damned_institute | Day 39: Sun Room [Fourth Shift]

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Day 39: Sun Room [Fourth Shift]

Yue was all too pleased to leave the cafeteria by the time lunch was over, even if he still wasn't satisfied that Fai was properly taking care of himself. It was clear that Touya hadn't accepted the answers he'd been given and intended to find out just what the guardian wasn't telling him, and being watched so closely was beginning to get uncomfortable.

It was clear that the truth would have to come out at some point, especially if they were going to be spending any amount of time together. Avoiding him was entirely out of the question, but at the same time Yue stubbornly refused to consider the idea of just outright telling him about what had happened in the last week. It was a dilemma indeed, and only served to make him even more irritable than ever.

How could he admit any of it? That he was weak and crippled, betrayed and altered by his creator? That he'd almost broken the promise he'd given in exchange for Touya's power? The latter he couldn't help but be reminded of every time he saw this Touya, who had only just gone through it, and would remember it even more clearly.

Fortunately Yukito was staying silent for the moment, although he could feel his other self's disappointment at being unable to speak to Touya so far, and it didn't make him feel any better.

In the midst of all this Yue was rather dismayed to realize that the nurse wanted to lead him to the music room, of all places: that was the room where he'd met the Sakura-who-wasn't-his-Sakura the week before, and needed neither the reminder nor the inevitable noise in that room. He abruptly halted in his tracks and refused to continue on. The nurse seemed initially disappointed, but finally agreed to let him stay in the Sun Room instead; the guardian found a corner in which to stand, arms folded across his chest and lost in his own ~~brooding~~ thoughts.

[for Sokka]

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The moment the third man approached the group, Okita's pen stopped midstroke. The man's appearance had little in common with the Hijikata he knew, but the pen and his mannerisms - the look in his eyes was so much like what he remembered from when he was a child - it hit too close to home. His voice, too, was different. There was all of the gruffness, but without the hints of affection - not that he expected that to show up where Homura was concerned, but Okita could feel a familiar ache building up. He knew this man wasn't Hijikata, he didn't look like him, didn't act like him, didn't sound like him, and yet, in the smallest ways, Okita saw his leader and wanted it to be him instead.

Dropping his gaze, he went back to drawing, wishing that Hijikata hadn't just said he'd stay away from him. Okita wanted to meet this man and see who he really was. He wanted to test him in person to see just how he should react to someone who was and wasn't Hijikata. It made his head hurt to think about parallel worlds.

He was so focused on the conversation across the way that he didn't notice that anyone was approaching him until it was too late. Someone sat down next to him and he jumped slightly, switching the grip on his pen in case this person presented a threat.

"Good afternoon."

He recognized that voice. Glancing up, Okita relaxed a little and set his pen down. The conversation was now forced to the side as he tried to cover up his surprise at seeing Sai again. "Good afternoon, Sai-kun. How are you?"

The ninja once again failed to notice Okita's discomfort, offering a smile that seemed more forced than usual. He glanced to the man's drawing and back again, but decided not to ask about it. The action was more interesting than the outcome.

"So you remember me, Okita-san. I'm glad." He supposed he was glad, anyway. It was just a step above the usual indifference. Sadly, now that he was here he didn't know what else he was supposed to talk about. What were typical conversation starters? How are you? How was your day? Have you killed many monsters since we last met?

Aidou had thrown him off, and this seemed so ridiculous since their conversation hadn't even been all that long. It was something about the matter-of-fact way in which he'd spoken, the sure tone that had Sai feeling rather young all of a sudden. That didn't make any sense either, of course. The boy wasn't any older than he was.

"I'm as well as I can be. What about you?"

"I make it a point not to forget people," Okita replied, smiling right back at Sai. If there was one thing Okita did like about the boy, it was that he smiled the same way Okita did. He just wasn't as skilled at it yet. There was still something unnatural about the brightness in his expression, and Okita wanted to know what lay behind it. For now, however, he'd be nice and let Sai keep up his barriers.

After all, Okita's attention was divided, and at the moment, things weren't going as he'd hoped over at the bulletin. As he'd guessed, Homura and Hijikata were beating heads like a pair of rams. Heiji was trying his best, but things weren't going as smoothly as they could have. And that little fact just made things harder. If Hijikata and Homura had gotten along, then Okita could have dismissed the man as an impostor or a very, very good copy. When they were butting heads like this, though, it was harder to pretend that this wasn't the Hijikata he knew and had sworn to protect and follow.

