damned_institute | Day 40: Recreational Field

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Day 40: Recreational Field

Kio's breakfast ended on a much happier note than it had started. However, for once the announcement truly surprised him. He blinked as his nurse came to pick him up. Recreational Field? But.. but if they had a greenhouse, he wanted to go there. The prospect of gardening was a truly liberating one, an island of joy in this hellhole. He thought about going to the Sun Room and lying down, but it occurred to him that he hadn't had proper fresh air since being here. With a cheery goodbye wave to Honey, he followed his torturer outside.

It was much better than he had expected. The sun wasn't too hot (what time of the year were they in, anyway?), so he walked slowly along the walls, fascinated by the size of the field. He wondered if Sou-chan was alright. He hadn't even checked the board. Well, if Soubi wanted to apologize, Kio would be willing to listen. The place was so crisp and clean. He had to think if anyone had ever gone over the walls. What was out there? Freedom? Or a different sort of monster?

Leaning against one of the walls, Kio took as much advantage of the sun as he could. He desperately wanted a lollipop. One was quietly nestled in his pocket, but he would need to wait until the nurses were busy with other patients before he tried anything. Soubi had gone to some trouble to get them, the least he could do was make sure they didn't get confiscated. So with bated breath, Kio waited for a shift in the mood. He was, for once, content. Not happy, but not going crazy either.

[Sou-chan! Team Loveless deploy!]

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Kio didn't seem at all interested in apologising. Stubborn bastard. Soubi had nothing to be sorry for…did he? He wasn’t actually sure. Kio usually told him how to act.

“Aren’t you the least bit sorry for what you did?” he asked, pretty sure that Kio ought to be, regardless of Soubi’s standing on the situation.

Soubi had always wondered what this would be like, losing his friend. And he’d always thought he was better prepared. But there was a strange ache and sicky feeling that he didn’t like. And it was all Kio’s fault. But Kio looked ready to blame Soubi. For what? Having a past?

“I’ve done nothing wrong.”

Sorry? No, he wasn't sorry and he knew it. He was pretty sure Sou-chan knew it as well. Although, as usual, there was nothing that Sou-chan ever did wrong. No, why should he? When he spent the nights away and came back a bloody mess and Kio was there to pick up the pieces? Nothing wrong there either, of course. Juts Kio's wild imagination, like the doctors had written in his file.

"I'm sorry for hurting Ritsuka, yes. Because I didn't mean to lie to him like that. But I'm not sorry for taking that file. I wish you could understand what it felt like, Sou-chan."

Kio kicked at a bit of dirt with his shoe. He didn't want to lose his friend. Back home, sure, he had a few friends, if the giggling cohorts of girls could be called friends. He liked them, they were fun, but none of them was Sou-chan. None of them had the dark, brooding air and the sad look. The faraway gaze. Kio yearned with all his heart to make Sou-chan happy again.

"You never do anything wrong. Ever. I know. Always an excuse. Can you be honest with me? Just once? What's in that file, Sou-chan?"

AT least he was sorry about Ritsuka. That was important. But somehow it didn't make Soubi feel better again.

"You should apologise to him. Face to face," he said, hoping it'd help. Didn't seem to. Again, it'd be good for Ritsuka, but something was missing. Hm, Soubi was begining to suspect his feelings were hurt. Genuinely hurt.

"You stole me file," he frowned. How was he supposed to know or care how that felt? What difference did it make. Was he being smug?

Soubi fulfilled Kio's desires with a sad, far away gaze.

Soubi really hadn't done anything wrong. He should know, he always accepted it when he had and now he was always trying to prove to Ritsuka that he'd done wrong....

"You read it," he said, still a little lost. "It's full of lies. What more do you want me to say? What's in your file?"

"I don't want to, Sou-chan. He said he never wants to see me again. Why should I force him to talk to me when he clearly wants nothing?" Kio sighed. It was all such a mess. He didn't want to blame the boy for anything, nor make him relive the night in question. But there was still the matter of Sou-chan and just how the man felt about the whole business.

