damned_institute | Day 60: Music Room (Fourth Shift)

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Day 60: Music Room (Fourth Shift)

It wasn't often that Renji felt less like punching people in general as his day wore on. This was a new experience for him. A not unwelcome one, if he was being honest. And the fact that he felt less like punching Fai? Kind of mind-blowing. The sort of thing Zen masters would probably use as a kouan to reach an all-new level of non-punching enlightenment.

So he was back from the dead, almost everyone he'd known was gone, and yet bizarrely his day felt like it was looking up. Kind of. Renji wasn't sure what to make of this. Maybe his grumpy meter was just nearing empty. That was as good an explanation as the next, considering how this place made him feel.

Whatever the reason, he ended up in the music room. And he remembered oh yeah. He'd always kind of hated this damn shift. He grabbed a little book of music and a drum and retreated quickly to the far end of the room. He put the drum down in front of him just so he looked like he was doing something and opened the book. But he had no idea how to read music, and really, he was more interested in the ongoing puzzle of what the hell had happened in the last four weeks.

And brooding. Of course. There was always brooding to be done.

[Okay Tolten, let me lay it out for you. When there's a mommy and a daddy... or sometimes a daddy and a dadddy. Or, hell, sometimes a mommy and a mommy if you buy the right kind of wood cuts (and a third mommy if you go to just the right shop)... but anyway when they love each other very much, or at least a suitably large amount of money changes hands, there are some things that happen...]

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Renji couldn't help but laugh at that comment, since he knew exactly why Tolten had said it, thanks to the incredibly awkward bulletin board conversation they'd had. "Yeah, well, that does help. Though I'll be shocked if you can just stick inside for the rest of the time. If nothing else, some of the best short cuts go through the outside and over the walls." And Renji hoped he didn't have to point out to Tolten that climbing a wall was about the last time you wanted a giant virgin-eating bird to be coming after you.

"Yeah, it's easy. You go through the... refridgerator, I think it is, in the kitchen. There's like a hidden trap-door kind of entrance there. I've been in the basement a few times myself. There's an armory down there, but don't get too excited about it. The sword I got out of it was fucking worthless. Decorative blade, had no edge, that stuff. It was a piece for some sort of puzzle, we figured."

"Oh, I know I can't simply hide inside. Or spend every moment without running. I'm not a fool, even if I can sometimes be foolish."

Oh, but what to do? Certainly he'd thought about intimate relations before, but only in a very vague and fantastical manner. The only women he had ever known throughout his life were his maid and a few other serving women, all of whom knew him for what and who he was. A cowardly, foolish, flittish young man who had been so unworthy that King Zypha handed the country over to a council. Not the target of young female fancies. They didn't flirt, they laughed.

And beyond that...it was a difficult matter. When he thought about it in regards to himself, in real life, he felt queasy and nervous and ashamed. He'd never even held someone's hand in affection, let alone...anything further.

And what if he were terrible at it? He was often terrible at things he was supposed to be good at. He was expected to be a virile, libidinous, bed-hopping beast, joyfully raking in maidens. He really didn't think he could ever live up to that expectation.

His face showed his worrying thoughts, and he said nothing about the basement. His mind had turned in once more.

Renji only snorted at the somewhat sharper words. He wasn't calling anyone a fool yet. Then Tolten's face got that familiar broody look, the kind he'd seen on a lot of other kids. Like Artemis.

No, he told himself, not this time. He wasn't going to do it. Because then he'd start giving a shit, and then Tolten would inevitably disappear, and that would just be one more cut. And...

"Look, I'm no mind reader, but that's an 'I'm overthinking things' face if I ever saw one."

Fuck me.

Oh gods.

Tolten sighed and leaned back in his chair. He had been wishing he had someone to talk to, and it seemed his esteemed ancestor had answered his wish. He may not have Jansen in this place, but he had here a man who put him of the same mind. And he was only going to fret himself in circles, he knew that!

