damned_institute | Nightshift 39: M31-40 Hallway

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Nightshift 39: M31-40 Hallway

Along with giving him an idea for a good cover story, Scourge's conversation with the soldier-human on the bulletin board had made the tracker stop and think about his place in the Decepticon hierarchy. More specifically, the fact that he didn't have one. Galvatron wasn't here anymore, there was no one who he was obligated to by virtue of creation. He was a free agent for the first time in his life, and it wasn't as scary as he thought it'd be.

Lugnut and Blitzwing probably wouldn't be too happy with him thinking like this, but who cared? They were both crazy, Blitzwing random and Lugnut stubborn, and without a stabilizing Cyclonus-like influence Scourge suspected they wouldn't get very far. Better to get himself a better footing with someone saner and just give lip service to "mighty Megatron" when it was convenient.

In the meantime, Scourge had to see a Superboy about a virginity. What exactly that would entail he wasn't really sure, but it sounded a lot more fun than raiding the kitchen with pointless idiots who seemed to be liking him less and less as things went on.

The tracker took out the wooden cooking spoon he'd found last night, set it on the floor with his foot on the scoop end, and yanked upwards. The spoon cracked and left him with a long rod with a dangerously pointy and splintered end that would probably at least distract anything with a squishy place to stick it in. Better than nothing. The makeshift wooden shiv went in one pocket, the flashlight in the other--with his eyes he wouldn't need it for anything but small details and it would be easier to hide in the dark. The handle of the pan went in his hand and the tracker cautiously went out into the hallway. Let him be a force to be reckoned with.

Or at least one that made the other guy look like a tastier option.

[To here.]

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Suzaku was forced to stew in his own impatience for entirely too long as he waited for Lelouch to open the door. He knew Lelouch was injured, but couldn't he just call out for Suzaku to come in or something? Why was Suzaku so impatient, anyway? They had plenty of time for this conversation, and it wasn't like these tense relations between them were new. But the door had finally opened a crack, and Suzaku stared unflinchingly back at his former friend, tightening his lips against the urge to roll his eyes. Lelouch definitely hated him now, but there was no need for this, not if they were going to work together properly. Not that he could blame Lelouch for being suspicious, but this was near-outright antagonism.

Nevertheless, Lelouch eventually deemed him worthy of coming in, so Suzaku gave a tight nod and walked past him. He stood standing for the time being, waiting for Lelouch to take a seat. Partly in case Lelouch fell over -- Suzaku wanted to offer to help, but he knew exactly how well that would go over -- but mostly so that he could know where to sit himself. He didn't know which desk was Lelouch's.

He didn't know exactly where to start, wondering if he should let Lelouch take the lead. He felt strangely uncomfortable, even with as much time as he'd spent with Lelouch. But this was a strange situation. In his own time, he and Lelouch had come to an understanding, but they hadn't had much of a chance to establish some way of relating to each other. And this Lelouch was far from being agreeable to an understanding.

"So, find out anything interesting today?" Of course Lelouch had, but Suzaku didn't know how else to ask.

Lelouch would have liked to remain standing, but whatever effect that could have had on Suzaku wasn't worth the trouble. Doing his best to keep every indication that he was in pain off of his face and minimizing his limp as much as possible, Lelouch returned to his seat and made a minute adjustment to the flashlight's position before picking up his journal and opening it to the first page.

"In addition to what M.E. outlined in his primer, I've been able to uncover two other qualities the institute has," he began, keeping his gaze fixed firmly on the words he'd written earlier that day. He would have preferred starting on an entirely different point, but he forged onwards anyway. "The first is an ability to bring people back from the dead. I've yet to interview any of the prisoners this applies to, but I intend to conduct a survey over the bulletin covering the more salient points. It may not lead anywhere, but as of right now, there's no way to be certain of that.

"Secondly, time does not flow normally here. Instead, it appears to be malleable, stretching and compressing at more or less random. Again, I've yet to interview anyone at length about this phenomenon, but I don't believe investigating it will yield anything potentially useful. There are too many different variable and not enough ways to accurately measure them. Regardless of that, it's something we should keep in mind for later."