"I took it because I knew you would never tell me the truth. I just... I needed the answers, Sou-chan." What more could he say? What more was there to say, anyway? When Soubi brought up the subject of Kio's own file, the man sighed again. A web of lies, with enough truth to make it sting.

"They know enough of me to make up a believable story. A believable history. Something I can almost question. What should I tell you, Sou-chan? What do you want to know?" Kio knew that the truth hurt the most. But sometimes, it also set people free. As free as one could be from the Landel Institute of Joy and Sunshine.

Soubi's glare hardened for a moment. But if his Master said th- Wait.

"Ritsuka's...a child," he said, unsure. That was Kio's line usually. Soubi really had no idea how to handle people and, well, Kio had always been his guide.

"The truth?" he asked, through gritted teeth, forcing back a sigh. "Just tell me exactly what this truth is. I told you about my childhood and what is in that file certainly isn't it. I don't...I don't understand your problem and I won't be sorry for it or agree to letting you believe those disgusting....stories."

Soubi clenched his fists. "I only want to know what you are willing to tell me, Kio," he said, trying to bore the message into his friend's thick skull.

"Yes, Captain Obvious, I know he's a child! Would you be perving on him otherwise?" Kio couldn't understand what Soubi was getting at. Should he just ignore what Ritsuka wanted because he was a child and clearly could not make informed decisions on his own. But then Soubi was mentally 8, which meant he couldn't be trusted by himself, leaving Kio as the only sensible one.

"What I believe is my own issue, Sou-chan. I don't think it is the whole truth, but some things match and I just... I don't know what to make of this whole place. I never meant for anyone to get hurt. Least of all you, Sou-chan."

Kio sighed. "They said my father committed suicide. They said he did it in front of me and my mother rejected me afterwards. That I was a lonely child." Kio scrunched up his hands into fists, nearly crushing the hidden lollies. "They said I... that... that my wife and daughter want me to be here. To get me fixed." Kio looked away. There. He'd said it. "They said that the piercings and tattoo are to express my inner pain. Self-harm."

Soubi almost twitched at the pervert comment. Usually he just let it go, but they were talking about that damn file and....

"He...doesn't always mean what he says. He's very forgiving." Still Soubi sounded unsure, unqualified to say these things. Ritsuka may be a child, but he was Soubi's master and...Soubi really wasn't sure he understood the boy at all sometimes.

"Then forget about it," he urged his friend. It was just a false document, how could it be hurting people like this? "I want it back."

Soubi stayed silent through Kio's explanation of his own file. By the end of it, all he could say was "Wife and daughter?" His lip twitched. Imagine, Kio with a wife and daughter. The rest of it sounded very sad and unlike Kio. But the wife and daughter were just taking the mick.

"I usually respect what others ask of me. Except you. You don't count because you never know what you want." There was a ghost of Kio's old smile playing on his lips. It was all light banter, for all that their conversation was a serious one. Maybe he would find Ritsuka. That would be nice. Seeing the boy again in the fake normality of day, without the fear of being jumped on and munched.

"No. That I cannot give you." It hurt him to say it. But Kio couldn't give that file back. Lies or no lies, it was the closest he had to Sou-chan's past. And he would do anything to keep it. "I'm sorry, Sou-chan. Lies or no lies, I have it now."

Ah, yes, of course he'd find it funny. Did Kio want Soubi to know the truth? Part of him did. But that had been a bit much. Too much for one conversation. "Yeah, Landel does seem to like his jokes. He should know I'm your wife, Sou-chan."

There was the smallest quirk of Soubi's eyebrow. He did too know what he wanted, he just didn't know how to get it was all... Soubi was really quite simple if you took in the whole picture. He wanted to belong, and REALLY belong, without the possibility of being abandoned ever again. Just unconditional love that came from serving a master flawlessly. That was all.

