damned_institute | Day 28: Bus 1

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Day 28: Bus 1

Zelgadis was not happy, at all. Not that this was any change, but the events of the past few hours had given him more to angst about than usual. Nightshift had been dreadful: first he was attacked by a small green man and then covered in leeches, neither of which lead to warm fuzzy feelings.

And now this.

When the nurse had come into his room with new clothes he had a small glimmer of hope-- some thief had taken his normal Landel's wear in the night, so perhaps this was a change in luck. However, it was not the godsend he had hoped for. Minus the threat of sedation, there was nothing in the universe that could make Zelgadis wear a bright lemon-yellow shirt. There was a jacket of a slightly more tasteful variety, so Zelgadis made good us of it-- he put all his coupons in a pocket and pulled up the hood. It was almost as good as his cloak. Well, no it wasn't, but it would have to do.

With mild protesting, Zelgadis was lead to a large yellow vehicle. He climbed the stairs, took a seat towards the back, and readied himself for another frustrating day of being attacked and threatened with spoons.

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Rukia didn't look up, but she could feel Byakuya's gaze on her. She licked her lips, opening her mouth to speak.

And nothing seemed like the right thing to say. How could she put this without making him hate her? She just wanted him to approve of her, and that in itself seemed almost unfair. It wasn't like she had ever done anything to deserve his approval, but she had also never asked to be adopted into the Kuchiki Family. How could he have expected anything from her, when she had just been a skinny little mongrel from the outskirts of Rukongai?

And what was she now? Not much better, by her own estimation. She just on a good show sometimes, playing the part of the noble lady.

It just wasn't fair.

Without thinking, Rukia blurted, "Did you love my sister?"

The question was jarring to Byakuya, in a very profound way. Not only how very random it seemed, though that was enough; no, it was also the fact that Rukia's question called up memories both beautiful and painful. Every time he thought of Hisana, it was a battle with that pain; this time, however, the suddenness of it all made the battle just that much harder.

He sighed, and slumped slightly. "...yes," he responded, somewhat diminished. "I loved your sister with all of my being. Nothing less could have caused me to toss away our family's traditions..."

Rukia felt a little dizzy, just for a moment. Why on earth had she asked him a question like that?? She didn't have any right, to pry into his personal life like that. Even though she had lived in the same house as the man for over forty years, Rukia felt like she hardly knew him.

And yet the pain in his voice broke her heart. She loved him as though he were her real brother, and didn't want to hurt him.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I shouldn't ask such things, but," She swallowed, unconsciously fiddling with the zipper of her jacket. "Was... What was she like?" She must have been mad to ask him something like that, but maybe if she was lucky, he hadn't even heard her over the rumble of the bus' engine.

He wasn't sure why, but Byakuya could not bring himself to be angry at Rukia, for pushing the topic. It was difficult to discuss, and yet... it didn't feel wrong. It didn't feel exactly right, either, but it was as close as he had come to it since Hisana had passed.

"She... was a woman of dignity, of surpassing grace and beauty. The estate was a warmer place for her presence..." More detail than that, he could not give. When he attempted to recall the happy days, before Hisana's abrupt passing... his mind always drew him back to that horrible night.

His heart ached at the thoughts, but he couldn't bring himself to force the conversation away; to do so, he felt, would be to dismiss Hisana's influence on his life, and that was something he could never do.

Rukia bowed her head; it was as she'd expected. Her sister had been everything she wasn't: dignified, graceful, beautiful, kind. Anyone who had known Hisana must have seen Rukia as a crude copy.

She was silent for a long moment, afraid that her hurt would be too obvious if she spoke. She had to remind herself, then, that this was not about her. This wasn't "Rukia feels bad for herself" time. She needed to speak with her brother about Renji, and somehow they had started talking about Hisana. In a way, it made sense to Rukia; if Byakuya could love someone, then maybe he could also understand how she felt about his vice captain.

"She must have been wonderful," she said finally. "I wish I could have met her." She dared, then, to glance up at Byakuya, and dared to hope that he would understand. "Was it- was she worth it, even though you were not supposed to love her?" Rukia's hands were shaking.

Was it worth it? Ah, that was the question, wasn't it? But, she had placed the wrong limiter on the question. Whether or not he was supposed to love Hisana never entered his mind, while she was with him; no, the real limiter was, was it worth it, considering their brief time together, and how painful their parting had been?

Still, there could be only one answer. "Yes..." he said, feeling suddenly old. It was as if all of the good days were behind him, and all he could do was look back on them...

But, it was true. His life would never be better than it had once been.

He couldn't go on talking about this... it was simply too painful; instead, he shook his head, and looked over at Rukia. "Was this really what you wanted to speak with me about?"

For a moment, Rukia allowed herself a small measure of hope. But then... Did he really not understand what she was getting at? It seemed like an enough obvious connection.

"Yes and no," she said. "I did not know how to broach the subject with you. I thought," she paused to swallow, her throat dry, "I thought that if you could understand how I feel, then..."

The small part of Byakuya's mind that had been holding on to the hope that the obvious connection was not, in fact, the correct one, began to die. He still did not wish to believe it, of course, but he was finding the denial difficult to maintain.

"Jumping to conclusions is dangerous, Rukia, and I would rather not indulge in it. Tell me what you wish to say," he said firmly. This was it, then. He knew, in his heart, that his increasingly-forced illusions were about to be shattered.

Rukia's shoulders hunched a little more. He sounded mad at her now, and it hurt more than she liked to admit. A small part of her wondered why she craved his approval so much, but she had never let herself dwell on it.

