damned_institute | Day 55: Courtyard [4th Shift]

Entry tags:

Day 55: Courtyard [4th Shift]

Talking with friends usually put Anise in a better mood, but the subjects that she, Guy, and Tear covered at lunch were so heavy that Anise couldn't help but feel weighed down afterward. It was hard to think and talk about the terrible things that came about from her lies. She wasn't going to cry, not now, but she felt like she needed a little space.

Fortunately, children were going out to the Courtyard today, and that sounded like a good, wide area where she could get a little alone time. The fresh air could help her mood, too.

When Anise reached the door, however, a blast of cold air rushed in at her, and all she could see outside was a blinding veil of whiteness. For a moment, she simply stared at the sight. She never saw much for snow at Landel's, but here it had already covered everything in just one day!

"You might need this," a soldier said, presenting a black jacket to her. The color and style really didn't suit Anise, but it looked expensive. She slipped it on, and while it wasn't as feminine as she liked her clothes to be, the lining actually had a nice feel to it. On the left breast, she noticed a name embroidered over it. It wasn't her name, but it was still kind of impressive that they personalized these things.

Outside, snow had settled onto every surface, like a big fluffy blanket over the ground. Anise walked along the path for a bit, creating a single set of footprints in the otherwise smooth surface. Once she was a fair distance from the doors, she diverged from the path (which was barely visible to begin with) and walked to the edge of the pond, watching the falling snowflakes disappear into the water.

It was a pretty sight, but it wasn't enough to completely take her mind off of Ion. Before long, Anise found herself wondering if it was snowing where Ion was, too. Maybe he was really far away, though...

[waiting for her boyfriends ♥]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

The 'oh' was only expected. A confused sort of acceptance that spoke nothing of understanding. And even Albedo could see that he was in the wrong. Expecting understanding without giving anything was faulty. As faulty as expecting a twin to appear simply because you felt him. As if impressions could be trusted. Albedo had seen had perception could be altered. In all facts, feeling Rubedo could be nothing but a lie, created and fashioned for the enjoyment of his own lovely heart. And for what purpose? What motive was this? Mm, it wasn't so obvious. But it was thick with basis. Less so was another thought, but that held too close to coincidence. A twin appears hours after a brother warns of the appearance of a false version? Too obvious perhaps. Too much basing in visuals. And Albedo couldn't even say for certain, too wrapped up was he in tearing the life from the one he was torn from, to tell if there was anything off, other than a lack of recollection.

Both, though. Had not been so surprised at seeing him, supposedly fifteen years younger. Albedo wondered in there was something in that. If he, too, did not age....

His musings were interrupted by something that had not come as expected. Albedo's head tilted to the side, confused for a moment by something that he could not place into habit. His expression broke into bewilderment, and he laughed, nothing corrupted in the sound. Shaking his head, he took the dripping snow and squeezed it for a moment, before giving Ritsuka a half-grin and leaning his head back again to repeat the ministration. "A lot of things," he agreed, almost cheerily. "For instance, here I never would have thought I'd find those who seem to enjoy my presence at all." He glanced at the other from the corner of his eyes. "You don't hate me, then?"

When Albedo took the snow from his hands, Ritsuka watched him. There was no mirth to his smile. He knew that look from wearing it before and seeing it worn on other faces, never ones quite so young. It was painful and Ritsuka frowned, knowing that if he still had his ears during the day, they'd be flat against his skull and his tail would be hiding between his legs. Of all people, Ritsuka knew that youth did not afford a person innocence automatically, but he had hoped that people weren't like him. It made him more interested in Albedo, though. He wanted to know about him, what he'd been through to make him smile that way.

Ritsuka turned away then, kneeling down next to the bench were Albedo sat to make a few more snowballs. The cold made his hands tingle, almost painfully so, but he didn't stop. Albedo's headache wouldn't be cured by a few handfuls of packed ice, but it would likely make him feel better. He paused his actions when Albedo spoke to him again and Ritsuka lowered his eyes.

Hate was a strong word. It meant no going back. It meant a lot of things that he didn't feel toward Albedo, and so shook his head. "I don't hate you," he said quietly, lining the snowballs up on the edge of the bench for Albedo to take when he needed them. "I don't like what you did, using your gun against that guy, but I don't hate you. You did what you thought you had to do. I can't blame you for that."

