http://captain-hunam.livejournal.com/ ([identity profile] captain-hunam.livejournal.com) wrote in [community profile] damned_institute2008-10-28 11:57 am

Nightshift 36: M31-40

[M39]

Dinner finished, Zelnick grabbed his flashlight and settled down with his journal and a pen, fully intending to catch up on taking down notes-- and finding himself too distracted to do more than scribble out vague doodles in the margins, occasionally jotting down a word or two before becoming distracted again.

Well, supposedly, allies would come by and distract him. And until then, it wouldn't hurt to try and sketch out Talana's smile from memory, the way her eyes should flash, the curl of her hair...

Re: Inside M39

[identity profile] wantsyourzex.livejournal.com 2008-11-06 07:19 am (UTC)(link)
This had to be real, it had to be... he felt real, and his voice was just as he remembered, and he looked just as he was supposed to...

Could he have really done something like that to him, to himself? Could he have really caused his imprisonment here, and constructed an elaborate fantasy to escape it all? Lying to himself... he'd sworn he would never lie to himself...

His human said he'd watched him die...

ZEX looked down, troubled and trying to sort through the difficult problem in front of him... he'd thought seeing his Captain might help him decide one way or the other, and instead it only amplified his doubt.

He thought, tried to think of an eloquent way to sum up his dilemma, and only a few words escaped him. It was barely a whisper, and ZEX was staring at nothing while he said it.

"Who am I?"

Re: Inside M39

[identity profile] wantsyourzex.livejournal.com 2008-11-06 10:17 am (UTC)(link)
That was what he thought he'd say... what he should say. He wanted that to cement things into reality, to be the answer he was looking for, to accept it as he normally would have but that gnawing uncertainty refused to die. Sharing delusions, were they lying to him or was he lying to himself, he just wanted to know, to know for sure.

His body grey tense as he struggled to find the surface again, that sinking drowning feeling still pulling at him, shivering and he looked to his Captain with both eyes. There had to be an answer.

ZEX's voice was thick and broke several times, clearly approaching his emotional limit. His eyes stung as he got out the words, a mix between desperation and what could have been a challenge. "Can you prove it?"

Re: Inside M39

[identity profile] wantsyourzex.livejournal.com 2008-11-06 10:50 am (UTC)(link)
He knew the answer before he heard it, but he was somehow hoping for another... that there could be proof, some kind of confirmation and the feeling of sinking further, he hated feeling this way.

A joint feeling of desperation and hopelessness... maybe there was no way out of this, no easy answer. He wasn't sure if he'd been expecting one, the more he thought of it, just hoping for one... and even then, with a measure of realism. Not expecting a miracle, he knew better but... things couldn't be how DAX described, he could not be that person... he did not want to be that person.

His human was touching him, his hair, and it was almost painful in a way. What were they to each other, really? How could he not know? ZEX's eyes were stinging sharply.

His voice was thick and shaky, still shivering. "You saw me die, didn't you?" Why would you do that to me?

Re: Inside M39

[identity profile] wantsyourzex.livejournal.com 2008-11-06 11:26 am (UTC)(link)
ZEX still looked wounded somewhat, hurt, even though he wasn't aware of how much of that showed on his face. The thought of it all being a lie was so painful, but the thought of willingly believing a fantasy instead of facing reality, he could not do that.

His human thought he was dead, ZEX had had to convince him of his identity at first, that he was who he said he was. Had he simply altered his human's delusions, persuaded him to incorporate him back in again? He felt like he was choking.

ZEX was willing to hold on to him in return, get some warmth from him, although it didn't put any of his troubled thoughts to rest. It was still difficult to speak.

"I... had a visitor today." ZEX paused, again struggling for words. He leaned closer to him, his voice a weak whisper. "I'm... worried."

Re: Inside M39

[identity profile] wantsyourzex.livejournal.com 2008-11-06 12:06 pm (UTC)(link)
It would be nice if it was that simple.

It was so nice to be touched. ZEX leaned against him, trying to get as much contact between them as possible. To fit against his body. If nothing else, he'd always like being touched. He sighed, his throat tight and still struggling.

