damned_institute | Day 44: Sun Room, Second Shift

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Day 44: Sun Room, Second Shift

[from here]

He really had beat the rush. Suzaku found a chair as close to the corner and as far from the bulletin as he could, and turned it to face the wall before curling up in it. His nurse frowned at him again, but she was still being cooperative, and frankly he didn't care what she had to say in the slightest. He didn't care even if he got sedated. All he cared about was finally having a few moments to himself, to sort out what Euphie's love meant and what the hell Lelouch's problem was.

It felt like he had all the pieces of a puzzle and was just too stupid to figure out how they fit together. What Lelouch had said about Shirley at breakfast and the tone he'd taken with Euphie on the board, Lelouch asking how Suzaku was, Lelouch dying. . . "All we can do is move forward and look out for the ones we care about." Euphie struggling to get out her last words, pain overtaking Suzaku's consciousness while he fought pathetically to carry out Lelouch's order. . . The last couple days, when he'd felt like he was finally figuring this out, seemed so far away now.

There were a couple things that were certain, at least: he hated what Lelouch had done, he always would. But he -- he didn't hate Lelouch, and he hadn't for a while now, and that wasn't going to change. And he didn't have much time, because everyone but Suzaku was terrifyingly mortal. And Lelouch was an idiot, but he still wasn't sure about the how and why of that one yet.

[for the Saucinator]

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Allelujah bared his teeth at her in a feral expression at her insistence at calling him by that hated number. "Everyone deserves a name. Mine was given to me by someone precious and I don't give a damn that the HRL or ESF wants to call me. Why should I take into account what the sadists who tortured children want to call me?" He leaned back on the chair and closed his eyes. If she wanted to attack him now then she could and he'd watch her get sedated this time. "I'm not agreeing to anything while I'm being called by a number." Petty perhaps, but it was important to him.

At least that had prompted a reaction from him. Soma's fists clenched involuntarily, but she didn't move otherwise, the expression on her face turning stony. Everyone deserves a name. Why did that resound with her more than it should have?

It didn't matter, she told herself firmly. It didn't matter at all.

"And why should I care what someone precious named you? You killed those children. Your own brothers and sisters. As if you could possibly care for anyone else!"

She hadn't meant to get into another argument, was vaguely aware that she was rapidly going off course, but it had always been in her nature to get carried away.

He could see that he was getting to her and it was satisfying to see it in a twisted way. He wanted her to react, to acknowledge him in a way that wasn't just violence. He wanted to know that some of what he was saying was affecting her.

A lump stuck in his throat when she dismissed his name, his precious Marie, as though she wasn't her, as though it didn't matter. It stung more than he'd thought possible. "When I was in that place, having my skull cut open, being pumped full of drugs and poisons, I would have given anything to have someone destroy the place, even with me in it," he said quietly. "I thought that every day until I met her and then all I wanted was to survive so that we could meet one day when she'd be able to see me with her own eyes." He looked up, giving her a flat unhappy look. "If I didn't care, then I'd let the world rot and tear itself apart with warfare. If I didn't care, then having a name wouldn't matter."

"What gives you the right to assume what you wanted was what they wanted?" and there was real pain in her voice now, subtle but definitely there, because she didn't want to acknowledge how close she still was to making that--mistake? Was it a mistake, in the end? She didn't know. "How dare you paint it as an act of mercy? They were a threat to you, and if there was someone in there you cared about, she's dead now, collateral damage when you killed everyone else."

The pain was gone now, replaced by blunt disgust. "She gave you a name and you killed her."

"How dare you pretend that there was nothing wrong with what they did, that I don't have reason to despise every last person who I ever encountered in that place," he replied sharply, pushing his hair out of his face so that he could look at her with both eyes. How dare she just believe that he should have died without fighting, that he didn't have as much right to exist as anyone else.

The next words made him narrow his eyes at her, still seeing no sign of recognition or memory in her eyes. "I didn't kill her," he said coldly. "She wasn't there when I destroyed that place. They were the ones who killed her long after I escaped." Because she was dead wasn't she? His Marie was gone and this woman was in her place.

