damned_institute | Day 53: Sun Room

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Day 53: Sun Room

When the intercom came on to announce the shift change, the feeling of dread returned. Anise had calmed down considerably since the morning, and she felt more ready to discuss the previous night with Ilia... but not as ready as she wanted to be.

Since the Music Room was bound to be noisy and crowded, Anise opted for the Sun Room instead, hoping that Ilia would come to the same conclusion. She took a seat on one side of a couch in the middle of the room, and waited there. If Ilia didn't show up after a while, she'd go try the Music Room.

Even though this talk had been on her mind all day, Anise still didn't know what she would say. And if she explained the truth behind her shadow's words last night... what would Ilia think? On the one hand, Ilia had shown herself to be a compassionate person, and it was hard to picture her treating Anise differently. But on the other hand, Anise hadn't known Ilia that long... and Ilia was a soldier. She would understand the gravity of Anise's actions, and the sorts of consequences that usually waited for people like her.

With these worries weighing on her mind, Anise leaned against the arm of the couch as she waited.

[For Ilia.]

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It didn't take long for Ilia to find Anise, which may have been a relief in its own way. During the time that Anise was alone with her thoughts, her stomach had managed to twist itself into a knot with all her worrying. When Ilia greeted her, she nodded and offered a small, awkward smile in return. "Um... hi." After all the fun, light-hearted chats they'd had over the past few days, it felt wrong for there to be this much tension in the air. Looking over her shoulder Anise gave the other side of the couch a brief glance. "You can sit down... if you want."

Ilia probably knew what this was going to be about, but it was Anise who had asked for them to meet, so it was probably up to her to get the ball rolling. Part of her was starting to question whether this was a good idea, though. Ilia looked about as uncomfortable as she felt... Maybe this should have been left until later.

But they were both here, so there wasn't going to be any turning back now. Anise shifted in her seat, pulling Tokunaga to her front and holding it tightly in her arms like a younger child might hold a security blanket. She swallowed hard, and then began. "After last night, I thought... maybe I should clear some things up."

Ilia was more than happy to take a seat, sinking down into the couch with a sigh. It was a relaxed sigh of relief, but it wasn't entirely due to just getting the chance to rest her leg. Thankfully, Anise hadn't just outright told Ilia she never wanted to see her again. That would have definitely killed any hope for fixing this relationship. By the way she invited Ilia to sit, it seemed she wanted to try and talk it out. Anise really was mature for an adolescent. Ilia was continuing to learn she didn't give the girl enough credit.

Or that was what she hoped was the case. It was always possible, possible, that what the Shadow Anise had said was true, that she lured people in with her cute face and then used it to her advantage. Well, that was going to be hashed out here, so Ilia wasn't going to jump to any conclusions.

When she pulled out the stuffed bear thing and hugged it to herself, Ilia couldn't help but remember how it could all be an act, a pretend insecurity. Still, she brushed the thought to the side for now and nodded. "I'm up for that. But first, how about..."

She took a deep breath and smiled, doing her best to be as reassuring as possible. "Why don't we both promise to be as honest as possible right now? I mean, we don't have to spill every little moment of our lives. But if you don't feel comfortable talking about something then I would appreciate it if you told me just that. I'll try my best to do the same."

Yes, that's all she wanted right now. Honesty. Trust could be built up again later. An honest beginning was always the best foundation, and Ilia didn't mind giving their friendship a fresh start. She just hoped Anise was up for the same.

Without really meaning to, Anise found herself holding her breath once Ilia sat down, unsure as to where this was going to go. The woman's smile caught her off guard, and Anise watched her as she listened to her suggestion. And then... she finally released the breath, feeling relieved.

Ilia was asking for honesty, and that was what Anise had planned to give her in the first place. But more importantly, did that mean that Ilia still believed that Anise would be honest with her? There was no way to be sure, but Anise still appreciated it, whether it was a sincere expectation or not. With a small smile, she nodded her agreement. "I'd like that, too. I promise."

