Day 46: Lunch

[tostepforward.livejournal.com]

The mere fact that she'd been susceptible to whatever hold the Institute had had on her yesterday was sufficient to leave Ayumu both upset and angry - no, not angry, downright furious, both at herself and whoever was responsible for that. But there was also the fact that because of it, she'd lost out on an entire day of work, and in several ways had ruined some of what she'd done already. That little conversation with Himura the day before, for instance, was something she'd sincerely prefer not to remember if she'd had any choice in the matter.

Unless the man was a complete moron, which, unfortunately, was one thing she couldn't believe of him, he had to have realized just who her brother was. After all the effort to keep that fact quiet (not exactly a secret, but certainly not advertised; half the Shinsengumi probably never even realized it because there was no reason to) she'd gone and chatted about it with him. Told him all about it, practically painted a bright target around a weakness that shouldn't have existed in the first place.

She'd spent the shift in the Sun Room pretending to sleep, while in truth forcing herself into calm. After years of practice she could shunt away the useless and distracting emotions, focusing only on what was important and needed to be at the forefront of her mind, and by the time the intercom signaled the lunch period she was feeling considerably calmer. The time to silently observe others had, as well, alerted her to something she probably should have noticed earlier: Mello was back. Would her previous objective be reinstated now? He seemed to have far less of a bulletin presence this time, so perhaps not. Still, though, it bore investigating.

None of her thoughts were visible, of course, as she moved through the line, examining the lunch selection somewhat dubiously. Now with the benefit of Yuuko's memories she might recognize the food, but she certainly didn't share the enthusiasm for it that her imaginary self apparently had. Ayumu skipped past that part and settled for the salad bar and some bread, then positioned herself in a place where she could watch both the door and the rest of the room, setting her journal open in front of herself as though planning to write something. There was far too much that she'd missed, too much work to do now.

[for Okita]

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[she-is-ruin.livejournal.com]

Yomi blinked, her silence seemingly an act of consideration. In actuality, she didn’t believe him, but he’d already proven himself a very good liar. At least in comparison to children who were the boys’ physical age in both body and mind.

“Fit,” she repeated in a murmur. Her own expression didn’t change. “Because you saw I was acting differently, myself?” What had happened wasn’t stunning, no, but the story wasn’t terribly believable. It was there that she smiled. “So you wanted us back to our old selves, huh? You didn’t think that would drive us insane beyond repair?” There was humor in her words.

[purgatio]

Insane beyond repair seemed a pretty turn of phrase; caught between impressions and inspiration. But lost and lacking, one seemed to falter. Words were mistaken, actions circumvented. Logic flew, like it had never been there. Perhaps it never was.

An emptied out shell, wide-eyed and hopefully wild, the boy was led from one sibling to the other, and none of it was realized--actual-- Nothing was touched before nothing was there. This would pass. This would pass. Time would move on, after all, like it already had, and he, too, would....

Placed next to Nigredo, Albedo gazed dully at Yomi for a moment, then slumped forward to lay his head on the table. The material was cool against his cheek. Through everything, this was felt, and held onto. Something cool to soothe the burn flicking at the charred edges of his insides. One heartbeat, two. How ironic it had became. They had never been in step, and now that distance was felt even greater.

This thought was a shudder, and Albedo's mind stilled.

[falseblack]

There was a pause, a consideration in step. "Is that so different," he started after a moment, "from living someone else's lie?" Because beyond the superficial facts, Nigredo could see no distinction. Both were, in his objective view, a death. One vastly preferred to the other, perhaps.

Perhaps.

Before any elaboration could be thrown out, a body fell to the place beside him. The younger raised his eyes to Albedo, his countenance practically reeking of a kind of concern. A concern that extended beyond his brother's well-being, enough for his stomach to twist in anxiety, as he understood the reason was much more than simple exhaustion.

Yomi was temporarily forgotten. "Albedo?" A hand crept forward to brush against the other boy's limping arm. His mind remained as it was--contained. Nigredo knew better than to overtake with this state.

[she-is-ruin.livejournal.com]

It was a question Yomi didn’t need to reflect on. “Yes,” she said simply. But her smile was broad, dark, and clearly amused rather than disapproving of Nigredo’s way of thinking. “But only because I saw an alternate side to things once. Otherwise, I won’t chide you. You’re quite the snake in the grass, and I’ve got nothing against that.” Her blithe tone left little to the imagination.

