damned_institute | Day 36: Waiting Room/Lobby 2

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Day 36: Waiting Room/Lobby 2

Okita hadn't been expecting it when his nurse suddenly appeared in the Game Room. He'd expected to be left alone like last week, but instead she gently took him by the arm and told him he needed to say goodbye to Kaden for now. Okita assumed it was time for his visitor and waved goodbye to him, only to be led off himself. The swordsman had followed obediently into the Sun Room, but when he tried to go off to another room, she stopped him. "Not today, Julian."

Not today? Something about his nurse's demeanor seemed off, almost as if she were worried about something. It wasn't until she led him out of the Sun Room that he understood what was going on. He had a visitor. There were only so many people that would come to visit him in a place like this. His sisters, Tetsu, Kondou or... Okita didn't want to think about the last option.

Taking a step into the waiting room, he stopped at the door and turned to look at his nurse. "Are you sure you're not mistaken?" he asked, feeling actual fear for the first time in a long while. If this wasn't some strange punishment/joke for behaving poorly in the chapel, he didn't know what to do. Badou's graffiti was still on his hand and he quickly slipped that hand into his pocket. He could feel the pen there, clipped to the inside of his waistband. The nurse shook her head and moved to the side of the room, keeping a close watch on him as he stayed by the door, trying to hide his anxiety by feigning interest in the strange magazines on a table nearby.

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"Sir, you're not making any sense." Reaching out, Dexter tugged Max's pant leg back down where it belonged, covered the old wound. "You did that to yourself, while you were in withdrawal from all the drugs you took." It hadn't been pretty; Dexter supposed he wasn't surprised that Max apparently forgotten about it as well.

"I told you, it's not safe for you to have contact with Mr. Stern," he said impatiently. "His girlfriend is already making things difficult enough; I understand she even took her story to the vice principal of the school where he used to teach. And if Caleb were to ever recover his real memories of you, he'd most likely try to press charges. I doubt even Madame could keep it hushed up if that happened."

"I certainly did not." On this ZEX felt relatively certain. "It happened here, in this place, five... I think it was five days ago now. I was going to my Captain's room, and this thing attacked me..."

He hardly wanted to think of his inadequacies back then now, as unhappy as he was, and it wasn't like DAX would know if he was fudging the truth just slightly. "It caught me by surprise and bit me, twice, but I warded it off eventually. My Captain assisted me a little, but it happened, I'm sure of it. You can ask..."

Who? The Captain, who was supposedly also insane? The staff, who all denied such things ever took place? He had no reliable witnesses, no proof other than the wound and his word. That should have been enough, and yet somehow it... wasn't.

"You don't believe me, do you?" ZEX gave him a pained look. "I swear, it happened right here, I remember it..." That cursed trap again. Remember. How much did he or didn't he remember, and did it have any bearing on what was actually reality? He knew this was true... it shouldn't have been so difficult to prove. "I..."

That suffocating feeling again. For a moment he thought he had a chance, he had something to convince DAX to be on his side again, and it ended up as impotent a defense as his others. How he loathed being defenseless!

But there was still something else to think about. ZEX blinked at DAX curiously. "'Girlfriend'? What do you mean?"

"Sir, you're in a hospital," Dexter said in exasperation. "Other than possibly the other patients, what in the world is going to attack you?" Hm, that might have been phrased better. "It was probably some kind of hallucination or flashback." Maybe he should speak with one of the doctors about it, before he left; Max might require special care, if these flashbacks or whatever they were persisted.

Somewhat surprised by Max's sudden interest, Dexter said without thinking, "I don't know, some woman Caleb had been dating before he met you. He apparently called her from your hotel room shortly before you gave him whatever it was that put him in the coma; apparently she's very upset about the entire incident." Understandable, but for once Dexter agreed completely with Madam; she couldn't be allowed to harm Max.

"I know, it seems to be a hospital but at night it... it changes into..." ZEX was struck by how insane he must have sounded. How would he have reacted, if someone came to him on Cerenkov, told him that night, everything changed and they were attacked by inexplicable monsters? That was Spathi talk, not sensible people. ZEX was not a Spathi, and not given to needless paranoia, and that's what this must have sounded like. Any protestations he had, explanations of what went on here at night, the rooms unlocking, the creatures unleashed, the apparent war between two parties, he was sure DAX would not believe a word of it. And why should he? ZEX had no proof, just his word it was true, and if he was insane, delusional...

"I really must sound mad..." ZEX said, not quite to himself.

