damned_institute | Day 29: Sun Room

Entry tags:

Day 29: Sun Room

It was with some relief that Yuuhi awoke the next morning, in his own bed, sore and tired and achy. He would've slept more had they let him, his face down in the pillow, away from all the others and their questions and their concern. He didn't want to see them, but he managed a little smile when the nurse came in and didn't object when she lead him out into the open hallway that had been splattered with blood, plenty of it his, just last night.

The Chapel or the Sun Room? He felt he had good reason not to be terribly religious and had a feeling he wouldn't be very welcome there anyway. The Sun Room would be nice though. It was bright and cheery and he could always doodle or write notes on the community board if he'd nothing better to do. Besides, the nurse was kind enough to let him take a book with him.

He found a seat on one of the couches, far from the entrance and seated himself in the far corner, legs scrunched up against his chest so he only took up one of the cushions. He opened up where he'd left off, fingers carefully turning the worn pages of Dorothy and the Wizard in Oz.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Ururu didn't mind the change of topic at all. Really, she wasn't used to talking so much, since Jinta-kun normally did most of that. So it made things easier if the conversation changed sometimes.

"The man on the speakers said there would be visitors. Our loved ones." But that was pretty close to what they had just been talking about, wasn't it? "Maybe your friends will come to see you, Fai-san."

"He did, didn't he," Yuuhi agreed, not certain he liked the idea. If anyone at all came, perhaps it would be Syaoran or Sakura. No one else knew he was here. And it did seem just like them to show up like that. Then again, they'd no way of knowing this was where he was. They were just as likely to wind up in gray pajamas with happy faces on them as he'd been.

"That would be nice. I hope I haven't worried them."

Again, another thing Ururu didn't understand. "But you're missing. They'd have to be worried if you're missing." It was such a simple thing for the child, something to be taken as fact. If her friends were the one here, and she was the one at home, Ururu knew she'd be very worried. "They're you're friends, aren't they?"

He gave a short laugh, but it was forced and he wasn't sure how obvious it'd been. "Haha, of course, how silly of me. Hmm... I wonder who it would be, don't you? Is there anyone you're hoping for?"

Even Ururu wasn't fooled by that laugh. She was young, and she didn't always understand things, but that didn't mean she couldn't understand them in the end. Why would Fai not think that his friends would be worried?

"Did something happen, Fai-san?" Ururu looked up at the man, innocent eyes meeting his gaze. "You seem really sad. Are you afraid they don't like you anymore?"

As for the question asked to her, well, Ururu knew exactly who she wanted to see most. But he was already here, wasn't he? Except he wasn't coming to the bulletin board, and Ururu hadn't seen him in such a long time.

He gave her a gentle smile, but it didn't seem to reach his eyes. It was just things last night, he told himself, it had all thrown him off, made him remember just how deeply he'd gotten involved with the others. More especially, he'd remembered the consequences of getting close enough to care about someone or even to just have them care about him. It wasn't something he ought to hope for, even so, it'd been his one wish, hadn't it?

I want to die. I want to die, but before that... before that... I want to be loved by someone.

Yuuhi was quiet, probably for a little too long, but it hadn't been a simple question, not for him. "That would be sad," he offered, "but if that means they wouldn't come to a bad place like this, then maybe it would be ok."

Ururu waited while Fai thought, and thought. And she watched him while she waited, saw how he smiled, but didn't seem to mean it. His eyes looked really sad, almost sad enough to cry, or maybe to make Ururu cry for him.

Ururu didn't like Fai being this way.

"But that would be mean." Ururu nodded slightly, sure of what she was about to say. "You couldn't help being here. I couldn't help it either. It'd be really mean if they stopped liking you for that."

Fai was a nice person, Ururu decided. That's why she stood up on the couch then (well, that, and because Fai was tall), and reached over to pat his head.

"I like you, Fai-san. So please don't look so sad, okay?"

Perhaps the most unfortunate part about Landel's was not the monsters or the scary creatures that roamed the halls at night, but the fact that, even if Yuuhi wanted it, there was no place he could run away to. He'd run from all his problems for so long that it was difficult to face even the smallest of them. Sometimes he thought if he ever turned around to see just how much he'd left behind, he'd be overwhelmed just at the sight of it.

"Mm, no, you're right, I don't think they'd be that mean," he agreed, though he had conflicting feelings about the answer. I like you. He tried to smile just a little more naturally, if only for the sake of the child. He felt guilty, almost like he was leading her along, making her care about him when he'd be leaving again soon anyway.