The smile on her face faded before long, and the girl looked down to her knees, feeling a little too awkward to maintain eye contact. "But, um... I don't blame you if you don't take my word for it. A lot of the stuff my shadow said... kinda was true."

Anise still seemed very tense even after Ilia had tried to be as disarming as possible. Well, Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was trust. They would have to take this one step at a time. For now, Ilia would be banking on Anise's promise and doing her best to believe her.

Ilia nodded, then realized Anise might not see it out of her peripheral vision. She hesitated a moment, then forced out her own confession. "Yeah. I figured, since the same could be said about my shadow."

She leaned back in her seat and looked up, gazing at the bright sky through the glass. It seemed she wasn't any better at keeping eye contact than Anise was today. What did that say about her, being the adult in the situation?

"I do think how they phrased things might have blown it out of proportion a bit but it doesn't make it any less true..." As much as Ilia hated to admit it, she did do some of her actions in order to receive praise. She liked praise. Ever since she was young and everyone told she was talented, a prodigy. But to think she only helped out and worked hard so she would feel validated, it made her feel cheap and needy. And worse, self-serving.

As Ilia spoke, Anise loosened her grip on Tokunaga, holding the doll in a more natural and less tense manner. She nodded when the woman suggested that some things had been exaggerated... probably for both of them. But since they were here, they had a chance to clarify which parts were the facts.

Even though the facts didn't do much to redeem Anise's image, either.

Though she wasn't exactly relaxed, Anise felt about as ready as she could be to say what she needed to say. At this point... it was best to just rip the bandage off and get it over with.

"The true part was... that I'm a traitor," she confessed, still staring downward. "In the Order... there were two factions. While I was working for Ion, I was actually spying on him for the other faction. I reported everything." It still hurt to look back on the things she did, but Anise knew that she needed to own up to it all. "You're a soldier too, so... you probably already know how serious a crime that is." And Ilia could probably also imagine the sort of damage an information leak like that could do.

A traitor, huh? Ouch. That was a pretty terrible truth to swallow, and Ilia had wanted to ignore that part about Anise's shadow the most. She could easily have said "I'm not comfortable talking about it" and Ilia would have let the subject be. She wanted honesty, but hearing this...

No. It wasn't fair. Anise was telling her everything because she wanted the air to be completely clear between them. Listening to everything she had to say, and accepting those parts of her past, was the least Ilia could do.

"I would have never thought..." Ilia didn't know quite what to say. But she couldn't leave this as it was. It... just wasn't fair to either of them. And as illogical and lame of an answer that was, it was the only thing that made sense right now. She mustered another deep breath and plunged on. "I can't see you being a traitor, Anise. It just doesn't seem possible."

Ilia swiped her bangs out of her face and sighed. Looking back to the girl's side profile, she frowned. "I can't say I'm happy to know it's true, but I am glad you've decided to be honest about it. It's never easy, admitting when you've done wrong." It wasn't a full acceptance as Ilia couldn't forgive Anise for the things she had done--only the ones she had betrayed had that right of privileged. Whether they chose to exercise that right was also solely their prerogative.

Still, she offered the girl a smile. "We all have skeletons in the closet. Baring them is hard work, huh?"

When Ilia expressed her surprise, Anise felt for a moment that her fears might have been realized, and that Ilia wouldn't want anything to do with her anymore.

But instead, the woman merely acknowledged Anise's wrongdoings without saying anything to condemn her for it. That made her feel a little better. Ilia wasn't making excuses for her, and she wasn't trying to downplay the seriousness of Anise's wrongdoings... but she was hearing her out and accepting the facts for what they were.

"... Yeah," she finally said after a long pause. Anise didn't lift her chin, but she caught Ilia's smile out of the corner of her eye. Even now, Ilia was still trying to reassure her.

