damned_institute | Day 37: Men's Showers

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Day 37: Men's Showers

I wouldn't really call this a locker room. More like a bathroom with lockers. The place was uncomfortably crowded, with almost every adult male patient being hustled into the showers at once, but Phoenix wasn't as annoyed by the claustrophobic, milling throng of bodies as he might have otherwise been. Every extra person was one more person who might end up standing between himself and Edgeworth.

He knew that the prosecutor would have a fit if he found out about this. He'd known since he'd tacked that first response up on the bulletin board. And in a way, he couldn't blame him. Phoenix knew that he jumped into things all-or-nothing more often than most people. At the same time, he had some kind of reality testing. He wasn't going to learn the basics of how to defend himself and suddenly decide that he was Rambo.

He found an unoccupied locker in the southwest corner and glanced around, trying to gauge how long he could possibly stall in a locker room, looking as if he was expecting something, before people started looking at him strangely. It would have been easier if he'd known something of the description of the man he was supposed to be meeting. As it was, all he had was handwriting and a military rank, neither of which guaranteed any particular appearance.

It's not as if there was a better way to plan this, though. "Yeah, meet me by the lockers. I'll be wearing gray and a smiley face, just like about a hundred other guys."

[for Hughes]

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"You're really slowin' down in your old age, dude. Gotta keep it up or you'll get rusty." It was a mystery for the ages how Xigbar, the one who'd gotten socked in the jaw, was nevertheless better off than Luxord, who'd done the punching in question. Either he had a jaw of steel- perhaps from jawing off so often- or he just knew how to hide pain better than the Neophyte. Considering Xigbar, the answer was probably 'Both, plus some other unexplained factor that no one would ever believe.'

Regardless, after Badou unveiled his plan, Xigbar promptly initiated his usual Restrain the Unwilling Technique, one that he'd mastered with Zexion. Namely, he darted around Badou, wrapped an arm around his shoulder, and leaned in close, so the man couldn't punch him as easily. "What's the rush? 'sides, it's great to have a pats- er, dude- to help the process along."

It was obvious that Badou had never learned the most obvious of rules for handling Nobodies... never, ever get involved. Like ferrets, they would drop everything to latch onto something ~~dazzling~~ sparkly. Or squishy.

That must have explained Luxord's attraction to glitter. Speaking of, running a hand through his hair caused a few pieces of the shining substance to fall loose. Had that been there all day and no one told him...? Ah well. His hair was short, meaning it was scrubbed through and rinsed out quickly.

"Forgive me for lacking the need to use my fists," he replied with a roll of the eyes. "I much prefer not getting my hands dirty, thank you very much." Besides, II was all bones and muscle--of course it hurt. Not that he was going to admit that, but the point could be seen in how red his hand was at the moment.

What he was going to do was join the elder Nobody in harassing Badou. Luxord calmly and slowly maneuvered his way to the man's other side while speaking, his normally charming smile sharklike. "And with that creative little mind of yours," this said while moving his hand to run it through that long, red hair, "I'm positive you could imagine something more interesting than the odd insult. You've managed heinous and tactless, thus far; try 'pensive.'"

Ok, so he was effectively trapped between two very scary very naked men without even a bar of soap to defend himself. And one of them was molesting his hair, which would have normally given him some kind of incurable disease except that Badou was clean now, the one time he didn't want to be. This was looking a lot like Tuesday.

Despite knowing that it was going to be futile, Badou tried to struggle free of their hold. "What process? Can't we talk this over? You know, without being that friendly. And with actual words. I mean, you haven't even decided who gets to be on top." So he was going to get raped in the shower and his nicotine patch was peeling and he really could not get sedated before he went to find Artemis or things would get really, really messy. God Badou fucking hated Tuesday.

Chances were that a nurse would be along shortly, much to Xigbar's dismay, but that didn't matter. The look on the dude's face was priceless, and he had to say, it was fun to finally get back into the swing of things with Luxord again. If he were a psychologist- oh wait, he was~!- he'd say that there had to be something screwed up about their relationship. The only time they got along was by ignoring their issues and focusing on something else. Hardly healthy, but then again, they were kinda frozen in place; people without hearts couldn't really change.

But damn if they couldn't make a really good show of it! Xigbar cinched his hold by sliding his other arm around Badou's waist, his own grin sharp and toothy as Luxord's as he taunted, "Heck no, we've already decided that. The answer is, 'Not you,' dude. 'sides, what more is there to talk about?" Of course, it wasn't like he was really going to rape Badou- or was he!?- but playing along with the man's very obvious, very pronounced fear was absolutely hilarious. He hadn't gotten to be horrible to someone in ages~!

If II had asked Luxord about it, he would have told him that was how any relationship worked, on various levels.

"Very true, that." The blond nodded in agreement, wrapping an arm around the man's shoulder more to hide the fact he was trying not to burst out laughing (oh, II. He just didn't know how to quit you) than anything else. "And it is always in the English nature to be kind to your..."conversational" partners. Are you implying I should betray my heritage simply for your benefit? Can't say that is very tolerant of you, now is it?"

If either of them had asked Badou, he would have told them Oprah was a viable option too.

As things were, the Jaws theme had just started playing in his head. Badtouch was imminent. And while just about every other part of Badou's brain had short circuited, his mouth was doing just fine. Probably better than usual without those pesky limitations like 'self-preservation' and 'common sense'.