The familiar look was gone in a flash when Kio refused to give the file back. Anger flickered past exhaustion, but exhaustion took the lead again round the next corner and Soubi leaned against the wall before carefully sliding down until he was sitting. He clossed his eyes. Kio was supposed to make things better. Easier.

"I'm taking it back. There's something I need," he told his friend. And he would get it back. Kio was his friend (apparently) but that file was worth something else.

Soubi managed a laugh. "Then why are you so concerned with what's in my file? Why are you so desperate to believe those things?" The actions may have been closer to the truth than Soubi had ever told, but not the meanings.

Kio was getting Sou-chan angry again. This, though, was not much of a surprise and it almost seemed like back home. Except this time Kio wasn't pestering Sou-chan about missing classes or being behind on deadlines or anything like that. This time they were arguing about a file. In a mental hospital which claimed they were both insane. Deluded.

When Soubi sunk to the ground, Kio followed suite. Why not? They were both as miserable as each other, might as well find some comfort in that. Kio put his hand on Sou-chan's shoulder, a weight that spoke of caring and missing him and a need for having him there. "What do you need out of there? I need that file too, Sou-chan. I need it."

"Because I want to believe in something. Even if it's a lie. I don't know why or how I'm here. I don't know who to believe. Those lies? Those are a bridge to a Sou-chan I never met. I don't want you to be this sad. I... I want to make you smile again." Kio sighed and closed his eyes. That had hurt more than he'd expected.

"I need all of it," he stated, plainly. He needed his secrets back, even if they were just shadows of the truth. And...there was that picture. The one of Ritsu could be destroyed with the old file. And then, of course, there was the chance of additional information. Of his visitor and his rather artistic 'self-harm'.

"Why can't you believe in me?" he frowned. Maybe this had something to do with everyone leaving. What was wrong with Soubi...? He wanted to inform Kio that he was making Soubi sad by doing all of this. But it was too self pitying. "Tell me more about your wife," he suggested, smiling. He was tired of fighting and, well, he realised he couldn't argue this one out. He'd just have to take the file back.

"Well, you can't have all of it!" The reply came back quicler and sharper than Kio had intended. He liked being able to talk to Sou-chan again, that much was obvious. But he didn't like being told what to do. As far as he was concerned, the file was now his and until Soubi came clean, it would stay that way.

His friend's words hurt. But he'd caused the hurt himself. One huge never-ending circle of guilt and hurt. Soon they'd cut each other's arms, give themselves 'goffick' names and dye their hair black. He wondered how his nurse would take to it. "I can't believe in me right now. Those things, they're not quite lies. Sou-chan, I just want to go home." It sounded so whiny. So self-pitying. But if he couldn't be honest with himself, then what?

His wife. Heh. She was something special to him, that much was obvious. But just how special wasn't exactly clear, even to him. "Well, apparently we have a daughter together and I'm ignoring them to play to your delusions. It's all such a mess, Sou-chan. I wish they would have something more creative. I mean, apparently I strive to make people happy. Shouldn't I? Is it that wrong?" Kio knew he was lying between his teeth. But it was all he could do to stop himself from blurting out everything.

"At the very least... give me anything that was written since I've been here," he said. Kio would have already read it and...there was nothing suspicious wanting such information.

"We all want to come home," he sighed, closing his eyes. He'd already promised to get Ritsuka and Kio out of here. Perhaps he needed to regain all of his strength and head out during the night. Without Ritsuka. But...he was feeling slightly inferior here. There were stronger people and they hadn't succeeded. Soubi had to at least try... And hope he wasn't killed along the way.

He opened his eyes and looked at Kio. "I'm to blame for your delusions?" Soubi was definitely stealing Kio's file now. He closed his eyes again. "I suppose it depends how you go about it." Wasn't that was Soubi was doing? Trying to keep people happy? Ritsu, Seimei... Ritsuka. He just had to make them happy enough to keep him. And so far, it hadn't worked....

Imagine trying to keep everyone happy. "Hm. Maybe you are crazy."

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Day 40: Recreational Field

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