damned_institute | Day 43: Courtyard, Third Shift

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Day 43: Courtyard, Third Shift

Once again, Endrance's nurse interfered with his plans. He had been planning to look around the Game Room, but the moment he began to move towards the Sun Room, she had taken him by the arm. "Your family has asked that we make sure you get as much fresh air and sunshine has possible, and you won't get that by staying inside playing video games all day."

He had thought for a moment about protesting, but decided against it. After all, if what had happened to Haseo was punishment for having spoken too strongly the day before, he didn't want to make that worse somehow. So, when given the choice of going out to the recreational field or the courtyard, he chose the latter.

There were a few reasons behind the decision, the most salient being that he wanted to see what the area looked like for a second time - this time without the threat of a brainwashed patient surprising him. The second reason was just as strong as the first, and it had to do with the presence of a second former Demon Palace Emperor. As energetic as she was normally in The World, he couldn't imagine Alkaid not wanting to spend some time outside.

Just as before, he sat down under a tree by the side of the pond, keeping one eye on the door.

[closed to Alkaid]

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It was probably for the best that Leon had gotten some real sleep for a change--and apparently a lot of it--but he still felt a bit put out that he'd lost so much time that he could have spent doing at least marginally useful things.

"I'm sure. He's quite determined to believe we're friends." Leon tried to sound properly disgusted with Stahn, but he suspected that a tiny hint of fondness had crept into his tone somehow.

Fanziska was starting to remind Frey a little bit of his mother, but he knew better than to say anything of the sort to such a young woman--she would no doubt be insulted. Not that his mother was old, but certainly she was older than Franziska and while Frey didn't have much skill at "small talk," he did have some diplomatic sense. "I hope so. Being a good example to Lym is just about the best thing I could ever aim for. She's going to be shaping the future of our country for many years." And, of course, Frey loved his little sister and wanted the best for her.

That left him speechless for a bit. The Boss -- Snake had told him that timelines were screwed here and that people came back from the dead, but he couldn't really make anything of it. In his mind, it didn't make sense -- other people might come back to life, but not The Boss; and as much as he sometimes wished for it, even if it might be possible, he knew that was never allowed to happen.

Big Boss didn't quite know how to categorize his feelings right now. He was as angry as he was sad and disappointed, and for a second he wished that Fox hadn't told him, just as Big Boss himself had never disclosed too much information about The Boss, not even when pressed -- it was too intimate, and even to Fox he had only mentioned her a couple of times at best. What had really happened back then lived on only in his memory now, like she had wanted it.

Everyone else had no damn clue anyway, nor did they understand her.

"She's not anymore?" He said after a while, trying not to let his emotions slip into his voice. It was a sensitive topic, and he had to tread carefully himself in this territory.

"What did you tell her?" There were hundreds of other questions he wanted to ask -- how was she, did she talk about me, is she content -- but for now that one would have to do.

Fox was doing his best to read Big Boss carefully, trying to judge how he was reacting to this. It looked like there were things that Fox shouldn't mention, not even to Big Boss. Well, he'd just have to remember and make sure that things that happened before didn't happen again.

"Most of what I told her... I don't know how much she believed me at first, but I told her... I told her a little bit about Zanzibar, and about Snake. And I need to tell you about Snake too, what he could be, eventually. I don't think she trusted me, or thought I was a very good soldier, but I did my best to help her. I'm sorry she had to go through this but I'm glad I got the chance to meet her," Fox said. "She's out there, somewhere, now." He gestured over the courtyard wall.

Thinking about The Boss also reminded Fox of the changes she'd brought about in Snake, and Fox glanced in his direction again. Well, at least with Big Boss here, there was no way Snake could get it in his head that he needed to be his father. He had to very carefully keep his facial expression blank and his body still to avoid giving away how he was feeling and what he was thinking. There were some things he just didn't want to share.

"That's not what she would think," Big Boss mused, trying to force himself out of his own nostalgia. "She always recognized good and talented people, and I'm pretty sure that's what she saw in you as well. However..."

