Lelouch vi Britannia (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kingside) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
damned_institute2009-08-17 12:37 pm
kingside) wrote in damned_institute2009-08-17 12:37 pm
Entry tags:
Day 43: Waiting Room/Lobby 2, Third Shift
It would have been impossible not to see this coming, but after the night he'd had and seeing Euphy in the cafeteria-- hadn't the past twenty-four hours been enough? He couldn't do this anymore, not after seeing her walking around as if nothing had happened and knowing that Suzaku was going through a similar ordeal. His knight-- no, former knight now-- had been so transformed by her death, and having to behave now as if none of that had occurred had to be-- but it was out of Lelouch's hands now. Both of them were, and although he would have liked nothing more than to speak to her again or tell Suzaku why he couldn't tell him what had happened, he couldn't do that to either of them. It would be easier for them this way.
For him, however, the torment was just beginning. There was a wide variety of people the institute staff could have chosen from that would have a deep impact on him, but when the most obvious choice would have the worst-- he couldn't do this! He had spent almost all of his time here carefully shutting out thoughts of Nunnally after Suzaku had told him what would happen to her, but if he had to come face to face with her-- the walls were already beginning to crumble, and if it hadn't been for the fact that he knew his nurse would have grabbed and probably sedated him the instant he tried to bolt, he would have done so immediately.
As things were, he allowed himself to be led placidly through the Sun Room and the main hall, eyes downcast and shoulders beginning to quake ever so slightly with barely contained emotion. Nunnally-- he hadn't had a conversation with her-- a real conversation, not something rushed over the phone that hid more from her than he ever wanted and not something filled with lies and false reassurances, but a real conversation where he could ask how her day had been and lightly cradle her hand in his as she excitedly told him about the latest tidbit Sayoko had told her about Japanese culture or expressed worry about something in class she hadn't fully understood or sweetly smiled at him as she--
Lelouch shut his eyes tightly, barely hearing the nurse as she left him in the lobby to find a seat and somehow keep himself preoccupied while he waited and tried his hardest not to remember what the rest of his conversation with Suzaku had held that night. If he did...
Slowly, he began to walk over to one of the chairs, all but collapsing into it once he'd reached it and sagging forwards so that his elbows rested on his knees and only barely kept him seated upright. He didn't know how much more he could take, and if his visitor was Nunnally, then-- then what? He wasn't sure. And Nunnally-- what was he supposed to tell her? What could he even say? How could anyone expect him to talk to her now as if everything was normal when he had to-- when there was no way he could--
He stared down at the floor and waited, face blank. He would just have to get through this somehow, and after that-- he would deal with that later. He had to.
For him, however, the torment was just beginning. There was a wide variety of people the institute staff could have chosen from that would have a deep impact on him, but when the most obvious choice would have the worst-- he couldn't do this! He had spent almost all of his time here carefully shutting out thoughts of Nunnally after Suzaku had told him what would happen to her, but if he had to come face to face with her-- the walls were already beginning to crumble, and if it hadn't been for the fact that he knew his nurse would have grabbed and probably sedated him the instant he tried to bolt, he would have done so immediately.
As things were, he allowed himself to be led placidly through the Sun Room and the main hall, eyes downcast and shoulders beginning to quake ever so slightly with barely contained emotion. Nunnally-- he hadn't had a conversation with her-- a real conversation, not something rushed over the phone that hid more from her than he ever wanted and not something filled with lies and false reassurances, but a real conversation where he could ask how her day had been and lightly cradle her hand in his as she excitedly told him about the latest tidbit Sayoko had told her about Japanese culture or expressed worry about something in class she hadn't fully understood or sweetly smiled at him as she--
Lelouch shut his eyes tightly, barely hearing the nurse as she left him in the lobby to find a seat and somehow keep himself preoccupied while he waited and tried his hardest not to remember what the rest of his conversation with Suzaku had held that night. If he did...
Slowly, he began to walk over to one of the chairs, all but collapsing into it once he'd reached it and sagging forwards so that his elbows rested on his knees and only barely kept him seated upright. He didn't know how much more he could take, and if his visitor was Nunnally, then-- then what? He wasn't sure. And Nunnally-- what was he supposed to tell her? What could he even say? How could anyone expect him to talk to her now as if everything was normal when he had to-- when there was no way he could--
He stared down at the floor and waited, face blank. He would just have to get through this somehow, and after that-- he would deal with that later. He had to.
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He latched onto the change in subject before he could complete the thought, grateful at least for the fact that he wasn't expected to reply to what she'd said earlier. Hearing more about Shirley didn't help matters much, but as Milly's astounding ability to divert attention was apparently powerful enough to take effect when she wasn't around, he didn't need to think about it too much longer. "That's Mary, all right," he said, feeling reluctantly amused as he always did at Milly's few games that didn't involve him as the primary target. "Democracy has no place in a world where she's in charge." To say the least.
"Have you been doing well aside from that?" he went on to ask, concern coloring his tone. "How is school? Have you been keeping up with all of your assignments?" There probably was no real need to ask, but he wanted her to keep talking, and since he could hardly tell her about what he'd been up to during his time here, it was best to keep the conversation centered on her.
