed that she was out of hearing range, he returned his elbows to his knees, leaned forward, and wept.

Edited 2009-08-21 19:27 (UTC)

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Day 43: Waiting Room/Lobby 2, Third Shift

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