He didn't want to hear about what Boss might have had to say about Zanzibar -- he was pretty sure of himself, but for some reason she just didn't need to know -- though that tidbit about Snake piqued his interest. But then he remembered something the Boss had told him once, and decided that he did not want to know anything about the future right now. What mattered was what was happening right there and then.

A strong man doesn't need to read the future. He makes his own.

"--However, I think that whatever transpired at Zanzibar is no one's business but our own." Big Boss leaned his head back a bit; talking for so long was tiring...he should probably rest a bit more, especially if whatever happened at night was true. And Snake was still around, and as long as that was the case, he couldn't help but keep an eye on him permanently. As if he feared getting a knife in the back the moment he wasn't looking --

"But I'm glad you got to meet her, too. A lot more people should have," he said quietly, looking stricken for the briefest moment.

"She wanted to know what happened to you. I didn't go into detail, but I did mention that it was Snake," Fox said, looking at Big Boss. "Why don't you sit down under the tree, it's actually pretty nice out here," Fox sat down as he spoke. Big Boss looked a lot more like he needed to sit down than Fox did, and he felt that sitting down first would give him a better chance of convincing him to do it.

It was certainly time to move away from this topic, even if nothing else Fox had to talk about would be any less painful. It hurt to have to tell Big Boss these things when he knew that it was just going to cause them both more pain and grief. No one's business but our own... perhaps, although Fox didn't regret letting Lyta find out anything she might have seen in his mind.

He sighed, and moved to sit down next to Fox -- a little less gracefully than usual, but that was the last thing on his mind right now. "Did she."

It was weird to talk about her like she was still alive. She certainly was -- within himself, mind, spirit, and heart, but the body was gone. He hadn't heard her voice in over 30 years, but never forgotten the sound of it.

A mild breeze was blowing. Fox was right, it was nice out here -- if you were able to disregard that they were actually trapped in a 'mental institution' most likely run by The Patriots. With the support of the tree in his back, he might even be able to relax for a while.

Zanzibar...not a happy topic, but probably one they'd have to talk about sooner or later.

"You know..." Big Boss started, but paused for a moment in search of the right words. "When Metal Gear D was destroyed, and Zanzibar's fall was imminent, I thought that I had lost everything that I had still left, and maybe I have. I knew I was sending many of my men to their sure deaths, including you, and I'd probably do it again. I stand by my own decisions, and I respect yours, but regardless -- I want you to know that I'm sorry. I wish things could have been different, at least for you...and your fiancé."

But it's never that simple. They'd gone through this countless times before, and Big Boss had stopped trying to convince anyone to stay away from the battlefield when he himself wasn't the best rolemodel when it came to that. It didn't change the fact that he wished that all the fighting would have at least changed something, but in the end, they just kept doing something they knew how to do, and the outcome didn't matter. They were all ghosts, repeating the things they'd done all their life in order to feel alive. Mozambique had been full of them.

"Even so...It feels good to have you here." You and me, against the world... "Kinda hypocritical, isn't it?"

This really wasn't a conversation Fox ever expected he'd have, and he listened silently while Big Boss spoke, about Zanzibar, and about Natasha. It felt like so long ago that he'd loved Natasha, and then what had happened in Zanzibar... he still felt as though it was entirely his fault, it was his fault she'd gotten into military affairs. Talking about this, hearing Big Boss say it, was like being dropped into icy water, there was a little bit of pain and shock before numbness managed to set in so he could deal with it.

"I knew, going in, that it would probably be our last battle one way or another," Fox hadn't been very optimistic about his chances of surviving when he'd decided to go to Zanzibar, but he'd never given up on fighting to win, to live. "I've also accepted that men like us don't have a chance at a normal life, especially if there's a woman involved... I shouldn't have gotten involved with a civilian, it was my fault she was there, but I don't regret going to Zanzibar, or what I did there." Poor Natasha, so beautiful and graceful and she'd gone into Zanzibar because she had loved him. "I thought that we'd be together, again, when the dust settled and we were all in the after life, but they just won't let us rest in peace. I'm glad I can be here for you, Boss."

