It was like throwing handfuls of dirt at a rock wall. Sasuke had forgotten how futile it always felt to be angry at Kakashi -- the man was imperturbable. It was impossible to recall even a single instance when Sasuke had actually seen Kakashi lose his cool, even in the face of indubitable danger like Zabuza or the inarguably bizarre like Gai. And while Sasuke had found it infuriating but appreciated it as a student, he could only find it infuriating now --
Right up until that calm voice admitted to betraying his comrades in the past. Sasuke had thought that, given all the rhetoric about comrades and teamwork that Kakashi had given them (and that he assumed Jiraiya was still feeding to Naruto, if the idiot's refusal to give up was any indication), it was simply some kind of taught tradition in the lineage of teachers and students Kakashi belonged to. It hadn't occurred to him that Kakashi might have been different at some point.
Actually, if he thought about it, he had never even considered much of what Kakashi's life might have been like beyond his role as the leader of Team 7. But of course, he must have had a team once. That he had abandoned them for a path he had thought was necessary to walk -- was a surprise. That his father had killed himself was another. Sasuke had heard of the White Fang, as most shinobi of the current era had, and he'd certainly known who Kakashi's father was, but ...
"It's -- not the same," he said after a moment, but his voice was lower, tenser, his posture shifting to something more defensive. "I left because I was too weak not to. I did what I had to in order to reach my goals and complete my duty, but they didn't need to do any of that." There was no point in bothering to clarify who they were. "I had no right to ask that of them -- I didn't want them with me anyway."
Because Kakashi was right in that the path of revenge was a difficult one, and not one that anyone who lacked reason needed to walk -- and perhaps this was the closest to admitting that Sasuke had even cared to think about Naruto and Sakura when he'd left. At the Valley of the End he'd nearly stayed, nearly given in to the illusion of being able to create a family out of ashes and let himself live for what he had admitted were truly precious companions.
"When my brother left me alive, I swore on the blood of my clan to kill him," Sasuke said, and no longer knew if he wanted to prove Kakashi didn't really understand or if he simply wanted him to. "Whatever they were, Naruto and Sakura aren't my blood. I was never supposed to have anything more than my revenge -- they were never supposed to be part of my path, and I never should have let them. That was my mistake. I thought I could correct that by leaving."
They didn't deserve what being Uchiha meant. (For generations, the Uchiha have killed their best friends and their brothers.) There was something almost pleading in Sasuke's voice when he continued -- "I didn't leave them to die. I left them to live. My path ends in --"
This.
Something that was supposed to be different from this. Something completely different, but -- in the life he lived Sasuke had no room for regret, couldn't afford it, couldn't let himself even begin to consider it. That much he still knew. His team was a past and Itachi had been his present: what there was now was what he didn't know.
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Right up until that calm voice admitted to betraying his comrades in the past. Sasuke had thought that, given all the rhetoric about comrades and teamwork that Kakashi had given them (and that he assumed Jiraiya was still feeding to Naruto, if the idiot's refusal to give up was any indication), it was simply some kind of taught tradition in the lineage of teachers and students Kakashi belonged to. It hadn't occurred to him that Kakashi might have been different at some point.
Actually, if he thought about it, he had never even considered much of what Kakashi's life might have been like beyond his role as the leader of Team 7. But of course, he must have had a team once. That he had abandoned them for a path he had thought was necessary to walk -- was a surprise. That his father had killed himself was another. Sasuke had heard of the White Fang, as most shinobi of the current era had, and he'd certainly known who Kakashi's father was, but ...
"It's -- not the same," he said after a moment, but his voice was lower, tenser, his posture shifting to something more defensive. "I left because I was too weak not to. I did what I had to in order to reach my goals and complete my duty, but they didn't need to do any of that." There was no point in bothering to clarify who they were. "I had no right to ask that of them -- I didn't want them with me anyway."
Because Kakashi was right in that the path of revenge was a difficult one, and not one that anyone who lacked reason needed to walk -- and perhaps this was the closest to admitting that Sasuke had even cared to think about Naruto and Sakura when he'd left. At the Valley of the End he'd nearly stayed, nearly given in to the illusion of being able to create a family out of ashes and let himself live for what he had admitted were truly precious companions.
"When my brother left me alive, I swore on the blood of my clan to kill him," Sasuke said, and no longer knew if he wanted to prove Kakashi didn't really understand or if he simply wanted him to. "Whatever they were, Naruto and Sakura aren't my blood. I was never supposed to have anything more than my revenge -- they were never supposed to be part of my path, and I never should have let them. That was my mistake. I thought I could correct that by leaving."
They didn't deserve what being Uchiha meant. (For generations, the Uchiha have killed their best friends and their brothers.) There was something almost pleading in Sasuke's voice when he continued -- "I didn't leave them to die. I left them to live. My path ends in --"
This.
Something that was supposed to be different from this. Something completely different, but -- in the life he lived Sasuke had no room for regret, couldn't afford it, couldn't let himself even begin to consider it. That much he still knew. His team was a past and Itachi had been his present: what there was now was what he didn't know.