He had sort of just stopped listening to what they were saying and started humming the Jaws theme because like hell his attention span was going to go that far when Old Man Eyepatch was making him the bitch. "Wha? I don't speak ponce. This really sucks. You're the first fags I've had in five days. I really need a smoke. I dunno if your world has them, but cigarettes. You know, little cylinders full of poison -" He glanced down at Luxord's endowments. "Bigger than Priscilla Jr. down there, usually."

Now that was just promising, and kinda asking for it. Badou was rambling ~~as if~~ and carrying on, and pardon Xigbar for thinking as such, but normally it took a little more effort to discombobulate someone. Either Badou was real out there, or Xigbar was just that good.

However, Badou had left himself ~~spread~~ open, and Xigbar laughed as he leaned in, gazing into the dude's one good eye. "Yeah, we've got 'em. Normally I have mine after, though." The only thing that kept him from moving in was because ~~Priscilla Junior~~ Luxord's assets had been called into question, and the Freeshooter had be be ready to get out of shanking distance at a moment's notice.

...

...

What.

It was not the insult that made the Gambler take a step back and cease his teasing, as X knew he was absolutely perfect in every way and the redhead was obviously jealous. No, it was the fact that a complete stranger had went and named his penis Priscilla. ~~Yes, he could say it. Or think it, as the case may be. It was just a word.~~

That? That was not right.

He wasn't about to take that without giving something in return. The blond crossed his arms over his chest and glared, not amused. "I could, of course, ignore such barbs and continue with this game, but as you are incapable of handling such a foul trick for more than a minute without breaking down into lesser brain functions, I shall find it in myself to release you, though not out of pity or sympathy or any such emotion. I've simply come to terms that you and Mushu do not deserve my attention."

That name would require some backstory, but he wasn't about to give it. II could tell him about the tiny, ineffectual red lizard if he wished.

If Luxord had been paying any attention at all and not being such a woman, he would realized that Badou had not named his penis Priscilla. He'd named it Priscilla Junior, cold water shrinkage notwithstanding.

"I'm not asking for your attention!" Badou shot back, having re-acquired some of his upper brain function with only one person trying to rape him now. He wasn't kidding about the cigarette thing though. He really, really needed a smoke right now. And Xigbar's eye was really yellow. Like a cigarette filter. Almost. Close enough. Mmm Xigbar's eye. Despite the proximity, Badou perked right up at the mention of cigarettes and their existence. "Really? You've got one? And a lighter?"

Never mind that Xigbar probably meant on his world. Badou was having a brief moment of illusory happiness.

And now Luxord was in the 'Rape is a metaphor because normal words like pain and agony just won't cover the amount of hatred I'm going to vent on your sorry ass' phase of the conversation. Which, for Xigbar, was peachy keen; maybe he'd get to see some pain being spread around. He just had to snigger at the 'Mushu' comment, though... it really was appropriate, given the situation.

Still, Xigbar grinned and nodded his head, lying through his teeth and yet sounding amazingly convincing about it. "Nabbed a pack, yeah. Hafta use matches, though; dunno if there are any lighters floating around." In his opinion, working up Badou's hopes and then crushing them would be not just fair for what he'd done to Luxord, but also a heck of a laugh in the bargain.

Luxord's venting would have to wait, as it seemed ol' FireCrotch here had stopped paying attention and was now blissfully staring at II's eye like he was five seconds away from eating it.

...that mental image was simply disturbing and he was going to pretend it never happened.

When Xigbar's lying came into question, however, the Gambler wasted no time joining in. "Ah," he interjected, raising his hand to make an imaginary point, "I've a lighter, do you not recall? Dearest Noah gave it as a gift before he passed." He crossed his arms and tilted his head upwards, as if thinking about it. "Never truly had a use for it, really."

Well, that taught him to shoot his mouth off. Except not. Badou glanced back and forth between them. "Can you spare a light? And a smoke? Come on guys. You don't even want them."

That was why they were still homies, even after everything else. Luxord generally provided a convenient excuse for everything, and Xigbar caught up with it almost immediately. "Huh? ...oh yeah! But I didn't wanna offer that, since it wasn't mine an' all. Still..."

He turned to Badou, tapping his chin and grinning at the other guy. "...if he's fine with giving you the lighter, I can get you a smoke. 'course, you're wrong on that point; I really do want 'em. So you'll hafta gimme something that's worth a smoke to you. Fair's fair, right?"

"It would be fine with me," Luxord agreed with a nod of his head before slinking towards the Second and wrapping an arm around the man's shoulder, "but my friend here is quite right. What have you to offer?"

They were doing that whole shark thing again. What did he have to offer for cigarettes? What did he ever have to offer? Badou really hated this place.

"You can't just help a guy out? Man, you guys are so stingy."

"Sticks 'n' stones, but heck, think about it. We want it just as bad as you would." Which wasn't quite true, but it made their bargaining position better. Xigbar gave a sly smile to Luxord as he felt that arm around his shoulders- really, when did they ever get along unless it was tormenting someone else?- before shifting his gaze back to Badou.

"Won't be cheap, but... I think I've got an idea. Surprised you haven't thought of it later." Accompanied by one long sweep over Badou's body... Xigbar wasn't really interested by Mr. Geologic Strata of Ew, but he was interested in making the guy squirm. So why not~?

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Day 37: Men's Showers

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trufax: this took about ten minutes to type out because I couldn't stop laughing

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