damned_institute | Day 43: Courtyard, Third Shift

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Day 43: Courtyard, Third Shift

Once again, Endrance's nurse interfered with his plans. He had been planning to look around the Game Room, but the moment he began to move towards the Sun Room, she had taken him by the arm. "Your family has asked that we make sure you get as much fresh air and sunshine has possible, and you won't get that by staying inside playing video games all day."

He had thought for a moment about protesting, but decided against it. After all, if what had happened to Haseo was punishment for having spoken too strongly the day before, he didn't want to make that worse somehow. So, when given the choice of going out to the recreational field or the courtyard, he chose the latter.

There were a few reasons behind the decision, the most salient being that he wanted to see what the area looked like for a second time - this time without the threat of a brainwashed patient surprising him. The second reason was just as strong as the first, and it had to do with the presence of a second former Demon Palace Emperor. As energetic as she was normally in The World, he couldn't imagine Alkaid not wanting to spend some time outside.

Just as before, he sat down under a tree by the side of the pond, keeping one eye on the door.

[closed to Alkaid]

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Suzaku frowned to himself. It was true, what she was saying, that he should be thankful for the chance to see Euphie again once more. . . And yet, it seemed like the one time he did get to see her was the one time he wasn't prepared for it. He'd made a pact with himself, made a terrible choice, and was no longer anything like the Suzaku she knew. It was obvious from the very fact that he was actually able to consider abandoning her to her fate. And now -- he should be glad to see her again, but not when he wasn't worthy of enjoying her presence. Not when he couldn't look her in the eye. ". . . I suppose," he said faintly. "It's -- a mixed blessing."

He sighed. It was possible there was a way, speaking scientifically, but -- he couldn't believe he was thinking like this. For the last year of his life, he would have given anything to bring her back. But that was exactly the problem, wasn't it? He'd been so wrapped up in his grief and anger that he'd betrayed the world. Betrayed her ideals. It couldn't just be about him, not with the kind of life he'd led, not with all the sins he had to repent for.

"Maybe. But bringing someone back might interfere with the order of things back home. It might be better to -- to leave things as they were supposed to be." Not that Euphie was ever supposed to die, and not that Suzaku believed in fate. He just. . . knew that things might be even worse if he didn't accept events as they'd happened. That'd be almost as bad as what Lelouch's parents had tried to do, wouldn't it? If he clung to the past, he might not be giving the world a future. And Euphie wouldn't want that, no matter what.

What would it be like, to have someone you'd thought dead and gone suddenly appear in front of you again? Ayumu tried to imagine it for a moment, but silently laughed at herself and dismissed the thought. Being affected by something like that was something she couldn't afford; emotions were a liability in someone like her and she couldn't allow that weakness.

At least, not any more than she already had. But that was another matter and something she was trying not to think about, especially not today.

"It's very easy to say that, isn't it?" Ayumu glanced over at him again, inwardly wondering just what "order of things" he was speaking about. Had this person died in a way that affected something particularly significant, then? Just who were Suzaku and Lelouch? She gave him a small smile tinged with a hint of sadness. "Though if it actually was possible - if I had the opportunity to give someone important to me a second chance at life - I honestly don't know that I'd be able to say no. But..." She sighed a little, lifting one shoulder in a partial shrug, and fell silent again.

"No. . ." He looked up at her, eyes bright and determined. "It would be the hardest thing, but -- I have to. And. . ." How could he explain to her the turn his life had taken recently? How could he make someone understand what it was to give up everything of yourself, even your own morals? Not to mention that he didn't want to reveal too much about the state of affairs in their own world, before someone could guess what might have really happened on that island.

"And it's something I can do. If I have to," he finished simply. She probably wouldn't understand, but that was a lost cause. She was lucky if she couldn't understand, anyway.

"But of course, I know what you mean," he added quickly, with a faint hint of a smile. He didn't want her to think he was just unconcernedly trampling over her own emotions, nor did he want her to -- to what? Think he was a monster? He was a monster, and wanting to conceal that just made him cowardly. Nevertheless, it would be a lot easier to talk to her if he didn't deliberately antagonize or disturb her. There was no reason to go around being needlessly callous.