The other crouched and then kneeled, and something that had expected Ritsuka to just walk away loosened in him. As Ritsuka moved to make more mounds of snow, Albedo began to outright stare, too interested in this one, a pacifist in nature that seemed to accept a monstrous creature. It was a folktale in motion, if one looked at the details, and Albedo didn't have the energy to analyse it. His head still pounded, but interest pressed harder, and the dull squeezing regressed in the slightest of ways. He straightened somewhat, listening.

There was nothing to say to what the other said, nothing to explain or circumvent the process of. It was obvious Ritsuka disliked what happened, but there was something else there. What had it been-- A hatred of the act instead of the user? Interesting. Something too different from what he knew.

...Or was it, really? What had Nigredo said that night? To forgive him of his sins. Albedo had nearly killed Rubedo, Nigredo before, and his little brother still offered that with no hesitation but madness. It was something to consider, to mull over. Something to see what it meant.

"I was worried about you," he said suddenly, eyes intent. "You seemed...." He trailed off, touching his eyes in explanation. Last night had worried him for Ritsuka, a new sensation for one not of blood. "Are you all right now?" He tilted his head slightly, snow settling into his hair to match. "Do you normally only have different ears at night?"

The ice was melting in his hands, causing his skin to tingle and prickle, pain seeping in. He pressed the excess water out and set another snowball down on the bench. Albedo had gone quiet and Ritsuka followed suit. The silence wasn't uncomfortable to him. It was a pause, a hush before the conversation continued. It allowed his friend to gather his thoughts and for Ritsuka to do the same. He breathed warm air against his fingers and looked at the skin flushing pink at the sensation.

He didn't hate Albedo. Just like he didn't hate Seimei, despite what everyone told him about his brother. He wanted to believe in him and trust in someone. He wanted to believe that his brother wasn't like the other Sacrifices and Fighters said. He wanted to trust that the Seimei he knew was the real Seimei. He'd been on his way to prove that, to uncover his brother's reality when he'd arrived here instead and found him alive. But just as soon as they were reunited, Seimei had disappeared. Then Soubi had arrived and--

"I was worried about you."

Ritsuka raised his head slightly, still staring at the snow his hands were ready to dip into.

"You seemed..."

Fingers dug through the light dusting of snow, raking along grass.

"Are you all right now? Do you normally only have different ears at night?"

The snow began to pile up and he nodded, trying to chase away the feeling that he might one day have to face Seimei doing the same as Albedo had done last night. What if Seimei had the capacity to do what Albedo did? Out of concern? And worry. "I'm okay. I can hear better now," he said, scraping his hands lightly along the ground as he began to build another snow pack. "And I'm supposed to be like that all the time, but since coming here... Yeah, it's only at night. Everyone has them in my world until they become an adult."

Right. Ritsuka had said that much before, but now the rest was clear. Only at night. Another piece for consumption, for the weak farce of normality during the night. As if some were not such obvious monsters. Such frightening beasts. Albedo glanced down again, and decided he disliked the distance. The boy slid off the bench, settling with his legs folded in front of him, then reached out to stop Ritsuka's hands from moving, feeling the cold temperature they had dropped to.

"I won't ask again, if you don't want," he started suddenly. "But how are you doing? After that one day." The day Ritsuka had been so upset in the way of looking broken, the day that Albedo had moved to hug him without asking for an allowance. That day the thought had been so strange, and now he was grasping the other's hands without a thought. As it was, so it is, as it would be. He couldn't question it currently. "Do you need anything?"

Suddenly, Albedo joined him on the ground and Ritsuka jumped slightly at the unexpected touch. Albedo's hands were cold, too, but there was a slight warmth to them that Ritsuka's did not have. It had been awhile since someone had held his hands like this and he stared at the sight like it was foreign. His surprise held only for a moment before it gave way to something bittersweet; memories overlapping and squeezing his heart painfully.

That one day. The way Albedo said those words, it was obvious he was thinking of something specific, something unforgettable, and Ritsuka remembered. It was so strange to think that it had only been a few days. Was he better? No. He'd merely pushed the pain aside so he could stay alive. He focused on other things so he wouldn't be crushed under the weight of realization. The question, though, brought it back to the forefront of his mind and Ritsuka bit his bottom lip, trying to shove it away into whatever dark corner he'd put it before.

"......" He needed Soubi to come back. He needed reassurance that some fake life wasn't better than reality. He needed to hear that Soubi hadn't left behind Seimei was still alive here and that Seimei wasn't more important to him than Ritsuka. But Albedo couldn't provide that and so he shook his head, breathing out slowly. "I'll be okay." Someday. When the shock and pain of being left behind wore off again.