"I know, Frank," Big Boss just said, before he fell quiet again. Those were things they had delibaretely ignored in Zanzibarland -- just outright refused to talk about, because there were so many battles to fight and so little time left. They both knew that.

"I know. As long as that is what you want to do, what you feel you need to do, there's nothing wrong about thinking that way. And I promise you that someday we will go to rest with the knowledge that we have changed something, that all the fighting wasn't for nothing." For ourselves. "The Boss once told me this: In the end, you have to choose whether you're going to live as a soldier, or just another man with a gun. Being a soldier, a man or woman who fights for something or someone...that's what we are, but that doesn't mean we don't have the right to decide what that something is. Whatever it is, it's important that you don't lose sight of it. Once you do, you're nothing more than a killer -- and a tool. Don't let that happen, look forward and remember what really matters, that's all I ask of you for now."

They'd been through this before, too, and it was likely that Big Boss was rather talking to himself than to Fox, in order to remind himself of his own motivations, goals, and dreams. Outer Heaven and Zanzibar had drained him, and this environment didn't help. But how went the saying...third time's the charm?

Edited 2009-08-26 21:27 (UTC)

Fox remained quiet again while Big Boss spoke, letting him go on about things that he knew quite well himself, although he hadn't heard that part about The Boss before. "I always fought for what I believed in, Boss, and I won't lose sight of what I need to do." That was really all there was to say to that, although he had been a killer for a very long time, Big Boss didn't need to be reminded of the fact.

There were other things that Fox needed to tell Big Boss, to show him, but it wasn't exactly easy to approach certain topics. If he hadn't already learned from his mistake about keeping this a secret with Snake he would've been tempted to not bring it up at all, but at night he couldn't hide the effects of the implant on his spine. "We should meet up tonight, I have the tools to turn the radios in the patience rooms into two-way radios. I need to do that for Snake and Otacon as well."

While he wasn't sure it was a good idea to have Big Boss and Snake in the room together, the two did need to learn how to at least be in the same room and not try to kill one another. Perhaps if he got them together for the sake of getting something done they would behave.

"Sounds good. I wanted to ask you about that anyway." He got carried away instead, but he chalked it up to the sedative. Or maybe it really was his old age. He tended to speak a lot more nowadays; no more monosyllablic responses. Thought he'd had the time for that, back then.

"And who's...Octagon? I don't recognize the name." Automatically, he thought back to the guy he'd briefly seen Snake hang out with, but it was too early to jump to conclusions. Might as well be an acquaintance of Fox, but what he really cared about was if that person was trustworthy. There was no way he'd stick around with shady people he didn't know, and even then, that didn't mean anything. The only one Big Boss trusted here was Fox, and of course there was someone else, but he wasn't here right now. And maybe that was for the best.

As for Snake, it was too early to say that the urge to kill him had left him yet.

"Otacon," Fox said, emphasizing the syllables. "He's the man with Snake right now, but I know him as well. He's a scientist, but he won't abandon you in a fight... even if you tell him to. Otacon has fought alongside me before, even though he doesn't remember it. He can be trusted." Fox trusted him, and he hoped Big Boss would too. This wasn't going to work if they were all constantly expecting to be stabbed in the back.

"As for Snake... don't be too hard on him, Boss. I know you can't see it now, and he's got a long way to go, but he'll grow into someone you'd be proud of, if he's given the chance," Fox looked at Big Boss very intently as he said that, wanting to make it as clear a possible without saying it outright that he wasn't going to let the two of them fight one another here.

