Day 75: DAWN, MORNING, NOON, AND AFTERNOON

[damned_intercom]

As the day started, the weather only seemed to be improving, and some patients might even call it warm. Granted, the climate control in the building meant it wouldn't make a difference until someone chose to venture outside.

For now, though, it was time for breakfast, and the intercom came on to wake up all of the patients from their enforced slumber.

"Breakfast sandwiches... how could you not look forward to something like that, dear patients?" Even as Landel spoke, the nurses started peeking into rooms and rousing people from their beds.

"There's plenty to look forward to today, from the recreational field to the greenhouse. I hope that you all enjoy your days and your lunches."

As usual, lunch would be handed out in a paper bag, offering some fruit and vegetables to snack on, along with a sandwich as the main course and pudding for dessert.

"That's all for now!" Though the Head Doctor would be announcing the different shift changes throughout the day, as usual.

--

Mingle log guidelines:

1. All Day Shift 75 threads will take place in the comments to this post.
2. PROSE!
3. Tag under the proper time of day for the thread. You do not have to stick to one thread per shift, as long as you don't try to do a large total number of threads (4 or less is best, but a fifth won't get you in trouble).
4. Subject line of your opening tag: Location (required), shift (optional), OPEN (if appropriate). Putting "OPEN" in the subject line should make it easier for other players to find open threads, and the nature of this log means that you should be able to pick up an open thread that interests you even if you already have something scheduled for that shift. Threads which are not open can be marked the way they always are, with the names of the other characters in small text after the opening post.
5. Each thread should have its own separate starter, just like on any other DS. The format of threads is not changing, only the format of the log post itself, and the fact that you don't have to strictly stick to one thread per shift.

Comments

[envy_the_sinners]

"So that I can just continue to exist in this life that isn't even mine to live?" There was no point. His eyes darted to Lust briefly. The was finally life behind his voice. It was frustration and anger, but it was something.

He would be fooling himself if he said that he hadn't strode into Lior with every realization of what would probably happen to him.

"They were my chance for something, even if I didn't deserve it." He hid his face in his hands. With or without the drugs, there was hardly an ounce of tact in Scar's being. Else, he would have stopped there. What came next was dry and nearly inaudible. "I was a fool to ever think that I would be allowed the luxury of someone to love."

[a_sin_for_him]

Well. That said it all, didn't it? Lust turned her face away, though her arm stayed around him.

It had always been stupid, of course, to think that he could ever feel anything for her. Anything real and deep and meaningful. But she wanted it and she hoped for it and it hurt her to hear those words, to be dismissed so easily and preemptively.

Her voice was quiet, as well, and colder now.

"You aren't the only one still here."

[envy_the_sinners]

He shouldn't even open his goddamn mouth.

Scar was stuck in silence for a long moment as he tried to pick out the words to make her understand. To maybe fool himself into understanding, but nothing came. Nothing of any value, anyway.

"I didn't-" He wished he could take it back. He had been telling himself time and time again that he would be better to her, and he still fell back into his old habits. Ignore her. Or anything she was and did that mattered, anyway. It had been easier, before.

But it didn't work anymore.

He had nearly forgotten what it was like, to wish he could take words back.

"That's different." He spoke as if it was obvious. Something that could go without saying. Yet he internally cursed himself for being too much of a coward (why?) to even properly address what he had truly just said.

[a_sin_for_him]

"Of course it is." There was a bitter note in Lust's voice and she kept her face turned away from him. She didn't want Scar to see how much it hurt her, to be brushed aside like that. She wasn't human, but she was still a person.

But the people who understood that were all gone.

"It's always 'different' when it comes to me. But it's not, not really. I'll miss that, you know. Alphonse never treated me any differently. Not here."

[envy_the_sinners]

Scar's teeth clicked together. If it weren't for the sedatives, he would have been angrier, but the slowness gave him a moment to rationalize that she was only responding to what he had said.

