damned_institute | Day 43: Courtyard, Third Shift

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Day 43: Courtyard, Third Shift

Once again, Endrance's nurse interfered with his plans. He had been planning to look around the Game Room, but the moment he began to move towards the Sun Room, she had taken him by the arm. "Your family has asked that we make sure you get as much fresh air and sunshine has possible, and you won't get that by staying inside playing video games all day."

He had thought for a moment about protesting, but decided against it. After all, if what had happened to Haseo was punishment for having spoken too strongly the day before, he didn't want to make that worse somehow. So, when given the choice of going out to the recreational field or the courtyard, he chose the latter.

There were a few reasons behind the decision, the most salient being that he wanted to see what the area looked like for a second time - this time without the threat of a brainwashed patient surprising him. The second reason was just as strong as the first, and it had to do with the presence of a second former Demon Palace Emperor. As energetic as she was normally in The World, he couldn't imagine Alkaid not wanting to spend some time outside.

Just as before, he sat down under a tree by the side of the pond, keeping one eye on the door.

[closed to Alkaid]

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Sen reminded him of Cecile, a little. That type of woman who was always willing to listen, even when he knew there was no one who could sympathize. What were the odds that he would run across someone like this, here of all places? Suzaku was almost tempted to take her up on her offer, to take it at face value and just enjoy pretending that someone cared.

But it was far too risky. If he started talking about what was really bothering him, the identities of N-1 and K-0 might become fairly obvious. And whether he was still Lelouch's knight or not, he couldn't allow that to happen. Not to mention that it might be even more dangerous for her to find out Lelouch had something to do with Euphie's death. No, even Suzaku wasn't so careless as to go around telling strangers about that kind of thing.

"I -- thank you," he mumbled. "Really, though, I wouldn't want to trouble you."

And yet -- she was so kind. Maybe there was something. . . Maybe she knew something that could help in this kind of situation. After all, from what Lelouch had said that first night, he gathered things like this had happened before -- Landel bringing the dead back to life. "Do you know -- I mean, have you, um. Have you ever. . . lost anyone?" It wasn't supposed to have come out that way. He hated sounding so needy, like he was actually asking for comfort and understanding, and from a stranger at that. He should be stronger than that, he shouldn't need to sound so selfish.

"It's not a trouble to me at all. I wouldn't have stopped, otherwise." While Lelouch had seemed controlled and standoffish, Suzaku seemed a little more - well, real. Honest, perhaps. Ayumu had to wonder what would make the two of them work together. Was it that they were from the same place and thus allied through necessity? Or had they been friends before, as well?

She kept her thoughts from her expression, of course, conveying only concern that wasn't entirely unfeigned. There really was something troubling the young man, that much was obvious to see, even if he was reluctant to speak of it. No surprise, really, given that she was a complete stranger to him, but sometimes just a simple act of kindness could open a person up to a stranger, especially in a perilous situation such as the one they were in.

At the question she hesitated as though surprised, with a soft catch of breath. "I have," she replied softly, lifting a hand to hesitantly rest against his arm, light enough that he could easily brush it off if he wished. "At home, where I'm from...it's a very dangerous time, and my family..."

Suzaku shook his head a little, unable to comprehend why she would go so far out of her way to be nice to him. Then again, he'd known people like that before. He knew he shouldn't trust her automatically, that there were a whole host of things that could go wrong if he told her too much, but -- it wasn't like he could talk to anyone else. Everyone he did trust -- that being two people -- were too involved with the situation themselves. (Of course, because they were the situation.) And sometimes a stranger was a better person to talk to than the people you knew.

He did stiffen when she touched his arm, however. It wasn't that he wasn't used to physical touch, it was just -- he wasn't so used to comfort. And it brought back memories of that morning, when Euphie had held his hand and looked at him with eyes filled with concern. But he couldn't allow himself to dwell on that.

"I understand," he said softly, so she wouldn't have to say any more. It wasn't fair to ask her to talk about painful things, just because he was upset. "I'm sorry."

There was a bit of an awkward pause, where he wasn't quite sure what to say to that, to acknowledge that she'd experienced violence and loss as well. He couldn't talk when it came to family, not when he was responsible for his own loss. Maybe he just -- he couldn't talk about it. "Um, I don't know if you. . . Have you heard of Landel -- bringing people here who have died?"

Noticing his reaction, Ayumu drew back again and shook her head a little. "No, I...I'm sorry, I wanted to see if I could help you, not make you feel bad for me." It was all right, her voice and gentle smile said - she'd dealt with it, and she was fine. The way she blinked rapidly for a second belied that silent claim, though, even if it didn't affect the concern she was showing for him.

As for bringing back the dead, though-- "I've heard people mention it before, that it's possible. I haven't met anyone myself who was...in that situation. I'm not sure what I would think, if I did." Was that what was upsetting him? He'd lost someone, and Landel had brought them back?

