damned_institute | Day 43: Arts & Crafts Room (4th Shift)

Entry tags:

Day 43: Arts & Crafts Room (4th Shift)

When Momo left Hitsugaya's side, she felt both relieved to be away from him and disappointed that the nurses had separated them. Either way, she felt like she was suffocating, that she had too much building in her mind with all this on top of the message she'd been given by the undead knight on that rooftop the night before. There was only one way for Momo to relieve the pressure.

After leaving a note on the board for Senna, Momo headed into the Arts & Crafts room. She was still in a lot of pain, but Hitsugaya's healing, though minor, did make it much less painful to hold things. Taking all of the special markers, she stood before the large white board and uncapped the lightest of the colors - yellow.

Save thyself.

Those words would echo in Momo's mind for a very long time. She had much to thank the knight for, the least of which was leaving her right arm relatively undamaged. She needed it for many things, being her primary hand, but right now she needed it for one thing.

Momo began to draw.

[reserved for Senna]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

They'd both had bad days? That was the best he could come up with? Lelouch resisted the urge to laugh, fully aware that if he started now, he wouldn't be able to stop. A "bad day" didn't even begin to cover it, and if Suzaku thought his misery could compare to that right now, he was even stupider than Lelouch had thought. It wasn't entirely fair to judge Suzaku in this way when he didn't possess all of the facts, of course, but when three of his most important people were involved in this fiasco, how could anyone expect Lelouch to stay rational?

"Maybe you should start," he spat bitterly, not meaning a word of it but just wanting Suzaku to stop. It had been hard enough dismissing him when he'd already been battling with the hope-- but it was better this way. He had to stop letting himself think that things could be mended between them, if only a little. They'd progressed enough without wanting-- he had to let Suzaku go.

The rest of what he'd said was much more difficult to think of a response to, especially since the idiot had sat himself down by now and obviously wasn't planning on going anywhere anytime soon. He always had to do precisely the opposite of what Lelouch wanted him to, didn't he? If only reverse psychology had any hope of working--

Stubbornly remaining standing, he reached forward and plucked the pink paper off of the table before Suzaku could get his hands on it, fully aware that that would draw his former friend's attention to it if he hadn't noticed it already. Lelouch didn't care, though, as long as he could just finish folding it and-- there was nothing more he could do for her, was there? "She isn't suited for this environment," he muttered at length, unable to bring himself to say what he should have said to put an end to this. He should have lied and told Suzaku that he was a failure, damn it, not tried to reassure him. He had to stop caring if any of this was going to work, but-- "I can at least arrange for my own protection, but the people here..."

He trailed off, staring down at the half-folded crane in his hands and trying not to picture Nunnally's in its place. A year apart and all he had been able to do was hold her hand, lie to her, and offer a few weak hugs. He couldn't-- not now. This was not the time to think of that, not when he'd only recently regained control of himself. Suzaku didn't need to see him lose his composure again, and especially not now when the issue of Euphy was as prominent between them as it had been before they'd forged their uneasy alliance. He would not make the mistake of showing weakness.

"There is only one person I would trust to look after her," he continued, tone firming somewhat. It was all a show, of course, but maybe this way-- he couldn't tell Suzaku everything and he couldn't lie outright to him again, but if he told him just enough to make his plan work-- "Besides, she would begin asking questions if her knight refused to stay by her side-- unless you think that I should be the one to take care of her?" He threw Suzaku a small smile then, not the sort he'd worn as his friend but precisely the one he imagined Suzaku would hate the most coming from Euphy's killer. The expression was softened by the fact that they were in a public location and anyone seen smiling like that would immediately be suspicious, not to mention because of the fact that he didn't want to cut Suzaku too deeply, but the message was there. There were so very many ways one could "take care" of Euphy after all.

Lelouch made less and less sense the more Suzaku probed. He supposed Lelouch was still talking about protecting Euphie to maintain the right order of events in their own world, but -- he was talking about protecting Euphie. The concept was the strangest thing Suzaku had heard in a while, which was saying something.