If they started fighting amongst themselves there was no chance they'd ever be able to take down whoever was behind this. Fox had suspected that Big Boss had been brought here just to make him suffer more, but he wondered if creating tension and undermining the effort to take this place down wasn't the real reason he was here. It was a gamble on the part of their captors if that was the case, if they managed to work together, Fox was sure they would be much more of a threat to whoever, or whatever, was behind this. But if they couldn't, this could stop any chance they had of winning.

"If you know any ninjas, you might know some of who I've met. There's others," Jiraiya began to list them, ending with. ".. And Elena. Smart girl. Pretty too."

He paused for a moment, thinking. There.. really wasn't a name for his world, was there? It was just the planet they lived on, really. Although it'd be rather nice to have a name for it. It's at least make things easier.

"Ours doesn't have a name, unfortunately. At least, not that I know of. We just call it home."

"I see. I... did not realize the extent of the infection's psychological effect," Faize admitted, apologetic. With limited knowledge and no experience with the infection, it was difficult to give useful advice. And besides that, envisioning an illness that could drive someone to actively seek and attack other humans was highly disturbing, and it had to be several times worse for Adelheid. He was the one who was actually struggling with the disease. Perhaps Faize really shouldn't have said anything at all...

Adelheid's small laugh earned him a perplexed look for a brief moment. Faize didn't know many who could joke in the face of such horrible circumstances, but perhaps that was Adelheid's way of dealing with the situation. That, or he was simply strong enough to remain his usual self while suffering from the illness. Faize was not confident that he could do the same.

"I suppose it is rather ironic," he agreed after a moment.

"Hn." Big Boss's gaze drifted over to other patients, but he couldn't see Snake from this angle; and he was tired of looking at him, anyway. No matter if the people here suffered the same fate, there was always a slim chance that it was all a setup, that everyone was fake -- including Fox, but for now he wanted to believe he wasn't, because he needed an ally, because he needed to trust someone. Big Boss closed his eye, concentrating on the sounds around him only.

"I wouldn't know. I always hoped he'd do something with the things I gave him and stop turning a blind eye to what is going on around him, and his own nature. He's a warrior. And unlike me, he doesn't have forty years to realize that."

He didn't necessarily mean to say the last part, but it had slipped out. Maybe Fox already knew, maybe not, either way, he'd have to tell him sometime.

"I do know, he will. Even if he doesn't know it yet." Fox said. He'd seen Snake starting to become someone that could fight for what he believed in, and what he'd heard from Snake, Otacon, and even Raiden while they were all here only confirmed it. Even with this situation, Fox held out hope that Snake could still become a good warrior.

Since Big Boss had let it slip just now, Fox decided to head off that discussion. "I know what Snake is, Boss. I also know he's not the only one." He'd also seen that Snake aged more quickly for himself, both in Shadow Moses and here, when Snake had arrived.

It was tragic that Snake's life had to be shorter just because of the way he came into existence. Not that many people in their profession lived to be old men, and even then there was no promise that life would be pleasant at the end.

Edited 2009-08-27 17:42 (UTC)

Well, that came as no surprise for some reason. If he'd have to take a guess, Fox probably had the pleasure of meeting Liquid before, and that guy had been raised with the knowledge of being a clone of the greatest soldier that ever lived. He'd been proud of his heritage, proud and arrogant, and the few times Big Boss had seen him he considered it his duty to bring him back down to earth, with more or less adequate means; and little did Big Boss know or care what that had done to the teenager.

"Good. I'm not in the mood to explain it right now. I was thinking often about telling you, but in the end, it wasn't that important, nor would it have changed anything."

Except that he was able to tell Snake the truth in order to spite him -- or help him.

"It was done without my consent. I was in a coma when it happened. I'm sure you remember the scar; that's the injury that knocked me out cold for several months. Maybe you can understand now why I consider Snake's betrayal the worst I've had to deal with yet," he said, and meant it. Not even EVA or Zero came close in that aspect.

He didn't need to teach Snake what he knew. He didn't need to give him a home, a family. They could have placed him in the unit as their ace in the hole, and Big Boss could have given him the cold shoulder, or made sure that he died in an tragic accident before he ever got to carry out his first mission (nevermind what a mess that would have been, backlash and all).