"I'm doing quite well. Thank you for asking," he lied, with the same conviction as if it had been the truth. Picking up his pen again, he kept sketching out the temple scene he'd begun awhile ago. "What have you been up to lately, hm?"

Okita wasn't the sort of person Sai could pose any of his rather awkward questions to. The man simply didn't know him well enough, friendly as he was. He might need to throw them at Honey, though that still might not be the best option, given the way the boy tended to respond to things. Usopp was probably his best bet - at least out of anyone he'd be seeing in the near future. Otherwise he could hit up Naruto or Sakura (and hope that he didn't get hit again in return with regards to the latter).

"I've been doing..." He paused, frowning, thoughts still everywhere but where they should be, "less than I probably can be doing, Okita-san."

There was something off about Sai's pause. It was like he was thinking of an answer that would be the most vague. And it seemed as if he found it, too. There was something bothering him, but Okita didn't know Sai well enough to figure out what. Okita's pen stopped again and he looked up at Sai, tilting his head to the side.

"Is there something bothering you, Sai-kun?" They didn't know each other well, but sometimes it helped just to have a listening ear. "You can tell me, if you'd like."

"I..." Sai's eyes widened both at the concern, which he should have expected, and his own inability to think up a response. All the while, he tried to keep up the fake smile for no other reason than it was his best defense for troubling situations. The end result was something rather mad looking, which probably best reflected things in the end. "I don't know what to do with myself, Okita-san."

There were so many other people he should be having a break down in front of, if that was indeed what this was. It might have been a long time in coming, what with him holding a tenuous grip on his own sanity since his visitor. What made Aidou's words shake him so much?

He should be helping Naruto and Sakura, and anyone else who'd shown up over the past couple days. If they stuck around, of course. Chances were they'd disappear again. Then if they returned, who was to say they wouldn't forget him again like they had before? Why was he thinking of this?

His hands, sitting on either side of him, clenched the fabric of the sofa. "I-I'm sorry."

Something was definitely wrong. The smile didn't match the look in Sai's eyes and Okkita just waited while the ninja tried to sort things out. It hurt him to have to pull his attention away from the conversation by the bulletin, but right now, the boy before him needed his full support. Even if it seemed like Hijikata was slipping away and Okita felt his protective instincts flaring, he couldn't just get up and leave Sai like this. Okita was a demon, but he wasn't heartless.

"What do you mean, Sai-kun?" he asked, finally turning his full attention to him. Whatever had happened, it had shaken Sai badly enough that the happy mask wasn't working anymore - and that said a lot. "Don't apologize - just say what you need to."

"Ha..." Sai breathed, bowing his head and closing his eyes as he attempted to settle himself. "In ROOT..." he began, voice slightly shaking, "there are no names. There are no feelings... There is no past... there is no future. There is only the mission..."

He turned to glance at the other man again, gaze barely unfocused. "This name... it isn't mine. I've become too attached to it." He swallowed. "There is no mission. Just... running back and forth trying to accomplish something that may not get us anywhere. And..."

One of his hands came up to clench at the fabric of his shirt, much like he'd done when he found himself confronted with his dead brother - apparently not so dead here. "Is it wrong, Okita-san? To want to feel something. I can't dismiss my emotions but I can't understand them. I'm a failure in both regards. Perhaps... Aidou-san was right."

Seeing someone so young have such a crisis of being was painfully familiar. He'd witnessed Tetsu go through the same thing. He'd seen so many of his soldiers do it, too. Each and every one questioned themselves at one point and they always looked to Okita for an answer - which he rarely ever gave them. He had gone through the same thing once, but his path was not for them to walk and he'd always recommended that they find their own way instead. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't and the boy got himself killed on the next patrol. Okita had learned to live with those regrets.

