damned_institute | DAY 43: CAFETERIA, MORNING

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DAY 43: CAFETERIA, MORNING

Where was Blitzwing?

Lugnut ignored the nurse's fussing over his foot, even as it howled objections to his ill treatment of it the night before, pounding through the town in search of his wingmate, reportedly helpless and injured by an attack the night before-- and not finding him, not seeing even a glimpse of his crazy triple-changing ally.

Snarling at the nurse, but restraining himself from shows of violence-- Blitzwing would mock him if he showed up drugged already, and he would be useless to Megatron like that--he made his way impatiently to the cafeteria, stopping for just long enough to post an urgent notice on the board.

Where was he?

Looming in the middle of the cafeteria, he took the tray the nurse handed him (filled with disgusting human fuel, didn't she know he didn't have time to eat, not when his wingmate was missing?) and ignored it, watching for Blitzwing, where was he?

He refused to think about what might have happened to a wheelchair-bound, drugged, incapacitated warrior, with the swarms of monsters flooding around him, clawing and biting...

[for Scourge]

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All of that scanning had led to nothing thus far, and she was just about to give up completely - something that wasn't naturally in her nature. But on one last scan, she caught a familiar shadow, and when its owner turned, she saw him and gasped, tears coming to her eyes unbidden. Thank goodness...

If she could have picked one face to see in a crowd of strangers, it would have been Suzaku's. Euphemia blinked - once, twice, three times - worried that it would disappear, or that she had been mistaking someone else for him. When she realized that she wasn't dreaming, she looked at him - really looked, now, not just to figure out his identity, but to burn his appearance into her eyes. She took note of his appearance first, and frowned. Why did he look so exhausted? More than that...what were those injuries from?

The minute that tray fell, she was up on her feet and running in his direction, but she stopped short when he stumbled backwards, eyes going wide. She was just about to ask if he was all right, or why he looked so frightened of her, or what was wrong, but those words afterward shocked the response out of her. What did he mean, it wasn't her? Of course it was, unless someone here looked a lot like her. She hadn't gone out of her way to change her appearance...

Euphemia walked up the rest of the way, taking one of his hands in both of hers. "It's me, Suzaku. It's really me." She let a few of those tears fall, not trying to hold them back. "What happened to you?"

The sound of her voice (so goddamn real) went a long way in calming Suzaku down. Wide, frantic eyes fixed on her face, and he came back to himself with a few short, ragged gasps of breath. Her voice, the feel of her hands -- more than her words, it convinced him that this was really her. She wasn't some vengeful spirit, some hallucination sprung from a guilty conscience, nor was she a fake, a monster taking on such a beloved appearance. She was just Euphie -- sweet, kind Euphie, confused and hurt and probably frightened and staring at Suzaku as if nothing at all had changed -- he swallowed hard.

He looked down at their hands with a kind of wonder, still trying to get his breathing under control. He had to calm down, had to think through this, for her sake. People could be brought here from any time, couldn't they? So she must have been taken from at least a year before him, when she was still -- still alive. And. . . all the pain and horror of the last year. . . she had no idea. She was still the same lovely Euphie, torn right out of a page from a fairytale storybook. (A yellowed and dusty one he'd all but locked up in the basement.)

How could he tell her the things that had happened? How could he possibly put to words something she should never, ever have needed to know? How could he even speak to her, when it was so impossible that she was right in front of him after all this time, still warm and breathing and -- he choked, feeling the corners of his lips pull downward, feeling his eyes start to itch and burn. No -- he couldn't let himself fall apart like this, not when she was real and alive and needed him. Not when she didn't know, when there was no way he could tell her anything, no way he could ruin her perfect innocence.

"Nothing," and his voice was horribly thick and guttural. He still wasn't looking at her, gaze locked on her small hands encircling one of his own. Don't, he wanted to shout, it's stained. "It's. . . nothing." Why was it so hard to breathe? Why was it even harder to speak? He couldn't, he had to -- he had to make her believe that everything was okay, that nothing was or ever had been wrong. "I'm sorry," and he could barely force out the words, ducking his head so she wouldn't see his face contort more than it already had. "I just --" Oh God. He could feel tears streaking down his cheeks, and there wasn't anything he could do to stop them. His shoulders trembled with a suppressed sob, but he bit his lip to stop any sound from escaping. He didn't care if he drew blood, he just couldn't cause her pain like this.

