damned_institute | Night 43: F1-10 Hall

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Night 43: F1-10 Hall

Breaking down the bed frame after she'd eaten some of her meal had given Teresa something to do while she waited for the night time phenomena to arrive. Having not been conscious when it occurred the previous night, she was curious. She was not disappointed. The overhead words were certainly something different.

As the door opened, Teresa finished wrapping shredded bedding around the bottom portion of the six foot long metal bar that had once been a main side support of the bed's frame. It wasn't good quality metal by any means, but it was better than nothing. At least, she didn't think it'd break the first time she hit something with it given her reduced strength. As she hefted the weapon, she swung it around to get a feel and decided that it would do for now. Should she manage to find the right kind of stone or a file, she could even work a rough edge onto it.

A few more strips of cloth and the hybrid tied the makeshift weapon across her back, the 'hilt' sticking a foot and a half above her shoulders, and fashioned the cloth so she could pull on the knot by her right shoulder for a quick release. That done, Teresa took her flashlight and exited the room.

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Kagura's body stiffened, and her eyes drifted away from Yomi's face, unable to maintain eye contact. That time in the forest still haunted Kagura to this day, eating away at her mind and soul. That one memory embodied her greatest regret, but those words Yomi had said in the end were also Kagura's greatest treasure, giving her the will to try and move forward in life. No matter what Yomi did, Kagura would continue to believe in those words of love, but that wasn't what Yomi wanted to know. Where to start? There was too much to cover, so Kagura would give her the abridged version.

"A few years after that, all the sesshouseki were gathered together by the countermeasure department and the Jugondo, a criminal syndicate of mystics. We were all being manipulated by Mitogawa, but he died later on." The dark, vengeful part of Kagura was disappointed she hadn't been the one to end his miserable life, but that voice was merely a whisper among the wails of despair she felt back then.

"We fought for control of the sesshouseki," Kagura said, absentmindedly staring at Yomi's chest. Kagura's fingers fell from Yomi's face and landed on her shoulder. Her mind was neither there nor here but somewhere in between the past and present, trying to escape from everything. "It was a difficult fight, but in the end, I won, and the sesshouseki summoned the Kyuubi, the source of its powers."

Her voice began to choke up, and her eyes burned. "The Kyuubi's endless yoryoku flowed into me, and by using the Kyuubi's godlike power, I was... I was able to resurrect you."

How ironic. She'd prayed and begged God for a miracle, but in the end, it was the Devil who granted her wish.

"Protect the world..." Kagura echoed the words, but they rang hollow in her ears. Yomi and father had taught Kagura that was her duty, but it was far from her true desire. Kagura wasn't as pure as Yomi thought. Bitterness and regret swelled within her heart. "Back in the woods... after I finished things... I threw myself into work, several years of meaningless exorcisms, because I didn't want to stop and think of anything, or else I'd realize..."

This time she looked up at Yomi, two rivers of tears streaming down the sides of her face. She couldn't hold back anymore. Seeing Yomi. Touching Yomi. Just being with Yomi was all too much for Kagura to handle. "I don't need a world without you. If that was the price we had to pay to preserve the natural order then the world should just disappear!"

Her hand shook as it grasped Yomi's shoulder like a lifeline within the emotional whirlpool Kagura was going through. This was the secret Kagura had kept buried deep in her heart since Yomi's death. She had never told anyone. Not Iwahata-san. Not Nori-chan. Not Kensuke-kun. But now she had told Yomi. Everything was out in the open, and Kagura wondered what Yomi thought about it.

So close, Kagura's pain was all the more apparent. So much pain. More than when Yomi had known her, deeper. Wounds that bled harder.

How much do you hurt, Kagura? How much did I hurt you?

Yomi's eyes stayed fixed on the other's face while she talked, describing events Yomi didn't know. Mitogawa had finally met his end, had he? She bet he'd been pleased to have had the sesshouseki brought together. Had that been his plan after she'd... Before?

And in the end, the nine-tailed fox had been summoned, like in the legends...?

A flicker of something passed through Yomi's eyes at the word resurrection. The sesshouseki was a warm purr, but a feeling of cold struck her deep in the core of her soul, only adding to the storm. No... No, Kagura, no. Broken. This girl was so broken; the sesshouseki could recognize it, too, as it could recognize weakness in everyone. Was this really what happened in the future? Kagura didn't let go... Bringing her back to life, no! Meaningless exorcisms, no! What was this Yomi was hearing?

All for Yomi? That was...

The world should just disappear! Why? Why the same sentiment Yomi had felt? The same sentiment the sesshouseki had preyed on? Her failure, the cause of all those deaths, brought about by her hand? Yomi hadn't needed a world that had taken her loved ones away from her, and it'd resulted in... Sorrow, desperation, all led to hate. Hate led to... Hate led to the monster Yomi had become. Hate was the Kyuubi's lifeblood.