Dating? Vlad had mentioned something about dating... some human courtship ritual, if he remembered right. So his human's alterego had a relationship with someone else! He hadn't mentioned it... then again, if he was in the same situation as ZEX, he wouldn't remember. "I see... he hasn't mentioned anyone like that to me. Perhaps he's forgotten about her as well." She hadn't been enough to stop him from succumbing to ZEX's charms, after all, but then again he'd always been hard to resist. That was almost enough to lighten his spirits a little. "But either way, I simply cannot leave him here. It'd be very irresponsible, after all the progress we've made together. He's still my human, after all."

"You are mad, sir. The entire point of you being here is so you can get better." Officially, anyway. Dexter just hoped Madame wouldn't cause trouble when Max was finally read to leave Landel's. It was, perhaps, a terrible thing to think, but that wasn't going to stop him from considering all possibilities.

"Perhaps," Dexter was forced to agree. "But you can't count on that, sir. And taking him with you when you leave is completely out of the question. What if he recovers his memories? Do you want to go to prison?"

Although he already knew DAX thought he was mad, it still hurt on some level to hear him say it out loud. Again it made him doubt the veracity of his memories, what he thought was reality. It wasn't the life that DAX described that made ZEX want to "go back", far from it, but the idea of lying to himself about who he was. The very concept was repellant to him in so many ways; he swore long ago that he'd never pretend to be something he was not. If he was lying to himself about this entire ordeal, then he had an obligation, to his own character, to stop, even if the life he "returned" to instead sounded almost unbearable. It was the principle, his pride in a way at stake, and it was a weakness of his species.

The question came to what was the lie, and what was the truth. And his memories felt so much like truth... even when they fit so perfectly as lies. That sinking feeling again, that dread of not knowing which way is up.

"I don't think this place is helping me..." ZEX said eventually, in hopes of finding something to hold on to. The fact he wasn't sure, somewhere inside still not quite sure, if DAX was helping him or not (that he couldn't tell, even worse) was killing him.

"Surely my human wouldn't do such a thing." ZEX tried to laugh weakly and give his words the confidence he wished he had in them. "It was... a misunderstanding, I'd never hurt him intentionally." He still couldn't believe that he had hurt him; the irresponsibility of it galled him. "I'm sure he'd understand. He's very fond of me, you know."

"Oh?" Now that required some serious thought. Dexter did, after all, want Max to get better, and if Landel's wasn't helping him than obviously he needed to be moved to some place that would. The problem with that, of course, was that Madame's cooperation would be required to move Max anywhere, and somehow Dexter doubted she would very open to the idea.

"You haven't been here that long..." Dexter said slowly, trying to untangle the problem in his head as he spoke. "And I doubt you've been cooperating with the staff." Even when sane, Max never cooperated with anyone if he could get away with it, and Dexter saw no reason why insanity would change that. "The doctors here are trying to help you," he reminded Max, "but you have to want to get better before you'll make any progress."

"If Mr. Stern doesn't try to press charges after his release, then no doubt his girlfriend will," Dexter said firmly, brooking no argument. "It doesn't matter whether you did it on purpose, sir; what you did to him was still very much illegal, and Madame's ability to pay off the police isn't infinite." He was getting very tired of repeating himself. "That's why it's so important that you avoid him!"

It wasn't the place, it was the people here that helped him keep his sanity, mostly, although now DAX's words had put that into question itself. Had they simply made the situation worse? That couldn't be right, they'd all done such things together, he'd felt... happy here, at least once. After he and his Captain... that couldn't have made things worse.

At least the question had DAX thinking, and for a moment, a bridge between then and now formed in his mind. "It is true that I can be uncooperative when the mood takes me on occasion, as I'm sure you can remember..." ZEX had almost been smiling at the beginning of his statement, teasing almost, and then that cursed word. DAX, this DAX, he probably didn't remember, wouldn't know what he was talking about. How quickly it sobered his mood. "The doctors... yes, I do have a therapist now that I think about it." ZEX smiled just slightly. "He's very handsome, if I recall correctly..."

ZEX hovered a hand where his trunk should have been. "That's right, his female companion... that does make things complicated." ZEX tried to imagine a life without his Captain and found it too horrible to think about. There had to be some way around this. He paused, thinking hard. "If the real threat is outside these walls, from the authorities that you describe... why should I avoid him in here? If we are both mad, there's no danger, is there? As long as I am mad, they cannot get me here, can they?" ZEX wasn't sure how a human police system worked, but he was trying to gather the basics from what DAX had described.