What do I do, why are you crying? There was a flash of a memory then, one she had thought was a bad dream - looking up at him from a hospital bed, the scent of blood and gunpowder mixing with her own perfume. Euphemia couldn't remember much before that; it was all a blur. Arriving at the stadium, all that talking...

"Why are you apologizing? It's all right...ssh, you don't have anything to be sorry for." She didn't think before reaching up to brush away the tears from his eyes, murmuring softly and trying to reassure him. "It's okay. I don't think you could do anything I couldn't forgive..."

With one hand, she motioned for someone to bring another tray over, and with the other, she gently led him back to the table where she'd been sitting. She looked down for a moment, biting her lip and looking away. What was it? She thought about the night before, about what had happened in that big central room. If that was it - if he'd found out and was apologizing like this for not being there - then all she needed to do was reassure him that she was all right, no? That she could do.

"If you're upset about not being there when those bats attacked last night, don't be," she said, quietly. "I had someone with me. So really, I was okay. You don't have to worry about that."

Suzaku went still at the touch of her fingers on his cheeks, his breath catching. He knew she was wrong, that this time there was no forgiveness, but he couldn't help wanting to believe her anyway. He couldn't stop the wave of -- relief? comfort? -- that passed over him at her touch. He'd forgotten what kind of effect she could have on him with such simple words. Because somehow, impossibly, he felt she must be right. Even if she couldn't be.

Suzaku finally looked up at her, took one deep breath, then another. One last shudder, and then he felt infinitely more calm, dazedly allowing himself to be led over to the table. He felt very distant from everything, as if there was a haze between himself and the world, except of course for the soft hand grasping his own. Suzaku sat down automatically and watched blankly as a nurse placed another tray of food in front of him. He should probably thank her, but he couldn't think of anything but Euphie.

She really didn't know anything, did she? It would have to stay that way. He'd have to -- he was going to lie to her. As if he wasn't despicable enough already, he was going to deceive her, take advantage of her trust, just like -- just like Lelouch. He must be doing well under his Prince's tutelage. Suzaku felt sick. Lelouch was the last person he wanted to think about, the last person he wanted to see, and he couldn't bear the thought that he'd pledged himself so easily to his former friend. As if anything could make up for what he'd done! As if anything could excuse him from hurting her, from taking her away.

"It's not that," he said, trying to bring himself back under control and speak normally, for her sake. "It's really nothing, Euphie. I'm sorry I worried you." He wet his lips, and stared down at the food, feeling his stomach turn. He was going to burn in hell, and there was no way he was choking any of that down. But it didn't matter, all that mattered was he protect her.

"Wait -- bats?" His eyes snapped up again, some awareness of the real world returning. She had been here last night, in the Institute? And he hadn't been here to protect her. It was sheer luck that she was unhurt, anything could have happened. He couldn't believe Landel would have brought someone like her here. "Where were you? What happened?" He cut himself off before he began to ask her thirty million questions. She'd just said she was okay, after all, even if it didn't assuage his fears much.

Which brought up another issue. How was he going to protect her when he was technically Lelouch's knight now? And when he had to put his efforts into finding a way out of here? He already had plans with Yuffie to go over the walls that night, and there was no way he was allowing Euphie to come with him. And there was no one he could trust to protect her, least of all Lelouch. Maybe if she just stayed in her room. . . He'd have to explain the situation first, though. "Has anyone told you about this place yet?"

She wasn't entirely sure she believed that nothing was really wrong - in fact, she was beginning to suspect the exact opposite was the case. Euphie didn't think that right that moment was the right time to press Suzaku on the subject. She didn't think she had ever seen him looking as hollowed out from the inside as he was right now, and that fact worried her. He wasn't supposed to look so completely fragile, as if the slightest gust of wind would shatter him. Whatever had actually happened must be serious...

She squeezed his hand one more time, then let go, taking a moment to think about it. What would do that? She couldn't think of anything that wasn't completely catastrophic. If the SAZ had failed - but no. He had said himself that everyone was happy. That was the truth, and she knew it deep down. If everyone was happy there, then maybe it was something that had happened in this place? Someone getting hurt, or worse?