But this time, it was different. Sai was not his subordinate and he was facing something came painfully close to home. He was despairing under the weight of the Institute and beating himself up because of it. Whatever Aidou said, it seemed to have shaken Sai terribly and Okita set his elbows on the table, propping his chin in one hand. "Do you really think he was right? Or is it just easier to go along with what someone else said rather than to find your own answer?" Slipping his gaze over to Homura and Hijikata again, he let the smile disappear from his face entirely. They'd have to learn to deal with each other or Okita would make time to make sure to hit all three men there on the head. Turning his attention back to Sai, he continued. "It isn't wrong to want to feel something. There are days when I wish I could feel things, too. But failure is in giving up in the face of frustration, not in finding yourself running into roadblocks, Sai-kun. You haven't failed your mission or your emotions until you give up trying."

"Trying for what?" Sai glared at the other man now, hands clenched tightly. "What am I trying to be? ROOT, the mission, it's all I've ever known. If I try to become something different, then all of that is gone. I won't be allowed back into the organization if we managed to return home." Would he? Not if he developed his emotions. Danzo already didn't approve of him making friends.

Feelings were a weakness in ROOT. It wasn't all right to want to explore them as long as he was a part of it. He was going against the very fundamental nature of the organization and if continued along that path there wouldn't be an opportunity to turn back. He didn't have any wants. So how did he know what he wanted??

Edited 2009-03-03 01:48 (UTC)

A flash of anger and Okita realized that this boy was closer to Yamazaki than to Tetsu. Talk of missions and whatever ROOT was - Sai had that same determination to prove himself and to complete the task set before him as the young ninja did. Which meant that Okita had no real idea how to buoy him. Ayumu had been the one to deal with Susumu when he'd gotten into depressions over failing missions. It hadn't been Okita's place to step in where family was concerned and, furthermore, Susumu was not under Okita's command - he had belonged to Kondo and Hijikata.

Sai wasn't under his command either, but with the boy right in front of him, it wasn't like he could turn away. There was one thing that Okita didn't like in people though, and that was wavering. He had done it enough when he was a child and he still did now that he was an adult and he hated it. If Hijikata hadn't been there to be his anchor, he would have been adrift forever - and he likely would have lost himself to the horrible monster he had been born as. Sai had an anchor - ROOT - but he no longer seemed to want it anymore. Or really, he was afraid of losing it, but wasn't sure if that was such a bad thing.

"Only you can answer that, Sai-kun," Okita said, watching the meeting at the bulletin again. Whatever was happening there, he hadn't been paying attention and now he wasn't sure if Hijikata was joining or leaving. It pained him to see someone who was so close to being his leader, but Okita had to remember his own promise to himself. He had chosen Homura and his ideals in order to find his way to his Hijikata again. He couldn't let someone who was close but not quite get in the way of that, no matter how much it hurt. "I'll give you one piece of advice though: always looking to what has been as your model of how to move forward is a good way to get stuck in doing nothing." Smiling faintly, he turned his gazed on Sai and handed the drawing of the temple to him. Now it had three unidentified people sitting on the veranda, looking up at the sky. "Just because it's all you've ever known, doesn't mean it's all you have to be."

Sai didn't know what to make of the drawing as it was handed to him. He didn't know the temple and he didn't recognize any of the people sitting in front of it. All the same, it was a gift and he accepted it. When he got back to his room he could find somewhere to place it.

He swallowed, trying to collect himself and take in what Okita had said. It had been very little altogether, but he couldn't expect much more than that. He'd just come up to the man out of the blue looking for answers, which wasn't right of him. The forgotten hand that had been gripping his shirt still fell into his lap and he hung his head. He was better than this.

"I'm sorry," he said again. "I shouldn't have brought this to you. But..." he had to swallow again, "I'll think about what you've said. Truthfully. Thank you."

Okita wished he could have said more. He wished he had answers that would satisfy Sai and the problems that were facing him. They weren't small issues and they would take time to overcome, but that just meant that finding his own way was all that much more important. He smiled a little when Sai took the drawing though, hoping that he'd understand the meaning behind it once he found what he was looking for. Maybe not now, but someday in the future, he'd look at the three people sitting together on the temple porch and he'd realize a deeper meaning in it.

Or perhaps it was just a drawing. That was up to him to decide.

Reaching out, Okita put a hand briefly on Sai's head and smiled warmly at him. "You don't need to apologize, Sai-kun. It's better that you've spoken about it than bottled it all up forever. I'm honored you chose to speak with me about it. I hope you can find what you're looking for."

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Day 39: Sun Room [Fourth Shift]

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