"Look at me, Captain," ZEX said weakly. "I am human... what proof is there that I was anything different, aside from my believing it to be true? What proof do I have that I ever inhabited a body other than this one?" Pain running clear through his voice. "I have nothing, nothing more tangible than belief... I had to prove my identity to you when you came here, since you watched me die." His voice cracked for a moment, and he shuddered, agonized. "How do you know I wasn't lying to you then? That I'm not lying to you now?"

Strained and breaking. "Where is any proof?"

Re: Inside M39

[identity profile] wantsyourzex.livejournal.com 2008-11-06 09:54 pm (UTC)(link)
ZEX blinked when tapped, unconsciously, and he would have been happy just to accept what his Captain was saying, let it go and touch and stroke his human instead.

But it did not help him to want to believe something. If they both believed in the same delusion, it was meaningless... and the conversation still hadn't settled it one way or the other for him. He could not be trapped in between.

ZEX sighed softly at his words. His human was so kind to him, clearly cared deeply for him (such a wonderful feeling, even in the midst of all this), even used his name... could he, could Max have hurt him that way? The two of them broken by his actions, now starting again in a safer, shared delusion like it had never happened... Every time the thought brought up that sick feeling again.

"Are you sure you need me?" ZEX spoke softly. "Cal... Captain... what if I'm the reason that you're here?"

identity crises are no fun O<

[identity profile] wantsyourzex.livejournal.com 2008-11-06 10:52 pm (UTC)(link)
"I wouldn't leave you here." ZEX closed his eyes, thinking back to his conversation with DAX. One thing that he refused to relent on... if there was nothing else, at least that he knew for sure. The human Captain was his. "It'd be very irresponsible of me." And he wasn't irresponsible.

At least, he did not believe that he was.

ZEX sighed again, a hand raising to cover his eye, then he seemed to catch himself and force it away. He blinked and tried to force everything to mesh back together, to stop seeing double. "Max... I..." He paused for a second to try and compose himself. "He did. He told me you don't remember what I did to you. What happened." ZEX paused again, strained. "At least... consciously."

O<

[identity profile] wantsyourzex.livejournal.com 2008-11-07 02:11 am (UTC)(link)
"Are you sure?" ZEX said, somewhat distantly. "It's strange, how it all matches... alternate lives running in parallel to one another, justifying each other..."

ZEX gestured for a moment, and then stopped to stare intently at his hand. Human hands... human skin, all of it, it didn't change. Why didn't it change-

"I once tried to kidnap you, as you put it, didn't I?" ZEX had a distinctly haunted expression, and he had a somewhat distant tone in his voice. Still speaking faintly. "Something you still hold against me, don't you...? Wouldn't it be strange, had you escaped and Caleb had not? You escaped, watch me be torn to shreds... what happened to Caleb, do you think?"

His voice faded, nearly speaking to himself, still distant. "Not the delusions themselves, but the reasons that one would believe them..."

if only i had my tentacles, then things would be different O<

[identity profile] wantsyourzex.livejournal.com 2008-11-07 03:12 am (UTC)(link)
"DAX..." Thinking about him was so difficult... DAX had always been loyal to him. To think of him working for this place... it had to be impossible. ZEX hesitantly shook his head, instinctually afraid to move further, then again caught himself. He shook his head with more force, trying to ignore the shivers of fear it sent through him. If he was human it didn't matter. "He was human, just as I am now... his voice..." ZEX shuddered and slumped against his human, holding on to him tightly. He wasn't sure if he'd even understand the significance of it. "His voice..."

ZEX buried his face against his human's neck, and he wished more than anything to have his body back again. That was something that couldn't be easily explained away. He was shaking. "Are you sure you're not him?" He was trying to keep his voice calm throughout the whole ordeal, look at things logically, try and find an answer, and now desperation bled through his voice. "How do you know? How can you be sure? I'm- I'm in this body, human and he knew me, DAX-, a whole pathetic life of cowardice that Max escaped by going mad, becoming someone better, pretending to be a genius because- I cannot lie to myself, I cannot do that, I swore..."