"I'm alright, thank you," he told her. "I'm sorry if I made you worry."

Ururu was glad to hear Fai's words, even if he still seemed really sad to her. But he was smiling a little more, so maybe it wasn't as bad as it had been just a few moments ago.

Still, Ururu decided she'd like to see Fai really smile. So she didn't stop petting him, moving her small hand through his hair with gentle strokes. It was in sharp contrast to the raw strength she had shown on the night before, much more fitting to her appearance than the mindless killer that came out when needed.

"It's okay." Ururu would rather worry a little if it meant she could help. Besides, Fai hadn't made her worry nearly as much as Kisuke-san was. And this was helping her stay occupied, instead of staring helplessly at the bulletin board. "What are your friends like? Maybe they're here, but you just can't find them because there are so many people."

His mind was telling him all the reasons he ought to get up and leave, find somewhere to hide for a while and just... not come back out. It was necessary, he told himself. And yet, he simply sat on the couch, letting Ururu stroke his hair. He had nowhere to run or hide and... and she was a child for crying out loud! Was he really so frightened of a child?

Not the child, he told himself, what might happen to her. What'd already happened to the others. The kingdom back home, Celes, Ashura, and now Kurogane.

"I don't think they are. I left some messages here and in town and no one has responded. But that's alright. I'll find my way back soon I'm sure. We all will." The words felt practiced and empty, but he said them sweetly anyway. "What are yours like Ururu?" he added, more to keep from talking about the others, hoping she'd take the opportunity to speak.

Ururu nodded, understanding this method. She had left a note about all of her friends in the very beginning, and then she had found Kisuke-san and had yummy pancakes, and things hadn't seemed quite so bad as they had when she first woke up.

But that was normal with friends around.

"Yoruichi-san is here. She's a lot like a cat." Ururu thought this made sense, since she could turn into one. "She's Kisuke-san's best friend. And Tessai-san is big and strong, and he makes sure Jinta-kun and I do our chores like we're supposed to. Mostly Jinta-kun, because he plays around a lot and he's kind of mean sometimes."

Ururu's hand paused, and she looked over to the bulletin board again. Her voice grew softer as she continued, her worry evident even in her normally stoic expression. "Kisuke-san is our boss. He likes to goof off sometimes too. But when it's time to work, he does his best, and he tells us all to too. And even when I mess up, he's always kind and he smiles and he says it's okay, becase...because we're a team..."

The girl's voice trailed off then. She couldn't say anything more, because suddenly it felt like her throat had a really big lump in it. And even though her head was turned down, Fai could see how her shoulders shook, and the tiny drops of water that had begun to fall from her eyes.

"K-Kisuke-san..."

Orihime felt lost. She'd offered to talk with Ururu but she didn't know what she could do or say to make things better. She didn't even have a clue where Urahara had gone, and she was terribly sure now that he must be gone. Urahara was a prankster but not a cruel one; it was unlike him to make Ururu worry for so long. He wouldn't abandon her if his life depended on it.

If he was still here, he would have been there to help her the night before.

But none of this would make Ururu feel better. She could lie if she tried, but what would that accomplish? There had to be something she could say but her throat refused to work properly.

She was glancing at the bulletin board too.

She almost didn't want to interrupt Ururu and her friend, and then Ururu stopped talking and her shoulders started shaking. Orihime moved over to the couch and stood behind it so she could rest a hand gently on Ururu's head.

She looked over at Fai, her gaze sympathetic. "Ururu-chan said I could join you. I hope it's alright." She put her arms around Ururu's shoulders lightly, giving the girl ample room to pull away or escape if she wanted to. "Shh... It's ok now."

Orihime wasn't the only one who felt lost. Yuuhi was far out of his depth and it was only his third day. What would the others say if they found him like this, stewing and making poor little girls cry! It was awful! Even he wasn't cold enough to let a child cry unnoticed.

But it seemed he needn't have tried. Another girl joined them and it seemed she knew all the right things to say and do for the child where he felt just guilty and confused.

"Ah-" he started, sitting up a little straighter as his smile grew, if only just. "Of course, please." He watched with quiet concern, but didn't move to console the little girl, not when she already had the other. It was best not to get involved. "I'm sorry, I think I brought up something I shouldn't have."

Any arms were welcome just then, as Ururu began to sob. She hadn't meant to start crying. She really thought she was doing okay at not crying, especially since Jinta-kun called her a crybaby all the time. But she just missed Kisuke-san and the others so much, and she was alone and even a little afraid.

