damned_institute | DAY 45: Sun Room (Second Shift)

Entry tags:

DAY 45: Sun Room (Second Shift)

There was something fishy going on in the Institute today. All over the bulletin board, people were talking about having "woken up", having been "cured"... and it seemed as though ZEX was one of them. Tanaka wouldn't have recognized the note at all if it hadn't been signed - his wording, his handwriting, even his name had changed - and a part of him still wondered if it had been an imposter, trying to pull the wool over the Captain's allies.

But it'd be easy enough to find out the truth. Whoever it was had agreed to meet him, and Tanaka was waiting for him just outside the cafeteria doors, ready to catch him as he came from breakfast. If "Max" was an imposter, then he'd discover the identity of a hidden enemy. And if he was really ZEX...

...well, he'd have a whole new set of things to worry about.

[for a ~~spoiled rich brat~~ brainwashed Admiral]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Violet didn't resist her face being turned towards the ninja, but her eyes remained firmly looking away from the girl. She found her hand alternately squeezing Sheena's for comfort then guiltily letting go, her fingers spreading out but unable to bring herself to take her hand away. What should she do? What should she say?

"It... it's like waking from a dream," she started. "When you know you're awake but you're not quite awake. When you're on the border of... that is, when you're just between dreaming and waking and the dream still feels so real and you can't quite yet sort out what really happened yesterday or what you dreamed about. It's an odd feeling. It's how I'm feeling." Only now I'm facing another dreamer and not sure if I should wake them. All I know is that I shouldn't to fall asleep again. I want to, but... "I'm a little mixed up today." As opposed to being very mixed up like she had been every day for the past month or more.

Sheena didn't know which bothered her more, the youkai still refusing to look at her or the way she let go of the ninja's hand, as if she was ashamed of her actions.

"A dream," the ninja repeated. She was trying to figure out what all that meant when she noted Yukari wasn't ok. She corrected herself in the middle of talking, changing the customary way she spoke of things and she even stuttered a little. It was like she was floundering and that almost scared Sheena more than Raine's change. She hadn't realized how much she... needed, almost, Yukari to be the way she normally was until then.

Okay, so Yukari was 'a little mixed up'. Sheena was just going to have to help. Somehow.

Her thumb stroked the youkai's cheek. "Yukari... look at me. Please. I know I'm not the world's most comforting woman, but I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere. I can help. I don't know how I can help, but I can. You're," she paused a moment, "important to me. Let me help you find your way through the dreamscape if you feel lost there." She'd be like a lighthouse or something. Damn, her metaphors sucked.

"Please," she repeated, stroking her thumb across the youkai's cheek once more.

Vulnerable as she was feeling right now, so confused, so conflicted, so not in control, so not like Yukari, Violet couldn't help but tremble a little at Sheena's touch, a small thing that called her back to sleep, to dream. The offer, both physical and vocalized, was so tempting, would be so easy to escape into again... the girl's sincere desire to help her made it worse. She knew she meant well, but a guide like that would only lead her deeper into fantasy, not towards reality, the place Violet really needed to go, no matter how harsh a destination that might be. No matter how difficult a journey that would be. And now she needed to take the first step.

"I'm... not sure if you can help." You're making it worse, but she couldn't bring herself to say it aloud. "The place I want to go... isn't the same as the place you want to lead me."

That tremble really made Sheena worry. Something settled in the pit of her stomach, a foreboding feeling that spoke a warning to her, but the ninja paid it little attention. She shifted on the back of the couch, closer to Yukari now, as she hoped that maybe the contact would help.

Sheena just wanted her youkai to be happy - well, as happy as one can get in a ranch like this. Okay, that was a lie. She wanted her youkai to be happy and with her. There was more to the summoner's wish for the pact than a simple desire for power. Though, her resolve wavered a bit, that feeling in her stomach strengthening, when Yukari pretty much said she didn't want what Sheena wanted. Maybe she'd just interpreted that wrong.

"Then lead me, Yukari," Sheena replied with another soft caress. "I don't know what's wrong, but I'll go where I have to if it'll make things ok."

Sheena had reacted better than she had hoped, though that didn't ease her worry any. It did make it a little easier for Violet to take the next step though.

At the stroke of the girl's thumb, Violet brought her hand up to Sheena's, holding it. For a moment, it seemed she just wanted the comfort. But then her fingers wrapped about the other's hand and she gently pulled it away from her cheek, down from her face as she turned about to more fully face her. She met Sheena's gaze with eyes undetermined, but just determined enough to say what she had to say.

"I want for us to be able to leave this place," she said, a hint of desperation touching her voice. "I want to be able to walk out the front door and leave it behind us. I'll lead if you'll follow." She breathed out a little, tensing, faltering, gripping the hand she held a little tighter before she could find the strength to carry on. "I want me to be Violet," she continued, recalling the name she said "Raine" had called her, "and you to be Sara. Then we can finally get out of here."

The ninja's fingers curled around Yukari's when the youkai took it from her face. She didn't like how almost weak those eyes looked when they met hers, Sheena decided as she waited for Yukari to tell her what was on her mind.

The first half of what the youkai said, she understood. She, too, wanted to leave the ranch and get back home. She had a couple words to save, after all, and a giant tree to stop. Taking the mention of the front door as something symbolic instead of literal, Sheena was willing to follow Yukari if the youkai had a plan to get them out. She even nodded at that point, still concerned why Yukari was acting so weird as if she'd lost her self-confidence, squeezing the hand back in encouragement for her to continue. And then she said it, about Violet and Sara, and it didn't make any sense.

The encouraging smile that had been on the ninja's face disappeared and she searched the violet eyes before her. Was this some kind of ploy the youkai was playing with?

"...but we aren't them," Sheena finally replied, confusion in her eyes. "You want us to live a lie just to take the easy way out? I don't understand..."

Violet almost looked away again as the smile fell from Sheena - no, Sara's face and she made that denial. For a moment, her eyes did flick away, but the woman steeled her resolve and brought them back to bear on the girl. Another step.

"But don't you see? There's nothing easy about this," she pleaded. "Easy is pretending we're someone else, that its this place's fault and not our own. Letting go of that and accepting who we really are is the hard part. I want to be Violet. I am Violet. As fun as it was to be Yukari, I just can't afford to dream any longer."

It was so much easier being Yukari. But as long as she pretended she was the youkai, she would never see her family again. And that wasn't something she was willing to give up on just because it would be hard.

Sheena blinked slowly. This wasn't... It didn't make sense. Even with what had happened to Raine, the ninja did not see the parallel between the two instances. As it was, she completely forgot about the morning with Raine, focusing solely on the youkai.

Yukari was right about one thing; this wasn't easy. Sheena was starting to feel like she'd swallowed one of Colette's chakrams with the way that feeling in her stomach seemed to begin to slowly shred her insides.

"I know who I really am. I know who you are," Sheena said. "What is it that's waiting for you that you want so bad you'd give up your identity to get back?"

For every bit of hurt confusion she could see on the girl's face, Violet hurt even more inside. She needed to be strong. No matter how good Sheena's intentions, she couldn't waver, both for her own sake and for Sara's. That was the right thing to do, wasn't it?

"What's waiting for me? My life. My company. My friends. My family," she listed sadly, her eyes dropping down. "My daughter. She visited just a couple days ago, you know? She misses her mommy and all she had to talk to was someone who barely even recognized her. Can you imagine that?" She found herself gripping Sara's hand tightly, wanting to let go of this painful bond but unable to. When she spoke again, it was very quietly. "You have people waiting for you as well, don't you? Your grandfather and that boy you call 'Corrine'... he came to visit you, didn't he? Don't you want to see them?"

Maybe if she could just get Sara to remember, then she would understand what Violet was saying. That would be better for both of them if she could. It would be easier on both of them if she could.

But life's never easy if it's interesting, murmured the voice in the darkness of her mind. Violet ignored it again. She didn't want interesting. She wanted just to have her life back.

My daughter.

With those two words, Sheena went still, her mouth hanging partially open. Yukari had never mentioned being visited by someone. She never mentioned that there was a real or made up daughter. She... Gods, did she just--

Where did that place Sheena? Daughters had fathers. What did this mean in regards to this thing her and Yukari had? Was there ever really anything there, or was it as she'd initially thought - that the ninja was nothing more than a toy to play with and pass the time to stave off boredom. What did she think saying such a thing would do to Sheena? As if the ninja could bare to be some... 'other woman' like she was some kind of whore.

She couldn't nail any of her train of thought down with how it was spiraling, her own hand tightening as she tried to make her mouth work.

'I'd prefer to keep my ninja in one piece.'

"I... I'm not part of that life, am I?" Her words, when they finally came out, were quiet and fragile. "I don't have anyone outside of here. My grandfather is in a coma that I caused. Corrine... he's gone. I... I don't belong anywhere."

'Besides, there are plenty of benefits to being mine.'

Words once spoken to her tumbled amid the ninja's thoughts.

'The pros would be that I'd be invading your privacy because I want to know more about you, following you around because I enjoy being with you and never leaving you alone because I'd hate for you to be lonely.'

