Dean Winchester || SUPERNATURAL (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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damned_institute2009-04-17 01:16 pm
kindalikedit) wrote in damned_institute2009-04-17 01:16 pm
Entry tags:
Nightshift 40 - M31-M40 Hallway
[From here]
Dean's flashlight flickered as he focused it on the room's door. M31. He had a winner. Normally he'd just let himself in - either by picking the door or kicking it down - but for some reason he didn't. Instead Dean knocked, rapping the door with his knuckles and waiting to be let in. Standing here felt good - he was supposed to be here and, his new-found confidence told him, he'd report. To who and for what? Dean didn't remember quite yet but it didn't seem to bother him at all as he waited outside in the dark, keeping an eye and ear out for anything that went bump in the night and needed to get bumped back. All the aches and pains from the last couple of nights here ceased to bother him as much as they had earlier: the cuts, the bruises, the bandages, everything took a backseat to getting into M31 and answering that compulsion.
Dean's flashlight flickered as he focused it on the room's door. M31. He had a winner. Normally he'd just let himself in - either by picking the door or kicking it down - but for some reason he didn't. Instead Dean knocked, rapping the door with his knuckles and waiting to be let in. Standing here felt good - he was supposed to be here and, his new-found confidence told him, he'd report. To who and for what? Dean didn't remember quite yet but it didn't seem to bother him at all as he waited outside in the dark, keeping an eye and ear out for anything that went bump in the night and needed to get bumped back. All the aches and pains from the last couple of nights here ceased to bother him as much as they had earlier: the cuts, the bruises, the bandages, everything took a backseat to getting into M31 and answering that compulsion.
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He let out a small sigh and somehow resisted the urge to tip his head against Suzaku's shoulder, instead opening his eyes again and examining his knight's expression. Idiot. He should have realized that most of his perceptions of Lelouch were ones that had been encouraged, or at least ones that he hadn't quite gotten around to trying to dispel until now. Shouldn't that be enough to keep him from beating himself up over this? Not that it was surprising, coming from someone who'd mastered the art of self-flagellation, but that didn't stop it from being utterly ridiculous.
"Stop it," he muttered, lightly touching Suzaku's cheek to make him to look at him and not the gashes on his shoulders. "I thought I made it clear to you that I don't like it when you start apologizing like that. Don't make me repeat myself again.
"And don't blame yourself for my actions," Lelouch continued after a long, long pause, his voice barely over a whisper. "Those sins are mine to bear, not yours." Saying as much meant that the chances Suzaku would put the rest of puzzle together would be even higher than they had been before, but he had to say something to round it all off. He didn't want to pull away then, either, but when Suzaku couldn't possibly want any form of comfort from him after that, he was loath to force it upon him.
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But the touch was welcome, even if the words couldn't reach the bottom of the well Suzaku had dug for himself. Suzaku didn't know why, exactly, but it was like a reminder that Lelouch trusted him enough to drop all his shields. And maybe it was the realization that behind those shields was a person who looked remarkably similar to Suzaku's old friend. That was the most uncomfortable thing of all, but it didn't change the fact that its physical manifestation eased Suzaku's still-roiling confusion, if only for a moment. So he briefly touched his fingers to the back of Lelouch's hand, offsetting the frown that settled over his features at what Lelouch was saying.
What was Lelouch talking about? If Suzaku had misjudged him, it was his own fault. Not only did he have no idea why Lelouch would even want to take responsibility for that, but it was just wrong to keep Suzaku from bearing his own sins. It was yet another thing that didn't add up, why someone like Lelouch would care at all, let alone go so far for him. Suzaku deserved every piece of blame he could get, and no one could possibly want to take that off his shoulders, especially not someone so pragmatic as Lelouch. And especially not when Lelouch was the one Suzaku had hurt in the first place!
"I want to bear them," he said firmly, sliding his fingers along the back of Lelouch's hand as he pulled away, to show that it wasn't a rejection. He'd cleaned up the blood as best he could, and now the rag formerly known as Lelouch's shirt was covered with it. If the wounds were going to be bandaged, it would have to be something clean, so Suzaku only moved back far enough that he could jerk his own shirt over his head. He immediately grabbed the boxcutter and started shredding the shirt into a couple long pieces, before Lelouch could get the wrong idea and have a seizure.