"Do you truly think this is easy?" He looked over to Lust, his brow still heavy in its permanent scowl. He couldn't not explain. Not when she couldn't even look at him and he knew that it was his fault. Honesty spilled out before he could even give it proper words in his mind. This was the most difficult thing to say of all, for Scar to even come to terms with.

"Do you know the last thing I thought before I was killed here? Because I bled to death knowing that I had left you behind again and that there wasn't even a reason for it. I had still failed to even properly speak to you. I still don't even know how to see you and not somehow blame you for everything that has happened when you never asked for any of it. Of course I was surprised when the Elrics showed me mercy for what I have done to them. But you? I have lied awake at night wondering if this is all some divine joke. If my brother... mistransmuted. How could you not expect that I would see you differently?"

Scar paused. He felt vaguely sick to his stomach, and it wasn't the drugs.

[a_sin_for_him]

"How would I know?" Lust's unoccupied shoulder lifted in a half shrug. "You don't talk to me and you hold things against me that I don't even remember. That life you had before you became Scar is little more than a dark mystery to me. I only know you. Or what you let me know."

No. Lust wasn't very good at giving comfort at all.

But Scar was drugged and finally giving voice to things that had needed it for some time. And perhaps it distracted him from his pain. There was a chance, Lust supposed.

"And I only know me," she went on. "I'm no better or worse than you are. What do I have to blame you for or be angry with you over? You tried to kill me, but I tried to kill you. I haven't born you any ill will since before Lior. Why wouldn't I be merciful to you?"

[envy_the_sinners]

He was starting to develop a headache. It was like talking at a wall! Scar didn't even understand his own thoughts enough to make her see his reasoning.

"I've been meaning to talk to you for several days," he admitted, once again resting his forehead in his hands. "To fix things."

Though Scar's definition of 'fixing things' wasn't exactly a normal one.

"You have every reason to be angry at me," he added as an afterthought.

[a_sin_for_him]

"Scar...fixing something implies there's something broken. And perhaps you are, a bit, but I'm not angry at you. Whatever we've done to one another, we had our reasons. But I only know you, the man I met in the library in Central. And I am the woman you met then and there. No more and no less. I understand that now."

Her other hand came to rest on his shoulder, her body against his now. Not to entice, but to soothe and reassure.

"I don't know what you see when you look at me. I can't. All these things you think are between us are only in your heart. Even if I woke up tomorrow fully human, I'd still be me, still shaped and made by my experiences and my memories." And perhaps they were dark and strange ones, but they were hers.

[envy_the_sinners]

"Don't-" Too late. Scar's shoulders hunched inward when Lust rested against him. He felt... not angry, but... awkward? Was that the word for it? He swallowed. He shifted. He glanced sideways at her.

This was a very specific type of discomfort he hadn't had to deal with in a very long time. It was several seconds before Scar collected his thoughts enough to speak.

"That doesn't matter-" His head turned to face her again as he spoke, but promptly looked back at the floor. Too close. Way too close.

"That doesn't matter." Didn't he just say that? "It's still... the way it is. We can't just..." Just what?

[a_sin_for_him]

"You're allowed to take solace in another person, Scar Even me." Lust pulled her body away some, but didn't release him. There was no agenda to her touch at this moment, she only wanted to ease some of his pain.

"It's only that way because you insist it is. Why can't we just know one another as we are? What's so wrong with simply being Scar and Lust and letting go of all the madness and confusion that came before?" It just seemed so much simpler to her, to abandon a past she could never fully grasp anyhow. It only hurt her, to try and think of that other life and forge some personal connection with it.

She had no connection with it. Just a jumbled handful of memories that made her feel things she didn't understand. It wasn't fair. Why did the only man that mattered to her have to be the one man left from that murky Before? If he could only see beyond that, put that away....

"You don't have to be alone."

[envy_the_sinners]

"I hate Scar."