"I don't think you realize how quite inexperienced I truly am," Tolten said, levelly. "I lived a remarkably sheltered life. I rarely left my home, which was inhabited by only myself and a handful of servants I had little contact with. When I went out, it was simply to the home of my guardian. Until I was twenty and thrust out into the world in the midst of chaos, war, and my entire country wanting me dead. I spent the last year of my life living that hell - on the run and hunted by a powerful madman. Three weeks ago I the only certainty I had in my head was my immediately approaching death. I have barely spoken to a woman since my mother died - I was seven. And I have lived my entire life being mocked for not living up to the social ideal of masculinity held by my culture. I hope you can see how perhaps the matter of intimacy may be a difficult one for me."

He had never laid it out quite so precisely before, really. But there it was. Minus one or two other complexities he didn't feel like addressing at the moment. Well, if nothing else, he had his thoughts rather organized on the subject.

Renji listened to the sudden wall of words and sorted it out as best he could. It was a crappy way to live. But everyone also had their own version of that story. Valyn had. Artemis had. Renji had his own version, because life sucked when you were a street kid all grown up and trying to play with the nobles who thought you were scum.

But that was kind of the thing. It was part of being a man that you just had to give things your best shot and hope it turned out.

"That sucks," he finally said. "You've got a choice you've never had before in a situation that's not like what you're used to dealing with, and that always sucks. But you also got to realize, when you're playing it by ear like this, it's also your chance to decide who you're going to be. Because it's all you now. No one's gonna fucking tell you what to do."

"Yes, I know."

It really wasn't anything he didn't. He had a choice to make, and really it was already made. It was simply going about it.

"I'm not...there's nothing wrong with me," he explained. "I'm...a healthy, red blooded man. But as I said, I am often foolish. And in ways of...oh, I suppose I'm just not very good with people." Tolten flushed then, because he didn't know how better to explain it. "I simply do my best and try and muddle through, is all. And I always thought...oh, I would be married. And hopefully in love. And I know full well that the reality will never live up to what flights of fancy my mind has taken, but..." He shrugged then, fumbling for words. He didn't want to feel forced. He hated to think he had to give this part of himself out of necessity.

And who would he find? Who could he trust enough to even consider...?

"Yeah, I never said there was anything wrong with you," Renji said. He rubbed his forehead with one hand. "Most of the time when people say there's something wrong with you, what they really mean is there's something wrong with them. Namely they're an asshole that needs to mind their own goddamn business and get out of your life. But anyway."

The rest, he couldn't understand so much. He shrugged, finally. "If it helps, sex ain't all that people make it out to be. It's a lot of fun. And it's fantastic if you've got someone that you really like." And he wasn't going to get into it more deeply than that. "There's nothing magical about the first time you do it. It's weird and awkward and someone normally puts their elbow in the wrong place. So don't psych yourself out." He cleared his throat, shrugging again. "But you also always got a choice. And don't let yourself think otherwise. It's just a shitty choice."

"The initial impression is..." Well, Tolten could only wave a hand at himself and shrug. "Let's just say that the impression tends to be that I am a man not capable of performing manly duties. It's difficult to be a k..a knight who loves music and poetry and art and hates fighting. And one who spends most of his time in the company of other men. It...gives the wrong idea. I just don't understand women. And not in the sense as men say, that they don't understand their vexing ways or double sided tongues. I can barely talk to them!"

Which was the truth. And he knew he was at least mildly attracted to women. Her Majesty's...charms had not failed to catch his gaze and a few stray thoughts. But...

"Especially if they're beautiful. Oh gods, I'm a tongue tied idiot when faced with a beautiful woman. At least beautiful women are never interested in me, so that helps a great deal."

Because the assumption was - even beyond Uhra - that he was a lover of men. He was pretty and soft and pleasant and a lover of arts and other things considered feminine. He understood why the conclusion was come to, and if he were being perfectly honest he could admit to a...a wondering. A curiosity.

"I wish to escape this place and return to my home and my people. I don't truly have a choice. I just wish I could see it as something casual."

Renji shrugged. "The guy in the Fifth seat of my old division is one of the biggest girly flamers I've ever seen in my life. I'd put him in the top ten swordsmen in all the Gotei Thirteen. That shit really doesn't mean anything."

And then he laughed. He couldn't help it. "No one understands women. Anyone who says they do is either a woman or a giant fucking liar. That's normal."

He felt sorry for the kid, but there wasn't a lot that could be done. "Well, that's not an option, so stop thinking about it because it doesn't help you. Wish in one hand and shit in the other an' all that. You can always just set yourself to fight the goddamn birds if that sounds less scary."