Pain struck Yomi; she grit her teeth, head bowed. Her own hands snapped up, clasping at Kagura's shoulders with brutal strength. And the stone that'd lurked in her body for so long began to come into sight on her forehead, a nightmare given form. Its light was sinister. "Kagura..." she bit out. There was too much for the sesshouseki to keep at bay. Yomi's fingers clenched tighter. "You're still Kagura, aren't you...? I can feel... that power in you." Such a malignant power. Corrupting and destroying, a thousand times worse than what Yomi held in her. Kagura hadn't...? Kagura wasn't...?

The idea that Kagura had used that unimaginable source of evil, had turned to it like Yomi had...

Kagura couldn't do that!

The sight of the evil stone sent an involuntary shiver down Kagura's spine, calling out to something primal deep within her - the Kyuubi. The malevolent fox craved the stone's essence. It was a mere fragment of the Kyuubi's true power, barely a fraction, but it belonged to the evil creature, and that's all the reason it needed to reclaim the stone. In order to that, the Kyuubi would need to warp its host's desire into something else, something to suit its needs.

In her mind's eye, Kagura saw herself standing over Yomi - a hole in the head, clothes shredded, and body ravaged with lacerations - while holding the sesshouseki in her bloodstained hand like a trophy. This Yomi was wrong. She wasn't the ideal Yomi that Kagura had wished for. She was a mistake. Kagura had made a mistake when reviving her. She had allowed the sesshouseki to take hold of her beloved sister, but no matter, all she had to do was remake Yomi, again. She had the power of a god at her fingertips; she just needed to give in. Kagura could control it if she tried; she was certain of it.

The pain on Kagura's shoulders barely registered. Instead, Kagura's hand involuntarily slowly crept towards the sesshouseki. If Yomi looked up she would have seen the Kyuubi's yoryoku blotting Kagura's eyes black, and her now golden pupils turning into slits, taking on a feral look. Her tongue lasciviously snaked out to lick her lips. TAKE IT... RIP IT OUT... THAT THING IS YOURS... OURS... SHE IS OURS... DO AS YOU PLEASE... DEVOUR HER... DESTROY HER...

Lust, possessiveness, obsession, power, and a host of other dark emotions that Kagura couldn't even begin to name corrupted her core, transforming her pure desire into something wanton. Kagura's fingers inched towards its target, her eyes dead, but at the last moment her fingers violently twisted, like something was trying to break free from the inside.

NO! Kagura tried wrestling her mind free from the Kyuubi's influence, and it was working. In the past, she had barely resisted the Kyuubi's call for a moment before ultimately succumbing to its overwhelming power, but things were different now. This place dampened her powers, including the Kyuubi's hold over her. What used to be a crowd of twisted voices was a mere devil's whisper now. In comparison to fighting a god in all its unholy might, this was child's play. The god was still there, but it was impotent, cut off from its full strength. Even then, this was a million times worse than what the sesshouseki used to do to her. I won't let you have her. I won't let you have Yomi!

Using a burst of mental power, Kagura took hold of the connection with the sesshouseki. Instead of evil intent, she poured her feelings towards Yomi in an attempt to sooth her. In place of hate, rage, and selfishness, warm feelings like love, care, and kindness poured through.

As Kagura controlled her ragged breathing, she tried to speak, to help them both regain some resemblance of control.

"It's... me... It's still... me... Yomi... Don't worry." Pain speared through her spine, like an electric shock, but Kagura largely ignored it, having felt worse many times in the past. She wouldn't give into the beast's mad cravings. "I almost gave in once, but one of my comrades pulled me back. It was terrible. So many people were hurt. That's why I resolved to never give in to this power ever again."

Her hand that had been reaching towards Yomi's forehead changed directions, snaking around Yomi's head and pulling her closer. Kagura laid Yomi's head on her shoulder and wrapped her other hand around Yomi's back, trying to comfort her. Kagura didn't know if she could ease Yomi's pain, but she'd do her damnedest to try.

"I love you, Yomi. That will never change," Kagura said, chastely kissing the side of the other girl's exposed neck.

"I'll never abandon you again. This time, I'll protect you." If she had to go up against the world, then so be it. Kagura would protect Yomi from the world, even herself if need be. Kagura had made a mistake in the past, but after living two years of hell without Yomi, Kagura was different. Now, she could accept everything about Yomi. The murder of Mei was inconsequential compared to Kagura's feelings for Yomi.

Yomi didn't look up, something wet beginning to cling to her lashes, but she could feel the change, like warm to cold, dark to light. The jaws of death coming to close around her again. She could feel it, and did nothing to stop it.

Kagura... This is Kagura? This is how she will be? This opposition? This...?

