damned_institute | Night 65: M71-M80 Hallway

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Night 65: M71-M80 Hallway

Loki had turned his attention to the books as he finished dissecting his dinner. He listened to the intercom announcements with a growing sense of annoyance. He would like to have seen that clue for himself - and it would have presented the perfect opportunity to sow a bit of violence and confusion. Unfortunately, he had appointments that needed to be kept.

But the continued insistence of the oh-so-helpful resistance to have the worst timing possible (as far as Loki was concerned) grated.

When the lights went out he set up his flashlight and continued to read through the pharmacopoeia. He made notes for Soma on a sheet of paper torn from his notebook. Once that was done, he'd need to review the anatomy; all his studying needed to be done before Lust came to his room. He wished to give her his full attention.

[In M73, waiting for his ladyfriends.]

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Soma snorted. "I might not know know depraved the...Jotun are, but right now I don't think any more highly of the people who took you in, either."

Not that she could understand how he felt--at least, not well. Her own childhood had been spartan at best, but her superiors had praised her differences instead of finding fault with them. And she hadn't known any better at the time.

She settled gingerly back against the pillow, her eyes drifting shut again. "You were willing to help me, weren't you? Impromptu surgery in a world centuries after your own to help someone you've only known for a few days. That was brave of you, wasn't it?" A faint smile. "Or unwise, I guess."

"Do you understand why I was... reluctant to speak of it?" he asked after a moment. Of course the implication was that he'd much prefer to keep it a secret. The knowledge of what he was, all the lies, it already grated on his nerves. He didn't wish it to become common knowledge, and that was far more important to him than his artifice of being weak.

"You have been nothing but kind to me," he answered quietly. "Was it bravery? I shall take your word for it." He laughed quietly. "And it was most unwise, for you to ask and for me to agree to such a mad thing."

Soma nodded slightly. "I do, but I also think you're putting too much stock in who you used to be and not enough in who you are here. Nobody here is from your world, as far as I can tell, and even if..."

She trailed off. It was hard to imagine that kind of hatred, but she would've thought it would be obvious in any of the other patients by now.

"You have friends here," she said simply. "Even if some of them aren't very wise."

Loki sighed. "I still am what I am," he said quietly. He suddenly laughed, shaking his head. "Oh, the self-pity in which I wallow. But... having found out that I'm the... the m-monster under the bed, you'll have to forgive me if I'd rather just take my opportunity to pretend I've escaped it." He quieted down again.

Because that was part of the problem. No matter how much he might lie, he was always still what he was. But it was easier, with no one else reminding him of it.

"I know," he said. "And you have my gratitude." Perhaps Soma didn't realize how lucky she was, that he liked her, that he actually cared about her to begin with and wished to see to her safety. No need to spell it out, though. If she didn't know his capacity for cruelty, that was probably for the best.

"All right," Soma conceded, though a trace of her frown still remained on her face. Pretending to be something she wasn't had never come naturally to her, even after her own circumstances had changed.

It didn't seem right that she should be the one holding all the secrets, though. If Lingormr trusted her enough to tell her all this, the least she could do was return the favor.

"You've told me your story," she said after a moment. "It's only fair I tell you mine. I mean, if you want."

Loki was glad when she didn't argue any further. It was difficult to describe; he knew he wasn't like the Jotun, but he knew he also wasn't Aesir. He didn't want to talk about any of it, even without his preference to be secretive. Perhaps now, he could decide what he was for himself, without having others attempt to define that for him. And if he was to accomplish that, it was definitely no one's business what he was.

He glanced down at her face. "If you feel well enough to talk, I am always happy to listen."

"I'd like to," Soma said after a moment. She wasn't feeling much better, but she didn't really want to go to sleep, either. Not when she wasn't sure what would happen afterward.

It would be better, she decided, if she had something to focus on.

"There was...a kingdom," she said carefully. "It was a vast kingdom bordered by two other kingdoms, and while none of them were technically at war with one another, they built machines and raised armies anyway, just in case worse came to worst."