"That would be an understatement," Dexter said dryly. "You're one of the most uncooperative people I've ever met." He sounded almost affectionate, saying that. And of course his doctor's looks would be the first thing Max remembered about him. "You should more pay attention to the things he says to you," he chided. "He has your best interests at heart, just as I do."

Dexter frowned deeply at Max's next words, whatever beginnings there might have been of a good mood evaporating completely. "He's mad now, just as you are," Dexter pointed out. "But he's also here to receive treatment, just like you. Can't you see that insisting on remaining close to him just increases the chances of him remembering what you did? It's true that at, as long as you're certifiably insane, you can't be arrested for anything; but do you really want to live the rest of your life here?" Dexter, needless to say, did not care of that idea at all.

DAX's tone was so familiar, it brought back memories of time spent idly at Cerenkov, their days during the War, and how much he wanted that right now, something familiar, to see DAX as he knew him again, one eye and head feelers in smooth motion. ZEX closed his eyes... if he heard DAX's voice at least he could mentally provide the proper image.

"Yes, I had something of a reputation for it." This DAX wouldn't know what he was talking about, but ZEX wanted him to so badly that he said it anyway, kept going and trying to capture the light, teasing tone he used to have around him. "Being uncooperative, among other things. I'm not sure if they were all deserved..."

A pang of doubt, frustration at his inability to find the surface and swim again, still suffocating. Of course DAX had his best interests at heart, he'd always been loyal to him; even when everyone else turned against him, DAX had stayed by his side. Doubting him made his chest tighten with the feeling that something was wrong, there had to be some other source of doubt, it couldn't be DAX. Something as mutable and intangible as his memories, that wasn't as solid as the rhythm of DAX's voice.

Stumbling and still sinking further. He held onto DAX's hand tightly, looking down. "I don't want to be here anymore..." ZEX said, softly after some time. "I don't want... to be Max. I want to go home." He shut his eyes, mind in turmoil, doubts and memories shrieking endlessly at each other to try to overpower the other. "I want things to be normal again."

And even then, that still wasn't exactly right, wasn't all he wanted... "I want him to come with me." He'd spent so much time capturing him, he could not let him go now. There had to be a way to make DAX understand. "He's... everytime I see him, there's this feeling I can't describe, there's this desire, after such a long time waiting, he was the most beautiful human I'd ever seen. Twenty years and my miracle human, and I found him here somehow, and to lose him again, I can't..." Desperately trying to somehow convince DAX, put their relationship in words. "He means so much to me, my most precious treasure, the star of my menagerie of monsters, and..."

The sentiment reworded, and ZEX trembled a little. "I don't want to lose him."

"Sir..." Dexter had never been the impulsive type, but this situation was so far from normal, and he was growing so frustrated with saying the same thing over and over...Perhaps acting on impulse was the thing to do, in this kind of situation. He awkwardly put his arms around Max's shoulders, tugging him closer and petting his greasy hair.

"I realize this must be confusing for you," he said coldly, his real feelings reflected as always reflected more accurately by his actions than his words. "But can you at least continue to trust me? I want only what's best for you, just as I always have." If he could somehow convince Max to believe him, then maybe everything else would fall into place. Unlikely, perhaps; but what else could he do but try?

ZEX was frustrated, trying to find a way to make what he knew, wanted to be true and make this suffocating feeling stop and he wasn't prepared for DAX to reach out for him. Although even if he had known what he intended to do, he wouldn't have moved away.

ZEX liked to be touched, and held, and had been described back home as being at best a "very tactile" type of person, and so having DAX suddenly hold him like that was immediately, tangibly comforting in an almost deafening way. He returned the gesture without thought, pressing his head against DAX's shoulder with a quiet "mmmhh" sound. DAX touched his hair, much like his Captain did, and the gesture instantly made him feel a wave of affection and warmth, something he'd desperately needed.

DAX asked him questions and ZEX wished he wouldn't, just let him bask in his human embrace, and he tried to think of a response. Being held by someone made his thoughts realign in much simpler ways. "Of course I trust you, DAX..." If only that solved his problem, but it only made it worse. He couldn't leave his Captain here, after everything they'd done together.

He couldn't think of anything else to say, so he tried to focus on how DAX's arms felt instead and stop thinking.

"My name's Dexter, sir," he reminded Max, with a quiet sigh. How many times had he already said that today, and yet it seemed to do no good at all.

These things took time, he reminded himself, more sternly by far than any tone he'd ever taken with Max. The younger man had gone through a dreadful shock, in addition to the drugs he'd taken; a single conversation wasn't going to make him well again. That was what the doctors were for...Now if only he could convince Max of the need to listen to them...

