damned_institute | Day 60: Music Room (Fourth Shift)

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Day 60: Music Room (Fourth Shift)

It wasn't often that Renji felt less like punching people in general as his day wore on. This was a new experience for him. A not unwelcome one, if he was being honest. And the fact that he felt less like punching Fai? Kind of mind-blowing. The sort of thing Zen masters would probably use as a kouan to reach an all-new level of non-punching enlightenment.

So he was back from the dead, almost everyone he'd known was gone, and yet bizarrely his day felt like it was looking up. Kind of. Renji wasn't sure what to make of this. Maybe his grumpy meter was just nearing empty. That was as good an explanation as the next, considering how this place made him feel.

Whatever the reason, he ended up in the music room. And he remembered oh yeah. He'd always kind of hated this damn shift. He grabbed a little book of music and a drum and retreated quickly to the far end of the room. He put the drum down in front of him just so he looked like he was doing something and opened the book. But he had no idea how to read music, and really, he was more interested in the ongoing puzzle of what the hell had happened in the last four weeks.

And brooding. Of course. There was always brooding to be done.

[Okay Tolten, let me lay it out for you. When there's a mommy and a daddy... or sometimes a daddy and a dadddy. Or, hell, sometimes a mommy and a mommy if you buy the right kind of wood cuts (and a third mommy if you go to just the right shop)... but anyway when they love each other very much, or at least a suitably large amount of money changes hands, there are some things that happen...]

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"Yeah, I never said there was anything wrong with you," Renji said. He rubbed his forehead with one hand. "Most of the time when people say there's something wrong with you, what they really mean is there's something wrong with them. Namely they're an asshole that needs to mind their own goddamn business and get out of your life. But anyway."

The rest, he couldn't understand so much. He shrugged, finally. "If it helps, sex ain't all that people make it out to be. It's a lot of fun. And it's fantastic if you've got someone that you really like." And he wasn't going to get into it more deeply than that. "There's nothing magical about the first time you do it. It's weird and awkward and someone normally puts their elbow in the wrong place. So don't psych yourself out." He cleared his throat, shrugging again. "But you also always got a choice. And don't let yourself think otherwise. It's just a shitty choice."

"The initial impression is..." Well, Tolten could only wave a hand at himself and shrug. "Let's just say that the impression tends to be that I am a man not capable of performing manly duties. It's difficult to be a k..a knight who loves music and poetry and art and hates fighting. And one who spends most of his time in the company of other men. It...gives the wrong idea. I just don't understand women. And not in the sense as men say, that they don't understand their vexing ways or double sided tongues. I can barely talk to them!"

Which was the truth. And he knew he was at least mildly attracted to women. Her Majesty's...charms had not failed to catch his gaze and a few stray thoughts. But...

"Especially if they're beautiful. Oh gods, I'm a tongue tied idiot when faced with a beautiful woman. At least beautiful women are never interested in me, so that helps a great deal."

Because the assumption was - even beyond Uhra - that he was a lover of men. He was pretty and soft and pleasant and a lover of arts and other things considered feminine. He understood why the conclusion was come to, and if he were being perfectly honest he could admit to a...a wondering. A curiosity.

"I wish to escape this place and return to my home and my people. I don't truly have a choice. I just wish I could see it as something casual."

Renji shrugged. "The guy in the Fifth seat of my old division is one of the biggest girly flamers I've ever seen in my life. I'd put him in the top ten swordsmen in all the Gotei Thirteen. That shit really doesn't mean anything."

And then he laughed. He couldn't help it. "No one understands women. Anyone who says they do is either a woman or a giant fucking liar. That's normal."

He felt sorry for the kid, but there wasn't a lot that could be done. "Well, that's not an option, so stop thinking about it because it doesn't help you. Wish in one hand and shit in the other an' all that. You can always just set yourself to fight the goddamn birds if that sounds less scary."

"....I thought we were establishing there's nothing wrong with me!' Tolten joked, laughing some. If he admitted that honestly, yes, he'd rather fight those things than try and lose his virginity then he may as well admit there was something wrong with him. That simply wasn't normal.

At least Renji understood he couldn't simply change his worldview at a moment's notice. But perhaps if he looked at it practically and with logic....

"Perhaps I could sell it," he mused. "I know there's a black market about here. And at least then I'd have proper justification. Besides, it would take a great deal of the stress and search out of things...."

Of course, that assumed there were those here who were that interested in his virginity. This wasn't Uhra, with a brothel on every corner.

Renji shrugged. "Kind of depends on how you feel about fighting. When I was in the Eleventh Division, I knew plenty of guys that would rather fight than fuck any day of the week. And sure, everyone thought we were all crazy, but we didn't give a shit."

...wait, what?