The questions snapped her out of her thoughts, and she nodded, blue eyes going wide. "I woke up here last night. The power was out, but there was a flashlight under my pillow. I didn't see anything in my room that said where I was, so I went out to try and find some kind of map, or at least a sign that said the name of the place. It was...well." She trailed off, taking a sip of her juice.

"I was honestly afraid I was the only one here, or that this was just a bad dream. But then I met a very tall, strong woman named Teresa. She agreed that finding some kind of map or the like was the right thing to do, so we wound up looking in that big open room that you come through on the way here. There's a bulletin board there, but we didn't get a lot of time to look for a map before these bats came in from out of nowhere. Teresa took the lead and tried to protect me while I focused the light on them, but then night just...ended," she finished.

"And...no, no one's told me. Teresa had just woken here, just the same way as I had, and like I said, I didn't see anything on the board."

Suzaku nodded at her explanation, sighing a little. She'd been so lucky. She could just as easily have run into a couple cats on her first night, like Lelouch -- not that he was thinking about Lelouch. He just, just couldn't. The thought that only the night before, he'd started to feel like he almost cared for Lelouch as a friend again -- it was unthinkable, with her wide, trusting eyes looking up at him. She'd trusted Lelouch once, unknowingly or not, believing for some reason that she'd be safe alone with him. Believing in people like she never should, like she shouldn't believe in Suzaku. Because he was never going to tell her the truth.

He closed his eyes for a moment, forcing himself to focus. He had to explain what was going on, had to put her on her guard. And he had to stop thinking about anything but the moment, anything but the practical, because any time his thoughts strayed he could feel his throat closing again.

When he finally opened his eyes, a bit of alertness had returned to his gaze. "Normally everyone would have been here last night, too, but there were -- special circumstances. And no, there aren't any maps or other information, except what the patients put together themselves." He paused, drawing another deep breath. If he just pretended like he was explaining this to any other new patient. . .

"This place is called Landel's Institute. During the day, the doctors and nurses pretend this is a mental institution, that our friends and family have had us committed, and that everything we remember about our former lives is some kind of delusion. It's all a lie, though. We're all being held prisoner by the Head Doctor, Martin Landel -- or we were until recently. It seems like something's happened to him, but we're all still here.

"At night we're all let out of our rooms, and they set all kinds of monsters on us. Ghosts, shapeshifters, giant, zombie animals -- I know it's hard to believe, but it's true. Some nights they take certain patients for horrible experiments, and other nights they brainwash some of us into attacking each other. We think they're testing us for something, but no one's sure what."

This was where it got a little trickier, but she'd have to find out somehow. And he knew she would believe him, because she trusted him. A horrible mistake on her part. "The other thing is -- we're not all from the same world, or even the same time period. There are people from alternate versions of our own world, with different histories, and there are people from other planets. There are even people who weren't human in their own worlds. There are people from the 19th Century and people from the future. So we're not even sure the Institute is in our world, and we can't just break out of here -- we have to find out how they brought us here and reverse it." He took a breath, winded now for another reason besides emotional trauma. But he wanted to make sure she got as much information as possible, that she knew exactly what was going on and how to stay safe.

"Special circumstances? What do you mean?" The princess tilted her head to the right, raising an eyebrow. She didn't like the sound of those special circumstances. "Is that...is that why you were so upset? Did something happen last night?" If it had, that explained a lot, and even if she couldn't fix the situation, she could at least comfort him better if she knew what happened.

Euphie repeated the words Suzaku had said, a mix of disbelief and confusion in plain view on her face, then was silent for a moment, thinking. "So...what you're saying is that they want us to forget everything that's happened, and..." She paused, swallowing hard. "And you're sure it's not actually our families that would do this, or our friends." Cornelia wouldn't have done anything like this. That was a fact and one she would never, ever question. But there were others in the Purist ranks, or even people in the military, who had strongly opposed her plan. She wouldn't put it past any of them to want to make her disappear.

That next part, though...the monsters. She wouldn't have believed it had she not seen it before that explanation. "The bats we saw last night - those were monsters, then." She shivered in her chair, only now realizing how close she had come to being seriously hurt. She took a deep, shaky breath, then gasped again when the experiments and brainwashing were mentioned. "What kind of person would do such a thing? I just...why? I can't believe that."

The rest of the information came in a blur, and she wouldn't lie and say that she understood it. She nodded, but didn't say anything.