Scar's voice was hoarse and small, though the answer came effortlessly. It was one of the few things in all of this of which he was absolutely certain. He had cast off his identity a long time ago. Perhaps it was in a desperate hope to shun the memory of the past, or maybe it truly was because he no longer deserved his holy name. In the end, the desert man who couldn't even call himself Ishbalan anymore wasn't sure.

"And I don't know how to not be alone."

[a_sin_for_him]

"Then don't be Scar. Pick a new name for yourself, if you hate the one you bear now so much. You aren't bound to it." Another thing that seemed simple to Lust. She'd thought about taking some other name, some name she chose for herself, but she saw no reason to. She had always been Lust in this life, and she didn't feel ashamed of that.

"You can learn. I don't want to be alone. I've never been alone, I don't know how to live like that. But you're all that I have left now." She drew away from him then, in a swift movement, her jaw setting and something akin to anger entering her expression. She leaned forward, her profile presented to him.

She sometimes hated how much he meant to her, how dependent she was on him. Moreso than that, really. She hated that she had no idea how to be alone and that the concept frightened her. In such a short time she had found and lost more people who accepted her as she was than she had ever imaged. Now all that remained was this stubborn, angry, impossible man.

"I'm sorry, but I need you."

[envy_the_sinners]

Somehow, Scar became more comfortable when she grew irritated. His shoulders relaxed when she drew away. She truly thought that he could simply relearn the way of his life that he had followed for the past ten years? This wasn't some method, this was everything-

But her last words melted the argument straight out of his mind. Scar stared at Lust for a long moment. A few times, he opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Finally,

"What do you want me to do? Say that I'll be here when we both know I won't? Pretend that we actually have a chance of both making it out of here alive when a half dozen more people are gone every morning?"

[a_sin_for_him]

"I want you to pull yourself together and not give up because of one more painful occurrence. I want you to stop wallowing in self pity and denying that you have anything left in your life. We've come this far, we could survive and get out."

She believe that, at least.

"I'm not ready to give up. And I won't be alone when I don't have to be. I need you to function. So there. There's your something to live for, there's your something to do." If he was a man who needed a cause and something or someone to champion, fine. She would appeal to that side of him.

"I'm depending on you."

[envy_the_sinners]

Once again, Scar looked away. It felt as if fists were clinched inside his chest. One more thing? The original reason they had come out here came rushing back all too easily. The Elrics. His eyes squeezed shut, as if he were in pain. He felt faintly as though he were shaking. Everything always led to disappointment. He couldn't even conjure up one exception.

"I can't delude myself, Lust." Scar couldn't look at her as he spoke. In spite of his insistence that his words were true, he was ashamed of them. Of himself. "I'm sorry." And he meant it.

[a_sin_for_him]

"You're drugged and you can hardly think."

Lust shook her head. The drugs were making this all that much more difficult, she was sure. But she couldn't stand listening to Scar beat himself down further and insist this madness. He was a man, not a carved soldier with only one face and mood to present at all times.

"Pull yourself together tonight, when this has cleared your system. I'm not going to be stuck fending for myself when the lights go out."

[envy_the_sinners]

Hadn't he pulled himself together enough?

Though, Scar supposed, he never had. Not really. He had kept on going, but he had never gathered himself. Never picked up the pieces. He'd let them cut him and cut him, as if the rage would keep him from forgetting. His pain had become his drive. Looking at a situation at large subjectively had always been nearly impossible for him.

Scar closed his eyes, growing frustrated as he tried to push himself out of the haze. He was starting to notice the pounding pain in his hand from where he had stricken the wall. The Elrics were gone. It wasn't fair, it wasn't the way things were supposed to end, but it had happened. It didn't matter how much Scar tried to find reason in it. It wouldn't change.

"You won't." He spoke as if it were obvious, as if it weren't a direct contradiction to what he had just been saying. Scar had two choices. He could fade into apathy, or he could keep going for her sake. The choice was obvious, when he looked at it that way. And letting this break him only ensured that Landel won.

Maybe he couldn't pull himself together. But he could keep at her side.