Renji stared at Tolten. And then he did that thing that he'd finally learned the word for. He facepalmed. "...no. Kid, just no. No."

"I don't like fighting," Tolten said, smiling. "Oh, I'm good at it and I'll do it and take pride in it, but I don't like it."

He was rather surprised at Renji's reaction to the idea of selling himself. Did he come from a place where that was taboo? He knew there were places that frowned upon intimacy as an industry, but he had never understood why. Besides, when applying the logic 'what would Jansen do?', that was the answer that sprang to mind....

"There's no shame in it," he said with a shrug. And at least then it was a business transaction, with no expectations or need for trust. "And there are things I need to acquire. Though I suppose there's no market for the flesh trade in a place like this."

Renji made a choked sound as he tried to throttle down the urge to burst into hysterical laughter. It was a near thing, but he managed to keep it together.

"Yeah, there's nothing wrong with it. But considering the situation here, I think the last thing you want to do is set yourself up like a... prostitute." He had to stop for a minute and collect himself again. "It's not like there's some kind of normal... market around here. And if someone had a good thing you wanted, I really doubt they'd trade it for a quick fuck. With anyone. 'Cause there's enough of that going on for free."

He couldn't believe he was having this discussion. This was definitely worse than the weird talk he'd had with Arty.

"I'm surprised there isn't," the young king reflected. "I always thought black markets were the first thing established in situations like these." That had certainly been what happened in Gohtza.

"But yes, that was what I was afraid of. It's not valuable here." Not that he would ever find him in a position to have to sell his body back in Uhra, but if he had...good god, he could only imagine the demand and price. It was an odd thing to think about. He wasn't anything special on the physical front - in his opinion - and he had no skills, but he was the golden boy-king of Uhra. That alone was enough to make him worth something.

"I really don't know how I'm going to manage this."

"It probably has something to do with there not being any money. And no one really controls the supply of anything, since you can just like... bust into that closet the next night and take whatever they got the night before." Renji shrugged. "Back when the alchemists were around there was more trade since they could make weapons, but they all seem to be gone now. At least I haven't seen any of them."

Which was depressing, since it meant that he was fucked when it came to another sword. And because he'd liked Roy, and he'd liked Ed.

He rubbed his forehead with one hand. "Well, I'd say ask around and see if anyone else is in a similar situation. Then you can kill two birds with one stone."

Tolten supposed that had something of a poetic appeal to it. Perhaps there was someone else, awkward and unsure and wondering how on earth they were going to divest themself of this problem.

The lack of a single source of supplies explained a great deal. No wonder he had yet to encounter anyone who was...well...villainous. If everyone was truly equal, then there was no reason to scheme amongst themselves. Interesting, when looked at that way. He supposed it was similar to how peace was kept in Numara, though now that the isolationist policy had been lifted he wondered if that would change.

Oh well. It was in someone else's hands now. Was Domian on the throne, perhaps? Or Selatii? He didn't like to think of it.

"Perhaps...though that would be an interesting notice to post."

"...yeah. And be careful of the censorship nurse." Renji laughed. "I don't know... if you basically just say you have a... uh... bird problem and need some help with it, anyone that's been here a while will probably know what you're talking about." He rubbed his forehead, so very glad that he didn't have this particular problem. "And then I guess you just meet in person with people until you find someone that you can work it out with."

He almost asked if Tolten didn't just have a friend that he could work it out with, but presumably not if they were having this awkward conversation to begin with.

"Oh gods."

He had to shake his head. He picked up his instrument and ran his fingers over the strings, just making soft notes rather than playing anything. Yes, the censorship nurses. He still felt badly over drawing their attention. He didn't like doing anything wrong. But yes, it could be phrased in a certain way....

And there were plenty of nice people here.

"I do appreciate you listening to me rattle on like this," he went on. "It must seem rude, but I often find it easier to be honest and open with strangers. Especially on personal matters. And you...remind me of a dear friend."

"Uh... sure. No problem. I get that a lot." Renji wasn't sure why he always ended up having conversations like this with people. Maybe because he was a sucker for hard luck cases. At least when it came from youngsters. And because he didn't know when to just pretend to be deaf. "Good luck with getting it figured out. I... uh... assume you know how it goes once you find a friend." He cleared his throat and stared resolutely at the ceiling.

Tolten chuckled.

"I have known many lustful men and heard many a bawdy tale told round the fire when the wine bottles are near empty." Though to be quite fair, some of what Jansen had gone on about was downright frightening. But Jansen was some kind of a professional bed sportsman or something, and went above and beyond the tastes of average men. Or the man simply didn't know when to curb a boast, either way.

"I'm twenty one, Mr. Renji. There's no need to worry about my theoretical knowledge."