She bit her lip, fingers fisting into the hem of her jacket. "I'm sorry," she said, voice breaking. She shook her head, the words tumbling out. "I don't want to disappoint you, but I'm not worth it. I'm just-- I'm no better than he is. I don't want to make it harder for you, breaking the traditions again, but I can't help it. I can't help how I feel, and I can't be anyone else. I'm sorry," she said, again, leaning over and hiding her face in her hands. Her small frame shook with tension.

That was that, then.

Byakuya was torn, though. To admonish her for her feelings, or to comfort her? Both logical choices, of course. She was his sister, and he did not like seeing her in pain; on the other hand, the situation she found herself in was different from his own. Hisana, like Rukia herself, had been noble long before she had become a noblewoman. She had embodied their strength of character, and moral compass, far better than some who were born aristocrats. Renji, on the other hand...

He was base. Common. Low. A trustworthy man, of course, and an extremely competent lieutenant, but... still. He did not deserve her. And she deserved far better.

The desire to comfort Rukia won out, though. Slowly, awkwardly, he raised one hand, and placed it on her head. Hopefully, she would understand his intent. For the moment, though, he was unsure of what to say.

Rukia actually jumped at the contact, but kept herself from looking up. The last thing she wanted him to see were the tears standing in her eyes. She swallowed hard, using all of her strength to calm down and stop making a fool of herself. At this rate, she was only proving how very unlike Hisana she was. Which wasn't necessarily a bad thing, since perhaps it would make Byakuya understand that she was no better than Renji, but Rukia wanted her brother's affection all the same.

Face hidden by her hair, Rukia tried to inconspicuously wipe her eyes. She sniffled once, quietly, but couldn't stop shaking. After a while, she dared to put her hands in her lap again.

She didn't know what to do now. Byakuya hadn't said anything, and there was no telling what that meant. It seemed that he wasn't angry with her, since he'd offered a comforting gesture, but that was all Rukia could deduce. Not trusting her voice, she remained silent.

After a minute or so, Byakuya returned his hand to his own lap. What he was about to say would doubtless hurt Rukia further; but, it must be said. He had to protect her, as he had failed to before... even if that meant protecting her from herself.

"Your sister was noble long before she was nobility, Rukia. Though she admitted she felt awkward in the role, it fit her perfectly." When he looked down at Rukia, then, his gaze was as kind as it ever got. "It never ceases to amaze me, the similarities between the two of you. Though you may not believe it... the mantle of nobility fits you, Rukia." He turned away for a moment, a bit embarrassed at the praise he was dispensing.

"Renji, however...," he continued, "is different. A skilled shinigami, yes, and a competent lieutenant... but that is not enough. Though he has raised his own station in life, he still acts as though he were an unwashed youth in Rukongai. He lacks respect. He lacks a noble bearing. He is not good enough, Rukia. Not for you."

Still facing the window, he sighed inaudibly. Saying that was all well and good, but he wasn't stupid enough to think he could truly come between them. He'd seen the power of love firsthand. Which left only one course of action, if Rukia could not be dissuaded: he would have to forcibly inflict the proper character traits on Renji.

And choke him, for touching his sister. That would come first.

Rukia felt heat rising to her cheeks at the unexpected praise. She dared to glance up at her brother, catching the softness in his expression before he turned away.

What she did expect was his disapproval of her and Renji's relationship, but that did nothing to dull her pain, or cool her anger. How could he say those things about Renji?? He didn't even know him, didn't know how strong and selfless and loyal he was! Rukia made herself take a deep breath; showing her anger now would do no good.

"I disagree with you," she said carefully, "on two accounts. I do not, and have never, felt as though I fit into the role of a noble, but that is neither here nor there. Most importantly, I disagree with your assessment of Renji's character. I have known him since we were both small children, and only once did I ever find fault in his actions." Rukia knew that she was treading on dangerous ground. "And he quickly recognized his error and worked to remedy it, at the risk of his own life. I think that, if you took the time to get to know him, you would see the strengths that I see."

He had expected that retort, and could not bring himself to be truly angry about it. He was, of course, irritated... but, the difference between that and true anger was quite large.

"Renji's character is not something I am unfamiliar with. I have observed him constantly, from the moment he became my lieutenant. Knowing him is not only intelligent, it is my duty... especially now. He could be a captain, if he wished it. The necessary recommendations would not be so difficult to acquire... but, as his captain, mine would likely be considered most heavily. In order to give that recommendation, I would have to be certain that he is the sort of man who could lead effectively, who could follow the Soutaichou's orders even unto death, and who, when without orders, could think effectively for himself and his troops. All of these things, I feel confident that I could affirm. My only stumbling point is the final requirement: that he, as a theoretical candidate, would do nothing to damage the reputation of the Gotei 13, that he would act in accordance with not only the rules, but the spirit of the organization. That he would always comport himself in a respectable manner." Granted, there were at least two current captains who had trouble with that, but... that was irrelevant.

"Regrettably, I believe an attempt at conversation with my lieutenant at this moment would result only in violence," he said, in his normal, deadpan tone; however, his words mostly consisted of musings, intended only for himself. "I had intended to speak with him later today, though... privately. This may be another topic to be discussed."

Rukia scowled at the floor, then shook her head. "I don't-- I do not understand why you speak of the matter in those terms." She looked up slowly, afraid to meet Byakuya's gaze.

"I realize that those of noble standing must consider situations in broad terms, of how they will effect status and reputation, but..." She paused, her eyebrows furrowing. "But how can you think that Renji would ever do anything to shame the Gotei Thirteen, or the Kuchiki Family?" In his own foul-mouthed, grouchy way, Renji was one of the most noble men she had ever met.

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Day 28: Bus 1

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