damned_institute | Night 43: F21-30 Hall

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Night 43: F21-30 Hall

[in F22]

Falis was sitting on Senna's bed, her back to the wall with the shinigami laying against her, when the weird intercom thingie went off. She looked up at the little box for a moment before frowning. What the fuck had that been? Damnit! Where was Dominikov when she needed him to figure shit like this out for her?

A sharp pain ran through the hunter's left arm accompanied by a searing heat she recognized from the night before. It seemed peoples' fears were going to be true this night. Taking a peak at the flesh underneath her bandage, Falis grimaced seeing the decay return and it work its way up to her shoulder. At least it stopped there, but she wasn't sure it'd stay stopped all night long.

Her eyes slid back to the sleeping shinigami. Falis licked her lips. Damn, she looked and smelled... No. She was not going to do this. She was stronger that whatever fucked up zombie sickness. Senna was important to the hunter. She may be Falis' prey, but not prey like this. Resisting the hunger that lay in her stomach, she idly combed her finger through Senna's hair as she rest her head back against the wall and waited for people to show up or for the shinigami to wake.

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She continued watching the other girl for a moment, working out the holes in Soma's sentences. Her hand remained loose on Soma's, unrelenting but unobtrusive, willing to give whatever was needed and back away if that was wanted. A twist of her lips, and Senna went for blunt instead of comfort, sliding up the scale in a smooth transition. She tilted her head. "Well," she started, voice offering condolences and straight-laced wisdom, unwanted as it might be.

"That's not true, is it? So it doesn't really matter in the end, right?" She brought a hand to her face, tugged at a strand of her bangs, trailing her fingers down. "This visitor thing. It's just another trick. Something to try to knock us down. Even if it's something great or awful, something we want or something that's not there. Even if it's the person, or we want it to be." She shrugged, a gesture that seemed almost hesitant. "It's just a trick. What's real is out there waiting for you."

She had switched from 'us' to 'you' without realizing, her subconscious almost certain in her own fate if she ventured from this place. Something real, waiting for her? The thought was unlikely. But Senna didn't notice the change, and in the scenario, it likely wouldn't be noticed. Senna, herself, watched Soma, something unsure in her eyes. She knew it was a trick, but she didn't know... If Soma was willing to believe it. She knew all too well the pull of a reality that was wanted, preferred to what was there. Want something enough, and the memories fill in, like you had always known. Like you had always lived.

Edited 2009-09-01 05:42 (UTC)

Blunt was what Soma needed most. If there was anything that stood a chance at getting through to her, it was the facts. But even now, she hesitated for a moment before replying.

"I know it isn't true," she said, and there was a hint of frustration that slipped through the dullness. "But they can revive the dead. It's happened to other people and other visitors. And..." here she hesitated again, doubt warring with sadness in her eyes, "...and if there's anyone whose family deserves a second chance, it's the lieutenant colonel."

It was easy enough to convince herself that it wasn't just about her own wishes now that she had got herself going. "That's a chance he'll never get in our world. It isn't selfish of me if I can change for him. For...all of them."

Senna blinked, the last bits of that secret softness leaving her expression. Frowning, she tapped Soma's wrist, a seemingly unconscious gesture. "But it's not real," she said plainly. "Everything they give us. It's all not real."

Which is why she was.... "Even if they do what you said, do you think for a minute that they'll be allowed to be happy? Allowed to have that second chance? They'll be in here, or they'll be used like puppets, but they won't be really living. They won't have anything but what this place dangles in front of them." Senna realized she was pushing it, and dropped her gaze, heated as it was. Who was she telling this to? Soma or herself? It was different, maybe. Was she fooling herself? She wanted a second chance, too, and she was fucking grateful for this place sometimes. Was it different? Or was it exactly the same?

She would never say, even if she knew. Not now. Not like this. Senna's eyes snapped back up, seemingly angry, but not at her friend. No. "So you want to help him, get out of here. There may not be that perfect second chance waiting for him, but there's something real, something you can try to help give him. It's not selfish to try and help him," she agreed, then just as quickly changed her tone. "But it's selfish to give up on the real him and the real you, and give in to this bullshit when you could be fighting."

Half-repentative for being so stern, Senna finished her thought. "You're a soldier, Soma. Don't change yourself when you've been trained to keep fighting. After all this, then...." Senna trailed off, as if knowing that her words might be a lie. "Maybe you can rest."

Nothing made sense. Was it really so bad if it wasn't real in the end, was it selfish if she took this false opportunity for herself? And Holly Smirnov--she had been dead for ten years. What did it matter if the life she lived now wasn't real? Wasn't it still a second chance for her, no matter how fake? Wasn't that enough? Wouldn't it be selfish to take that away from her?

Her world was at peace, but Teresa was right, the colonel was right, they were all right. That peace wouldn't last, and she didn't have the strength of will to abandon her place on the front lines. And this opportunity would never come again.

She didn't want to keep fighting.

"Why would I fight to escape a life we can never lead in our own world?" she asked, her voice growing quieter.

Senna dropped in tone and pitch as well. "Because it's not real," she stated. "Because they might not be real. Because the ones left might be still waiting for you."

She couldn't explain why she was fighting this so hard. Maybe, because all of her life, her two weeks of existence, one here, one there, all Senna wanted was something real. Some proof of salvation in the form of a grave, a house, someone she knew. Something that meant she had existed once, and that she had affected the world around her. She was for staying here... Because she existed here. Because she had found people here. Because it wasn't as bad as it could be. But she wouldn't play into their hands. Not once would she believe what they put in front of her. She couldn't. The people here needed to go home, where they were meant to be. Where they had people waiting. And even as Senna was, she would help them with all that she was. And she didn't know if she could explain that.