"Ah --" How was he going to tell her about last night without scaring her? But she had to know eventually, didn't she? Because they might have to face the zombies again. Suzaku shuddered a little at the thought of Euphie in that situation; it was even worse than his worry for Lelouch the night before. Not that he cared what happened to Lelouch. He just needed him alive, so they could go through with their plan. And at the moment, he couldn't even stomach the thought of working together with him.

"Well, on Saturdays -- yesterday was Saturday, by the way -- they bus us down to the local town to visit, get some fresh air, I don't know. And this time they didn't take us back in time before night fell, and instead of just the nurses and animals in the Institute changing, all the townspeople did too. They, um. They were. . . dead. But attacking us. Zombies, basically. And a lot more showed up, too, probably all the people buried in graveyards around the town. But don't worry," he added hastily, "I'm perfectly fine. It was just -- unsettling." He knew he was effectively making her believe that that was what was bothering him, and that wasn't any better than outright lying, but he couldn't tell her the truth. He should just count himself lucky he had this story as an excuse.

"And -- yeah, I'm pretty sure." He'd been pretty much beyond the reach of any "friends and family" when he'd been kidnapped. Unless. . . he supposed it was possible that Schneizel had some unknown means by which he found out about Suzaku's pact with Lelouch, and had made some kind of contract with Landel. But that was highly unlikely. There was too much Schneizel hadn't found out about previous to this for that to be true.

"As for why. . ." He sighed again. "I don't know. None of us know. It's a horrible thing, but -- there are some horrible people in the world." That probably wasn't something she could believe, not innocent Euphie, but she would have to. Because it was the terrible truth, Suzaku knew that much by now.

Euphemia listened with eyes wide and shining with tears. She didn't think she would believe it from anyone else, but this was Suzaku telling her. He wouldn't intentionally tell her something like this just to scare her. It was a warning, and she could appreciate that, even if she didn't like the idea of him being out there and fighting in what could only have been a state of chaos. It scared her more than she wanted to let on, but she was sure that it was written all over her face.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Was anyone else from home with you? Or...I should just ask now. Is anyone else from home here? Your friends from school, people from the military...my family...?" They wouldn't have taken Nunnally, there was just no way a girl like her would be able to function here. It would be too cruel, too much to ask for someone as delicate as she was. But there was a distinct possibility that one person was here. "Lelouch?"

She nodded in relief at the answer to her next question. Euphie honestly didn't think anyone would have done so - even those who had the most vocal opposition to her plan had quieted a bit when Schneizel had stood up for her. It was still a relief, though.

"I...I can't understand it. What kind of person..." She trailed off again, thinking hard. "This Martin Landel. Has anyone talked to him? I mean...really talked? Because if not, I want to try." She swallowed hard before making her next statement. "Suzaku...can you promise me two things? The first is that you'll do your best not to get hurt at night. I would worry too much. And the second...I want to talk to this doctor. Will you go with me, when I do?"

Suzaku was just trying to decide how to bring up the subject of Lelouch, when he heard that same name from her own lips. He gaped at her. "You know about Lelouch?" He supposed he shouldn't be surprised -- she'd been at Ashford that one time, after all, and. . . He'd wondered, sometimes, exactly how much she had known. It had seemed so impulsive, even for her, to trust Zero like that. And they'd been alone together on the island. . . had she known Zero's identity the whole time? The old rage that Suzaku had finally managed to suppress suddenly burned hotter than ever. Lelouch had taken advantage of the fact that she knew him, that she never thought her own brother would hurt her. And after she had kept his secret! It was far worse than the thought of a stranger betraying her trust.

But if she didn't know, he probably shouldn't tell her. If anyone else showed up from their world, he couldn't run the risk of them finding out. It meant lying to Euphie yet again, and this time when her own safety was at stake. Yet -- and Suzaku felt nauseous once more at the thought -- there was so much more riding on this than just Euphie's safety. He'd fallen too far already, given too much up for the world's future, to let his old emotions rule him. It broke his heart, but he had to prioritize his goals over Euphie, especially because she -- she was going to die anyway. Events couldn't be changed, he and Lelouch had figured that much out, and he had to fight back tears again. Just like Lelouch himself, that night. They both had to be prepared to give up everything, and -- and in the end, he was Lelouch's knight now. That couldn't change. After all, he'd already sold his soul, he might as well stick to his path.