"....I thought we were establishing there's nothing wrong with me!' Tolten joked, laughing some. If he admitted that honestly, yes, he'd rather fight those things than try and lose his virginity then he may as well admit there was something wrong with him. That simply wasn't normal.

At least Renji understood he couldn't simply change his worldview at a moment's notice. But perhaps if he looked at it practically and with logic....

"Perhaps I could sell it," he mused. "I know there's a black market about here. And at least then I'd have proper justification. Besides, it would take a great deal of the stress and search out of things...."

Of course, that assumed there were those here who were that interested in his virginity. This wasn't Uhra, with a brothel on every corner.

Renji shrugged. "Kind of depends on how you feel about fighting. When I was in the Eleventh Division, I knew plenty of guys that would rather fight than fuck any day of the week. And sure, everyone thought we were all crazy, but we didn't give a shit."

...wait, what?

Renji stared at Tolten. And then he did that thing that he'd finally learned the word for. He facepalmed. "...no. Kid, just no. No."

"I don't like fighting," Tolten said, smiling. "Oh, I'm good at it and I'll do it and take pride in it, but I don't like it."

He was rather surprised at Renji's reaction to the idea of selling himself. Did he come from a place where that was taboo? He knew there were places that frowned upon intimacy as an industry, but he had never understood why. Besides, when applying the logic 'what would Jansen do?', that was the answer that sprang to mind....

"There's no shame in it," he said with a shrug. And at least then it was a business transaction, with no expectations or need for trust. "And there are things I need to acquire. Though I suppose there's no market for the flesh trade in a place like this."

Renji made a choked sound as he tried to throttle down the urge to burst into hysterical laughter. It was a near thing, but he managed to keep it together.

"Yeah, there's nothing wrong with it. But considering the situation here, I think the last thing you want to do is set yourself up like a... prostitute." He had to stop for a minute and collect himself again. "It's not like there's some kind of normal... market around here. And if someone had a good thing you wanted, I really doubt they'd trade it for a quick fuck. With anyone. 'Cause there's enough of that going on for free."

He couldn't believe he was having this discussion. This was definitely worse than the weird talk he'd had with Arty.

"I'm surprised there isn't," the young king reflected. "I always thought black markets were the first thing established in situations like these." That had certainly been what happened in Gohtza.

"But yes, that was what I was afraid of. It's not valuable here." Not that he would ever find him in a position to have to sell his body back in Uhra, but if he had...good god, he could only imagine the demand and price. It was an odd thing to think about. He wasn't anything special on the physical front - in his opinion - and he had no skills, but he was the golden boy-king of Uhra. That alone was enough to make him worth something.

"I really don't know how I'm going to manage this."

"It probably has something to do with there not being any money. And no one really controls the supply of anything, since you can just like... bust into that closet the next night and take whatever they got the night before." Renji shrugged. "Back when the alchemists were around there was more trade since they could make weapons, but they all seem to be gone now. At least I haven't seen any of them."

Which was depressing, since it meant that he was fucked when it came to another sword. And because he'd liked Roy, and he'd liked Ed.

He rubbed his forehead with one hand. "Well, I'd say ask around and see if anyone else is in a similar situation. Then you can kill two birds with one stone."

Tolten supposed that had something of a poetic appeal to it. Perhaps there was someone else, awkward and unsure and wondering how on earth they were going to divest themself of this problem.

The lack of a single source of supplies explained a great deal. No wonder he had yet to encounter anyone who was...well...villainous. If everyone was truly equal, then there was no reason to scheme amongst themselves. Interesting, when looked at that way. He supposed it was similar to how peace was kept in Numara, though now that the isolationist policy had been lifted he wondered if that would change.

Oh well. It was in someone else's hands now. Was Domian on the throne, perhaps? Or Selatii? He didn't like to think of it.

"Perhaps...though that would be an interesting notice to post."

"...yeah. And be careful of the censorship nurse." Renji laughed. "I don't know... if you basically just say you have a... uh... bird problem and need some help with it, anyone that's been here a while will probably know what you're talking about." He rubbed his forehead, so very glad that he didn't have this particular problem. "And then I guess you just meet in person with people until you find someone that you can work it out with."