Of course, he had guessed at a lot of Lelouch's feelings when it came to Euphie. She was his sister, after all, and while he'd proved he was quite capable of killing his family members. . . Suzaku thought of what he'd learned of Lelouch's reaction to Shirley's death, what he'd seen in the World of C, what Lelouch had done on hearing about the F.L.E.I.A. Nowhere was it written that it had to be easy for Lelouch to do away with his victims. Not that that was any excuse, but after he'd seen Nunnally and probably had to lie to her, to pretend everything was fine the way Suzaku had with Euphie that morning -- or maybe this was all wishful thinking, and Lelouch was nothing more than the cold, manipulative bastard Suzaku had thought he was. Even considering the idea of compassion on Lelouch's part seemed almost laughable.

Especially when Lelouch was actually going to recognize that out loud, when he dared to joke about it, with that brazen smile -- Suzaku instinctively started to lunge forward, his face twisting. He managed to check himself, however, because he wasn't the same naive, impulsive idiot Lelouch remembered. His hand still gripped the edge of the table like a vice, but he was learning to control himself. And to react that way was just stupid now, when he knew -- maybe Lelouch meant it on some level, but he was probably just doing it to make a point. To play Suzaku as easily as he always had. Well, that wasn't going to work anymore.

"No, I don't," he replied coolly, or as coolly as he could. With a deep breath, he forced himself to release the tension in his body and sit back normally. He didn't want to draw the nurses' attention, but more important than that, he wanted to show Lelouch that his determination was true. "I never said I wasn't going to protect her. And how to do that is my problem. There's no reason for you to make it your business. If you want to order me to prioritize her safety when there's a choice, then do that, but you don't have to dismiss me." Which begged the question of whether he'd actually follow that order or not, and who he'd really choose if he had the choice, because he wasn't sure he could -- but that was the kind of thing he'd figure out when it came to that point. And it would be his decision.

Lelouch smiled just a little bit wider at Suzaku's response, not really finding it funny in the slightest but knowing that the knight had to expect it. After all, if he was capable of killing Euphy, one of the most gentle people the two of them had ever met, who knew what other depraved things he could do? Laughing about it was only natural.

He dropped his gaze again at the rest of what Suzaku said, though, again looking to the crane he held and wondering how he was supposed to deal with someone who was so-- so unfailingly stubborn and always seemed to want to contradict him. Protecting Euphy was fine, of course, as was deciding for himself how to do so, but why couldn't Suzaku just accept that he had been dismissed and protect her? He was making things far more complicated than they had to be (again), and Lelouch just wanted-- just once, if he could find some way to--

"I may not have had to, but I did," he said, trying to sound casual about it. Had it been at all possible, he would have preferred to keep Suzaku by his side and to find some way to keep Euphy safe along with his knight, but after everything that had happened, another loss on his part seemed inevitable by this point. The the least Lelouch could do was accomplish something productive with it, and the best way to do that was by taking this route. If he kept stealing away Euphy's knight and staying around the both of them when he had been responsible for everything that had destroyed them in their lives, he would only end up doing it again, and the last thing he wanted was to hurt either of them. He was hurting them now, he knew, but this was still better than the alternative.

"Do you need me to say it again, Suzaku? I can't say I'm fond of repetition, but if that's the only way you'll understand, I can indulge you. Anything to help an old friend." Using that now was as good an indication as any that he was running out of ideas to try and drive Suzaku away, but with so few options available to him-- damn it, he wasn't in the mood for this. Why couldn't Suzaku have chosen a different time to hunt him down? He'd wanted some time to himself, not another fight with the one person he had left in the world. Referring to Suzaku as even that much was debatable, but... no, it wasn't worth thinking about. Not anymore.