The boy she’d met first, the boy she’d made origami for, his actions were one thing… but Nigredo was not like his brother. She could see that. The former was a threat that a person could see coming… but the latter was a quiet menace. Two-faced and well hidden. And if he didn’t agree? Well, that was even better! The ones who weren’t conscious of how monstrous they could be deserved a kind of applause, in her opinion.

Had things gone a different way, he could have just as easily condemned her and the other man to death for his own reasons. Yomi could forgive it, though. No harm, no foul, as she’d said. Having spent most of her life blind to one in her own house, sweet things that stung were interesting to her now.

And when the dazed Albedo was fittingly deposited at the table, she watched, finding little to be surprised about, and therefore little to comment on. The sight of him did made the sesshouseki flutter, pleased. He looked awful. She wasn’t the only one suffering. On the other hand, Albedo looked his age, and children were always more fragile in a way. The two of them were a lot of things, but they were ultimately young. She sat back, impatiently wondering if they were going to get anywhere at all, or if she was better off putting a hold on things for another day.

[purgatio]

Nothing. One could have been talking to wood, or a bird, or a song, or a abstract idea. This was pulling into oneself, this was denying life; this was something, but mostly nothing, and where the boy was was where he was not. It made sense in a way the time before hadn't--had. Sense. Right. Not anymore. That seemed to be lacking.

Belatedly, something recognized a word; something that was attributed to him. A brush against skin seemed too severe a sensation. His flesh felt raw and wounded. No energy remained to pull away, and the need disappeared as soon as it was felt. It didn't matter. His arm remained where it was, unmoving either way, and he gave no response that anything had passed through to comprehension.

He could become a living doll, to dance with the other puppets, but it seemed too much, to devote yourself to the one who pulled your strings. All of this was easier than words and reasons; fifteen years and kinds of death, and he danced to the tune quite willingly, wishing-- Somehow, no noise came, no sound started, and the rest was silence. And only silence remained.

He breathed evenly in this. He remembered how to breathe.

[falseblack]

Any other day, he might have reacted with defense, hurt sensitivity masked in careful indifference. A stranger could cast Nigredo in a multitude of lights; in the end, they did not know his motives well enough at all. He could take satisfaction in the idea and leave Yomi to her tone.

Nigredo, however, had changed during the course of his stay. To an inconsequential degree when compared to his twelve years, but here, the child could entertain it. What was another honest assessment to the pile? Because really, the only secrets he should keep were from his own blood.

And the one beside him? Likely would agree if he wasn't in such a condition. Which the youngest could no longer set aside. What transpired between the elders had to be dealt with.

"I'm sorry," Nigredo mumbled, eyes still locked on his brother, "but can we continue this discussion later?"

[she-is-ruin.livejournal.com]

The ceiling was rather boring. Plaster, the usual signs of wear. And above it, somewhere there was the blank chapel, stripped of most of its religious pretences. Sort of suited all of them, didn’t it?

She blinked, lazy, then lifted her head to look at the two boys. Yomi didn’t like to be kept waiting. Why did she have to be put on hold like she were the toy one could earn off and on? She didn’t bow to anyone else’s desires anymore (no, not any person’s, not any human’s). These many delays were real downers, and haha, that was a fitting way to put it when Albedo looked like he’d been pumped full of tranquilizers.

Yomi considered Albedo’s snowy head of hair. “You are siblings,” she said thoughtfully, as though in answer to a different question. One broken and one unfaithful. Did that remind her of anything? There was a hush inside her, like the storm’s whispering voices had suddenly fallen into a lull, leaving her suspended, weightless, a moment of infinite potential. Of touching on a feeling without fully grasping it. She sighed, breathing out a part of herself in the process. When she looked at Nigredo, the moment was over. “Fine.” ‘Later’ was not likely to be today. Too late. Later than that would be night… Again, that shiver in her bones, of something she didn’t want to think on, but had to when deciding that she’d be busy tonight. The earliest after that would be… “First thing tomorrow morning. We’ll have breakfast and talk.” Although it was distantly related to a suggestion by way of her acceding tone, it wasn’t really.

With that done, she supposed the polite thing to do would be to give them some privacy if she wasn’t going to act with the same sympathy that Yoshiko had, but she had been here first, and the cafeteria was now overly crowded. She stayed where she was.