He'd been struggling very hard to keep his thoughts in an orderly line, confront the problem in a rational way, try to avoid that drowning choking feeling by thinking clearly, and still he sank deeper and he was beginning to panic. ZEX grasped desperately at the shreds of pride he had left and forced himself to stop speaking, instead holding onto his Captain as tightly as he possibly could. He had to calm down.

actually if he gets his uniform back that'll be very helpful O3

[identity profile] wantsyourzex.livejournal.com 2008-11-07 07:31 am (UTC)(link)
"Yes, he was my Sub-commander... he was always very loyal to me." ZEX sighed at the thought of him, the particular lilt in his voice and turn of phrase that marked him as decidedly him. "He would not lie to me, but I know it was him, even if he was human... his voice, he spoke just like him, with that particular regional dialect he had, with tinges from living on Cerenkov and being near me for so..." ZEX paused for a second, still drained. "For us, language is extremely important, it's highly individualized to each of us. I'm not sure if humans have an equivalent... I know it was his voice..." ZEX shook his head again, pained. "If it had been anyone else, if he hadn't sounded right, if it didn't add up the way that it does, I wouldn't feel this way, I'm sure of it..."

He gave a shaky sigh at being touched, his hair was so sensitive. How he loved how that felt. "You've always been human... it must be easier for you to know." A teacher... he could see that. "This body, to be changed to this form is impossible, and if I was never changed to begin with, then... I just want... I want to know, for sure... " He wanted to go home, he wanted things to go back to normal, but that seemed too weak a thing to say out loud, and he'd already lapsed too much already.

"If he believed himself to be someone else, who knows what he could do..." ZEX mumbled, miserable, although his thoughts were quickly derailed. Puzzled and blinking, he of course didn't resist being pulled closer to him, or sitting on his lap either, although he hadn't quite expected it. Being held really did bring up warmth and affection, which he was glad to cling to rather than that suffocating helpless feeling.

He stayed close to him, rested his head on his shoulder and closed his eyes, letting out a shuddering breath. "I'm so tired of this... an identity crisis once a lifetime is more than enough." ZEX kept his arms around him. "I'm getting too old for this kind of stress anymore..."

if only ZEX had gone to get a sweater tonight

[identity profile] wantsyourzex.livejournal.com 2008-11-08 02:18 am (UTC)(link)
"Remember things that never happened..." ZEX mumbled. "That's the problem... I'm not sure which is which anymore. If I had my body, if I wasn't trapped this way, it'd be easier, but as it is... it all could be a lie. I cannot live a lie."

ZEX sighed. Accepting impossibility didn't provide answers... it just ignored the problem. He disliked having things defy explanation... it made them unreal, which didn't help him determine reality from fantasy. "Impossible things are impossible... defying explanation only makes one doubt your own perceptions. If you're seeing impossible things, who's to say you don't believe impossible memories, convincing yourself they're just as real..."

ZEX just felt drained, which was definitely preferable to his earlier mood. If nothing else, sitting with his human was muffling his emotions down to a managable degree, which he definitely appreciated. He hated appearing so vulnerable, much less in front of a human... it hardly suited someone of his stature. Even if a normal VUX might have crumbled under the pressure here already, ZEX knew he was better than that.

"This isn't a problem I can ignore... if I have been lying to myself, if this all was a delusion, I have an obligation to myself, to my character to accept reality. If I drove you mad and sentenced you here, and hid behind fantasies of capability to escape responsibility for it, I have to stop." Although, DAX had said that if he did leave here, he could not see his human again... that it would be too dangerous. He could not lie to himself... but he could not leave his Captain behind, or abandon him somewhere. None of his problems had a clear solution. ZEX sighed and ran a hand along his Captain's side. "If we're simply illusions, we may not know each other at all. Everything we've done together may have been meaningless..."

His cunning plan has been discovered!

