"What kind of chance would no chance be?" Lloyd retorted hotly. "At least I would have known, instead of living out my life hoping for something I wouldn't ever get. Just because I prefer to have hope doesn't mean I want to live in a lie."
But it was hard to hold onto that incandescent rage when Kratos was outright apologizing. Since when did Kratos ever apologize? Since when did he admit he was wrong? Without that anger, though, all he had left was a cold ache in his throat that had nothing to do with damage left by the monster the night before. It was getting harder to tell himself Kratos had to be lying. What would he have to gain from apologizing it if it wasn't actually true?
It wasn't just that, either. Things that Kratos had done that had confused Lloyd before would make better sense if Kratos was his father. All those lectures, all those lessons, even those infuriating times when he'd tried to discourage Lloyd from joining the Journey of Regeneration with Colette. He'd always felt like there'd been something between them, a bond he'd felt was something more than mentorship at the end, which had only made the hurt of the betrayal even worse. Even the baffling moments when it seemed like he was still giving them clues to help even after he'd gone back to Cruxis. It would explain a whole lot more if those were the actions of a father who was trying to... to what? Protect Lloyd? Even though they were enemies? The thought made the bitter ache more pronounced, to be told you mattered, but not enough to make his own father change his mind. The thought that Kratos could acknowledge him as his son, even if only to himself, and still not tell him, still do all the things he did... It made it hard for those few paternal gestures to even begin to make up the difference. How were they supposed to when Lloyd hadn't known what they were, had only been able to be confused and frustrated with the mixed signals he was getting?
And it still didn't address the root problem.
"If you're not lying," he said. "If you're..." The words didn't want to come. But even with all the pain, there was something, a part of him that ached in a different way, that wanted to know, that wanted the words to come out. He took a breath, and had to swallow. "If you're really my father, then... then why? Why did you leave me and mom?"
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But it was hard to hold onto that incandescent rage when Kratos was outright apologizing. Since when did Kratos ever apologize? Since when did he admit he was wrong? Without that anger, though, all he had left was a cold ache in his throat that had nothing to do with damage left by the monster the night before. It was getting harder to tell himself Kratos had to be lying. What would he have to gain from apologizing it if it wasn't actually true?
It wasn't just that, either. Things that Kratos had done that had confused Lloyd before would make better sense if Kratos was his father. All those lectures, all those lessons, even those infuriating times when he'd tried to discourage Lloyd from joining the Journey of Regeneration with Colette. He'd always felt like there'd been something between them, a bond he'd felt was something more than mentorship at the end, which had only made the hurt of the betrayal even worse. Even the baffling moments when it seemed like he was still giving them clues to help even after he'd gone back to Cruxis. It would explain a whole lot more if those were the actions of a father who was trying to... to what? Protect Lloyd? Even though they were enemies? The thought made the bitter ache more pronounced, to be told you mattered, but not enough to make his own father change his mind. The thought that Kratos could acknowledge him as his son, even if only to himself, and still not tell him, still do all the things he did... It made it hard for those few paternal gestures to even begin to make up the difference. How were they supposed to when Lloyd hadn't known what they were, had only been able to be confused and frustrated with the mixed signals he was getting?
And it still didn't address the root problem.
"If you're not lying," he said. "If you're..." The words didn't want to come. But even with all the pain, there was something, a part of him that ached in a different way, that wanted to know, that wanted the words to come out. He took a breath, and had to swallow. "If you're really my father, then... then why? Why did you leave me and mom?"