For a moment, as he continued to hold Max and pet his hair, it all seemed so terribly pointless to Dexter. Who knew? Perhaps Max was better of here, after all.

"Dex... ter, that's right," ZEX said softly. "You mentioned that before."

He couldn't exactly say he was happy at the moment, but he was certainly happier than the alternative, of sitting and drowning and not being able to hold on to anything. At least now he was holding on to someone, and they were holding on to him and touching his hair in that way he liked, and the question of whether or not this was really a good thing or not was muted to almost being unhearable. He wouldn't have thought humans could truly embrace each other, with their arms as rigid and inflexible as they were, but they fit against each other much better than he'd thought. If only he had his head feelers... but his hair being touched felt nice as well.

"Dexter..." That didn't sound right to him. Close, in a way, but not right. "DAX suits you better."

"It's a very strange name, sir," Dexter said, as though he didn't care one way or another.

The hug lasted for a while longer, but eventually Dexter pulled back, long-ingrained habit compelling him to check his watch. "I have to go," he noted with a displeased frown. "Madame will be wanting an escort to the hairdresser." It would be literally impossible to say that sentence with less enthusiasm than Dexter's voice contained.

ZEX wanted to hold on to him as long as he could, but he suspected it'd come to an end eventually. If DAX didn't stop himself, then one of the nurses nearby would have intervened. It didn't mean he was happy about it, though. He let his hands linger for a moment before he settled back into his chair, alone and close to miserable.

"So soon?" Part of him wanted DAX to stay, to snap out of it and talk about plans for escaping from this place, going home, becoming a VUX again, be with him and part of him wasn't sure he could take much more of this. Another painful, conflicted feeling to join all the others. "Can't you..."

ZEX wasn't sure what he wanted to say, or even what he wanted in general at the moment. His head was starting to hurt... the double vision was beginning to give him a headache again. He kept both of his eyes open. "I..." What could he say? It was good talking to you? ZEX wasn't sure that it was. Please don't go? He wasn't sure if he wanted him to stay. Thank you for talking to me? For making him feel this way?

ZEX looked down, obviously conflicted and it showed on his face, even if he didn't know he was doing it. "If... you have to go... I guess you should." It was all he could make himself say. It was so difficult to breathe.

"I'll come back as soon as I can," Dexter said, seemingly impassive as he watched the conflict written over Max's face. Reaching out, he patted Max's hand before standing. "Take care of yourself, sir. At least try to listen to the doctors."

He didn't know what else he could say.

Knowing that he'd be coming back soon, that was a comfort... he thought. This was all horribly confusing. When DAX stood ZEX almost instinctually reached out for him again, although he caught himself in time.

"Soon..." ZEX stared at him, trying to sort through everything and failing. He tried to think of something to say. "You... take care of yourself as well."

More than anything he wished for a sudden, piercing moment of clarity; definitive knowledge of what was real and what was not, even if it was just so he could know how he felt, and what to say. He didn't like being at a loss for words. It made him feel... helpless, and- was this what Max must have felt- ngh.

"Of course." Reaching out, Dexter patted Max's shoulder, once, as though bracing him up -- and then turned away.

The visitor's lobby wasn't so wide that it wouldn't take him more than a few seconds to reach the door.

Something suddenly became clear through his conflicted morass of doubt and confusion when DAX turned to go. His voice, he was leaving and it was like he'd had a part of his home again only to have it torn away from him, and despite everything else, all else, more than anything he wanted DAX to stay.

He reached out a hand to catch his coat, but he was already out of range, and then he nearly stood to follow him and felt a hand on his shoulder. A nurse nearby, no doubt wary about sudden movements after the other conflicts in the visiting room, and ZEX sat back down, trembling. There was so much he didn't expect from this visit, but an almost overpowering sense of loss wasn't one of them.

Now there were words, although he couldn't bring himself to say them. There was no point now. Don't go. ZEX pressed his hands over his eyes. Don't leave me here. Don't do this to me.

He didn't know what else he could do. He kept his head buried in his hands, trembling. If this was a nightmare, ZEX hoped that the Creator would have the mercy to let him wake up.

He'd speak with Max's doctor before leaving the institute entirely, if there was enough time; Dexter's concerns lay completely with making sure Max got the best care possible.

He didn't look back once as he left the visitor's lobby. There didn't seem any point, when he really did have to leave. He'd see Max next time he came to visit...And hopefully there would have been some improvement by then.

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Day 36: Waiting Room/Lobby 2

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