Edited 2009-08-26 08:24 (UTC)

Suzaku bit his lip to stop himself from -- he didn't know. Probably resorting to physical means to make Lelouch see sense. The fact was, there wasn't much he could say to that. He could argue he wanted, but Lelouch had dismissed him, and if that's what he really wanted there wasn't anything Suzaku could do about it. Lelouch was sorely mistaken if he thought Suzaku was going to give up without a fight, however.

"Say it as much as you want," he snapped. "Who said I had to listen?" It wasn't really true, because Lelouch had the authority here, but Suzaku had never held much regard for the chain of authority. He respected it when he could, but only so long as following his superiors was conducive to his own goals. The second the two paths came in conflict. . . Well, he wasn't called the Knight of Betrayal for nothing. And he could accept that. What was one more nail in the coffin?

(One more nail was more than plenty, he knew, but this was worth it.)

"This isn't like you," he finally said, trying to appeal to logic once more. "You're throwing away your best asset, for -- you can't have any good reason. Not one that outweighs the reason for our alliance in the first place." Because he couldn't do anything to stop Euphie's death. All he could do was change the world that had cruelly demanded it.

And that should be Lelouch's goal too, shouldn't it?! Or was he not as committed as he'd led Suzaku to believe? Or maybe -- maybe even not as capable? Suzaku had never wanted to doubt him on that front, but if he was going to continue to be so uncharacteristically stupid. . . "Lelouch. You have a responsibility." And if he had to explain that any further, he was just going to punch Lelouch, nurses or no nurses.

This time, Lelouch did laugh, if only for a moment and with most of his derision muted to avoid catching anyone else's interest. It was dangerous enough having this conversation here, but as long as they kept speaking in a (relative) undertone-- damn it, why was Suzaku being so persistent? Yes, their goals were important to them both, but for him to be this obstinate about it-- it wasn't like they could take Euphy back to their time with them, so why should who Suzaku served here matter?

"So you intend to force your service upon me?" Lelouch asked, still wearing that terrible smile. "And how exactly do you plan on carrying out that brilliant scheme? You cannot follow my orders if I have none for you, and you can't protect me while you're not in my company. The most you can do is decide for yourself how to 'serve' me, and that wouldn't make you my knight so much as an absolute pest.

"Besides what makes you think you're my 'best asset?' Have you become that arrogant?" He laughed again, softer this time but no less mocking. "You're not so important that I can't do this without you. Even you must realize that. I have enough resources at my disposal to make up for the loss, and my responsibility, as you say, will not be impacted by it." Lelouch wasn't nearly as certain of this as he sounded, but since he wasn't the one he needed to convince here-- no, he didn't even need to convince Suzaku. All he had to do was make him leave before this became too much and-- why wasn't he going already?! Hadn't Lelouch said enough? He didn't want to resort to-- but if that was the only way Suzaku would listen, he would do it. Hurting him like this was bad enough, but-- he just couldn't take this anymore.

Edited 2009-08-27 06:49 (UTC)

Suzaku's glare only intensified with every word Lelouch said. Did he have to sound so much like Zero? There wasn't anything that could make Suzaku want to serve him less, which only made him more furious with himself. He should be determined enough to press his case, whatever Lelouch's laugh sounded like, goddammit.

Not to mention that he was reminded of the other night, when Lelouch had slipped into that persona. That had been a test, one Suzaku had barely passed. And he had really thought he was beyond such anger now. Was it possible that Lelouch knew that, that he was twisting Suzaku's emotions to suit his own ends as easily as ever? It wasn't hard to believe, not when he'd told Suzaku himself that he'd been acting a part that night.

No, Suzaku wasn't going to be stupid enough to fall for it again. It was too late for that kind of thing. Unfortunately, there was the other matter of Lelouch being right, not that that had ever stopped Suzaku, either.

"It's too dangerous to use your other resources in these circumstances," he replied, his voice icy. "You should know that, with the way it turned out the last couple times." The Winchester incident had just been really bad luck, maybe, but what had happened with Porky could happen again. And in that case, Lelouch might be worse off than if he had never tried in the first place. "And without that, your assets are pretty slim, because there's no one else here you can trust."