"Listen, okay," she said, still quiet. Her eyes had dropped to her hands, fidgeting together, one of which had retracted from Soma's arm. "I get wanting something that you can't have. This place offers a lot in place of what it's took, and a lot of people can't see that. It gives you a lot you could never have where you're from. A family, friends. A second chance." Senna tilted her head up at Soma, a half-smile touching her lips. "Like how the Living Dead Girls Club isn't just a clever name. I'm not judging your desires. But if you do have something waiting out there... It's a lot more than other people do. I would fight for it." With all that I am. If I could. "I would hold onto it."

Edited 2009-09-02 00:50 (UTC)

Soma looked down, pulling her own hands back into her lap. "There's no one left waiting for me," she said.

She wasn't going to say that she knew, in her heart, that Senna was right, because she didn't. One very large part of her was still unwilling to let go of the photograph in her drawer, the one of a family that had never existed and never would. One where there were no front lines to which they had to be recalled, where her father's face wasn't so deeply lined and he and his son could laugh in the same photograph without a trace of hesitation as her mother looked on, smiling fondly. One where she had a father and a mother.

But maybe that was all right. Maybe she didn't need to let go of that photograph, because maybe part of it was real and it was a part she could take back with her. She didn't know what they'd done to the lieutenant colonel this morning, but she was certain it had been him, as certain as anything. And yet--if it was him, what right did she have to assume she knew what he wanted?

She couldn't think straight. There was no clear answer here, and she hated that more than anything. "...what did they take from you?"

"They didn't take anything," Senna replied without thinking. Was that true? Now? "Just that..." She smiled a little, somewhat self-depreciating. "I like it here," was her whispered reply. "I'm alive here, and I exist. I have friends and people that care about me. So I do understand, Soma. It's just." That Soma might have what Senna had always wanted. "Don't give up on what you have unless you're sure it's gone. I... wish I could go back to where I came from. It's fun, and has a lot of great people. But I--" Don't exist there. Wasn't meant to exist. "Don't have that option anymore."

The girl stared at nothing, eyes focused and unfocused. "Ah, ahh. What's this?" She said suddenly, in a much lighter tone. "Hell, we're supposed to be enjoying ourselves and working out ways to take this place down. This downer shit's not cutting it." She smiled up at Soma, an apology in her eyes. Senna didn't want to touch on her own stuff--so who was she to make Soma touch on hers? Senna should do what she did best, and try to lighten the mood, take Soma's mind off of it instead of this. Was she being hypocritical? She didn't even know. Maybe... But, no. The differences of existing pulled too much at her. There were have and have nots, and she didn't want to think about it. She stood suddenly, mussing her hair.

At the same time, the door opened, and Senna grinned at the person who entered. And with new clothes again? Where did Hokuto get all these new clothes? Her smile widened, and she waved, holding up a finger to say hold on a sec. Then she looked back at Soma, calm like they had all the time in the world. She wanted to listen, if the girl wanted to talk. But she also understood needing to shove shit to the side sometimes. The grin softened as Senna tilted her head. "Wanna go see what they're doing?"

Soma hadn't thought herself selfish for wanting more from this life. Now she almost did. She hadn't considered what it might be like for someone who had died before they arrived here, and now that she had, she didn't know what to say.

"I haven't given up." Her voice shook a little at the beginning, but she did her best to make it firmer. When Senna put it that way, it was easy to say she'd never give up. After all, that wasn't the same thing as not wanting to fight anymore, was it? It wasn't the same thing as her home world, where fighting had been all she'd known.

But now Senna was talking about something else and Hokuto had arrived, and Soma squashed the confusion deep inside her out of pure instinct. She hadn't wanted to burden her friends here with her problems, but it had been a distraction from the gnawing hunger and the fact that she was in close quarters with so many people, so near and so...delicious.

She swallowed hard, attempting to lighten her face somewhat, and nodded silently.

Senna glanced back at Soma when she spoke, eyes wide and open like nothing had ever happened. "You'll make your choice," the girl said. "And it'll be the best choice for you. But don't give up." She grinned. "As long as you're fighting for something, I'm satisfied. I know you'll do your best." Senna stretched her arms up, clasping her wrists above her head. "I'll know you'll decide on what makes you happy."

The nod was somewhat forced, it seemed, but after a conversation like that, Senna didn't expect more. She nodded in return, only pausing to ask another question. "You thought those symptoms might come back tonight. Have they?" Like everything else, it was asked in a friendly manner, no judgment or discrimination.

Soma thought Senna had more faith in her than she honestly deserved, but she didn't say it out loud. Instead she just nodded, going quiet for a moment.

At Senna's question she froze, then looked down, taking a deep breath and regretting it instantly--it only flooded her nose with the scent of flesh, so tantalizingly close. "Yes," she said shortly, out of necessity rather than irritation.

Senna looked at Soma for a minute, then smiled, reaching over to her hand again. "Okay. I'll watch out for you." She shifted her feet slightly, looked off towards the others before looking back. "Sorry I was so harsh earlier. I just... want to make sure you're okay." She stuck out her tongue. "But I know that's not my job."

And with that, she pulled Soma's wrist once to pull her forward, then walked towards the others.

[back to here (http://community.livejournal.com/damned/700157.html?thread=58312957#t58312957)]

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Night 43: F21-30 Hall

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