"He's here," he finally said, quietly. "And he -- Euphie, I know he's your brother, but. . ." He trailed off, uncertain of what to say. But even if he couldn't betray Lelouch's secret, he had to say something. He couldn't change the events of the past, but there had been so many times he wished he could have gone back and warned her. He just couldn't -- couldn't not warn her. "He's dangerous. You might not think so, but he is. Please, just -- be careful around him." He took a shuddering breath, determined not to cry. It was despicable that that was the best he could do.

"That's what I asked when I first got here, too," he went on, glad of a different subject to discuss. "Apparently no one knows how to find Landel, unless you go to the basement. There's some kind of trial you have to get through, and then he appears, but from what I heard he wasn't too interested in answering questions. And now -- something happened to him last night, and we think he might be dead. Unless it was staged. So -- I can promise the first thing, Euphie." He was already planning on taking care of himself, because his life wasn't his own anymore. There were more important things to accomplish than his own selfish wish to die. "The second might be more difficult. But I promise -- I promise we'll try."

There was only one thing that question could mean: whether or not she knew about Zero. The answer was complicated. "I first met Zero at Lake Kawaguchi, during that hotel-jacking. I honestly didn't know who he was, but...he knew me. I suppose I should have realized, but there was really no way to know," she began, in a small, quiet voice. She hadn't really wanted to know, not then - she was more concerned with getting everyone out safely without more people being killed.

"The next time we met was on Kaminejima," she said. "But then...honestly, Suzaku, I can't think Lelouch is truly a bad person. He was more worried about everyone else. You, your friend Kallen, Nunnally. All of you. And even later, when we met that day...the day the SAZ was opened. He said he was doing everything for her sake, for Nunnally. I can't think anyone that would do so much to protect someone is truly bad inside. I'm sorry, I just..." She trailed off, silent for just a moment. Euphemia didn't understand why Suzaku was being so...so suspicious. Hadn't they been friends? What could have happened to drive them apart?

That next statement made her gasp, and she quickly clapped a hand over her mouth. "You don't mean it...then. I'm sorry, Suzaku. I can't not talk to him, or check in on him. Maybe I can get him to see reason, and even if I can't, I have to try. Don't worry. It'll be all right."

Euphemia frowned at that last statement. She didn't like the idea of some faceless person kidnapping everyone and not even giving them a chance to speak up for themselves. All this talk of having to face a trial, only to be met with stony silence - she didn't like it, not one bit. "I see," she finally said, lips drawn into a thin line. "I suppose talking to the nurses does no good?"

She did know, Suzaku realized with another bitter pang, but he stayed quiet through her explanation. Of course she would think Lelouch wasn't a bad person. That's why she had extended the offer of peace to him in the first place, wasn't it? And why she felt she was safe alone with him.

Suzaku had wanted to believe in her vision of the world, but he couldn't, never again. Maybe people were inherently good, but she had too much faith in them. And she wouldn't believe Suzaku if he tried to explain why Lelouch was not a good person, because of that unshakable faith. And because he couldn't tell her, goddammit, because he was a coward. And, God -- hearing her defend Lelouch like that, defend the person who hadn't killed so much as destroyed her. . . hearing her belief that she could bring him around, that everything would be all right. . .

It wasn't going to be all right. It never had been and it never would be, but she couldn't know that. He had to bear it in silence. Just -- for the first time in a long time he felt once again that he really could kill Lelouch. She'd believed in him, and he had thrown it back in her face.

He couldn't tell her that, though. And -- on some level, even in his miserable rage, he knew she was right. He did understand Lelouch, now, even if he really didn't want to. That didn't mean he was going to let her anywhere near him. "Lelouch. . . Lelouch does have good intentions. But he's the kind of person who would go to any length to reach his goals. He would do anything. Anything, Euphie." He had to check himself when he leaned forward, voice growing hard and angry. Being harsh with her wouldn't solve anything, and she deserved it least of all. "He has absolutely no scruples," he said more softly. "And I don't want you to get mixed up in that." Again. Nevermind that at this point, he would do anything himself. Like he already was.

He sighed a bit, forcing himself to calm down yet again, before addressing her last statement. "I, well -- people say it doesn't work, but I haven't actually tried it that much myself," he admitted a little sheepishly. He'd been more intent on other things as soon as he'd figured out what was going on. "I'll help you, if you want to try."

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DAY 43: CAFETERIA, MORNING

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