So when Orihime reached out for her, Ururu latched on tight, pressing her face into the older girl's shoulder. She swallowed hard, twisting fistfuls of Orihime's shirt, and shaking her head.

"Wh-where's Kisuke-san?" When she wasn't so sad, she'd help again, and tell Fai it wasn't his fault, and Keman that he wasn't a burden. But right now, the only thing she wanted, the only person she wanted was Kisuke-san, who knew everything to say to make the world seem better.

Orihime shook her head a little, her gaze not leaving the young girl sobbing in her arms. "It's not your fault." She told Fai honestly. "And it's better this way. She's too young to keep everything bottled up for so long."

She held Ururu tight, stroking her back gently and whispering soothing words in her ear while she sobbed. It was what her brother had done for her so long ago, for everything from bullies to a scrape on the knee.

But this was more than anything she'd gone through as a child. She knew how Ururu felt, because she felt the same way right now and still... she would forfeit any chance to see Ichigo again if it meant Ururu could know that Urahara hadn't abandoned her. "You're not alone, Ururu-chan. I promise I'll stay with you until we find him again, ok?"

She had to be strong for Ururu, so she swallowed the lump in her throat and closed her eyes until the tears were gone.

Yuuhi uncurled his legs and let his feet sink back to the floor. The older girl seemed to be doing fine with Ururu and he'd likely just hinder any sort of progress she'd tried to make. Even if she insisted it wasn't his fault...

"Ah... you're probably right." He didn't dare just up and leave when Ururu was already struggling with being abandoned, but he didn't feel as though he had much to add either.

To Ururu he leaned in and said quietly, "You know... A... a good friend of mine said that it's best to cry so that we can move on and figure out how to fix it or get past it. It makes us stronger."

Ururu swallowed and hiccuped and sobbed as Orhime held her, as the girl tried to comfort her and made promises. The Fai tried too, and for a moment, all the whispers and all the worrying only made her cry harder, because then Ururu felt bad for making everyone else feel bad.

But she couldn't help it. She was only a child, a small child who couldn't read well and made a lot of mistakes, but her heart was pretty smart, and her heart knew the truth, even if Ururu didn't know how, or if she didn't like it at all.

Kisuke-san wasn't there any more.

Kisuke-san was gone, and Ururu couldn't do anything about it. She couldn't find him, she couldn't help him, she couldn't even ask him for advice, because he wasn't there. The single person she loved most in the world had simply vanished, just like she had from home, and Ururu felt sick and lost, and most of all, sad.

"I'm s-sorry." And Ururu really was. She was sorry she hadn't been able to help Kisuke-san, and sorry she was making so many people upset now. So she apologized, over and over, for everything she'd ever done wrong, for everything she couldn't fix, and everyone she couldn't help.

And mostly, Ururu apologized because she didn't know what to do anymore.

"Is it really that simple?" Orihime asked, almost speaking to herself, because it had aways been so complicated for her. Fai's friend must be strong.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Orihime wasn't as strong as any of them. She wasn't brave or beautiful or cool or inspiring. All she wanted to do right now was fall apart; she was already halfway there. What could she say that wouldn't make things any worse? She could wish, and promise, and do everything in her power but that wasn't going to make Urahara come back.

It wasn't going to make Ichigo come back either. And she felt guilty and stupid the moment the thought came into her mind because Ururu was sobbing her heart out and she couldn't think of anything except that they were both gone. Alive, yes, but still gone. That was the most important thing and she couldn't make it right.

Then Ururu was saying sorry in that same litany she'd been telling herself not to cry. It wasn't alright to fall apart when Ururu needed her. Orihime gathered the last of her resolve. "Me too." She murmured. She was sorry for a lot of things too, but there was a pause where too many of them stumbled to reach her mouth and the first thing that came out was; "I'm sorry I can't make it better."

His initial feeling was correct, he wasn't doing any good here. Ururu was only crying harder than ever and now the other girl seemed ready to break at any second. It felt more and more like he was just intruding on their private moment.

"Maybe I should-" he started as he got to his feet, but thought better of his words. "Ah, I think I'll go speak with the nurse," he said, "and see if we can't find you a nice treat or maybe some crayons." He gave a smile and a nod to the other girl before he walked calmly and quietly to the nearest nurse. He did speak with her, smiled in all the right places, but said nothing of sweets or crayons. In the end, he didn't stay at all, he left quietly with one of the nurses for the other room, making as little fuss as possible and just hoped they thought he was simply accompanying the nurse as she went to fetch the desired items.

[[to the chapel (http://community.livejournal.com/damned/263910.html)]]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Day 29: Sun Room

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject