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damned_institute2009-09-20 11:43 am
thatdamnedninja.livejournal.com) wrote in damned_institute2009-09-20 11:43 am
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Day 44: breakfast
Yuffie had died.
No, really. Seriously. She had actually died. Bleeding all over the place, making a horrid, sticky mess and scaring the hell out of Suzaku; she remembered it clearly. Kind of. Sort of. Through the blood loss, the pain, and the visions. Through Aerith's voice whispering in her ear, Cloud's stricken eyes, and her own panic. As bad nights went, it had been Bad, capital B and all the trimmings, and oh, god. She sat, trembling on the edge of her bed, eyes closed and hands pressed hard over her racing heart. The by-play between Landel—Landel!—and Lydia barely even sunk in. There was nothing in the whole world, any world, that could prepare you for something like…
Had it all been some kind of hallucination?
Had she imagined the whole thing?
No… She didn't think so. Nightmarish or not, Yuffie knew reality. But if it had been real, how was she alive now? That kind of pain wasn't something you could just cook up, was it? She thought about it all the way to the cafeteria, drifting behind her nurse without focus or intent. Maybe if she tried to stay clinical, tried to step back… But she'd never been good at that when things got personal. And every time she closed her eyes or blinked, she swore that the scenes played back to her, like an overused commercial on a crappy channel on a crappy TV, in a run-down dump of an inn that smelled like mothballs and yesterday's breakfast.
The scent of blood and damp, rotted wood clogged her nose. Disgusted, Yuffie shoved her bowl of cereal—handed to her by a clucking Plucky—off to the side so that she could melt into her chair, palm heels scrubbing against her eyes. Too much. This was… Too much. She couldn't even paste a plastic smile on her face to make herself feel better. Her usual shield, the white noise of inane babble that could filter out almost any crisis, was in tatters all around her. Five minutes, she gave herself.
Five minutes (not) to think, five minutes to get her act together, because there was no way she could let herself shatter here. No way…
[Closed to Sheena]
No, really. Seriously. She had actually died. Bleeding all over the place, making a horrid, sticky mess and scaring the hell out of Suzaku; she remembered it clearly. Kind of. Sort of. Through the blood loss, the pain, and the visions. Through Aerith's voice whispering in her ear, Cloud's stricken eyes, and her own panic. As bad nights went, it had been Bad, capital B and all the trimmings, and oh, god. She sat, trembling on the edge of her bed, eyes closed and hands pressed hard over her racing heart. The by-play between Landel—Landel!—and Lydia barely even sunk in. There was nothing in the whole world, any world, that could prepare you for something like…
Had it all been some kind of hallucination?
Had she imagined the whole thing?
No… She didn't think so. Nightmarish or not, Yuffie knew reality. But if it had been real, how was she alive now? That kind of pain wasn't something you could just cook up, was it? She thought about it all the way to the cafeteria, drifting behind her nurse without focus or intent. Maybe if she tried to stay clinical, tried to step back… But she'd never been good at that when things got personal. And every time she closed her eyes or blinked, she swore that the scenes played back to her, like an overused commercial on a crappy channel on a crappy TV, in a run-down dump of an inn that smelled like mothballs and yesterday's breakfast.
The scent of blood and damp, rotted wood clogged her nose. Disgusted, Yuffie shoved her bowl of cereal—handed to her by a clucking Plucky—off to the side so that she could melt into her chair, palm heels scrubbing against her eyes. Too much. This was… Too much. She couldn't even paste a plastic smile on her face to make herself feel better. Her usual shield, the white noise of inane babble that could filter out almost any crisis, was in tatters all around her. Five minutes, she gave herself.
Five minutes (not) to think, five minutes to get her act together, because there was no way she could let herself shatter here. No way…
[Closed to Sheena]
no subject
The dead again, only personal. Something in their hearts made reality again.
Tsubaki couldn’t get the sight of her brother out of her mind as she’d seen him in the hospital hall. He’d looked… pained. Bloody and in pain, and what made it worse was not being able to feel that pulse of memory that lived inside her. Her brother’s soul weaved with her own. There was no counter to the ghastly look of him but what she knew was true--that he had shown her, at the last minute, that he had accepted the outcome as she had, giving his sword form up to her tranquilly. She’d killed him, but… not out of bitterness. And she hadn’t received bitterness from him in the end.
But she knew so little… And this place, it’d taken him, too! Everyone was left so desolated in the wake of whatever fight was happening between Landel and the other man, even those who had already been put to rest. It wasn’t right! To torture the memory of the fallen, or to torture those who were still alive, take them away from their homes and their loved ones, take these instances in their lives and pervert them… All for what? What was the point!? Tsubaki wanted to fight, but who was she fighting against? How could she help anyone? How could she put this… what she’d seen, felt, heard… behind her? Make sense of it? Accept it?
It hurt so much… she just wanted to stay there for a little longer…
The wish was a selfish one. She knew it when the bathroom door squeaked open, and Tsubaki was still unable to calm herself. The river of her emotions had always been quiet and steady, under spoken, but this sorrow poured out of her like a river flooded in the wake of a rainstorm. She pressed the back of her hand to her mouth, encouraging deep breaths in order to hush her sniffles. Even if she was the type to want the attention, she couldn’t cry forever.