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He did smile at the hand on the back of his, pleased and just so relieved that Suzaku wasn't recoiling from his very touch. This was the hand that had killed Euphemia, but if his knight wasn't disgusted by it-- it would probably be more accurate to say that he probably just wasn't thinking about it in those terms, but when Lelouch had been given no other real indication that there was hope--
He was being selfish again. Would that never stop? Suzaku hadn't rejected him, but that was a far cry from accepting him as a friend again. This had been exactly the line of thinking Lelouch hadn't wanted himself to give in to, but here he was yet again asking the impossible of someone he had already damaged beyond repair. If he hadn't been afraid of how Suzaku might react, he would have sent him from his room immediately before he could do anything else to hurt either of them, but--
A sudden yelp interrupted his thoughts, and Lelouch realized a second or two late that he had been the one to make that noise because Suzaku was-- was-- "What are you doing?!" Lelouch demanded, processing only that his knight was taking off his shirt and-- idiot, what was he thinking?! "You don't have to-- use the bedsheets or something!" But he was already shredding it and-- god, was he going to keep doing this all night? "I can't believe you," he muttered, the hand that had only just rested on his knight's cheek making an audible slapping sound as he clamped it over one half of his face. Idiot. Imbecile. Dolt. Moron. Fool. The list went on and on, but... really, how could someone be so--?!
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The yelp and ensuing protests, on the other hand, were completely predictable. "What?" Suzaku asked a bit testily. As amusing as they might be sometimes, he would never fully understand what lay behind all of Lelouch's inhibitions. It wasn't like he was nude, just shirtless. And Lelouch was shirtless too, so where was the problem? "Won't you need your bedsheets to sleep on? And it's just a shirt. I'll probably wake up wearing a new one in the morning."
Suzaku eyed Lelouch's wounds consideringly for a minute, suppressing the urge to smirk at the other boy's blush. Then he leaned back in, gently pressing one strip of cloth against the cuts on his right shoulder before nudging Lelouch's arm so he could pass the end underneath. He wrapped it around once more, then tied off the ends and moved on to the next one. It wouldn't hold that well, but he'd made a longer strip that he could wrap around Lelouch's torso and under his arms to help keep the other bandages in place.
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Blushing, frowning, and avoiding eye contact even though this was hardly the first time he'd been shirtless in front of Suzaku or even the first time they'd both been shirtless, Lelouch lowered the hand shielding his face and fervently hoped that this wouldn't take too long. On top of being completely unnecessary, it was perfectly ridiculous that Suzaku should feel the need to go to such lengths to take care of him. This had to be his overprotective side reasserting itself, and with Lelouch's pride still stinging from the way he'd carried him across the recreational field, being fussed over like this was simply unbearable.
"I knew you would make a wonderful nanny," he muttered darkly, trying not to wince as all of the attention being given to his wounds made it more or less impossible to block out the pain anymore. He wished he could lie down, but with Suzaku still working and the fact that he'd probably soak the sheets with blood if he didn't get this taken care of first-- damn it, why did his knight have to know him so well? "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"
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Suzaku continued wrapping the bandage around Lelouch's shoulder, trying to work quickly as it was obvious that all the pressure and tugging was causing him pain. Still, he had to make these fairly tight or Lelouch would keep bleeding everywhere. Up to this point Suzaku had managed to regard the wounds from a clinical perspective in order to concentrate, but now that he was calming down he was starting to realize that there really was entirely too much blood, even on his own hands. Not that he wasn't used to blood, but it was Lelouch's blood. Suzaku could have gone a long while before seeing the blood of someone he cared about again.
He managed to choke down the mild horror enough to finish off the knot and go on to wrap the securing bandage around Lelouch's chest. This time he had to nudge both arms up, leaning even closer to pass the cloth behind Lelouch's back.