[identity profile] wantsyourzex.livejournal.com 2008-11-08 06:04 am (UTC)(link)
"Hmm..." ZEX closed his eyes. He wished his injury had been a delusion, since it had been completely humiliating, but he still had the marks to prove it. "DAX didn't believe me when I told him what happened. He said... I did it to myself, going through withdrawal from some kind of hallucinogen, or something of that nature anyway. I'm not sure if that's worse than what actually happened or not." He sighed, still tired and struggling for a clear answer. "I had no proof for him except my word, my memories... it makes one wonder. If we're mad, who's to say our word is to be trusted... and if we were mad, would we even know?"

ZEX sighed again when his human leaned in closer to him. Maybe this was a battle he should have waged on his own... he didn't like putting so much pressure on someone else to solve his problems, particularly when they had no easy answer. But still... "Our delusions diverge on several key details... I'm dead in yours, aren't I?" You killed me came to mind, but he decided not to say that in so many words. He'd never understood why his human believed he saw him die beforehand... he was obviously alive. This gave a motive for it that was hard to ignore. "You struck a possibly fatal blow against the Ur-Quan, something I thought impossible, in a noble and heroic quest to save our sector from enslavement... do you wonder, sometimes, if it seems too perfect for you? Where our delusions split apart, where I die and you live, you've merely expanded on your own without me?" ZEX paused, and he sighed again, leaning against him with a barely noticable shudder. "But then again, I don't think Caleb would want to escape his life as much as Max would. What DAX described sounded so unpleasant... I don't blame him for trying to run."

ZEX waited for a few seconds, then pulled away from him a little to sit up straight. He blinked again, trying to make the world focus as usual, hand starting for his eye before he forced it away. "Hmm... I shouldn't be dragging you into my problems. This kind of thing is just... difficult for me. When I was young, I had to learn to accept myself for who I was, despite everyone I knew telling me I was perverted, damaged, mentally ill. All of that." A somewhat pathetic attempt at a weak smile. "I told you before, about our therapists. I withstood their threats and attempts to 'realign' me because I knew who I was, and that what I wanted was natural. As long as I knew that, they had no influence over me."

A pause, and he looked down. "It's... self-doubt is not a good feeling for me. It brings back memories I'd rather forget."

we'll have to see how the night goes~

[identity profile] wantsyourzex.livejournal.com 2008-11-09 05:46 am (UTC)(link)
"I don't know much about human narcotics... I wasn't in a position to argue with him. Or at least, I didn't have any proof for my position..." ZEX sighed. "I do hope you're right..." It still didn't explain everything...

"I suppose my own life has its inconsistencies as well." ZEX tried to return the smile, although it was still weak. "One would think if it was to be my ideal life, I wouldn't have imagined myself being exiled and alone for twenty years, waiting for you." His smile strengthened a little. "I would have had you immediately."

A pause where he thought for a few moments, and he sobered again. "Although, if things did indeed go as DAX described... then you wouldn't have left your life by choice. It would have been my fault... dragging Caleb from his happy life to be here, with me." A moment of self-awareness, and he reached out to touch his human's face. ZEX spoke softly. "I suppose, in a way, that's not so different from what really happened, is it..."

He wasn't sure what answers he had expected from his human... he still didn't have much evidence one way or the other, and the question of whether or not this was all a lie still nagged at him. When his human raised his hand to cover his eye for him, snapping the world back into focus and into one human, one person, he remembered the one thing that he refused to question when speaking with DAX. Even if he really was this Max person, he could not leave here... not without his Captain with him. That was something constant between both identities, the importance of his human to him, and that he could focus on. Until he had more answers, more solid proof, he could focus on something that he knew.

His human's hand on his skin made it easier to think of him, rather than the crisis that faced him, and in consequence it lifted his spirits somewhat. ZEX tried to return his human's smile, still touching his face with one hand. "You know, DAX told me that if I was ever to leave here, be Max again like he asks, I would never be able to see you again. You would... 'press charges', whatever that means, against me. It would be too dangerous. I told him you wouldn't do something like that to me..." ZEX leaned in closer to him. "But even if you did, I wouldn't care. I won't let you get away from me, no matter what happens. I've waited too long to have you, and I'd rather die than let you go."

And whether he was Max or ZEX, that wouldn't change.