Ah, there's the rub. Answering that question would be far more difficult, and with Suzaku behaving the way he was now, he had to proceed carefully if he wanted to avoid exacerbating the situation. Thinking of away to do that that didn't involve telling the truth was much harder than it had any right to be with Suzaku hovering over him like that, and although he was making an effort to be gentle now, Lelouch wasn't entirely sure what would push him over the edge. He had enough faith in his knight to know that he would never intentionally hurt him, but...
"I--" He shivered and closed his eyes, struggling to find the right words. "Do you remember what I said to Guilford before our duel? I chose to become evil to defeat a greater evil. I still choose that. You can hate me for it if you want, but nothing you say or do will alter my decision." That didn't answer the question at all, but with all that there was for Suzaku to read into it, it should accomplish the same goal without revealing just how much Lelouch had wanted-- but that wasn't important now. The only thing that mattered was Suzaku's trust, and...
"I would have liked to avoid ordering Sam's death if it were at all possible, but there was no alternative." Please understand. "I never meant to compromise your trust in the process. I thought--" He broke off, swallowing convulsively. He was saying too much, but with how much he wanted to avoid letting either of them lose that trust in one another-- would it be more or less selfish to betray Suzaku again if it meant he would hate himself less than to reveal all and risk losing him entirely? How could he even choose when both options were so horrible? "I didn't enjoy it. Believe that much of me at least."
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"I--" He shivered and closed his eyes, struggling to find the right words. "Do you remember what I said to Guilford before our duel? I chose to become evil to defeat a greater evil. I still choose that. You can hate me for it if you want, but nothing you say or do will alter my decision." That didn't answer the question at all, but with all that there was for Suzaku to read into it, it should accomplish the same goal without revealing just how much Lelouch had wanted-- but that wasn't important now. The only thing that mattered was Suzaku's trust, and...
"I would have liked to avoid ordering Sam's death if it were at all possible, but there was no alternative." Please understand. "I never meant to compromise your trust in the process. I thought--" He broke off, swallowing convulsively. He was saying too much, but with how much he wanted to avoid letting either of them lose that trust in one another-- would it be more or less selfish to betray Suzaku again if it meant he would hate himself less than to reveal all and risk losing him entirely? How could he even choose when both options were so horrible? "I didn't enjoy it. Believe that much of me at least."