-- But he didn't. And Snake had nothing better to do than thank him by killing the very man who cared for him on his first mission. Things like these made him wonder if he hadn't been able to pass on the message, that personal loyalty always came before loyalty to a country.

Most likely. The more he tried to be just like her, the more things went wrong.

"I tried, at least."

Edited 2009-08-29 17:09 (UTC)

Otacon tore his gaze away from Big Boss and back to the young man who was his clone. They didn't look so alike — more father and son than the same person at different ages — and he wondered if that could all be attributed to Snake's shortened telomeres, or something else. Other subtle genetic modifications, or environmental effects while growing up, or just... different men, with different reasons to feel resigned.

"You were a lot more than just an old soldier," Otacon answered, his voice soft. "At least to me." He looked at Snake (bruised, battered, too familiar) a second longer, then raised a hand again to fiddle with his glasses, half-obscuring his face. He thought of the last time they'd spoken — before Landel's, before Meryl and Johnny's wedding — a conversation of mostly awkward stilted comments, simultaneously trying to acknowledge what Snake was about to do and completely avoid talking about it, ending with a handshake and a hug. There hadn't really been a need for words. Snake had already known how important he was to Otacon, just as Otacon had already known the depth of his friend's trust in him. Even so... he wished he'd said something more.

Otacon shook his head. "I keep forgetting how strange this must be for you," he muttered, and smiled self-consciously. "With me coming out of nowhere and claiming to be your friend, not mention all these other... reunions. At least from where I was pulled from, I already know who these people are, even if I've never properly met them."

"Perhaps it is similar to what the staff suffers from... I'm in full control of myself during the day, but at night?" He just hoped that the infection wasn't permanent. A few nights, perhaps, he could endure- it would be hell on earth for him, but he could endure it. But endless nights of such torment, no hope of a cure whatsoever? He'd prefer death to something like that. Especially since it meant that he and his beloved sister could never again trust each other as thoroughly as they once had.

Still, now he shook his head, deciding that he'd probably spent enough time on that topic of conversation. Monopolizing such talks weren't usually his style, and making it so personal? If it wasn't such an extraordinary event, he might not have had to. So then, he said, "...I apologize for going on about that topic. Not exactly the usual topic of conversation, I admit."

"It does feel strange," Snake agreed, "but maybe that's a good thing. Perhaps this is what I needed. I don't know what this means, but - " his eyes clouded - "I like it here. Almost. I don't need to be told how sick it is that I feel this way. But here, I have a job to do. I have things, not people, to fight. My best friend is here. And then there's people like you, who I don't know, but who know me. I don't expect you to understand why I feel this way, or to forgive me for it."

And then he saw what Big Boss and Fox were doing. His stomach churned at the image of them holding each other like old friends, and he shot a look of disgust at them before standing up and trying to pretend he hadn't seen it.

He couldn't even pretend he had any reason for wanting to do this besides jealousy, but nonetheless he took Otacon's upper arm gently with his left hand, and then, rather stiffly, hugged him with his one working arm, his broken one hanging limply by his side in its sling.

"I'm going to see Big Boss again tonight," he reminded Otacon, speaking in Otacon's ear. "Don't stay in the neighbourhood, and especially don't think about engaging him yourself. Go somewhere else and keep safe. Got it?"

Edited 2009-08-29 15:59 (UTC)

The same ailment as the staff? Now that was a chilling thought. Adelheid was perhaps the closest thing to a friend that Faize had within these walls. For that person to face the possibility of becoming a monster...

Faize shook his head at the apology. "Please, don't apologize. I believe I was guilty of something similar just yesterday." The unavoidable end of Eldar was not a pleasant subject, he was sure, and while he didn't speak long on it, it had caused their last conversation to end on a somewhat depressing note. "Besides, I believe there are times when it's best to talk about what weighs on your mind." It was perhaps hypocritical of Faize to say something like that, being one who kept all of his worst feelings and experiences well below the surface, but it was true that he didn't mind listening to others talk about their problems.