He sat back on his haunches and looked at Albedo's hands on top of his. Albedo couldn't be forgotten. His memory had to be preserved. "Would you make a memory with me? One night, sometime soon. When the soldiers can't see and take the camera away."

There was no rejection in the touch, and he almost felt like that made sense at this point. Last night had been almost perfectly comfortable, with the casual touch and comfort. It was something practically unknown--foreign and alien of those not blood--and yet Albedo took it and clung to it with something like a quiet need. There was danger in this; abandonment was all but certain, and yet, he could not separate himself. It was what was, and he held to it.

He cocked his head at the response, lips twisting. Yes, wasn't that the case? Breaking and tearing, and then what was there but to place the pieces in a way ill-suited to their design? Albedo would understand this like no other. Even if it was possible for a continuance, there could be nothing like there was before. 'Okay' might be the best there was, in the end. "If you need anything, I can try..." To what? Help? Be there? How obscure and ill-suited for a creature like himself. Albedo's gaze flipped down.

His mind caught on Ritsuka's words, not holding their meaning. It was finally 'camera' that gave any clue, though it was more a collective consciousness than anything else that allowed recollection. Cameras. Were something used thousands of years prior. Still pictures of moments. Making a memory seemed to make sense in that way. He glanced curiously at Ritsuka, a bit hesitant. "I will," he answered. Then continued, shyly. "I've never... seen a camera. Are they difficult to use?"

Albedo didn't know what was wrong and yet he still offered...something. He never finished his sentence and Ritsuka could only guess at his meaning. Maybe that's what Albedo meant, to leave the ending blank so Ritsuka could fill it in as he needed. Try to help, try to comfort, try to be your friend, try to stay beside you... Try to remember you when everyone else has forgotten.

He missed Soubi. The Fighter's absence was an unexpected ache within him. He knew he relied on Soubi, he knew he felt something for him, but this pain at being left behind by him was something else. He hadn't thought it would hurt this much. It wasn't the same as when Seimei had died, but it was close. It was so close...

His silence was unfair to Albedo and he tried to nod, wanting nothing more than to rest his forehead against someone's chest and feel like things would be okay. He couldn't though. Not here. Not now.

Besides, Albedo was agreeing to make a memory with him so Albedo could never be forgotten. He would be preserved forever. Just like Soubi's photographs and his paintings, a different sort of memory-making, but just as poignant. Ritsuka raised his head and tried to give his friend a smile. It was likely tinged with a distant sorrow, but that would go away soon. Once he was able to again seal off the feelings for a man who was no longer there. "It isn't. I have a digital camera so I just have to point and shoot."

The boy's head tilted. There were the threads to follow and carry if he wanted to understand, but as he was, he did not know the details. A digital camera gave nothing to him. Point and shoot was far simpler, much like the dummy guns used in the first level of basic training. Or any gun, really, when you got down to it. Though Albedo didn't think his friend would like the similarity. He nodded, instead. "I'd like to do that with you. It seems like it would be fun." Something new and different. Something to experience.

Like last night, in a way. For all of its many and myriad things. Albedo's gaze dipped down as he considered. Perhaps it was because of thinking of night, or perhaps it was because he had thought of Nigredo a few minutes prior, but Albedo's mind shifted to his brother asking to meet with him tonight, Nigredo's hesitation as he asked instead to come to Albedo's room. Unknowingly, Albedo's eyes hardened, though his tone was still near to quiet.

"Maybe--" Hm. How out of sorts to ask another for advice. But he had done this before, hadn't he? A new scenario called for new input, but in this sort of thing it was better to remain silent. However, silence had created this situation. It would do nothing to fix it. Albedo glanced up at Ritsuka. "My little brother has a roommate that takes advantage of him, and has hurt him. And he won't tell me who it is, and he's the type...." Even though Nigredo had sworn to not allow it again, too many times had the boy stated his will to die. Albedo would rather it be out of Nigredo's hands. "He's the type who would let it happen. No matter what it was. He didn't used to be like...." Be like that. Allow his own demise. He had fought Albedo tooth and nail before, hadn't he? The boy couldn't remember suddenly.

"I wouldn't ask," he went on, swallowing. "But I can't leave it be. Do you know of any way to find out who it is? I can't just ask, obviously, and if I try to get there at night, he could already be gone." Certainly the other was already gone the few times Albedo had gone there. It was a hit or miss, and it seemed less his favor in that.

