Night 69: Main Hallway 2-West

[envy_the_sinners]

[From here]

Scar shone his flashlight down the second floor hallway. It seemed to be deserted as always, but God only knew what might come out at them.

"I don't think there's anything down this first hall. I woke in one of the rooms there last night."

Comments

[redcladidealist]

Lloyd's face blanked as Kratos started to talk. The familiar way he referred to Lloyd's father made it sound like... he knew him? Not just in passing, either. Not if he was talking about Lloyd's father's loyalty, his students, his battles with-

When did I-?

Months. Kratos had known his father for months, and he hadn't said anything-

I.

Not unless I want-

Something inside Lloyd seized. "What... What're you saying?" His heart was pounding, almost deafeningly loud, and the world rocked unsteadily beneath his feet. It sounded like Kratos was saying he... was referring to himself as... But he couldn't be. Lloyd had to be hearing something wrong. Why would Kratos claim he was...? "You're...?" He couldn't even form the words in his mind, let alone say them out loud. If he said them, he didn't know what would happen to his world. Besides, it couldn't be true. The doctor had told him they'd taken his father's Exsphere, and Kratos still had-

-a bandaged hand.

Lloyd inhaled sharply, his world graying a bit at the edges. He hadn't actually seen. Kratos had just said he'd been attacked. 'Attacked' would be a good word if-

Stop it! Stop jumping to conclusions! You don't know!

His voice shook when he tried to speak. "Sh-show me your hand!"

[forsworn]

And here it was, the so-called moment of truth. Kratos bowed his head briefly and then turned on the spot to face Lloyd. His lips thinned to a line - a near-grimace - as he slowly unwrapped the bandage on his left hand, shook it out, and then neatly folded the cloth up so he could drape it over his arm. He brushed his fingers lightly across the top of the Exsphere and the skin around it, as if to make sure it looked presentable, before wordlessly raising his flashlight and extending his hand, palm down, toward Lloyd for his inspection.

The crystal was blue, the same as the one now in Lloyd's possession, but did not shine nearly as brilliantly; in fact, most of the light was reflected off of the thin, glassy ring of aqua green surrounding it, a thin ring that soon gave way to an intricate network of precise, straight cuts on Kratos's skin that stood out more starkly under the light without a Key Crest to hide them. They had mostly closed up by now, but here and there, the scabs were cracked from when he'd clenched his fist too tightly, exposing the angry red underneath.

He waited in silence, jaw taut and back ramrod straight, knowing what would come, and braced himself for the blow.

[redcladidealist]

Unlike Kratos, Lloyd didn't know. The pieces had been there, but his mind had rebelled every time he'd tried to put them together. Rebelled, but couldn't let go of it either, circling, skipping, coming back around, because it couldn't leave well enough alone. He couldn't ignore what he saw with his eyes, though. Couldn't pretend he'd just misinterpreted or misunderstood someone's words. Kratos's ravaged hand was there and plain to see, and just as plain as the fact that that wasn't his Exsphere. Lloyd knew what Kratos's Exsphere looked like. Even in a hall as dark as this, it should have sparkled in the light. His Exsphere was gone, taken, replaced-

-cut out of his hand with precise, straight cuts-

-pain, as a blade sliced into his skin-

They were like his. He hadn't had a chance to look closely at his hand, but somehow he knew the cuts were like his. The same hand had held the knife the same way.

We've already performed this experiment once.

What did you do to them?!

It was just the one.

Only one other person had lost their Exsphere here. Only one other person had suffered what the doctor had done to him. If Kratos's Exsphere was gone, replaced with a fake, then he... They'd... Kratos had... He was...

"No." He couldn't breathe. He shook his head, in denial as his world crashed down. "No! You- You can't be! If you were- Why would you betray us like that?! Why did you-? My father wouldn't have tried to kill me!"

[forsworn]

If he could act on hindsight, Kratos would have willingly gone back in time and punched himself in the face at the Tower of Salvation for what he'd done, even though he knew that at the time, there was no way he would have disregarded orders, no matter how conflicted he might have felt. That Kratos had still been Yggdrasill's man, had been utterly convinced that he could and would rid himself of the last vestige of his ill-fated attempt at independence up until the very moment he'd raised his sword above Lloyd's head and found himself shockingly unable to bring it down. It was only then that his resolve, the resolve he'd thought he'd rebuilt so solidly over the past fourteen years, had proved paper thin, only then that he had realized what Anna had done to him was in fact irreversible.

"And yet, I did," Kratos said softly as he retracted his hand. "And I had my reasons for everything I ever did to you - long, complicated reasons that I thought would let things turn out for the best. Now, of course, I know that they were all wrong...

"I will not try to excuse my actions to you, Lloyd." As your father--no, he wasn't ready to say that. More importantly, he had no right to say that. Not yet. In the mean time, he would face the consequences of all the lies and poor decisions he'd ever made. There would be no Yuan to come between the two of them, no passing of time to soften Lloyd's rage. He would face it all now, as perhaps he had always wanted to.