"You'd be surprised at all the fun stuff people at your ripe old age dont know," Renji said, tone desert dry. "I wouldn't trust stories like that. I've told enough of them myself. They're sixty percent bullshit and twenty percent wishful thinking." He grinned, still studying the ceiling. "But don't get me wrong. I am totally happy to keep this conversation from becoming even more awkward. So feel free to change the subject if you want."

"Most Uhran soldiers don't live beyond twenty five," Tolten said with another small shrug. He knew that in mind and heart he was still very much a young man, but he wasn't in years. Oh, perhaps comparatively speaking in regards to some, but considering how many times he ought to have been dead over the past two years....

"And honestly, other than the small matter we've been discussing, there's little the world has to offer that I haven't ended up experiencing. With or without my intention."

There was that, of course. He had seen things few others had ever imagined. He had lived through great wonders and terrible horrors and he had lived to tell the tales. He had visited Eastern Temples! And fought their guardians! He had passed his hand through a doorway that led to another world! He had seen the Tower of Mirrors....

And he had touched the Light.

"I have had a very full life. And even here, I see and experience things that change me and touch me. For better or for worse."

"Twenty five? That's pretty bad even for humans. Though I know nowadays they're living way longer than they used to." Renji remarked. "But if you live a rough life, that's what happens."

He nodded, then sighed. "Just don't let shit touch you too much."

Even Renji wasn't certain quite how he meant that, and it touched on things he really didn't want to think about just then.

"It's better to live a full life than not. Most of the time. Here, you don't really have much of a choice, the way shit's set up."

"We are a country perpetually at war," the young king explained. "Our last king, His Majesty King Zypha...he was empirical, I suppose you could say." Uhra had expanded under his father's reign. And those before him, of course.

"That's changing now, though. There are only two countries left in Plank, and Uhra has a sworn treaty of peace with Numara that will not be broken." Even if an idiot had taken the throne in his absence, none were foolish enough to go against Her Majesty. And surely there were personal ties, as well as political ones to cement their alliance.

"And I wouldn't say there's no choice here," he went on, once more playing his instrument. "They have been horrible, but I have seen wonders here. If our world is small, that means only that we need realize wonders and miracles will be to that same scale. And of course that which doesn't kill us..."

As a general principle, Renji thought the wars that humans engaged in were pretty stupid. It was a lot of squabbling and wasted life over borders, and he didn't really see the point. It all came down to greed, he guessed. "Hopefully things will be peaceful, then. Life's short enough as it is."

He snorted. "Yeah, it does make you stronger. Which is a good attitude to have. Everything's a fight, and that's sure one way to get your act together." He wasn't sure about the wonders and miracles stuff. He hadn't seen anything like that in the time he'd been stuck in the Institute. The one time things had been looking up, it'd turned out to be the set up for the fall.

Just because of that train of thought, his face fell back into grim lines.

"Don't despair, Mr. Renji," Tolten said, gently. "No matter how dark things look, there's light. As long as there are people willing to fight against oppression and evil, there will be light."

He had to believe that. And hadn't life taught him that? Seth told him time and time again to learn, and so learn he did. There was hope, and as he had told Rose and Claude, he couldn't believe that there was no one on the outside working to aide them. There was always someone fighting for those who needed it.

Renji stared at Tolten for a long moment, trying to comprehend the fact that the kid had just given him an earnest little pep talk. Him. Renji.

"How'd I hear it get put once? Yeah. The problem is, most of the time the light at the end of the tunnel is a flamethrower." Renji laughed, then grinned. "Fighting lets you know you're alive. I've pretty much found the optimism reminds you why it sucks that you are."

Ah, the eternal warrior.

"If we're alive, that alone is a reason to hope and be joyful. Things can always get better. Besides...flame is the key to forging a strong and true blade. And fighting, I've found, only serves to remind that yI will not be alive always. And that for me to live, another cannot. I don't think that's fair."

His mind turned to Tristan, and the hell on the Royal Train. No, it wasn't fair. That anyone should sacrifice himself for Tolten... it still hung heavy in his heart. And all the deaths in Gohtza hung heavy on him. He was the fool who had let loose the mad dog in their streets, after all.

Again, Renji found himself staring at the kid. That level of perky optimism wasn't something he expected to see outside of Sora. And Sora made it sound a lot less... religious. Just a lot more enthusiastic.

He laughed. "It's only by looking the end of all things directly in the eye that a man can truly feel his most alive. Your blood rushes in your ears, and you transcend fear into true life. Because then, you acknowledge that you are already dead, and just waiting for it to catch up with you. So you can live without restraints."

And even though it was mean, he had to say it anyway. "And I got to tell you, post-battle sex is the greatest sex in the world."

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Day 60: Music Room (Fourth Shift)

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