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The girl nodded at that next question. "I've been doing well, yes. School has been pretty busy the past few weeks, because exams are coming up, but I'm not too worried about them. I've been studying with some of the girls in my class after school, and I did really well on the last set of practice tests. I was close to the top of my class!" She beamed a little when she said that, flushing just a bit. It wasn't like her to brag usually, but...she'd been pushing herself a little harder than usual. She'd really wanted to have something to be a little proud of when she visited.
"So...are they taking good care of you here? Both of you," she added. "I know they say so, but..."
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So much for his "cheerful" mood. "I'm glad to hear that," he said a bit more quietly, his gaze drifting down to their linked hands. He was tempted to say that he wished he could have been there or that he would have liked to help her instead or even asked who these girls were that Nunnally had studied with so that he could perform a few thorough background checks, but-- "We should celebrate that when I get back, too," he continued, glancing back up to her face and smiling at the slight flush he saw. "I'm so proud of you, Natalie." He wanted to say more, but he was certain that if he did-- he just hoped she didn't notice the way his breath had caught, even if his now shaking hands would be impossible for her to miss.
"I'm--" He closed his eyes, struggling to remain silent as he fought back tears. No, no, no, not now, not while she was there and couldn't know-- he was her big brother, damn it, and he would not allow himself do this in front of her. He couldn't-- "They are," he said faintly, bowing his head and holding her hand a little tighter-- not enough to hurt her, he had more control than that, but tightly enough to remind himself that she was there and he couldn't-- not now, damn it!
After a lengthy pause, he took another deep breath (quietly, so she wouldn't hear), forced himself to loosen his grip, and looked up at her, a broken smile trying and failing to cover up what her closed eyes couldn't see. "I'm sorry, Natalie," he murmured, his voice just a bit stronger now that he had (sort of) regained his composure. She couldn't possibly be fooled by it, but he had to convince her that he would at least be all right in the future even if he wasn't now. "Yes, they're taking care of us. It's been a little difficult for both of us, but we're-- we're going to be okay."
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There was something off again, something sadder than what was being said. "Don't cry. It'll be all right. It'll be all right," she repeated softly. If she had been able to stand on her own, she would have, at that point; she wanted to hug him at times like this. There was something profoundly unfair about not being able to return as much affection - no, as much love - as she felt. It made her frown, and her own hands shook. "I promise it will be. You'll both be home safe and sound before you know it, right? And then we'll have that big party. It'll be a welcome-home party like the school hasn't ever seen before. I'll get everyone to help." The words flowed out faster than her usual, as if she was trying to comfort herself with the idea as much as she was trying to comfort her brother.
"And about that." She paused, taking a quiet breath. "If there's anything at all I can do," she murmured quietly, "just say the word. I'll always be here for you, no matter what happens. There's nothing in the world that would ever change that. Nothing," she said, voice shaking with the effort to keep steady. "I love you. You're the best big brother in the world, you know?"
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The constricted feeling in his chest worsened at her disheartened expression, and instantly abandoning the string of cranes so that he could gently pull her into a hug, he said, "Don't worry, Nu- Natalie. I'm not going to cry." Not while she was around, at least. He had upset her enough, and he only prayed that she had missed his near-slip so that he wouldn't have inadvertently done it again. "And it will be all right; I'll make it all right. That's another promise from me to to you, and I will do everything within my power to fulfill it." Had he been making the promise to anyone else, it might have sounded ominous, but since it was to Nunnally-- he just hoped it would be enough to reassure her.
The need to avoid upsetting her further was all that kept his control from slipping again at the rest of what she'd said, and doing his best to mend his smile even as he felt his heart break, he continued, "I love you, too, and knowing that you're there is enough. You don't have to do a single thing more." He would take care of the rest. As long as he didn't think--
"Even the 'best big brother in the world' doesn't deserve you as a sister," he added softly, hoping to coax another smile out of her. "I'm going to need to do better if I want to keep up."
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"Well...I won't stop thinking about you every day, and I won't stop smiling. Because you can't tell someone else to keep being strong and smiling if you don't do it yourself, right? That's my promise, from me to you." She slipped her hand free, linking her pinky finger with his. "Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye." When she let go, it was with a laugh. "So now I can't break that."
There was a light tap on her shoulder just then. "I'm sorry to cut you both short, because it looks like you're having so much fun, but it's time," the nurse said, looking a little sympathetic. 'Natalie' started to frown, but then remembered the promise she'd just made.
"I'll keep on doing my best, and I know that you will, too. I love you, Bren. And next time I'm here, I hope it's because we're getting to come and bring you home. So." She leaned in and kissed his cheek. "I'll see you again soon. I promise."
She waved as the nurse began wheeling her chair out and back down the hall.
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His head snapped up at the nurse's interruption, and brows immediately furrowing despite his best efforts to conceal his reaction to their impending separation, he glanced back to Nunnally just in time to catch her correcting her expression. He followed suit, determined to at least pretend that he felt better after hearing her promise while she was there. It was one of the only things left he could do.
"I will, and I hope so, too," he said, lightly kissing her forehead and giving her one last hug before making himself let her go. Their time together had been too short, but then if she stayed much longer-- "Goodbye, Natalie."
He never once took his eyes off of her as she was taken away, but the second she was out of sight enough time had passed that she was out of hearing range, he returned his elbows to his knees, leaned forward, and wept.