Were those all lies?

"S-stop it. Just... stop," Sheena replied, her voice shaking a little as she dropped her eyes. "If this is some kind of cruel ga--" She cut herself off as she felt her insides twist. She knew Yukari was going to end up hurting her, she was positive of it, but this was not how she expected it to happen. Family. Daughter. Daughter.

It took all Violet had not to give up, not to say, "Just kidding~" and pretend it was another of Yukari's selfish games. But even this was something the youkai wouldn't do, since there was nothing amusing about it. Then how irresponsible did that make her, doing something even that fantasy was above? No, it was because she was responsible that she was doing this. That she couldn't stop. That's what she told herself even as she heard the girl beside her breaking apart.

"You... I... well," she said weakly, trying to arrange her thoughts. What would she do with Sara, even if they both regained their senses and left this place? She had always been seen as rather capricious and irresponsible, someone carried away with their success. Moving to Japan, at whim, starting her own business, at whim, adopting an abandoned child, at whim, almost always at Linnea's protest but in the end implicit trust. And she'd proven that trust well founded, she'd proven the others wrong. She had proven both a successful businesswoman and parent (Other than now, she added a little bitterly), but could the same really be said of having a relationship with someone barely more than half her age that she met in a mental institute of all places? Was it even that kind of relationship? She knew that she, or at least Yukari, had enjoyed the girl's company during the day - the dreams were a whole other matter - but there was no reason to think that way of someone she'd known for less than a week. Even if she knew this though, that didn't change how she felt and how much she was hurting right now.

"No, I guess you aren't," she said finally. "Because you have your own family, even if you think otherwise. Corrine's the one who visited you, right? He's the one who told you that your grandfather," is the one who put you in here, "isn't in a coma at all. I'm sure they're both waiting for you." She paused before looking up again at Sara, but now it was the girl who was looking away. "I would like to stay in touch with you once we're out of here though. I really value our relationship and hope we can remain friends despite the circumstances."

Because that's what they were, friends, nothing more, no matter what whimsical fantasies her dreams entertained. She could live with hurting someone this much when she regarded them just as a friend. An acquaintance, really. It wasn't the end of the world if this girl she'd known for a handful of days was hurt by what she had to say, if it was the truth. That's what Violet was telling herself.

"..."

Sheena had been listening for it, yearning for it - that small indication that Yukari was still there underneath 'Violet'. It wasn't done consciously; oh, no, Sheena was far too emotionally distraught to focus on that. With Raine, there had been those small indicators that the half-elf was still there. With this... the youkai... Sheena couldn't find them.

Always quick to jump to conclusions, even more so when she was hurting and wanted to lash out at something instead of breaking apart, she took that lack of Yukari to mean that this was Yukari. She'd finally decided to rid herself of the ninja. She must have grown bored with her, at the very least, or found something else that interested her more. But to concoct this story to do it...

The youkai's capacity for cruelty was far greater than Sheena had ever imagined. And to think, she'd found herself falling for Yukari. The things she would have let the youkai do - give to her - had the time allowed... not to mention the pact. How foolish of Sheena to believe the youkai's honeyed words. How foolish of her to indulge in acts that meant nothing to Yukari. How...

The ninja's eyes snapped up to the violet ones before her. On the surface, a swirling storm of anger were in them, but that was just to cover the pain, the despair, the... loneliness. She was being abandoned again.

"Y-you... How could you?" Her words were shaky and walked the border between anger and pain. "Am I really nothing to you but some kind of... plaything? You're the one that said date first. You're the one that said I was yours. Lies... all lies." She felt like she was going to cry, so she grasped the edge of anger.

"You made me feel wanted, Yukari." Her voice broke a bit on the youkai's name despite the anger that was being shoved through the words. She jerked her hands free from Yukari and they clenched into fists so hard her nails cut into her palms.

"I hate you," Sheena said in a raw tone.

And then, uncaring about the location and who might be around, the ninja's hands darted up to Yukari's face, and then she kissed her. Contrary to what her words had just said, Sheena's lips spoke a very different language. As angry as she was, as hurt as she was, the ninja never was able to deny the things she felt in her heart. It just wasn't right.

Shortly after she claimed the youkai's lips, Sheena felt a wetness on her cheek as a tear slipped free upon the contact.

The anger in Sara's eyes was obvious and startling in its intensity, but Violet didn't turn away. She quietly withstood the storm of words that the girl flung at her, using what strength she still had not to back down. Plaything? Perhaps she- Yukari- no, she had led the girl on, been too teasing, to ambiguous and inconsiderate of the consequences of her actions and how they would affect others. But "date"? "Hers"? Had she ever said anything like that? It sounded familiar, but so did the fragments of dream that spoke of magic and myth as reality. That hadn't actually happened, had it?