He agreed and Ritsuka relaxed slightly, reassured that he'd be able to save this friendship in memory forever. Even if he left or Albedo left, there would be proof they both existed and did so together. It would be evidence of their friendship in the event that either of them forgot. Ritsuka nodded his head and wanted to tell Albedo he was grateful he agreed to take a photograph with him, but his words died in his throat when he looked up to see Albedo's expression.

His friend began talking, stilted at first and then the conversation took a very different path, somewhere Ritsuka didn't like. "Your brother's roommate?"

Why did people insist on hurting each other here? It was bad enough that the monsters came after them at night and the soldiers and nurses oppressed them during the day. Now someone was hurting Albedo's brother and Albedo was asking how to find out who he was. The solution was simple, but Ritsuka wasn't certain if he wanted to tell Albedo the answer.

I can't leave it be.

The sound of the shotgun going off last night echoed in Ritsuka's mind and he frowned. If telling Albedo meant harming someone else, even if it was to protect blood family, he didn't think he could reveal a way to find people. He understood Albedo's anger and his fear better than most, but he couldn't in good conscience put someone in danger. "...If you find him, what are you going to do?"

Too clear, Ritsuka. Too obvious where the other disagreed and would disallow information. Albedo was too much of one who could understand--too much of one who could use the information gathered and step against in the most flawless of ways, acting out the part without a misstep. He had stepped as he would in the past, with the shutters on others' eyes drawn tightly and fooled. The other boy was too easily read--Albedo could respond in a detailed and absolute manner and retrieve the information the other had with little effort.

He didn't want to. That was all that was truth.

A hand retracted from the other, to press lightly against Albedo's cheek in thought. No. Ritsuka wasn't someone to play with. Albedo would answer. Truthfully and completely. With only the details of any hows withheld. "Stop him," he said seriously, violet eyes staring at the other boy. "He didn't touch me, so death is too simple. I'd rather not, unless he refuses to see reason. To listen to me. To do as I say. But he can't be allowed to continue. Nigredo is...."

Delicate despite himself. Far too easily broken for one that had such reserves and walls. All that Albedo had. All that he wanted and desired that remained.

His head moved slightly. "I can't let it continue."

Edited 2011-04-11 01:20 (UTC)

It was as he feared. Ritsuka should have known that Albedo wouldn't tell him the how, but he wasn't so blind as to be unable to infer from the words his friend chose. Death is too simple, unless he refuses to see reason, to do as I say, can't be allowed to continue... They were words hinting at whatever Albedo wouldn't say because he knew Ritsuka would object. Suddenly, Ritsuka could see and feel the barrier that would always be between them, one made from conscious and unconscious decisions that they would always disagree upon.

But he couldn't reject Albedo's desire to protect his brother, Nigredo. If Ritsuka had the chance to go back and protect Seimei from his terrible fate, he would have. If he'd known what would happen to him, he would have done everything in his power to save him. Seimei's death and destroyed their family, their mother especially. If he could just bring that back...

"...Listen, Albedo, I understand what you're saying..." The words came slowly and he knew that Albedo would pick up on Ritsuka's reluctance. He had to know after all they talked about. "...but I can't tell you if you're thinking of hurting them. You know that."

There was no change. "Then you won't," he said simply. "I said that's not my first option, but I won't stay my hand if they won't stay theirs. I'm defending what is..." Mine, was the unfinished statement, but that was too disquieting to speak, even to Albedo. "It's close to life and death, how it is," he continued. "So there's no way I would promise that when that is what's at stake."

He took a breath in, closing his eyes momentarily. "It was just a question, in the end," he spoke quietly. Nothing more, nothing less, and that was the truth. Placed before any other and Albedo expected nothing. The fact that he thought at all that it would be different spoke too much of his own changes. Perhaps he was seeing similarities when it was only alike. He understood quite well how different the Variant's relations were. It was foolish to believe that someone could understand, even if they did have a brother. Had. Was that how Ritsuka had survived it?

It was cruel to think and he wouldn't speak it. This didn't matter. There was no reason for a cause and effect. Nothing, in the end, was changed. Albedo was still separate, but that was an absolute. It wasn't as if any could possibly understand. It was just a question. He would find another way.

If worst came to worst, he would rip the information from his baby brother's mind. Better that than Nigredo's demise.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Day 55: Courtyard [4th Shift]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject