Day 44: breakfast

[thatdamnedninja.livejournal.com]

Yuffie had died.

No, really. Seriously. She had actually died. Bleeding all over the place, making a horrid, sticky mess and scaring the hell out of Suzaku; she remembered it clearly. Kind of. Sort of. Through the blood loss, the pain, and the visions. Through Aerith's voice whispering in her ear, Cloud's stricken eyes, and her own panic. As bad nights went, it had been Bad, capital B and all the trimmings, and oh, god. She sat, trembling on the edge of her bed, eyes closed and hands pressed hard over her racing heart. The by-play between Landel—Landel!—and Lydia barely even sunk in. There was nothing in the whole world, any world, that could prepare you for something like…

Had it all been some kind of hallucination?

Had she imagined the whole thing?

No… She didn't think so. Nightmarish or not, Yuffie knew reality. But if it had been real, how was she alive now? That kind of pain wasn't something you could just cook up, was it? She thought about it all the way to the cafeteria, drifting behind her nurse without focus or intent. Maybe if she tried to stay clinical, tried to step back… But she'd never been good at that when things got personal. And every time she closed her eyes or blinked, she swore that the scenes played back to her, like an overused commercial on a crappy channel on a crappy TV, in a run-down dump of an inn that smelled like mothballs and yesterday's breakfast.

The scent of blood and damp, rotted wood clogged her nose. Disgusted, Yuffie shoved her bowl of cereal—handed to her by a clucking Plucky—off to the side so that she could melt into her chair, palm heels scrubbing against her eyes. Too much. This was… Too much. She couldn't even paste a plastic smile on her face to make herself feel better. Her usual shield, the white noise of inane babble that could filter out almost any crisis, was in tatters all around her. Five minutes, she gave herself.

Five minutes (not) to think, five minutes to get her act together, because there was no way she could let herself shatter here. No way…

[Closed to Sheena]

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[toobothersome.livejournal.com]

He tensed slightly at the idea that leaders were replaceable, but Shikamaru knew that it was a reasonable conclusion to draw based on what he'd said about Kakashi.

"In my case, there's nothing to report," he said. "He knows exactly what happened, if he experienced it himself, and it's obvious that he doesn't want to talk about his own experience." A lot had taken place after Asuma's death, and as a fellow jounin, Kakashi would have been there for it. Shikamaru had distanced himself from the body. Even the word 'body' made something in his haze solidify enough to recoil, and he closed his eyes, waiting for the nausea to pass. It was no secret in Konoha; his absence must have been noticed at Asuma's funeral.

"Kakashi's much stronger than me," he added, words simple, as if he were stating a fact about the weather. "He can handle this stuff better. He's had more experience." At least, he could separate himself from his emotions well enough to continue functioning at the same level. "I won't be going with the group tonight," Shikamaru continued, "and I'll tell him that much. I'm a liability." He held himself to the same standards he'd used on Sai the night before. Shikamaru was in no condition to strategize. Even now, under or over his numbness, he felt the chill of rain and lingering scent of smoke and blood. "If you want to report to him, that's your call." If Shikamaru didn't plan on accompanying the team, there was no reason to waste Kakashi's time with his emotional state, even if Kakashi was willing to listen.

Another quiet moment passed. Shikamaru was good at long silences, but usually they were much more comfortable, the kind spent alone or casually with friends. Not this. After a while, he rubbed his neck and looked up. Halogen lighting. Blank white. "I don't know," he said in response to the last question. "I'm not great at helping people with that kind of stuff." He wasn't sure if making someone cry could be considered a positive outcome. "I figured you'd rather go to someone you're closer to, but if you do want to talk to me, I'll do what I can." Considering how eager he'd been for escape the night before, it was a hefty offer.

Shikamaru finally gave in and pulled one leg to his body, arms loosely folded around it and chin resting on his knee. Being secretive wasn't in his nature, and though others might consider his emotions excessive or shameful, he wasn't about to start hiding his weaknesses. "I can't talk about it. I would if I could. I just thought I'd moved past all of this stuff, and it's a pain in the ass to see that I haven't." There was no way to fulfill any of his promises if he kept acting like a kid, and despite the pain and blood and actually dying, the occurrence had reminded him how important those promises had been.

[tsunagari.livejournal.com]

"You're good at making excuses." Sai felt detached from the situation, the feeling having only grown as Shikamaru continued to speak. The boy was babbling, addressing matters that didn't need to be addressed. And once again there was that need to offer some form of comfort, to express feelings he was unfamiliar with or to give words of encouragement, only he didn't know what he'd say.

He clasped his hands in his lap. "Kakashi needn't tell us anything he's uncomfortable with, and the same goes for you. You seem worried about an interrogation when such measures wouldn't be necessary. What happened with you obviously caused some severe mental stress, and the Institute forces enough out of us without us adding to it." Sai wasn't certain he was getting the right message across, as this particular conversation wasn't one he dealt with on the field. This was Naruto's territory.

"It's simply a matter of not being left alone with your thoughts." A kunai in the door, a cry for help and the need for an open ear. "I couldn't begin to claim I was any good at this sort of thing. You might know better than me when it all comes down to it." Though what they really needed was a third party. Perhaps this was why he kept mentioning the jounin.

[toobothersome.livejournal.com]

Shikamaru gave a small snort of laughter at the idea that he was good at excuses. It wasn't as lighthearted and genuine as it would have normally sounded, instead mildly hollow but not derisive. He felt as though he were going through the motions, but at least he was going through the motions. That counted for something. He could just be curled up under his blanket, which he'd vastly prefer.

"What do you think Kakashi can do?" Shikamaru asked. Maybe the jounin could do something for Sai, but Shikamaru was sick of depending on people who were going to die. He was getting sick of depending on people, period, and he was getting really sick of the fact that he couldn't even depend on himself.

He unfolded enough to rest his chin in his hand, which was a substantial improvement even though he still didn't meet the eyes of the boy across from him. "I need to be left alone with my thoughts, though," he said. He picked up the fork and swirled the warm syrup, remembered the consistency of blood, then put the fork back on the table. There were too many differences in their training...essentially, they needed opposite things, and what each of them needed was contradictory to what they thought was their nature. "Kakashi likes trying to help people. I don't think he'll interrogate me, but he'll try to help me, and I need to do this myself. I promised someone I'd learn to act more like an adult." It was a tall order for someone like Shikamaru, but he planned to follow through with it. Last night's reminder left it painfully fresh in his thoughts. "I've been depending on people my whole life."

After frowning at the plastic utensils for what seemed like longer than it actually was, Shikamaru's expression changed to something thoughtful and he looked up. "Did that bother you? Me dying?" It hadn't occurred to him that that might be part of the discussion. He'd been sure it was only about Sai's visitor shift and related concerns, Sai's training, and Shikamaru's own issues with death, particularly Asuma's.

[tsunagari.livejournal.com]

"I..." Sai stared at the table, a frown on his face - something he'd been showing quite a bit more often since he'd been brought into this place. Had it bothered him? "Death is something you see often on the battlefield, or during difficult missions. I've lost teammates in the past, but..." He shook his head, at a loss of how to properly put his feelings into words. "There was something different about that. The suddenness of it and the lack of any real source for your suffering. It was wrong."

And the way Shikamaru's blood had run through his fingers, staining sheets that would be magically clean come morning. If the other ninja had died for good then, he would have found the death to be incredibly cheapened and meaningless.

He raised his eyes, looking lost. "I don't know what talking with Kakashi would do for you. I honestly don't know what to recommend at all, but that seemed like the best idea." From what he'd read and from what he'd seen... But people were different. He was aware of that. He and Shikamaru were nothing alike, and he wasn't even sure a talk with the jounin would help himself. "I apologize if you think I'm in the wrong."

[toobothersome.livejournal.com]

"I just don't want to keep depending on people," Shikamaru said. He noted Sai's expression and frowned himself, though the expression didn't seem anywhere near as foreign on him. "It's one thing to depend on your team, and I do. But Kakashi's got his own things to deal with, and I can't keep going to him for help on emotional matters." He sort of wished he could. Not that he'd had any serious emotional concerns at home--most of his problems were limited to pushy women and the general hassle of life--but he knew that if anything had ever actually, seriously been wrong, he could have talked about it with Asuma. Funny how that worked.

"There's nothing to apologize for," he said with a shrug and a small smile that was about 85% genuine. Sai was trying to help, despite how hard Shikamaru imagined it must be for him. "If I really can't handle it, I'll go to someone before it gets worse. It's just, I have to try to do this myself. I've never been on my own like this before."

It looked like the nurses were clearing people out and picking up trays, so he stood up. "If you need anything, though, you know how to get in touch with any of us."