She knew there wasn't much point in fooling herself, and she'd never have a way with words like Lingormr did, but there was something about telling it like a fairy tale that made it easier. There was a distance to the words, as if what had happened had simply happened to someone else.

"Then one day the rulers of this particular kingdom decided that their machines were no good if they didn't have the perfect soldiers to pilot them. So they gathered all their magicians and told them to take children from the kingdom whom nobody would miss and turn them into the perfect soldiers. But none of the children were good enough, so the magicians threw them all away and decided to start from scratch. And they built a girl themselves who could fight for days, who could read her enemies' bodies and predict attacks before they happened.

"But something went wrong. Somewhere, they must have missed a connection, because the girl could think and hear other people's thoughts, but she couldn't move her body. So the magicians built another soul to replace the old one, a soul that would listen to their orders and fight for them without question."

The words came out more slowly than she liked. She took a deep breath, trying to ignore the pain, and Marie stirred worriedly in her head.

He actually wished she hadn't felt the need to couch the story in such terms, but it was easy enough to translate out. And interesting besides.

Also, difficult.

Always, he realized, it was children. He supposed it made sense that they were the ones consumed and sacrificed, powerless until they were adults. (And often powerless still even then.)

His eyebrows went up, though he continued to stroke Soma's hair soothingly. "Two souls?"

"I wouldn't know what to call it even if I were telling it to you straight," Soma confessed. "Two personalities, maybe."

Part of it was a desire to stay distant from the things she was saying. Another part of it was a desire to keep things simple, she supposed. It wasn't that she underestimated Lingormr's intelligence, she just didn't think she had the energy to explain half of what had been done to her. Or to fully understand it herself, for that matter.

She paused for a moment to collect her thoughts. "The girl didn't even know about the older soul when she woke up. The magicians had sealed it away so tightly she didn't even know it was there. So she grew up thinking she was the perfect tool, the perfect weapon, and she was proud of it.

"Only the officer in charge of her squadron thought anything might be wrong. But he never treated her any differently for it, and when he found out about what the magicians had done to the other children, he had them locked away and the whole thing was shut down. And meanwhile the girl began to wonder if fighting was all there was to life, and if she might be able to live like everyone else, even if she was a little different."

She half-closed her eyes against the wave of homesickness, stronger now than it had been before. "The girl never found out what had been done to her. Not there. It wasn't until she arrived here that she learned everything. And then the scientists undid what the magicians had done to her when she was a child, so the first soul in her body had a voice, too."

"Here?" Loki asked, eyebrows going up.

That was an interesting wrinkle. Though obviously, their captors knew quite a bit about them, a disturbing amount, really. He didn't like to think what might be done to him in that context, however.

"Do you think they were right to keep it from you?" he asked after a moment.

She reached up slowly, tapped the side of her head with a shaky finger. "Whatever they did to me brought her back. She's up here, in my head. Just a voice. She can't take over unless I let her. The fact that the doctors here were able to do that means they're further ahead than even the scientists in my world. Although I guess it's not a surprise anymore."

She hesitated for a moment. "Her name is Marie. But...nobody else knows that. Or nobody who's still here, anyway."

Senna had known. And she'd understood, too. If there was anything at all good about this place, it was finding out that at least she wasn't alone.

"It was in their best interest not to tell me." Soma shook her head, wincing a little at the movement. "A good soldier can't waste time wondering if she even deserves her abilities if someone else was there first. I was a tool for them. Whether I should have known or not didn't matter back then. I know now."

There was remarkably little anger in her voice. Even now it was hard to reconcile the immense pride she'd felt about being a supersoldier with the price that had been paid to create her.

"...take over." That was disturbing indeed, whether or not it was something Soma could control. Loki supposed that of everything that had been done to him, at least he wasn't saddled with someone else rattling around in his head. It was already full enough as it was.

"Marie. I see. Well... I suppose it's nice to have... indirectly met her?"

Loki laughed quietly. "The head of my house thought it in his best interest to not tell me, either. I was to be a tool for later use." Though the difference in their cases it seemed was that Soma had been praised, and wanted, and useful. Loki had been none of those things, and it still hurt in a deep way, to recall the look on Odin's face when Loki realized that he was of no use, thanks to Thor.