"I'm not enjoying seeing you hurt," he murmured as he did so. "But yes, I suppose I have to be a nanny if you're going to keep finding new and interesting ways to hurt yourself." Interesting indeed. They would have never had to deal with the stupid bird in the first place if Lelouch wasn't such a prude, but Suzaku was definitely not about to mention that.
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He shut his eyes again tightly and tried to focus on their mindless bickering instead of his growing nausea, dizziness, and keen awareness of just how comfortable the bed underneath him really was. The pain made it slightly easier to keep his thoughts focused on the present, but when the present hurt so damn much and there was an easy escape just below him...
Another shift in his position made him inhale sharply, bringing him back to the too-small room and the reassuring feeling of Suzaku's arms around him. It wasn't really an embrace, but with how close he was and how much effort staying upright seemed to take, Lelouch didn't feel at all awkward in giving in to that urge from earlier and resting his head on his former best friend's shoulder. There. Now, if the room would just stop spinning for a moment...
"I didn't do it on purpose," he sighed, his eyes still closed. "You're the masochist, not me. Remember?" Again, the question of why that bird hadn't seemed to notice Suzaku at all until he had kicked it-- unless there was more than one type of giant bird roaming the skies? Even if this one did seem to have some of the same tastes. It had probably just decided to go after the less obviously athletic of the two, Lelouch supposed. Then again, he'd never really asked-- they were not talking about this.
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Suzaku also didn't think Lelouch would do something like that purely out of affection. Then again, he might be wrong, because it had already been proven that he couldn't predict a single thing the Prince would do tonight. But he couldn't help worrying that the pain and blood loss was finally getting to Lelouch, especially now that they were no longer arguing and the adrenaline was wearing off. He himself felt vaguely sick for the third time that evening, because his former best friend's blood was on his hands and the air was thick with the smell of it. A smell that drew up memories of bodies everywhere and Euphemia's blood all down his front.
But he banished those thoughts to the back of his mind, because if he started to get agitated it wouldn't help the person he was currently serving. "Lelouch?" he whispered, a sideways glance showing him nothing of Lelouch's face but a glimpse of pale skin hidden behind a mass of dark hair. Too pale, maybe? He couldn't tell. The bit of Lelouch's forehead he could feel against his bare skin felt cold, maybe a little sweaty, but it still wasn't enough to go on. "Don't pass out on me, okay?"
He should hurry up and finish the bandaging so Lelouch could lie down, but he didn't want to jostle the other boy too much. Bringing the ends of the strip of cloth back under Lelouch's arms, Suzaku made sure it felt snugly against the other bandages before worming his hands into the narrow space between their chests. Somehow he managed to pull the cloth tight and tie the ends without dislodging Lelouch's head from his shoulder. "Okay, all done. You should lie down." He placed a steadying hand on Lelouch's back, hoping he'd be able to move without fainting or throwing up or anything.
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"I'm not going to pass out," he said softly, opening his eyes but not yet pulling away. He wanted his best friend back. He wanted to laugh and joke with him without knowing it was all a pretense. He wanted to be able to look at him and not see the anger and resentment reserved for Euphy's killer instead of the warmth meant for an old friend. He wanted to have something that was more than a formal arrangement and would never be taken away or lost like everything else had. He could settle for having Suzaku as a knight, but when they had been so much more before, was it any wonder that he wanted it back now?
Sighing again, he lifted his head and slowly eased onto the bed, keeping his gaze averted just in case Suzaku could somehow know what he was thinking by the way he looked at him. At least there was always the excuse that his knight was shirtless, shameless, and brainless enough to warrant it. "Are you going to stay over again?" he asked, just to make conversation. He didn't want to go to sleep even though he needed it badly by now, but he couldn't say that. "You're too protective. If I didn't know any better, I might even call you obsessed."
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Maybe he was being too protective, but he wasn't going to say that, because he didn't want to stop. "I'll guess I'll stay," he said for the sake of saying something. Might as well continue the pointless conversation when he wasn't sure what else to say to Lelouch right now. Maybe there were other things he should be saying, but he just needed some time to think. To figure out what Lelouch was to him and where to go from here. And he didn't even want to touch the subject of what he might be to Lelouch, because as masochistic as he might be sometimes, instinct told him to shy away from more of that same pain just now.