There were new people here again today, so it seemed logical enough. And there had been notes on the bulletin earlier, addressing both Lelouch and Suzaku, both signed with a name Ayumu hadn't heard before. It was something to keep in mind, at least.

"Ah, no," Suzaku said hastily. She shouldn't have to be sorry, not with how good she was being to a perfect stranger. "I shouldn't have made you bring it up. It was just --" Selfish. He cut himself off, looking down again. What the hell was he even doing, talking to a stranger about this? He'd never needed to do that before. After she'd died (the first time) he'd focused on nothing but his goals and born his pain in silence. Now more than ever he had a goal to push towards, so why was he falling back into this sort of confusion?

"I -- yeah, I don't know what to think either. I wish -- I saw someone very important to me today. I wish I could keep her alive somehow, like she is here." It was impossible. He couldn't, he knew that, and there was no point in running over the possibility in his mind again and again. He wasn't sure what point in time Euphie was from, but it didn't matter -- he couldn't change the course of time. Not with something like the fate of the world riding on the outcome. And now maybe he understood Lelouch even a little better. Too bad Lelouch wasn't willing to recognize that.

Ayumu only smiled and shook her head again, both acknowledgement of his concern and a dismissal. It was hers to worry about, not his, the gesture said, and she wasn't upset at him at all for bringing it up.

The topic, though, interested her. If it was true, as it likely was, that the mission she'd just been beginning in Kyoto had led to her death, then was Okita thinking something similar when he looked at her? Was that a part (however small) of his purpose in this place, as Homura was determined to save the woman he'd mentioned?

She folded her hands in her lap and looked up at the sky as she listened to Suzaku speak, a slight, thoughtful frown on her face. "It could be a most fortunate opportunity, to be able to see someone you'd once lost. To say the things you were never able to," she observed softly, watching him from the corner of her vision as she ostensibly stared up at the shifting clouds. "But at the same time devastating, to be reminded of what you did lose. And of how fleeting it would be, limited to your time here."

She sighed quietly, the sympathy returning to her voice in force. "I can see why you're upset, Suzaku-han. I'm...not sure if anything I say could make you feel any better." There was a brief pause, then she added, as though in an undertone just to herself, "What if there is a way? If they can manage it, and bring us here, I wonder if there's a way to save those we wish to, when we find the way to return."

Suzaku frowned to himself. It was true, what she was saying, that he should be thankful for the chance to see Euphie again once more. . . And yet, it seemed like the one time he did get to see her was the one time he wasn't prepared for it. He'd made a pact with himself, made a terrible choice, and was no longer anything like the Suzaku she knew. It was obvious from the very fact that he was actually able to consider abandoning her to her fate. And now -- he should be glad to see her again, but not when he wasn't worthy of enjoying her presence. Not when he couldn't look her in the eye. ". . . I suppose," he said faintly. "It's -- a mixed blessing."

He sighed. It was possible there was a way, speaking scientifically, but -- he couldn't believe he was thinking like this. For the last year of his life, he would have given anything to bring her back. But that was exactly the problem, wasn't it? He'd been so wrapped up in his grief and anger that he'd betrayed the world. Betrayed her ideals. It couldn't just be about him, not with the kind of life he'd led, not with all the sins he had to repent for.

"Maybe. But bringing someone back might interfere with the order of things back home. It might be better to -- to leave things as they were supposed to be." Not that Euphie was ever supposed to die, and not that Suzaku believed in fate. He just. . . knew that things might be even worse if he didn't accept events as they'd happened. That'd be almost as bad as what Lelouch's parents had tried to do, wouldn't it? If he clung to the past, he might not be giving the world a future. And Euphie wouldn't want that, no matter what.

What would it be like, to have someone you'd thought dead and gone suddenly appear in front of you again? Ayumu tried to imagine it for a moment, but silently laughed at herself and dismissed the thought. Being affected by something like that was something she couldn't afford; emotions were a liability in someone like her and she couldn't allow that weakness.

At least, not any more than she already had. But that was another matter and something she was trying not to think about, especially not today.

"It's very easy to say that, isn't it?" Ayumu glanced over at him again, inwardly wondering just what "order of things" he was speaking about. Had this person died in a way that affected something particularly significant, then? Just who were Suzaku and Lelouch? She gave him a small smile tinged with a hint of sadness. "Though if it actually was possible - if I had the opportunity to give someone important to me a second chance at life - I honestly don't know that I'd be able to say no. But..." She sighed a little, lifting one shoulder in a partial shrug, and fell silent again.

"No. . ." He looked up at her, eyes bright and determined. "It would be the hardest thing, but -- I have to. And. . ." How could he explain to her the turn his life had taken recently? How could he make someone understand what it was to give up everything of yourself, even your own morals? Not to mention that he didn't want to reveal too much about the state of affairs in their own world, before someone could guess what might have really happened on that island.

"And it's something I can do. If I have to," he finished simply. She probably wouldn't understand, but that was a lost cause. She was lucky if she couldn't understand, anyway.