The unintentional usage of the word "we" made him falter for just a moment, but he soon rallied himself and continued, "The rest of what I've learned today, while enlightening, hasn't provided much of an insight into the institute's inner workings. The most I can tell you beyond what I've already said is that the bulletin is cleared daily and every week, we're taken on a field trip to a nearby town. There may be some supplies we can salvage on the next trip that we can't find here, but with the staff monitoring us, we'll need to be careful. My Geass doesn't work on them, and with how easy it would be for us to escape if it worked on the townspeople, they've probably found some way to render them immune, too."

He sighed and flipped forward a few pages. "I've had much more luck studying the prisoner population. I've gathered what information I can on the clubs, and as you know, I've been looking into the different methods of time and interdimensional travel used on each world. I've taken notes on those, the institute's monsters, and some of the prisoners' independent efforts, but unfortunately, I haven't had the time to make copies of everything yet. I do have copies of the map for you, though-- here."

He extracted the three pages with the first floor, second floor, and roof maps from his journal and closed it, setting the loose papers on top. Holding them out to Suzaku and finally looking up at him again, Lelouch said, "You can skim through everything for now. Any questions?"

Suzaku could tell Lelouch was trying to cover up the extent of his injuries, but he was definitely not going to comment on it. At any rate, it would not happen again; Suzaku would make sure of that. He himself remained standing, gazing at Lelouch intently as the other boy reported what he had discovered. He felt like he was at a military briefing -- which, he supposed, he was. When Lelouch was finished, Suzaku took the maps without comment and sat down at the other desk, sighing a little as he looked over the maps.

It was a lot of information, as expected of Lelouch. The time thing was interesting, if a bit startling, and fit in with the other manipulations of time going on around here. Suzaku knew next to nothing about physics, but it was pretty common knowledge that time was relative. Whatever that really meant -- Suzaku was used to hearing the phrase without much context -- it looked like Landel had found a way to take advantage of it.

The town he had heard about himself, and the information about Lelouch's Geass was worrying. He hadn't known there was a way to block it with respect to certain people, but with all the other advanced technology these people apparently had, it shouldn't come as a surprise. It definitely limited their options and made the situation much more dangerous, but they would find a way, Suzaku was sure of it. Even without the Geass, Lelouch was a genius. With Suzaku as a weapon, he would be able to defeat Landel.

But none of this was what really caught Suzaku's attention. He'd tried to tamp down his reaction to hearing about the Institute's ability to bring people back to life, tried to focus on the other information rather than all the possibilities that one thing brought to mind. If that technology could be stolen, adapted. . . he knew Lelouch was probably thinking the same thing as him, and right now all he wanted to do was pursue that avenue. But he no longer had the right to his own desires, that much was certain, and he had to focus on the mission at hand. Maybe -- maybe they could discuss that later.

"I've found out a number of things myself," he said finally, looking back up at Lelouch. "But first, do you think the way that time changes here is related to whatever they use for time travel? If it's hard to gather data about the time variations, that might not be the best way to go after that technology, but it's something to consider, I think. Also, do you have any details on how your Geass is being blocked? That's obviously important for us to figure out before we can move safely."

"It could very well be," Lelouch agreed. Had they been on better terms, he might have smiled at Suzaku for making the same connection he had, but as things were, he merely shrugged. "It's difficult to say for certain. It could be anything from an unintended side effect of the institute's temporal manipulation to another manifestation of it. With the amount of control they appear to have, it's likely the latter, but then it could also be something entirely unrelated to both.

"Assuming it's deliberate, however, the most obvious explanation for why they're using it is to disorient us and ensure that they have enough 'time' to carry through with whatever plans they have. I find it hard to believe that it doesn't have any drawbacks at all, but with how advanced the technology that allows them to steal people out of their home universes and transplant them in this one has to be, that may only be wishful thinking on my part."

He sighed. Wishful thinking or not, if he assumed this was a weak spot, it was one that could be exploited to the absolute fullest in a way that nothing else he'd seen so far could. That alone made him want to delve deeper into the matter, but with no concrete way to do so, he would be wasting his time trying. Gambling on something like that without knowing the odds was the same thing as playing to lose, as far as he was concerned, and he'd always hated losing.