"That way I can perform all my nanny duties," he added lightly, pulling one of the sheets over Lelouch's body. "Like tucking you in -- didn't I say I might do that?" He made a great show of tucking the sheet in against Lelouch's sides, cruelly taking advantage of the fact that the other boy couldn't move much at the moment. It kept him safe from any potentially-dangerous flailing. "I could even tell you a bedtime story if you want." He was going to catch hell for this, but it was just too funny, and maybe he wasn't quite in his right mind after the emotionally draining night.
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"Have you forgotten what I said about special treatment already?" he asked, fully aware that it was underhanded of him to turn to that when the purposes behind saying it initially were completely obsolete by now. Suzaku didn't know that, though, and with how impossible it seemed to be for him to take anything related to the "nanny" insult seriously (when had it even become a joke?), he probably wouldn't read too far into it. "Stop it, Suzaku. That's an order." One that would also effectively kill any chances there were that they might keep talking, but if this was what he wanted to fixate on, Lelouch would be all too happy to end things there.
He also couldn't help but notice that Suzaku had avoided addressing his comment about how overprotective he was being, but that probably just meant that he couldn't think of an adequate retort for it. There were other possible explanations, of course, but when all of them were absolutely ridiculous, they didn't bear thinking on. They bore even less when Lelouch needed to at least pretend he wasn't interested in cultivating their friendship again. Suzaku couldn't know about that, not when he would only find some way to blame it on himself. His eagerness to do so with other matters was alarming enough; the last thing Lelouch wanted to do was encourage more of it.
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Was Lelouch saying he didn't want to act like this with Suzaku, because he had no interest in friendship anymore? Not that Suzaku had any interest in friendship, but he could deal with a comfortable interaction, especially now when he was still off-balance and dizzy with relief. Lelouch was probably right, they shouldn't be acting like this, and they shouldn't be treating each other like friends. That didn't make the idea any less uncomfortable, for some still-incomprehensible reason. But Lelouch probably didn't mean it that way, he was probably just trying to get Suzaku to back off. That kind of comment would be uncalled-for otherwise. Even if Suzaku shouldn't care whether Lelouch felt that way or not.
Suzaku shoved the thoughts aside, because Lelouch couldn't have meant to say something so cold in response to a little joking around. "Yes, Your Highness," he answered, dropping the sheet and raising his hands to show his compliance. "So. . ." He glanced off to the side. He wasn't quite sure how to make conversation at this point, but thankfully matters of business came to the rescue. "Oh, what do you want me to do tomorrow?"
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"Judging by the lack of response to your bulletin post, I'd say it's time to broaden the scope of your assignment," he said aloud, frowning faintly to himself and hoping that Suzaku would misinterpret it as being in consideration of his current plans were rather than what was said earlier. It was difficult to hide behind another mask now that he'd given up just about all of them, and drained as he was, he couldn't be bothered to make the effort. "See if you can get into contact with the people who have been modifying the radios or trying to make explosives. Needless to say, both would be very useful, but neither group seems to be terribly organized. I haven't had much of an opportunity to look into either yet, though, so I could be wrong. Either way, I'd like you to look into what progress both have made, what materials they need, and so on. I don't expect you'll find much, but it's a start at least."
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"What are you going to be working on, then?" Information, presumably, but Suzaku still felt the need to make conversation, at least until Lelouch made a move to go to sleep. Where to go from here, in terms of how they related to one another, was a complete mystery to Suzaku. He really needed more time to sort this out.
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"I'll be continuing my work on the monster report and trying to finish that timeline I started," he replied, briefly closing his eyes. "I'd also hoped to begin compiling lists of all the supplies the institute has to offer and where to find them, but I don't know if I'll have the time." Meetings every shift and even more projects on the bulletin-- did it never stop? "If I'm able to recruit more people, I'll delegate some of those duties, but I don't know how much successful I'll be. It's much harder to get people to join Lelouch Lamperouge than it is to get them to join Zero."