damned_institute | Day 43: Arts & Crafts Room (4th Shift)

When Momo left Hitsugaya's side, she felt both relieved to be away from him and disappointed that the nurses had separated them. Either way, she felt like she was suffocating, that she had too much building in her mind with all this on top of the message she'd been given by the undead knight on that rooftop the night before. There was only one way for Momo to relieve the pressure.

After leaving a note on the board for Senna, Momo headed into the Arts & Crafts room. She was still in a lot of pain, but Hitsugaya's healing, though minor, did make it much less painful to hold things. Taking all of the special markers, she stood before the large white board and uncapped the lightest of the colors - yellow.

Save thyself.

Those words would echo in Momo's mind for a very long time. She had much to thank the knight for, the least of which was leaving her right arm relatively undamaged. She needed it for many things, being her primary hand, but right now she needed it for one thing.

Momo began to draw.

[reserved for Senna]

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Suzaku's spine stiffened. The implication there was that Lelouch used even the people he trusted, which Suzaku knew full well, and he was prepared to be used by Lelouch, but -- what right did he have to get resentful? He wanted Lelouch to use him; that was what this was all about. At least Lelouch hadn't denied that Suzaku was the only one here he could trust.

It didn't matter what Lelouch denied or didn't deny, though, because it looked like he was going to be ceaselessly stubborn about this. And there would come a point where even Suzaku couldn't press further. Even if Lelouch couldn't possibly feel -- but it didn't matter how Lelouch felt.

"No, that's just what you want to think," he muttered darkly, but even if it was true, there wasn't anything Suzaku could do to stop him from thinking it. It wasn't that he wanted to give up, it was just -- Lelouch did hold the authority here, and if he was going to be firm about it, antagonizing him would eventually be counterproductive. "And this is different; there's no mask to hide behind, and no way to secure even just your physical safety."

If it came down to nothing more than a battle of wills -- like it always did -- then the only thing left for him was just to show how he felt. That was all he could ever do when it came to Lelouch, at any rate, because logic and strategies always fell flat. He fixed his (former?) liege with a heavy stare, refusing to care that his protection wasn't desired. "Lelouch. . . you can't dismiss loyalty."

"You think I don't know that?" Now Lelouch definitely felt insulted, even if now honestly wasn't the time to let himself get distracted by such thoughtless comments. Protecting Euphy was more important, as was finally getting Suzaku to just go the hell away for once instead of staying and reminding Lelouch of everything he had to give up in order to keep her safe. This had dragged on for entirely too long already, but with still no end in sight...

Lelouch closed his eyes briefly, abandoning his previous line of thought and whatever he had been about to say next. That was it. Enough. He didn't care what the hell Suzaku said, how he felt, or why he was making such a fuss over what should have been a relatively simple matter, he just wanted this to stop. If he had to hurt him again to do it, then so be it. It wasn't like he didn't have enough practice being hated, and as long as it wasn't a betrayal...

"Loyalty means nothing to me without obedience," he said coldly, meeting Suzaku's stare with a harsh one of his own. This had been so much easier to do over the board. "How can I rely on you if you pick and choose which of my orders you'll follow? How can I trust you to uphold your end of the bargain if you can treat my word so lightly? You're useless to me as a knight if you don't obey my instructions. Even if I were interested in keeping you around, you would only be a hindrance with that attitude of yours. Either do as I say or get out of my sight." Both options led to the same outcome, of course, but even if Suzaku realized that, he also had to realize that taking the first would at least redeem him somewhat.

That was it, then. Lelouch had just come out and said it. Suzaku opened his mouth as if to say something, realized he had nothing to say, and shut it again. For some unknown reason (Suzaku chalked it up to lingering stress after talking to Euphie, and the tension of the entire day) his lip trembled the slightest bit, and he was forced to press his mouth into a thin, angry line.

It shouldn't make sense, because Lelouch had just said Suzaku hadn't done anything wrong, and it shouldn't sting, because Suzaku had never cared what people thought of his chronic lack of obedience. The problem was that this relationship was different, in that Suzaku wanted to prove himself as Lelouch's knight, not just for the practical purpose of their common goals. It was almost like. . . like being Euphie's knight, as much as Suzaku didn't want to admit it. But he could never fool himself into thinking Lelouch was nothing more than his commander.

It had become plain, however, that Lelouch simply wasn't satisfied with Suzaku as a knight, and thought he'd serve better as protection for Euphie. Not that Suzaku didn't want to protect Euphie everything he had, it was just -- it had been so hard to make the decision to continue serving Lelouch, and now he wasn't even allowed to do so. Because there couldn't be any arguing at this point. Not when Lelouch was right.

Suzaku stood up abruptly, pushing his chair in a little too roughly. He'd always been bad at recognizing a lost battle, and maybe he was a coward, but he couldn't take this anymore. Get out of my sight. . . It had only been a couple days ago that Suzaku had pledged himself to Lelouch, with something that resembled hope reigniting in both their eyes.

"Leaving --" you "-- your service is the last order I want to follow." He'd obey everything else, if -- at this rate he was going to bite through his tongue, so Suzaku turned to leave. "I'll protect her," he added, because Lelouch seemed to care so much for whatever reason. Not that Suzaku should even have to say that. How stupid was Lelouch, anyway? Before he could go down that black hole of a train of thought, Suzaku walked off, trying to preserve at least a little dignity by not punching a hole in the wall of the Arts and Crafts Room.

That had done it, then. He'd succeeded, and now-- now neither Suzaku nor Euphy would have anything to worry about that they shouldn't have been. He wouldn't have anything to worry about, because as long as Suzaku was looking after her-- it was better this way.

Lelouch remained impassive as Suzaku rose to his feet, ignoring the way his throat closed at the look on his face. That reaction-- probably meaningless, except in the sense that it confirmed that he had hurt him, but it wasn't like trying to analyze it would do either of them any good right now. Simply allowing Suzaku to take his leave was a far better option, even if-- but he couldn't let himself think that way anymore.

He said nothing in response to Suzaku's parting remarks, partially to enforce the impression of disdain but mostly because he couldn't bring himself to say anything that might hurt him even more. He had done more than enough to him already.

Lelouch quietly returned to his seat once Suzaku had gone, and once there, he picked up the discarded crane with shaking hands and finished folding it.

Day 43: Arts & Crafts Room (4th Shift)

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