"They were alive," she said fiercely, gold eyes blazing, "and they would have fought tooth and nail to stay as alive as you are now!"

No matter, she added silently, how--unethical the HEA might have been. Colonel Smirnov had kept most of the details away from her after the program was shut down, though she remembered the anger in his eyes that day. It had been relatively easy to admit to herself that it was a part of her life to which she didn't want to return, blurry and inexact as her memories of it were--but faced with those same thoughts coming from his mouth, she couldn't help but feel contrary. It was childish of her, and she knew it.

"You don't know that." In the back of her mind, curiosity stirred--who had that girl been, and why had she mattered so much?--but she shut the thought down swiftly. It didn't matter anyway. She was dead.

"So it would be fine for them to do everything they can to stay alive, but not me?" he asked sourly. "Because we're only permitted to exist as long as we obey the orders of the HRL." He sighed softly, shaking his head and feeling suddenly very tired. He hadn't come here to argue, although he should have expected it. They were getting nowhere.

He fixed her with an intent look and shook his head. "I do know that. I know it with some certainty." He dropped his gaze to his lap, fingers twisting. "We didn't come here to argue anyway. You wanted a truce."

Soma said nothing. He was right--he was more than right, he understood what Hinamori and Senna and Teresa didn't, and that was that a peaceful life outside of the HRL was no life at all. And it frustrated and infuriated her, because why did he have to be the only one who saw that? He was a murderer and a torturer and a failed experiment, and there was no conceivable reason why he should be winning that argument in the first place.

He was looking at her now, a little oddly, and she turned her gaze away, uncomfortable with it. "I did. I want to know if there's anyone else from 2309 here."

The silence for that moment suggested that he'd hit a nerve but he didn't get any pleasure from it. He knew that he was a murderer, that he'd killed his siblings in cold blood to keep himself alive, but he would do it again if it came to it rather than allow the HRL to make more of them. At least he'd been able to choose what he wanted to do in some small measure.

He bit his lip in response to the question, wondering if he should tell her and how badly things could go if he didn't."2308, they're from 2308," he said quietly.

They--he'd said they. And he knew them, and they hadn't seen fit to post openly on the bulletin board and advertise their presence like she knew all of the aces would, which only left one option.

"Celestial Being, then." She didn't wait for a response; she knew what the answer would be. It wasn't fair at all, how all of her friends here seemed to have people they could trust from home and she already knew she was outnumbered. But she'd never been one to dwell on that. "How many of you are there?"

"Yes," Allelujah replied with a faint smile. There was no use hiding it when she'd already figured out that they were his people and not from the Earth Forces. It wasn't as though she had any chance of picking them out of a crowd either. He was the only one that she could recognise on sight. He hoped so at least. He spoke to enough people during the day at least that she might have trouble picking the others out from everyone else.

"Enough. They won't come after you. We're more interested in getting out of here. why do you need to know?"

"If you were outnumbered here, you'd want to know by how much as well." Soma eyed him, distrust and dislike still clearly evident on her face. "The truce extends to them as well unless they make the first move. I don't see a point in continuing the conflict until we return to our own world."

This was infuriating and irritating and a great deal of other emotions she couldn't find words for, but she knew it was necessary. She couldn't be watching her back all the time; Alle - E-0057 was evidently loath to attack her, but she couldn't honestly say the same for his comrades in arms. Not when she didn't know them.

She had a point, he supposed, but he still didn't like giving away the only advantage that he had, well, besides the people he'd met here. He doubted that Badou would care about his history (he hoped not) and Homura certainly didn't. He had influence as well, commanding one of the clubs. Should he tell her how many there were? "If we have a truce, then it doesn't matter how many of us there are. They aren't interested in fighting you here. As you said, we have more important things to thing about here." Like staying alive and as uninjured as possible.

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Day 44: Sun Room, Second Shift

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