"You made me feel wanted."

Violet winced at the word. She knew that "Sheena's" life had been hard, but had Sara's? It didn't make sense to make up a fantasy life that was worse than your real one, so maybe. Or maybe it was just the delusions talking, the girl who couldn't remember that her best friend and only family were waiting for her. But imagined or not, the void Sara felt... had Violet unwittingly filled it? No, not unwittingly; Yukari had meant to do this, for whatever reason. Because she wanted to. Because it amused her. Because she was that irresponsible. Even though she had made the persona, even Violet could hardly understand her motives. But now she had to deal with the consequences.

Finally working up her nerve, Violet made to speak up when the completely unexpected happened: Sara pulled her close and kissed her, passionately.

For a moment, Violet was simply stunned. Then she found her defenses melting, her resolve crumbling and she wanted to give in, to return the kiss that was so surprising and unexpected yet somehow so right. She found her hands coming up to Sheena's shoulders, to pull her closer. Her fingers curled around the ninja...

And then she pushed her away, breaking the kiss. Because this wasn't Sheena, she wasn't a ninja and Violet was not who this girl thought she was. Eyes averted, still holding Sara away from her, she resisted the urge to lick her lips, instead just breathing unsteadily.

"Sheena... Sara... I'm sorry," she gasped between breaths, slowly trying to regain control of her emotions. "But I can't be who you want me to be if I'm to be who I really am."

And then there it was - that trace Sheena had been unknowingly searching for. It was there in that kiss, the moment before the youkai pushed her away almost in fear. Somewhere, the ninja's subconscious had believed finding that bit would make things easier to handle; how wrong she was. The knowledge only served to shred her insides more.

Her right hand trailed down Yukari's cheek to her neck, finally coming to rest on the remnants of the mark Sheena had left on the youkai, far more visible now that the blonde's hair was pulled back. Leaning forward, she spoke into Yukari's ear.

"It doesn't matter what I want; it never has," she said in a quiet voice that trembled. "It's not going to change anything - you'll just be you," her words echoing the other night. "You're just going to be whatever you want to be."

Her voice then dropped so much her next words were barely audible. "In your grand scheme, I am insignificant. Aren't I?"

Fingertips ghosted across the youkai's neck as the ninja removed herself from the couch, instantly feeling the absence of Yukari's body heat. She couldn't stay any longer. She couldn't handle it anymore, so she did what she did best. Sheena ran away from her problem. At least, she thought she did.

How does someone run away from their own heart, anyways?

[to here] (http://community.livejournal.com/damned/750343.html?thread=61275143#t61275143)

There was nothing Violet could say.

That was a lie. But there was nothing that Violet could say and still maintain what little shred of composure she had left. So instead she just sat stock still, unable to look at Sara even as the girl came close and whispered in her ear. She wasn't even hearing the words said, not really, she was concentrating too hard just on not breaking down, not bursting into tears and grabbing the girl, because there was no reason for her to break down over something like this. But somehow, the words Sara said the softest were the one she heard best and after a moment of shock, she turned her gaze back to the girl but already she was getting up, she was leaving and Violet couldn't find her voice to tell her not to go.

Instead the hand reaching for the girl - when had she even raised it? - slowly fell back down to her side. She felt hollow inside. Why? This was someone she barely knew. Yukari would just laugh and accept it as life. Or fix it. But she wasn't the youkai, was she? No, she was just Violet Cloud, ordinary human. And right now? One that was hurting a lot.

Getting up, she quietly asked one of the nurses if she could go back to her room. After securing a promise that Violet would be up again for lunch, the woman agreed and led her out.

Once she was back in her room, Violet flopped down on her bed, burying her face in the pillow. It was only now that Sara's words came to her, that she actually heard them. The accusation that she would just be whatever she wanted to be, regardless of others. It wasn't something she hadn't heard before, and it almost perfectly described her situation. She had pretended to be whatever she wanted to be, regardless of others and that was how she had wound up here. And now she'd hurt someone else as well.

But this was different. This was on the road to recovery, to make up for her past mistakes. This was best for everyone in her life, even Sara. This was for their sakes. For her daughter's sake. Especially for her daughter's sake. If she could hold on to that thought, she could be strong and make it through this. Then she could see Saffron again. She could stay strong for her. She had to stay strong for her.

But right now, just for this moment, she would let herself be weak.

Violet began to cry.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

DAY 45: Sun Room (Second Shift)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

[Moved to F5]