[redcladidealist]

"You had reasons you thought killing me was right?!" For a moment, incredulity and outrage blasted through his denial. "Killing shouldn't ever be right! It's awful even when it's necessary!" Once, what felt a lifetime ago, he would have fought against even that idea, too, but then he'd met people like Magnius and Kvar, people like Vharley, people who wouldn't stop hurting people so long as they were alive.

But his outrage could only hold out so long before his mind circled around right back to the start, unable to just let go. Kratos hadn't backed off, hadn't retracted his claim, was still referring to himself obliquely as the man in his story, the man who was Lloyd's-

His mind jerked away again. Lloyd had to drag in a harsh, ragged breath, on the verge of panic. Panic as everything he knew about himself was threatened. If this was true, then who was he-?

It's not true! It's not! Dammit, then why couldn't he just let it drop?! Why did he always have to believe that there was truth in everything he heard!?

"If you- If he- If my father had found me, why wouldn't he tell me? Didn't he care that he'd found his son? You- He would have had months! Why wouldn't he say something?!"

[forsworn]

Lloyd did not disappoint - his indignation shone clearly in every word he spoke - and Kratos accepted it all without complaint: it would have been far more disturbing, far more uncomfortable if Lloyd had brushed off his crimes with ease. It was...this was right. Now that he'd finally gone and revealed the truth he'd tried to hide for so long, he could feel that this was the way things had always been meant to go.

It still hurt, though. Kratos might have faced another night not too different from this one before, but that did not make the sting any less.

"He did care." And he had, even though nothing he'd done pointed that way. He had cared, and very much so. "But he was afraid. Afraid of what you would think, of what might happen to you - of becoming attached and then losing you..."

Randomly, he wondered what the Professor would think were she to see him now. Probably sigh, roll her eyes, and then tell him it was about time he actually gave a straight answer to someone of his own accord.

"That proved fear enough to keep him silent."

[redcladidealist]

"So, what, you didn't think I would care if I never found out who my father was?!" Anger bubbled, and Lloyd latched onto it like it was his salvation. It made it hard to think, hard to pick which words were the right ones to use to refer to Kratos and his father, didn't even know if he was thinking about them as one or separate anymore, but anger was something he could deal with, something solid and uncomplicated. "You didn't think it would hurt me to think I'd lost him forever?!" His hand throbbed, and he ignored it. It wasn't important anymore. "To never know if he cared or if he just... just abandoned me? Just left me and mom to die because he didn't want us?"

He clenched his hands. It was too easy to let all his childhood fears spill out, all the things he'd kept to himself, buried under hope and a positive attitude, but he couldn't stop himself now. Not when he was confronted with this man, this arrogant, selfish bastard who hadn't even thought to think what his actions would do to his son! How much his silence could tear Lloyd apart. Lloyd raised his voice, shouting now. "I had no idea what happened, and nobody could tell me but you! Do you have any idea what things I came up with to explain why you weren't there?!"

[forsworn]

"I thought you would prefer that to the truth--better to leave you with the slim chance that your father had died a hero or was still out there for the finding than give you a man who would only betray you later, as I knew I would. We were enemies, Lloyd. I wanted to spare you the pain" --also so you could kill me without too much regret.

He had told Lloyd that he wouldn't try to excuse away anything he'd done, but Kratos felt like he at least owed Lloyd an explanation before he became sold on this idea that he hadn't considered his feelings at all--

Actually, he probably hadn't.

"But, that's no good reason, and there is nothing else I could say, so...I apologize," he said heavily. "For everything."

And that was that. He'd said all he could; whether or not Lloyd rejected him, it was out of his hands now.

[redcladidealist]

"What kind of chance would no chance be?" Lloyd retorted hotly. "At least I would have known, instead of living out my life hoping for something I wouldn't ever get. Just because I prefer to have hope doesn't mean I want to live in a lie."

But it was hard to hold onto that incandescent rage when Kratos was outright apologizing. Since when did Kratos ever apologize? Since when did he admit he was wrong? Without that anger, though, all he had left was a cold ache in his throat that had nothing to do with damage left by the monster the night before. It was getting harder to tell himself Kratos had to be lying. What would he have to gain from apologizing it if it wasn't actually true?

It wasn't just that, either. Things that Kratos had done that had confused Lloyd before would make better sense if Kratos was his father. All those lectures, all those lessons, even those infuriating times when he'd tried to discourage Lloyd from joining the Journey of Regeneration with Colette. He'd always felt like there'd been something between them, a bond he'd felt was something more than mentorship at the end, which had only made the hurt of the betrayal even worse. Even the baffling moments when it seemed like he was still giving them clues to help even after he'd gone back to Cruxis. It would explain a whole lot more if those were the actions of a father who was trying to... to what? Protect Lloyd? Even though they were enemies? The thought made the bitter ache more pronounced, to be told you mattered, but not enough to make his own father change his mind. The thought that Kratos could acknowledge him as his son, even if only to himself, and still not tell him, still do all the things he did... It made it hard for those few paternal gestures to even begin to make up the difference. How were they supposed to when Lloyd hadn't known what they were, had only been able to be confused and frustrated with the mixed signals he was getting?

And it still didn't address the root problem.

"If you're not lying," he said. "If you're..." The words didn't want to come. But even with all the pain, there was something, a part of him that ached in a different way, that wanted to know, that wanted the words to come out. He took a breath, and had to swallow. "If you're really my father, then... then why? Why did you leave me and mom?"

[forsworn]

Kratos paused as he determined how best to explain himself. Then: "The answer to that is more complex than just a few words. Allow me to start from the beginning, so as not to confuse you later."

That seemingly long ago snowy night in Flanoir had marked the first time he'd related the entire sordid tale of his brief rebellion against Cruxis to anyone, let alone Lloyd, and back then, he had only wanted to get it over with as fast as possible, even though he had been more than willing to finally tell Lloyd the whole truth. This time around, though, it wasn't nearly as nerve-wracking, and slowly, Kratos once again made his way through the blur of memories that frequently haunted his dreams in a manner that sounded less like a barrage of facts and more like an actual story.

"...I gave up, I admit that. I searched as long as I could, but in the end, all I ever found were Desian corpses and blood everywhere. I thought you had died. Perhaps if I had been granted more time, I might have found you, but I am Origin's seal, the guardian of Yggdrasill's power, so naturally, he couldn't just leave me alone. He soon found me and" - Kratos's voice caught momentarily - "asked me to return to Cruxis. He would have dragged me back to Derris-Kharlan regardless of how I answered, and I was tired of fighting and convinced that I had lost everything anyway...I accepted."

That had been followed by fourteen years' worth of attempts to carve Anna out of his heart and mold him back into the obedient knight that had first sworn fealty to Mithos - fourteen years' worth of guilt and suffering and retribution and despair and things that he would be taking to the grave.

"I was not permitted to return to the two worlds until the Journey of Regeneration, so I never received any more time to look for you--even if I had...well." The corner of Kratos's mouth twisted upward briefly. "But I did not choose to leave you and Anna. You two were the most important things in my life. I would have never just left."

[redcladidealist]

It may have been the second time Kratos had told anyone this story, but it was the first time that Lloyd had heard the whole story of his mother's dead. He'd only had bits and pieces up until now. She fell off a cliff. No, it was Desians. Then finally Kvar had told him the most, told him that his father had killed his mother after her Exsphere had been removed, transforming her into a monster. He hated to take Kvar's word for anything, but he was starved for details about his parents and that was the most he'd ever had.

Starved until now. Now the details of Anna's death pounded into his ears. Confirmed by someone other than Kvar, he could see her distorted, tortured body, her skin stretched and bulging with the glut of mana gone out of control. Why had he wanted to hear this? This wasn't what he wanted to know! "Stop it," he choked the words out - or tried to. The words stuck in his throat, and he didn't know if Kratos heard because he kept telling the story. The story of how his father had to kill his mother, had to take his sword and- "Stop it!" His whole body was shaking now - with horror, with stress, he didn't know. Every breath he dragged in shuddered in his chest.

But there it was. The missing piece, the reason why his father had vanished between the moment he'd had to kill Anna and when Dirk had found Lloyd and his mother at the bottom of the cliff. He'd looked. He hadn't left. He'd looked. He'd just been too late. Something stung in Lloyd's eyes, making him fiercely blink it away.

"But you still gave into him! How could you do that when you knew what he was doing was wrong?! How could you be okay with going back to the man who's in charge of the people who killed mom?!" In his mind, even knowing the truth, he still blamed Kvar. Kvar had been the one to doom his mother when he'd taken her Exsphere away. Lloyd clenched his hands, vibrating with anger and emotions he could barely hold in check, emotions he was afraid even to identify, that made his eyes sting even more. "Even if you didn't have a choice, you still could have fought! Maybe you still could have gotten away. Just because someone's strong doesn't mean they can't make a mistake! Isn't that what you taught me?!"

[forsworn]

It was curious how this conversation was mirroring all of the ones from the past, as if even the words they were to say were somehow fated to be. "I could have, but I didn't care anymore by that point. I convinced myself that since Mithos had promised to reunite the two worlds once he'd revived Martel, I could live with my decision, because what I wanted would be accomplished anyway. That's what I thought, that I could only keep moving down the flawed path I had paved for myself, until you taught me otherwise."

He had still managed to muck up quite a lot, but somehow, he had still been alive at the end of it all, and that was definitely not what Kratos had expected. He had been almost disappointed at first, but more and more, he was happy things had not gone as he'd originally intended.

[redcladidealist]

Fated to be, or perhaps this was just the way Lloyd was, they way he'd always respond when faced with revelations like this. Either way, his hands were curling and clenching into fists, heedless of the pain this caused as his cut and cauterized skin pulled and stretched, the thin scabs splitting under the strain. In a way, he was almost glad for it. It gave him something physical to focus on, to ground him in the here and now.

It also gave him something to blame for the dampness in his eyes.

It took one shuddering breath, then another, before he could form words again. "I... taught you?" That didn't make sense. "You were the one teaching me. At least... before..." Before the Tower of Salvation.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, it still felt weird to hear someone refer to Yggdrasill as Mithos. Mithos the Hero... All this time...