She found she couldn't relax her bruising hold, even if her body was more hers than otherwise, a miracle in itself. At the sound of Kagura's ragged voice, the confession that this wicked power had spun out of control to shed blood, she squeezed her eyes shut in a wince.

Not this. Never this.

A tremble went through Yomi at the affection, and her grip tightened more so for a split second before she lifted her head. There were so many things she couldn't grasp, so many things she couldn't understand, but all incarnations of Kagura, Yomi loved. But those weren't the words that left her mouth next. Moments of true consciousness brought on a spectrum of emotions, but there, at that time, embraced with this grown girl that had seemingly shed her old skin, the strongest feeling of all was desperation. Immediate, suffocating desperation.

"No," came the whisper. The look in violet eyes was pained, but fierce. And then: "No, Kagura... you can't. You can't think of me like this..." Yomi over the world, and the Kyuubi burrowing into the dear, sweet little sister she'd known? No, that couldn't happen. And that sort of wish... "I don't want this." Her voice kept rising. "I don't want this! I'm already dead! I died a long time ago, and you're still--"

Her voice broke, just before a tear broke free and slid down her cheek. Still, the final word that left her was clear and unwavering, despite its quietness.

"No."

"Yomi... I couldn't... I can't help it. I-I didn't... I couldn't control the Kyuubi's power. There was too much... It... knew everything... everything I ever wanted and wished for and then..." Kagura said, struggling to explain and apologize to Yomi.

Reviving Yomi had been a cruel and selfish, albeit unconscious, act on Kagura's part. When the Kyuubi had enticed her, a demon's seductive whisper willing to grant her greatest wish, it had been too much for the poor, fragile girl. For all Kagura's strengths, Yomi was her greatest weakness. She would do anything for her sister.

"I know... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry Yomi," Kagura said while choking back sobs, but the words were empty. Despite the pain it caused them both, a part of Kagura couldn't have been happier embracing Yomi.

Deep down, a part of Kagura had known all along that Yomi might have been at peace, but she couldn't bring herself to truly believe it, not with how things ended between them. Living without Yomi had been so painful, so lonely. After that time in the forest, Kagura had even entertained thoughts of suicide, but her duty as an exorcist gave her a sense of purpose, in order to live on. It had been the last thing Yomi and her father had given Kagura, the last thing that connected her to them. Sure there was Kensuke-kun and the others, but no one could fill the void that was Yomi in Kagura's heart.

"I wished for so long that I could do something, anything to make this right, but..." Despite Kagura's pure and selfless intentions, the truth was that nothing she did would ever make things right between them. Kagura blamed Mitogawa, the sesshouseki, but most of all, herself for Yomi's tragic end. If only she had accepted Yomi that day, things would have been different. Kagura didn't know how, but it probably would have been better than this.

"Please Yomi... Tell me what I can do... for you... for us..." Tears trickled down from Kagura's face and landed on Yomi's shirt. There was nothing more she could say. Kagura couldn't turn back the clock. Even if Yomi didn't want this, she was here, now, and all Kagura could do was be there for the other girl, sesshouseki or not.

This place was too cruel, showing Yomi this glimpse of the future, while they stood there in the dark, illuminated by the sesshouseki's unholy glow. Kagura, Yomi's age now... And despairingly, all the fragments of sesshouseki giving birth to a monster inside her, one that had apparently ransacked the world she... they... everyone... had fought so hard to protect. Even after Yomi herself had become the threat, still... Yomi would happily die again and again on the green ground of the forest if it would protect Kagura and the world she lived in. That was the truth. That was the truth left to what remained of Yomi, and the sesshouseki couldn't deny it.

But this, what was this?

Her hands loosed with a spasm, then they were sliding down to lightly touch Kagura's upper arms on either side of her. "I know, Kagura," she whispered. "I know." She had to say it. If Yomi wasn't able to control one part of the Kyuubi's spirit, what was the full onslaught of the thing itself? Giving into this darkness... there was no forgiveness for it... None. Yomi didn't blame the others for showing her no mercy; she expected it. But Kagura... Yomi couldn't condemn her, not even when she condemned herself.

So she had to say it. Whether or not Kagura was truly sorry for the results.

But...

Reaching up, Yomi took Kagura's hands in hers. And then pulled them off her body so that she could step back, out of their embrace. Her control couldn't last, it never did, but Yomi refused to give into the agony. Not then. She held back her tears in the same way.

"Listen," said Yomi. "I'm glad I got to see you, all grown up. I always wondered. You're a beauty." A smile touched the corner of her mouth, fading slowly like a wilting flower. "But do you know what this place is? It's not real, nothing here is real. If not for it, we wouldn't be here, now. Me, I'm... not from where you're from, Kagura. My time already ended; there's no place for me where you are anymore. I'm from the past." Ah... if Yomi could have done something, done differently, changed things if only so that Kagura hadn't suffered like this... Suffered so much she couldn't let go. Move past. Do what Yomi hadn't.