"But of course, I know what you mean," he added quickly, with a faint hint of a smile. He didn't want her to think he was just unconcernedly trampling over her own emotions, nor did he want her to -- to what? Think he was a monster? He was a monster, and wanting to conceal that just made him cowardly. Nevertheless, it would be a lot easier to talk to her if he didn't deliberately antagonize or disturb her. There was no reason to go around being needlessly callous.

The determination she could see in his expression was nothing unfamiliar to Ayumu, yet she was still a little surprised to see it coming from him. Suzaku was becoming more and more intriguing the more she spoke to him, for reasons beyond her simple assignment. It wasn't entirely unlike speaking to any of the young men who'd wandered into her kitchen, back at home - the specifics of the situation may have been different, but the manner was still the same, or similar enough to make little difference.

"You're a very strong person, then, Suzaku-han," she replied, quietly. "To be able to maintain such control, that you could deny what you want in order to do what must be done." She hesitated, watching him thoughtfully for a moment, then gently asked, "But are you certain it truly does need to be that way? Have you talked to your friend about it at all?"

Suzaku's lips tightened. It wasn't that he was strong, he was just doing what he needed to do. He wasn't strong at all, he'd proven that time and time again.

"It --" Suzaku stopped, looking up at her sharply as soon as her words registered. "My friend? You mean. . . Lelouch?" That had to be who she meant, but it was a little disconcerting. Of course, anyone could see that they talked on the board a lot, but for someone who didn't even know him to pay enough attention to actually remember their names and that they were -- that they knew each other. . . Unless she'd met Lelouch, and he'd mentioned Suzaku? But Lelouch had never mentioned her.

There was probably no reason to be suspicious, but Suzaku couldn't help it. He already knew they had enemies among the patients, some of whom he'd never seen and who could easily operate by stealth. And even if -- even if he wasn't allowed to be Lelouch's knight anymore, he would make it his job to protect him until they could accomplish what they needed to accomplish.

Then again, there was no reason to treat her ungratefully without any proof. He wasn't going to be rude or insensitive to someone who was so kind to him, and it was probably nothing anyway. "We both feel that things need to be that way, sometimes," he finally said with a softer tone, albeit guardedly. And now he was watching her face a little more carefully, just on the off chance -- it was probably nothing.

"Lelouch?" Ayumu blinked, looking nothing but startled at that. She hadn't intended to bring him up at all, unless Suzaku had volunteered the information; after all, she couldn't make it obvious that she was interested in either one of them for any reason other than what she'd ostensibly stopped for. "Is that her? The one you saw today?"

Obviously it wasn't, but "Sen" didn't read the bulletin board unless looking for something in particular. She wouldn't know Lelouch as anything other than the young man she'd run into the day before while with Robin, even if she'd made the name connection.

Ayumu, however, was both intrigued and even more wary at this point. She'd noticed the interactions between the pair on the bulletin, and suspected that Suzaku felt particularly protective of his friend. Having his name invoked was likely to make Suzaku watch her more carefully now.

"Oh --" He blinked, surprised. She must have meant Euphie. He wondered why he had immediately assumed Lelouch; maybe because this was the very subject he wanted to talk about with the other boy himself. And so he had inadvertently revealed his connection to Lelouch, and that they had already had some discussion on the subject, one you wouldn't normally expect an average high schooler to encounter. Shit. Hopefully she wouldn't notice anything, not that it had been that big of a slip-up. On the other hand, at least he had no reason to be wary around her anymore. He didn't like the feeling.

"No, Lelouch is someone else I know. I thought you might have seen us talking on the board or something. No, I -- I haven't talked about that subject with her. The one I saw." He couldn't imagine why he would discuss her own death with her, but maybe the formerly dead people that appeared in the Institute were literally raised from the dead, and actually remembered their death. He didn't know what point in time Euphie was from, but she obviously didn't remember anything, and he had no intention of enlightening her. He just couldn't. "I don't think I should, though. I don't want to upset her."

That was better, but Ayumu still didn't relax at all. Not that she would, not out in public. "Oh. You talk on the board with him?" She glanced away again, looking mildly embarrassed. "I'm afraid I...I'm not very good at reading. I don't see many of the messages."

She would have argued the idea that he shouldn't speak to this woman, likely the "Euphemia" who'd left the notes (and what an odd name that was) given her own curiosity about the topic on which Okita refused to speak. But then, most people probably didn't view such things in the same way she did, so best not to mention anything about it.

"Mmm. I don't know the situation, of course, so maybe I shouldn't say anything." She absently toyed with the fabric at the hem of her coat, attention seemingly fixed on a dead leaf as it skittered along the path with a bit of breeze. "But if you care about her, and want to keep her safe...I hope you will be able to find a good solution, Suzaku-han. I don't like to see anyone looking so unhappy."

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Day 43: Courtyard, Third Shift

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