From the way the nurses seemed to be gathering nearby, it appeared that the shift was winding to a close. There wasn't likely to be enough time to begin to speak on a more enjoyable subject, unfortunately, but they at least had the time to wrap up their current discussion.

"I remember," Fox said. He remembered it very well, but he didn't agree with everything Big Boss had said. It was true, there had been a lot of betrayal, a lot of deception, starting in Outer Heaven and ending in Zanzibar Land.

Now wasn't the time to go into it, though. They couldn't keep living in the past if they were going to deal with the present situation. "We should meet up tonight, I'm in room M51, it's the north-eastern most patient block. The third hallway from the entrance, the last room in the hall," Fox voiced it as a suggestion because he couldn't really order Big Boss to do anything, but he really didn't need to. They could talk more at night, and Fox could show Big Boss exactly what was in his back, because he would need to know about it. "But if you know what room you're in, it would be easier for me to come to you."

Fox looked up at the sky to track the sun in an attempt to figure out how much longer it would be before the staff decided it was time for dinner. He wondered if they'd eventually have a situation like what happened in Doyleton, where the staff would leave them out in the institute as night fell. It was unlikely, but it seemed that anything was possible in a place like this.

"M10," Big Boss recalled. He'd been very observant of his surroundings as the nurse had lead him through the institute and right to Snake, reading all the signs he could spot on their way. "Fine by me. I'll be waiting in my room, then. You know this place better than I do." There was no shame in admitting that, and even though Big Boss rarely trusted anyone these days, it wasn't an issue with Fox. Not right now, anyway -- who knew what this institute would throw at him to change that.

"So what's next on the schedule? I guess I won't be getting another tour."

And he wasn't hungry yet. Having fewer body parts and running on artificial blood had his advantages.

"Perhaps so," Adelheid answered with a quiet nod, remembering how Faize had spoken during the previous day. He hadn't minded that, but it was different to help someone else and to speak of his own problems. It wasn't something he was accustomed to, but there was something about Faize that put him a little at his ease. Perhaps it was because they were both lone survivors, or perhaps because they had some similar interests... but Adelheid liked Faize. And didn't mind having him know some of his problems, at least.

While the nurses were circling around, Adelheid shook his head as he stood up, disgusted at the inexorable flow of time. Just a little while longer, and he'd know the truth. "...we'll see whether that's true or not tonight," he quietly said, "and I hope that we can talk again tomorrow, Faize."

Otacon's eyes widened behind his glasses when Snake came close, and for a few thudding heartbeats, he froze, too surprised by the sudden gesture to react. This Snake was different, but then also wasn't, and Otacon's arms raised tentatively, feeling their way past the fresh injuries as they came around Snake's waist.

"You're crazy," Otacon muttered, with somewhat less force than he would've normally used when Snake got like this. Had he always been so... so...? Otacon didn't want to think the word suicidal, but it popped into his head anyway, and he had to wonder if was going to drive himself insane by the cyclical way his thoughts tended to run now. His hands clenched for a second in the thin material of Snake's gray shirt, and then he stepped back, out of Snake's hold.

Otacon met that steady gaze. "No," he said decisively. He knew Snake had a point — whatever he was planning, Otacon would only slow him down, and likely couldn't contribute much anyway. Going somewhere else and keeping safe would hardly be a change from his M.O. "I'm not aiding and abetting in this. Look at what he did to you! I know you've beaten him twice before, and I know you feel like your father owes you some answers, but you can't—" His voice faltered. "—can't take much more of this."

He sighed.

"Unfortunately, I also know I can't talk you out of it either. So just... be careful, Snake. Like you said, you have a job to do. It can't end here."

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Page 10 of 10

Day 43: Courtyard, Third Shift

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