The determination she could see in his expression was nothing unfamiliar to Ayumu, yet she was still a little surprised to see it coming from him. Suzaku was becoming more and more intriguing the more she spoke to him, for reasons beyond her simple assignment. It wasn't entirely unlike speaking to any of the young men who'd wandered into her kitchen, back at home - the specifics of the situation may have been different, but the manner was still the same, or similar enough to make little difference.

"You're a very strong person, then, Suzaku-han," she replied, quietly. "To be able to maintain such control, that you could deny what you want in order to do what must be done." She hesitated, watching him thoughtfully for a moment, then gently asked, "But are you certain it truly does need to be that way? Have you talked to your friend about it at all?"

Suzaku's lips tightened. It wasn't that he was strong, he was just doing what he needed to do. He wasn't strong at all, he'd proven that time and time again.

"It --" Suzaku stopped, looking up at her sharply as soon as her words registered. "My friend? You mean. . . Lelouch?" That had to be who she meant, but it was a little disconcerting. Of course, anyone could see that they talked on the board a lot, but for someone who didn't even know him to pay enough attention to actually remember their names and that they were -- that they knew each other. . . Unless she'd met Lelouch, and he'd mentioned Suzaku? But Lelouch had never mentioned her.

There was probably no reason to be suspicious, but Suzaku couldn't help it. He already knew they had enemies among the patients, some of whom he'd never seen and who could easily operate by stealth. And even if -- even if he wasn't allowed to be Lelouch's knight anymore, he would make it his job to protect him until they could accomplish what they needed to accomplish.

Then again, there was no reason to treat her ungratefully without any proof. He wasn't going to be rude or insensitive to someone who was so kind to him, and it was probably nothing anyway. "We both feel that things need to be that way, sometimes," he finally said with a softer tone, albeit guardedly. And now he was watching her face a little more carefully, just on the off chance -- it was probably nothing.

"Lelouch?" Ayumu blinked, looking nothing but startled at that. She hadn't intended to bring him up at all, unless Suzaku had volunteered the information; after all, she couldn't make it obvious that she was interested in either one of them for any reason other than what she'd ostensibly stopped for. "Is that her? The one you saw today?"

Obviously it wasn't, but "Sen" didn't read the bulletin board unless looking for something in particular. She wouldn't know Lelouch as anything other than the young man she'd run into the day before while with Robin, even if she'd made the name connection.

Ayumu, however, was both intrigued and even more wary at this point. She'd noticed the interactions between the pair on the bulletin, and suspected that Suzaku felt particularly protective of his friend. Having his name invoked was likely to make Suzaku watch her more carefully now.

"Oh --" He blinked, surprised. She must have meant Euphie. He wondered why he had immediately assumed Lelouch; maybe because this was the very subject he wanted to talk about with the other boy himself. And so he had inadvertently revealed his connection to Lelouch, and that they had already had some discussion on the subject, one you wouldn't normally expect an average high schooler to encounter. Shit. Hopefully she wouldn't notice anything, not that it had been that big of a slip-up. On the other hand, at least he had no reason to be wary around her anymore. He didn't like the feeling.

"No, Lelouch is someone else I know. I thought you might have seen us talking on the board or something. No, I -- I haven't talked about that subject with her. The one I saw." He couldn't imagine why he would discuss her own death with her, but maybe the formerly dead people that appeared in the Institute were literally raised from the dead, and actually remembered their death. He didn't know what point in time Euphie was from, but she obviously didn't remember anything, and he had no intention of enlightening her. He just couldn't. "I don't think I should, though. I don't want to upset her."

That was better, but Ayumu still didn't relax at all. Not that she would, not out in public. "Oh. You talk on the board with him?" She glanced away again, looking mildly embarrassed. "I'm afraid I...I'm not very good at reading. I don't see many of the messages."

She would have argued the idea that he shouldn't speak to this woman, likely the "Euphemia" who'd left the notes (and what an odd name that was) given her own curiosity about the topic on which Okita refused to speak. But then, most people probably didn't view such things in the same way she did, so best not to mention anything about it.

"Mmm. I don't know the situation, of course, so maybe I shouldn't say anything." She absently toyed with the fabric at the hem of her coat, attention seemingly fixed on a dead leaf as it skittered along the path with a bit of breeze. "But if you care about her, and want to keep her safe...I hope you will be able to find a good solution, Suzaku-han. I don't like to see anyone looking so unhappy."

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Day 43: Courtyard, Third Shift

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