A relic, probably best to be locked away and forgotten. Only he hadn't been prepared to go so quietly as that.

Soma only nodded. She still wasn't entirely sure how it all worked--she had only relinquished control once, and only for a few moments. Part of her was still a little scared to experiment with it. She couldn't lie to herself; there was a fear there, a fear she wouldn't be able to regain control once she'd given it away. It wasn't really fair to Marie, but the other girl understood, at least.

And if she had to think about it that way, she could have had worse voices in her head than that of a cheerful, patient girl, still quietly excited at seeing the world for the first time. Any friend of Soma's was a friend of Marie's.

Tell him I said hello back, she prompted eagerly, and Soma half-smiled despite herself, dutifully relaying the message.

That half-smile quickly vanished when Lingormr spoke up again. This, at least, was something she understood all too well. "As a hostage," she said, disgust clear in her voice. "Or a bargaining chip." Whatever the lieutenant colonel had thought about the staff at the HEA, at least they'd never lied to her about her purpose. She didn't know how she would have reacted if she'd never known to begin with.

The fact that this world might mean a new start for so many people never failed to surprise her. "You're here now," she added after a moment. "And once we get out of here, you'll be able to find your own purpose."

The entire situation seemed incredibly odd, that Soma was in a way two people, but Loki had few enough friends as it was. He wasn't interested in turning anyone away over potential quirks. Particularly not interesting quirks such as that.

"Most likely a bargaining chip," he agreed. "To be sold back to the beasts when it was convenient, after having my disposition thoroughly ruined for their society by aping the behavior of man for so long." Because that much had been obvious. He hadn't fit in with the Aesir at all. But he also never would have fit in with the Jotun even if he'd wanted to. He'd been ruined for all sides, really, not enough of any one thing to find a sort of home.

That was fine. He should be above such things, should be able to take his own kingdom. Though he had to admit, Soma speaking of her own home... oh well.

Loki nodded, smiling crookedly. "I can certainly hope."

The more Lingormr put it that way, the less she was able to convince herself he was only speaking in terms of a metaphor. Which...well, it was a far cry from the simple Swedish village she'd pictured when she'd first met him, but it certainly wasn't the strangest thing she'd heard about since she arrived here. Compared to the people who had been calling themselves countries, this was almost sane.

"What was the other clan like?" she asked after a moment. He'd mentioned fields and brood animals, so surely it couldn't have been that different. Ancient cultures had tended to paint their enemies as barbarians, didn't they?

Loki's hand stilled. He supposed it was a perfectly natural question. "Hideous creatures of no culture or intellect. Eaters of the dead. Savages who wished to plunge the lands surrounding theirs into the dark of endless winter. Eager to betray their treaties and stupid in their thirst for blood."

There was no hiding the raw, naked hatred in his voice, or the contempt with which he spoke. They had been so easy to manipulate, perhaps even more foolish than the Aesir in their eagerness to hear what they wanted.

Soma blinked slowly. "That doesn't sound like you at all."

She doubted he was lying--why would he lie to her now?--but she wasn't sure what to think of his description, either. Whenever Lingormr had mentioned being different from the people who had raised him, he had always mentioned a tendency towards bookishness. The people he supposedly hailed from didn't even sound capable of that.

Not everything is determined by genetics, said Marie, and of course, she knew that, but it was a little baffling all the same.

Loki laughed somewhat dryly. "I should hope not." He shook his head, darkly amused. "One supposes they knew there was something terribly wrong with me as well. I was apparently shamefully small and sickly. I assume that was why I was abandoned to be consumed by the elements. Or perhaps they hoped their enemies would dash my brains out, though why they didn't do so themselves I cannot begin to imagine."

And instead he'd been taken in by Odin, to become a weakling among the Aesir. Continued life was something of a gift, but it hadn't really put him any closer to finding a people who liked his sort of monster.

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Night 65: M71-M80 Hallway

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