'What would my father say?' Yomi had always wondered in her secret heart as she'd ruined lives. Well, this what Yomi would say. Words from the dead.

Wasn't that just twisted?

What softness had been in Yomi's words to that point slowly faded bit by bit, like her smile, replaced by sheer gravity. She had to say this, too, and Kagura had to hear it. "And that's why there's nothing to be done. Neither of us can change that. I can't go back to the way I was, and I don't think you can either, can you? This stone wants to be part of the Kyuubi--it doesn't matter that it's from a different place. And I won't burden you with it. This sesshouseki will stay with me until one of us leaves." If the option was to die (an end again, finally) by Kagura's hand and have her take on yet another... then Yomi would keep it. She'd keep it. "For that purpose..."

Yomi let go of Kagura and took another step back. She didn't invite any advances.

"Don't come after me anymore, Kagura."

You know I love you the most, right?

"Yomi, I..." Yomi's appraisal of her appearance flattered Kagura, but the following words nearly broke her heart, almost as much as Yomi's actions. When Yomi pulled her hands away, Kagura felt as if she had been slapped. Her breath became ragged, and her heartbeat began to beat irregularly. No no no! This wasn't how it was supposed to go. This isn't what I wanted. I just wanted... I just wanted Yomi to be happy... Staggering forward, she fumbled for Yomi's hand, trying to pull her back, make her see... something. This was all wrong.

"That's not true!" Kagura screamed. She was losing Yomi. No no no! Why couldn't she have the right answers? Sensing that Yomi was drifting away, Kagura racked her mind for something. Everything Yomi said was true, supported by logic and genuine concern, but Kagura couldn't do the same. The inarticulate words that spilled from her mouth were a desperate plea straight from the heart. "This is real. I'm here. You're here. Right now. Please Yomi... Please..." Don't leave me... Don't abandon me... not again...

Then Yomi dropped a bombshell, or at least, that's what it felt like to Kagura. Don't come after me anymore, Kagura. That was when Kagura knew it was over. How could she possibly answer that? She couldn't. Kagura remained silent, because a reply meant acceptance of Yomi's choice, and Kagura couldn't bring herself to accept it, not yet, probably ever.

There was only one thing left to do - let go. Kagura let go because that was what Yomi asked for, and Kagura wanted to respect Yomi's wishes, no matter how much it hurt. Even if her heart felt like it was being ripped to shreds.

With the fight leaving her body, Kagura's outstretched hand slackened, dropping to her side. Standing there like a lifeless doll, she continued to cry. Her eyes were glassy, empty voids, spilling over with despair.

Being in touch with the ghost of her heart again almost hurt more than what she did and felt while under the sesshouseki's influence. Those old hurts... those old demons... they broke open and bled inside her as much as Kagura's, wounds that would remain for the rest of one's life. Once, Yomi had been abandoned, feelings denied, left alone crying with the whisper of temptation at her ear...

But still, Yomi didn't move back. This wasn't the same situation.

Kagura, this older Kagura, wanted... Something Yomi couldn't give. Couldn't be. Not in the reality she knew, not in the one this familiar, unknowable sister knew, not in any reality. Not truthfully. Yomi wished, and wanted, and dreamt, had done all of those things, but understanding the desire to change the impossible didn't mean she would play into Kagura's wishes or into the Institute's bittersweet lies. She wouldn't do that again! And she wouldn't let Kagura!

It's true, don't fool yourself. (Don't do what I did.) Please let me go. (Because I need to do the same.)

In the darkened corridor, with her face left in shadow by a retreating sesshouseki, Yomi stood. Would she never again see a part of her life that wasn't twisted beyond recognition? The Kagura she remembered? Yomi felt her position so clearly in that moment, how unnatural and unchanging she was, a never-ending torment to the ones she wanted to hurt least of all. She was the subject of those tears, and the cause of them. She was a memory that wouldn't let the others mourn.

She didn't have the right to start weeping now.

Barely above a whisper, she said, "Cry as long as you need this time." And then Yomi was moving around Kagura, heading out of the hallway, out of the cell block. Away. Kagura could try to pursue, but Yomi would be long gone when she tried.

_{[to here (http://community.livejournal.com/damned/698992.html?thread=58580848#t58580848)]}

"Yomi..." Kagura finally choked out, after the other girl gone. Kagura had merely stood by and watched, powerless to stop her, but then again, Yomi had always been in control of their relationship.

She didn't know how long she just stood there, but Kagura finally wandered down the hall. Yomi said not to come after her, but even Kagura didn't know if she was trying to follow Yomi or not. Her mind was such a complete mess that forming a coherent thought was impossible. Only the pain was was tangible, thick like mud.

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Night 43: F1-10 Hall

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