No one Lelouch could trust to fight for him. No one he could trust to understand his true objectives. No one he could trust to accept who he really was. "At least let me continue protecting you," he said a bit desperately, composure starting to crack. He didn't know why having to make the request upset him so much. That was the only thing he really wanted, wasn't it? To make sure Lelouch got out of here safely, so he could fix the world they both had broken. Their particular relationship shouldn't matter so much, not so long as the goal stayed the same, but for some reason having to give it up. . . hurt.

The was the barest of flickers in Lelouch's expression at that word, trust, but it had been so faint and so brief that it would be nearly impossible to determine what it had meant. Of course Suzaku would have to use that against him, but-- why did it always have to come down to trust? Lelouch should never have admitted to-- but it had been so harmless earlier that day, when neither of them had known that Euphy was around. And with the rest of what Suzaku had said then-- perfectly ridiculous, to think that any of it had needed to be said at all, but he had always been like that, hadn't he? Even when they were--

"I don't need to trust people to be able to use them," he said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "You seem to be forgetting the following I've already gathered, and while it's true that there are certain things I can't trust them with, that won't matter anymore once we've escaped this place." He was honestly a little insulted that Suzaku seemed to think he was referring solely to his Geass when both his intellect and his talent at managing people were formidable enough on their own, but now wasn't the time to dwell on things like that. Suzaku could when fixating on that power had to be fueling his anger and willingness to leave like nothing else would, but....

No, there was one more thing, but after he'd brought up the issue of trust, Lelouch couldn't do it. Threatening Euphy (again) in order to provide more incentive for Suzaku to return to her would have been contradictory enough on its own; the added element of betrayal would have made it overkill. He had already promised to himself that he wouldn't do that, and although he might as well have broken that promise by now with how frequently he manipulated Suzaku, to do so to that extent and while using her against him-- he couldn't. It was almost funny how often he'd had that thought today.

He set the crane down, conscious of the fact that if he held on to it any longer, he might inadvertently crush it in his grip. It seemed like he would have to wait until the end of the shift to complete it anyway, so what was the point? "I neither need nor desire your protection, Suzaku. I should think that was obvious by now." Obvious in every way except in that it was a total lie, but if Suzaku was making that request at all, he had to have been fooled so far. Lelouch just wished he were able to lie to himself that easily. "It would best if you finally accepted that and stopped wasting both our time. You should know how precious it can be in this place."

Suzaku's spine stiffened. The implication there was that Lelouch used even the people he trusted, which Suzaku knew full well, and he was prepared to be used by Lelouch, but -- what right did he have to get resentful? He wanted Lelouch to use him; that was what this was all about. At least Lelouch hadn't denied that Suzaku was the only one here he could trust.

It didn't matter what Lelouch denied or didn't deny, though, because it looked like he was going to be ceaselessly stubborn about this. And there would come a point where even Suzaku couldn't press further. Even if Lelouch couldn't possibly feel -- but it didn't matter how Lelouch felt.

"No, that's just what you want to think," he muttered darkly, but even if it was true, there wasn't anything Suzaku could do to stop him from thinking it. It wasn't that he wanted to give up, it was just -- Lelouch did hold the authority here, and if he was going to be firm about it, antagonizing him would eventually be counterproductive. "And this is different; there's no mask to hide behind, and no way to secure even just your physical safety."

If it came down to nothing more than a battle of wills -- like it always did -- then the only thing left for him was just to show how he felt. That was all he could ever do when it came to Lelouch, at any rate, because logic and strategies always fell flat. He fixed his (former?) liege with a heavy stare, refusing to care that his protection wasn't desired. "Lelouch. . . you can't dismiss loyalty."

"You think I don't know that?" Now Lelouch definitely felt insulted, even if now honestly wasn't the time to let himself get distracted by such thoughtless comments. Protecting Euphy was more important, as was finally getting Suzaku to just go the hell away for once instead of staying and reminding Lelouch of everything he had to give up in order to keep her safe. This had dragged on for entirely too long already, but with still no end in sight...