He almost asked if Tolten didn't just have a friend that he could work it out with, but presumably not if they were having this awkward conversation to begin with.

"Oh gods."

He had to shake his head. He picked up his instrument and ran his fingers over the strings, just making soft notes rather than playing anything. Yes, the censorship nurses. He still felt badly over drawing their attention. He didn't like doing anything wrong. But yes, it could be phrased in a certain way....

And there were plenty of nice people here.

"I do appreciate you listening to me rattle on like this," he went on. "It must seem rude, but I often find it easier to be honest and open with strangers. Especially on personal matters. And you...remind me of a dear friend."

"Uh... sure. No problem. I get that a lot." Renji wasn't sure why he always ended up having conversations like this with people. Maybe because he was a sucker for hard luck cases. At least when it came from youngsters. And because he didn't know when to just pretend to be deaf. "Good luck with getting it figured out. I... uh... assume you know how it goes once you find a friend." He cleared his throat and stared resolutely at the ceiling.

Tolten chuckled.

"I have known many lustful men and heard many a bawdy tale told round the fire when the wine bottles are near empty." Though to be quite fair, some of what Jansen had gone on about was downright frightening. But Jansen was some kind of a professional bed sportsman or something, and went above and beyond the tastes of average men. Or the man simply didn't know when to curb a boast, either way.

"I'm twenty one, Mr. Renji. There's no need to worry about my theoretical knowledge."

"You'd be surprised at all the fun stuff people at your ripe old age dont know," Renji said, tone desert dry. "I wouldn't trust stories like that. I've told enough of them myself. They're sixty percent bullshit and twenty percent wishful thinking." He grinned, still studying the ceiling. "But don't get me wrong. I am totally happy to keep this conversation from becoming even more awkward. So feel free to change the subject if you want."

"Most Uhran soldiers don't live beyond twenty five," Tolten said with another small shrug. He knew that in mind and heart he was still very much a young man, but he wasn't in years. Oh, perhaps comparatively speaking in regards to some, but considering how many times he ought to have been dead over the past two years....

"And honestly, other than the small matter we've been discussing, there's little the world has to offer that I haven't ended up experiencing. With or without my intention."

There was that, of course. He had seen things few others had ever imagined. He had lived through great wonders and terrible horrors and he had lived to tell the tales. He had visited Eastern Temples! And fought their guardians! He had passed his hand through a doorway that led to another world! He had seen the Tower of Mirrors....

And he had touched the Light.

"I have had a very full life. And even here, I see and experience things that change me and touch me. For better or for worse."

"Twenty five? That's pretty bad even for humans. Though I know nowadays they're living way longer than they used to." Renji remarked. "But if you live a rough life, that's what happens."

He nodded, then sighed. "Just don't let shit touch you too much."

Even Renji wasn't certain quite how he meant that, and it touched on things he really didn't want to think about just then.

"It's better to live a full life than not. Most of the time. Here, you don't really have much of a choice, the way shit's set up."

"We are a country perpetually at war," the young king explained. "Our last king, His Majesty King Zypha...he was empirical, I suppose you could say." Uhra had expanded under his father's reign. And those before him, of course.

"That's changing now, though. There are only two countries left in Plank, and Uhra has a sworn treaty of peace with Numara that will not be broken." Even if an idiot had taken the throne in his absence, none were foolish enough to go against Her Majesty. And surely there were personal ties, as well as political ones to cement their alliance.

"And I wouldn't say there's no choice here," he went on, once more playing his instrument. "They have been horrible, but I have seen wonders here. If our world is small, that means only that we need realize wonders and miracles will be to that same scale. And of course that which doesn't kill us..."

As a general principle, Renji thought the wars that humans engaged in were pretty stupid. It was a lot of squabbling and wasted life over borders, and he didn't really see the point. It all came down to greed, he guessed. "Hopefully things will be peaceful, then. Life's short enough as it is."

He snorted. "Yeah, it does make you stronger. Which is a good attitude to have. Everything's a fight, and that's sure one way to get your act together." He wasn't sure about the wonders and miracles stuff. He hadn't seen anything like that in the time he'd been stuck in the Institute. The one time things had been looking up, it'd turned out to be the set up for the fall.

Just because of that train of thought, his face fell back into grim lines.

Day 60: Music Room (Fourth Shift)

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