"As for how they're blocking my Geass, I can only speculate. There were no physical obstructions that I could see that would have stopped it from working, but the nurse I tried it on may have been wearing special contacts." There was a fraction of a pause before Lelouch added, "I've never encountered contacts that would protect the wearer from my Geass's effects, but I had one that would prevent me from using Geass on someone accidentally before coming here. My Geass has been weakened to the point where it's no longer necessary, but it makes sense to assume that the institute has created an equivalent countermeasure.

"What concerns me more is how they managed to weaken it and to what extent," he continued, mainly in an effort to stave off any questions Suzaku might have about what Lelouch meant by accidentally using his Geass on someone. That was a conversation he never wanted to have, no matter what the circumstances. "I've made several attempts to determine its new limitations, but I've only managed to use it successfully once today. I can only assume that this means I either have to wait a certain amount of time between between uses or I can only use it a certain number of times a day-- possibly both. As I'm sure you can imagine, testing it further is going to take awhile."

Suzaku nodded at Lelouch's analysis of the time thing. That made sense, and while he was still interested in the subject because of how it might relate to figuring out how to get back to their own time, researching it might be a waste of effort. That kind of methodical analysis wasn't his style, anyway, and not even Lelouch's, really. It was something they might be able to use later on, but Suzaku would rather spend his time doing something than carefully investigating some phenomenon he probably wouldn't even understand.

He was far more interested in what Lelouch had to say next. How could you use it accidentally. . . ? He barely had time to wonder before he processed what Lelouch was saying. Geass weakened? That was more threatening than almost anything else so far. Suzaku hadn't wanted to think about that possibility, thinking he was just being paranoid, but this meant they were dealing with a serious enemy. And with less of the advantages they would normally have at their disposal -- however Suzaku felt about the power of Geass personally, it was a good weapon, and they were going to need everything they could get. He couldn't afford to indulge his personal feelings on this matter, the distaste he felt at the bare mention of Geass, and he had to consider this with a certain detachment. Just as one of any assets he might have going into battle.

"I've heard a couple things about people's normal abilities being weakened here -- from M.E. on the board, and a girl I was with last night said something vague about it. If it's not specific to you and your Geass, it might be something more than contacts. And if these people are all from different dimensions, we don't know what kind of abilities they might have. If the Institute has some universal way of suppressing things like this, that's even worse than the interdimensional and time travel thing. If you find out anything more about your limitations, could you keep me posted?"

Lelouch had mentioned nothing of this before, but of course he hadn't had much of a chance to test the Geass at that point, and they'd had more urgent things to discuss. Not to mention that Lelouch still barely trusted him, Suzaku could tell. At least Lelouch was telling him these things now, but it would best if Suzaku could know everything about the Geass, if they were going to work together efficiently. Suzaku had to be able to take into account Lelouch's exact limitations.

"Anyway, I found out some more things about our location. Apparently we're in New Jersey and it's 2006, in some universe where this is America, not Britannia. I heard about the town too, and there are also some ruins around here." He hesitated for a second, but for now he'd just make his report; he could get to explaining why the ruins were significant later.

"And I also found out a way to get to Martin Landel -- through the basement. There's a staircase under a tile in the cold storage room, behind the kitchen. Seems like he's well-protected, and there are some 'challenges' we have to go through first, but we might learn something from trying. At least that route is open to us if we need it.

"Oh, and --" he flipped through Lelouch's notes on the clubs again "-- I talked to someone from Arts and Crafts. I thought you might want an inside opinion. Didn't get much out of it, just that she thinks it's pretty efficient and protects its members well, and that they had a recent change in leadership. She said the old leaders died." Pleasant. Suzaku had only been here a day and he already hated it.

The idea that powers were being universally suppressed had occurred to Lelouch, too, but given the set of rules his Geass normally operated on, mentioning the contacts had seemed pertinent enough, at least in regards to the staff. Weakening or or otherwise limiting people's abilities was one thing, but eliminating their influences entirely was another. There had to be some force in effect devoted to it, whether it was something external the institute had lavished upon them or an internal force that each staff member possessed. If he had some way to study them and determine which it was... no, he'd think about this later. He had enough on his plate already.