Lelouch closed his eyes briefly, abandoning his previous line of thought and whatever he had been about to say next. That was it. Enough. He didn't care what the hell Suzaku said, how he felt, or why he was making such a fuss over what should have been a relatively simple matter, he just wanted this to stop. If he had to hurt him again to do it, then so be it. It wasn't like he didn't have enough practice being hated, and as long as it wasn't a betrayal...

"Loyalty means nothing to me without obedience," he said coldly, meeting Suzaku's stare with a harsh one of his own. This had been so much easier to do over the board. "How can I rely on you if you pick and choose which of my orders you'll follow? How can I trust you to uphold your end of the bargain if you can treat my word so lightly? You're useless to me as a knight if you don't obey my instructions. Even if I were interested in keeping you around, you would only be a hindrance with that attitude of yours. Either do as I say or get out of my sight." Both options led to the same outcome, of course, but even if Suzaku realized that, he also had to realize that taking the first would at least redeem him somewhat.

That was it, then. Lelouch had just come out and said it. Suzaku opened his mouth as if to say something, realized he had nothing to say, and shut it again. For some unknown reason (Suzaku chalked it up to lingering stress after talking to Euphie, and the tension of the entire day) his lip trembled the slightest bit, and he was forced to press his mouth into a thin, angry line.

It shouldn't make sense, because Lelouch had just said Suzaku hadn't done anything wrong, and it shouldn't sting, because Suzaku had never cared what people thought of his chronic lack of obedience. The problem was that this relationship was different, in that Suzaku wanted to prove himself as Lelouch's knight, not just for the practical purpose of their common goals. It was almost like. . . like being Euphie's knight, as much as Suzaku didn't want to admit it. But he could never fool himself into thinking Lelouch was nothing more than his commander.

It had become plain, however, that Lelouch simply wasn't satisfied with Suzaku as a knight, and thought he'd serve better as protection for Euphie. Not that Suzaku didn't want to protect Euphie everything he had, it was just -- it had been so hard to make the decision to continue serving Lelouch, and now he wasn't even allowed to do so. Because there couldn't be any arguing at this point. Not when Lelouch was right.

Suzaku stood up abruptly, pushing his chair in a little too roughly. He'd always been bad at recognizing a lost battle, and maybe he was a coward, but he couldn't take this anymore. Get out of my sight. . . It had only been a couple days ago that Suzaku had pledged himself to Lelouch, with something that resembled hope reigniting in both their eyes.

"Leaving --" you "-- your service is the last order I want to follow." He'd obey everything else, if -- at this rate he was going to bite through his tongue, so Suzaku turned to leave. "I'll protect her," he added, because Lelouch seemed to care so much for whatever reason. Not that Suzaku should even have to say that. How stupid was Lelouch, anyway? Before he could go down that black hole of a train of thought, Suzaku walked off, trying to preserve at least a little dignity by not punching a hole in the wall of the Arts and Crafts Room.

That had done it, then. He'd succeeded, and now-- now neither Suzaku nor Euphy would have anything to worry about that they shouldn't have been. He wouldn't have anything to worry about, because as long as Suzaku was looking after her-- it was better this way.

Lelouch remained impassive as Suzaku rose to his feet, ignoring the way his throat closed at the look on his face. That reaction-- probably meaningless, except in the sense that it confirmed that he had hurt him, but it wasn't like trying to analyze it would do either of them any good right now. Simply allowing Suzaku to take his leave was a far better option, even if-- but he couldn't let himself think that way anymore.

He said nothing in response to Suzaku's parting remarks, partially to enforce the impression of disdain but mostly because he couldn't bring himself to say anything that might hurt him even more. He had done more than enough to him already.

Lelouch quietly returned to his seat once Suzaku had gone, and once there, he picked up the discarded crane with shaking hands and finished folding it.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Day 43: Arts & Crafts Room (4th Shift)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject