Night 69: Main Hallway 2-West

[envy_the_sinners]

[From here]

Scar shone his flashlight down the second floor hallway. It seemed to be deserted as always, but God only knew what might come out at them.

"I don't think there's anything down this first hall. I woke in one of the rooms there last night."

Comments

[forsworn]

"I thought you would prefer that to the truth--better to leave you with the slim chance that your father had died a hero or was still out there for the finding than give you a man who would only betray you later, as I knew I would. We were enemies, Lloyd. I wanted to spare you the pain" --also so you could kill me without too much regret.

He had told Lloyd that he wouldn't try to excuse away anything he'd done, but Kratos felt like he at least owed Lloyd an explanation before he became sold on this idea that he hadn't considered his feelings at all--

Actually, he probably hadn't.

"But, that's no good reason, and there is nothing else I could say, so...I apologize," he said heavily. "For everything."

And that was that. He'd said all he could; whether or not Lloyd rejected him, it was out of his hands now.

[redcladidealist]

"What kind of chance would no chance be?" Lloyd retorted hotly. "At least I would have known, instead of living out my life hoping for something I wouldn't ever get. Just because I prefer to have hope doesn't mean I want to live in a lie."

But it was hard to hold onto that incandescent rage when Kratos was outright apologizing. Since when did Kratos ever apologize? Since when did he admit he was wrong? Without that anger, though, all he had left was a cold ache in his throat that had nothing to do with damage left by the monster the night before. It was getting harder to tell himself Kratos had to be lying. What would he have to gain from apologizing it if it wasn't actually true?

It wasn't just that, either. Things that Kratos had done that had confused Lloyd before would make better sense if Kratos was his father. All those lectures, all those lessons, even those infuriating times when he'd tried to discourage Lloyd from joining the Journey of Regeneration with Colette. He'd always felt like there'd been something between them, a bond he'd felt was something more than mentorship at the end, which had only made the hurt of the betrayal even worse. Even the baffling moments when it seemed like he was still giving them clues to help even after he'd gone back to Cruxis. It would explain a whole lot more if those were the actions of a father who was trying to... to what? Protect Lloyd? Even though they were enemies? The thought made the bitter ache more pronounced, to be told you mattered, but not enough to make his own father change his mind. The thought that Kratos could acknowledge him as his son, even if only to himself, and still not tell him, still do all the things he did... It made it hard for those few paternal gestures to even begin to make up the difference. How were they supposed to when Lloyd hadn't known what they were, had only been able to be confused and frustrated with the mixed signals he was getting?

And it still didn't address the root problem.

"If you're not lying," he said. "If you're..." The words didn't want to come. But even with all the pain, there was something, a part of him that ached in a different way, that wanted to know, that wanted the words to come out. He took a breath, and had to swallow. "If you're really my father, then... then why? Why did you leave me and mom?"

[forsworn]

Kratos paused as he determined how best to explain himself. Then: "The answer to that is more complex than just a few words. Allow me to start from the beginning, so as not to confuse you later."

That seemingly long ago snowy night in Flanoir had marked the first time he'd related the entire sordid tale of his brief rebellion against Cruxis to anyone, let alone Lloyd, and back then, he had only wanted to get it over with as fast as possible, even though he had been more than willing to finally tell Lloyd the whole truth. This time around, though, it wasn't nearly as nerve-wracking, and slowly, Kratos once again made his way through the blur of memories that frequently haunted his dreams in a manner that sounded less like a barrage of facts and more like an actual story.

"...I gave up, I admit that. I searched as long as I could, but in the end, all I ever found were Desian corpses and blood everywhere. I thought you had died. Perhaps if I had been granted more time, I might have found you, but I am Origin's seal, the guardian of Yggdrasill's power, so naturally, he couldn't just leave me alone. He soon found me and" - Kratos's voice caught momentarily - "asked me to return to Cruxis. He would have dragged me back to Derris-Kharlan regardless of how I answered, and I was tired of fighting and convinced that I had lost everything anyway...I accepted."

That had been followed by fourteen years' worth of attempts to carve Anna out of his heart and mold him back into the obedient knight that had first sworn fealty to Mithos - fourteen years' worth of guilt and suffering and retribution and despair and things that he would be taking to the grave.

"I was not permitted to return to the two worlds until the Journey of Regeneration, so I never received any more time to look for you--even if I had...well." The corner of Kratos's mouth twisted upward briefly. "But I did not choose to leave you and Anna. You two were the most important things in my life. I would have never just left."

[redcladidealist]

It may have been the second time Kratos had told anyone this story, but it was the first time that Lloyd had heard the whole story of his mother's dead. He'd only had bits and pieces up until now. She fell off a cliff. No, it was Desians. Then finally Kvar had told him the most, told him that his father had killed his mother after her Exsphere had been removed, transforming her into a monster. He hated to take Kvar's word for anything, but he was starved for details about his parents and that was the most he'd ever had.

Starved until now. Now the details of Anna's death pounded into his ears. Confirmed by someone other than Kvar, he could see her distorted, tortured body, her skin stretched and bulging with the glut of mana gone out of control. Why had he wanted to hear this? This wasn't what he wanted to know! "Stop it," he choked the words out - or tried to. The words stuck in his throat, and he didn't know if Kratos heard because he kept telling the story. The story of how his father had to kill his mother, had to take his sword and- "Stop it!" His whole body was shaking now - with horror, with stress, he didn't know. Every breath he dragged in shuddered in his chest.

But there it was. The missing piece, the reason why his father had vanished between the moment he'd had to kill Anna and when Dirk had found Lloyd and his mother at the bottom of the cliff. He'd looked. He hadn't left. He'd looked. He'd just been too late. Something stung in Lloyd's eyes, making him fiercely blink it away.

"But you still gave into him! How could you do that when you knew what he was doing was wrong?! How could you be okay with going back to the man who's in charge of the people who killed mom?!" In his mind, even knowing the truth, he still blamed Kvar. Kvar had been the one to doom his mother when he'd taken her Exsphere away. Lloyd clenched his hands, vibrating with anger and emotions he could barely hold in check, emotions he was afraid even to identify, that made his eyes sting even more. "Even if you didn't have a choice, you still could have fought! Maybe you still could have gotten away. Just because someone's strong doesn't mean they can't make a mistake! Isn't that what you taught me?!"

[forsworn]

It was curious how this conversation was mirroring all of the ones from the past, as if even the words they were to say were somehow fated to be. "I could have, but I didn't care anymore by that point. I convinced myself that since Mithos had promised to reunite the two worlds once he'd revived Martel, I could live with my decision, because what I wanted would be accomplished anyway. That's what I thought, that I could only keep moving down the flawed path I had paved for myself, until you taught me otherwise."

He had still managed to muck up quite a lot, but somehow, he had still been alive at the end of it all, and that was definitely not what Kratos had expected. He had been almost disappointed at first, but more and more, he was happy things had not gone as he'd originally intended.

[redcladidealist]

Fated to be, or perhaps this was just the way Lloyd was, they way he'd always respond when faced with revelations like this. Either way, his hands were curling and clenching into fists, heedless of the pain this caused as his cut and cauterized skin pulled and stretched, the thin scabs splitting under the strain. In a way, he was almost glad for it. It gave him something physical to focus on, to ground him in the here and now.

It also gave him something to blame for the dampness in his eyes.

It took one shuddering breath, then another, before he could form words again. "I... taught you?" That didn't make sense. "You were the one teaching me. At least... before..." Before the Tower of Salvation.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, it still felt weird to hear someone refer to Yggdrasill as Mithos. Mithos the Hero... All this time...