"I had my reasons, but... I'm not going to make any excuses. I knew it was wrong, and a lot of people got hurt." She didn't want Ilia to think that she expected to get away with what she did, like her shadow had implied. Maybe no one else blamed Anise for being a traitor, but she knew she needed to take responsibility. She wouldn't be able to forgive herself otherwise. "... I want to make up for it as much as I can."

"That's the least you can do, isn't it?" Ilia glanced towards Anise, still serious but smiling. "You have the intention of making it better, and that's the starting point. Actually getting up and doing what you can to make it better, that's where it gets hard." Then, still smiling, Ilia laid her hand on the girl's shoulder and squeezed gently. "But as long as you keep really wanting to make up for it, I'm sure you'll get your chance to do just that."

Having said that, Ilia pulled away and crossed her arms behind her head, sighing. They weren't here just to talk about Anise's trespasses, after all. She had her own burden to unload, and it wasn't going to be any easier. "As for me, it's just as true for what my shadow was claiming. I... do often use the excuse of helping to validate myself, and helping you... well, it probably was no different."

She had left a note on the bulletin yesterday claiming she would help Anise anytime she needed it. What a joke.

She shook her head and thought back, back to her own world, even before Roak. "Before coming here, I was on a mission with a select team of individuals. Our goal was to save a planet from a biological weapon. And, I don't know if you noticed, but that 'he' the shadow mentioned, he was probably the only reason why I joined that mission in the first place."

It was true, after all. She owed nothing to the people of Roak. If she had any reason to help them other than supporting her captain, it was because she wanted to stop that third party from developing their weapon, or because the scientist in her balked at the idea of an entire planet's ecosystem collapsing. It wasn't until she had spent more time with Roddick and Millie and all the other Roakians they had met that she began to see them as people she honestly wanted to save.

Anise nodded. She was determined not to repeat her past mistakes, and to do everything she could to help Ion. But until she got out of the institute, there wasn't much she could do. It sounded like Ilia really believed in her motivation, though, which was a little reassuring. Anise wasn't going to let her - or anyone else - down.

But then it was Ilia's turn to confess, and Anise looked up at the woman, listening quietly. Some of what she heard was surprising. Saving a planet from a biological weapon? It sounded like there was an interesting story there, but that wasn't what she needed to be focusing on right now. It sounded like Ilia was carrying her share of guilt, too.

When there was a long enough pause that she could be sure she wasn't interrupting, the girl spoke up offered her thoughts.

"... I don't think you did anything wrong. I don't think it's bad to help yourself while you help other people, or to want to support someone you care about." She didn't know if Ilia would see it that way, but at least she'd make it clear that Anise didn't hold anything against her, even knowing that it might have applied to their own friendship. "I mean, in the end, you still helped me out even though you didn't have to."

At least Anise seemed a bit less somber now. Ilia knew it was no simple matter to apologize for traitorous deeds, but she didn't doubt Anise was telling the truth here. There was something sincere about that nod, something that didn't need words to help convey.

It wasn't so surprising, hearing Anise dismiss Ilia's problems. Comparatively, Ilia's were less complicated. Maybe less painful, too, but still, she felt horrible for it.

"I suppose that might be true," she said, sighing a bit. "But I really wonder, would I have taken that leap to help them if he hadn't suggested it? Or would I really have helped you out if I wasn't just fascinated by your fonic artes or needed a traveling partner for the night?" She would like to think she cared more than that, but she was never sure. And it would be even harder to believe now that the shadow had bared it to Anise.

"And even helping with Tear, posting that bulletin today, I might just have been wanting to make up for my failure last night." She smiled again, but it definitely wasn't a happy smile. Just bitter. "I'm not someone who fails. It's not something I can ever accept. Like a kid that never admits they've lost." Captain had told her a few times before that she needed to act her age. He was right, more often she she'd allowed him to think.

It was hard to listen to Ilia put herself down like that, but Anise knew she owed it to the woman to at least hear her out before making any more objections. Ilia had done the same for her.

"But there's no use in dwelling on what-ifs, right?" Anise contended when it seemed appropriate to speak up. "Maybe things could have been different, but what happened is what happened, and you made the right decisions... at least, I think so." Usually, helping people was obviously the right thing to do, though Anise did know some cases where the best intentions had yielded the worst outcomes. These probably didn't fall into that category, though. Anise knew that she, at least, had benefited from Ilia's help.

"And..." There was a moment of hesitation, as if she wasn't sure whether to continue, but Anise soon went on anyway. "... Maybe I don't know you well enough to say for sure, but I still think, behind the stuff you've done... that you had more good intentions than selfish ones." She wasn't going to deny that there could have been a bit of both. That was probably normal, actually. But she didn't believe that Ilia was a wholly selfish person.

Maybe Anise was wrong, or maybe Ilia was in denial... but Ilia had shown Anise what a caring person she was. Even if there was a part of Anise that urged her to doubt everyone, she still felt that Ilia's kindness had been genuine all along.

Ilia nodded, her eyes fixed on a spot in the distance but not really looking. She just sat for a moment, absorbing Anise's words. Kind, understanding words that didn't completely dismiss the faults, but allowed her room to think there was still good mixed with the bad. And once again, Ilia had to ask herself who was the adult in this relationship.

"Hmm, I'm glad you think well of me, at least," she chuckled, finally turning back to Anise. "I guess the lesson is that not everything is perfectly pure, but it doesn't mean everything is inherently bad, huh?" She could smile a bit more freely now. Laughing the problems away was not always the best move, but for now it probably wouldn't hurt. At least now that she was aware of it, she could be more proactive about considering that side of herself and thinking her intentions through with more care.

Her hand moved to her neck and she scratched at her hairline, then gazed a bit sheepishly towards Anise. "I don't know if you can always rely on me in every situation, especially given what you saw, but I'm glad you were willing to talk it out with me. Thanks Anise."

When it seemed like her words were sinking in, Anise immediately felt a little lighter, as if a burden had been lifted. She had been scared that if they revealed their darker sides to each other, it could be the end of their friendship... but instead, it looked like they came to understand each other a little better. She matched Ilia's smile, and nodded. "Right. We can't be all good... but we can still try to be mostly good."

Anise wasn't sure she could believe that everyone was more good than bad, even if people like Ion and her parents might seem to think so... but in the case of someone like Ilia, Anise felt as sure as she could be that she was a decent person.

Ilia's thanks made Anise give a short, somewhat nervous giggle, though she seemed considerably more relaxed than earlier. "Anytime! And... thanks for hearing me out." It wasn't easy, admitting to the horrible things she'd done, but Ilia had listened patiently, so talking about it wasn't as hard as she thought it would be.

The nurses seemed to be preparing for the shift change, and Anise could feel that their talk had taken most of the shift, so she slid off the couch and onto her feet. "I guess we have to go now. But I'll see you again soon, right?"

Ilia felt like she and Anise had covered a lot of ground today. If anything, their friendship may even have grown a little stronger rather than splintering apart like it could have so easily done.

"Yeah, it was no problem!" It really had been a surprise, learning all she had about Anise in such a short amount of time, but it was worth it. She didn't feel any more reservations about where she stood with Anise now. The guardian had been very contrite about her past mistakes and was determined to set herself on a better path. That was all anyone could ask for.

Standing as well, Ilia stretched out her arms above her, popping her joins in her arms and down her back. Releasing a puff of air, she let her arms drop to her sides and realized how relaxed her shoulders felt after the chat. She had been a lot more tense than she had originally imagined.

At Anise's last question, Ilia smiled, now fully relaxed and back to her old self. "Of course! If not toni... later,"--she switched to a different word as the nurses closed in on them--"then definitely tomorrow." She offered the girl a small parting wave, the smile never leaving her face.

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Day 53: Sun Room

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