At the eventual knock, Tsubaki swallowed, using both hands to wipe tears away, even as more fell. “It’s over now…” she assured in low tones, forcing her voice steady. It was all over now. She just needed… time. Moving on to push hair out of her way, the girl straightened. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to worry about me. I’m fine now.”
no subject
"I'm not going to try to force you to tell me anything, but if you need to talk, or just a shoulder to cry on, I'm here." She gave the girl a sad smile; maybe she was being a hypocrite, considering how often she put on smiles she didn't feel, but she wanted to help her if she could.
no subject
Brushing away another trail of wetness, she pulled the door opened fully and stepped out of her poor hiding spot. Perhaps it was just being on her feet or having someone with her, but she felt less like she was going to come apart at the seams if she didn’t get a moment to herself. “Really,” Tsubaki tried again. She smiled down at the girl in return, a faint, resigned expression that impressed the point.
Nothing was really okay, and there was no point in trying to deny how she‘d been caught, but she didn’t need to say that. Tsubaki believed she would be okay soon, and that was enough right then.
“With everything that goes on here, last night was… a little too much at once, that’s all.” She brought her arm up to clean her face more proactively. It wasn’t a lie. The Institute was tough any day with the staff, the nightshifts, the disappearances, the more violent episodes that kept on happening, but in Tsubaki’s case… there’d been her parents, her visitors… and her brother… The bodily pain of that phantom stab wound was really nothing in comparison to the rest of it. “Thank you, though. I didn’t want to be a bother, but being out there with the nurses…”
no subject
"If you don't feel like going back to your room, at least they sometimes pretend to give us privacy in here."
no subject
Every second, she felt more in control of herself. If she could just focus on something else, this person, a conversation… she could begin to tuck away the raw experiences of last night. She could deal with this, whether or not she could make sense of it. She could try her best and not upset anyone else by losing her cool. Slowing her torrent of tears into a trickle was a start.
Falling into the morning song and dance and felt like an impossible task, but once she got herself together to leave the bathroom… well, step by step. That was the key. Somehow the girl didn’t think the nurse would understand what her problem was if she asked to go lay down--the thought that the woman would assume Tsubaki was homesick after so short of visitor shift yesterday made her heart seize up--and Tsubaki wouldn’t ask, either way. Hypocritical to think now, having burst into tears after ducking into a bathroom, but there was no point to hiding out in her room.
This pain of hers didn’t make her special. It just made her another victim, and that had to be stopped. She couldn’t sit out.
A small sniff, a blink to clear her lashes, and then Tsubaki gave a larger, more sure smile. “I’ll head back out in a minute, I think. I should eat something, anyway.” In her own wordless way, she made it clear it was okay for the other girl to return to her own breakfast without waiting around for Tsubaki.
no subject
She smiled back at Tsubaki, but when she moved it was only to lean against the stall partition; she wasn't going anywhere until the girl got into the cafeteria found a friend to sit with. She was standing far enough back so she could be maneuvered around, but she still intended to stay with her until pretty much chased off. Friendly company, even if they were both being a little quiet, was better than being alone any day.
no subject
… that there would always be people willing to support others when they fell down was something worth holding on to, wasn’t it?
She thought of Black☆Star and what he would say, what he would do, and a fresh set of tears wanted to wash over her. If he was here as the Black☆Star that I know… But Tsubaki only stepped around the girl to head toward the sinks. “It’s not bad in that way,” she agreed, turning on the water so that she could clean her face up. She tried not to look in the mirror as she did so.
Although it could be equally uncharitable to push away someone who was simply trying to help, Tsubaki still felt like she needed to make that help unnecessary. What had her upset… what had hit her hard in those secret places in her heart… she couldn’t put that into words for a stranger and make them suffer along with her. Her family, especially, was a private pain. So as she splashed water and scrubbed away the evidence of her outburst, Tsubaki turned to address the girl while she dried. “It’s nice of you to stay. My name is Tsubaki.”
no subject
Even from here, they could hear the cafeteria just fine, and not at all to her surprise, someone was yelling loud enough to probably get sedated. That did happen at breakfast a lot. "I think I'm starting to dislike mornings even more now." She wasn't trying to coax Tsubaki into talking, just commiserating with her. "Compared to the intercom, I even miss my alarm clock ringing way too early in the morning. And the rush to get out the door if I hit the snooze alarm too many times; we should start some daytime clubs, or something, just to have something to do besides this place's usual."
no subject
Tsubaki was a little grateful the talk had moved away from what she’d been doing and why; it was easier to get her composure in order when Hokuto seemed happy to chat. As she patted down her face with some paper towels, she listened to the girl’s complaints.
Mornings were high-strung for a lot of reasons. The sudden switch from whatever had been happening at night--nothing good--to the constricted hospital life took its toll on people. Tsubaki couldn’t pretend she was any different; sometimes, especially that day, she just wanted to sit alone to try and deal, but Hokuto was also right, in that some kind of activity would help. Take people’s minds off of things. Let them funnel their emotions into something…
“Normal life seems far away…” It was another agreement, spoken lowly. When Tsubaki faced the girl again, she looked drastically improved, no trace of sorrow left on her. Like a sudden rainstorm now gone. “That’s a good idea, to get people involved,” she told Hokuto. Smiling too hard would be overkill, so let her subdued expression remain.