That there were in New Jersey and America rather than Britannia wasn't news to him, but the exact year was something else. 2006-- not a.t.b., but something else-- and they had technology at this level? The conspicuous absence of the advanced trinkets he was accustomed to hadn't impressed him, yes, but the fact that they were capable of traveling through space and time-- had all of the advancements in this world been centered around that technology instead? Another possibility was that all of the power in the area was being rerouted to the device they were doing it with, explaining quite neatly why everything else in this building seemed so outdated, but that would hint too strongly at a potential weakness to fit entirely. Instead, it had to be...

He continued turning over the possibilities while Suzaku spoke, interest piquing for a moment at the mention of ruins but soon subsiding. The chances of there being a Thought Elevator here, in an alternate dimension, were fairly slim, and he was sure Suzaku would have stated it more explicitly had that been the case. There was still something to be learned from the ruins, but for now, hearing that the Head Doctor was somewhere accessible was more important. The term "accessible" wasn't entirely appropriate, given what Suzaku said about there being challenges barring the way, but it was something.

Unaware that he'd become at least somewhat more relaxed over the course of Suzaku's report, Lelouch shifted in his seat, propping his right elbow up on his desk and lightly resting his chin on his hand. "I'll be sure you keep you updated, yes. Until then, is there anything else you can tell me about these ruins or the challenges?" Of what Suzaku had said so far, those seemed like the only things Lelouch could press for more details on. Neither of them were especially relevant now when it would be a long, long time before it he thought it would be prudent to try investigating either, but it could give him some idea of how they should prepare.

Suzaku watched Lelouch go into Thinking Mode as he spoke, and he really hoped Lelouch would be able to glean something from that information. He knew he had found out a few useful things, but he still felt just as frustrated when it came to knowing anything concrete about who Landel was and why he had imprisoned them here. Even in another universe like they were, he couldn't shake the thought that Britannia and maybe even Emperor Charles himself had something to do with this. Either way, however, he still knew nothing about the purpose of the Institute itself. It might not be an immediate concern when it came to getting out and back to their own time, but to him it was almost more important.

"Not much, sorry," he said in reply to Lelouch's question, a sheepish smile starting to twitch at the corner of his mouth before he suppressed it. "When you come down to the basement, there are four doors. The challenges are behind the east and west doors, and if you get through those, then you can go through the south door to confront Landel. I've heard the challenges called both games and puzzles; I don't know what they really are.

"As for the ruins, the person I spoke with said they were some kind of town. I don't know what direction they are relative to the Institute. Um, they might be important, though. . ." He hesitated again. He knew Lelouch had seen the Thought Elevator on Kaminejima, but he didn't know how much Lelouch knew about it at this point. If Charles really had something to do with this, Suzaku was going to have to explain everything. "Lelouch, how much do you know about your father's plans? About those ruins on Kaminejima?"

That didn't tell him much, but whether they were games, puzzles, or both didn't matter as far as Lelouch could tell. They might need some backup, but all the same, he remained confident that they could handle whatever the institute threw at them together. Suzaku was far from being his favorite person right now, but of all the people Lelouch could have chosen from to be by his side in a situation like this...

But Suzaku had betrayed him, not once but twice now. After Lelouch had cast all of his hopes onto him, having them all torn away again hurt almost as much as hearing about Nunnally's death had. He'd rebuilt what hope he could that the latter was preventable, but Suzaku was a constant reminder of both his betrayal and the fact no matter how Lelouch tried, there was a very real chance that those newly born hopes would be dashed yet again by the person he'd once considered his closest friend. If that happened--

He looked away, his frown just a bit too deeply etched to be a thoughtful one. "Not very much. I know that the ruins led to a separate plane and a system he referred to as the Sword of Akasha, but..." He trailed off and looked at Suzaku expectantly. Part of his frown was now due to thoroughly unpleasant change of subject, not to mention his irritation that Suzaku apparently knew more about the entire matter than him, but those other thoughts still hovered in the background-- pushed aside, but not forgotten.

Edited 2009-03-10 08:26 (UTC)

Lelouch was displeased by something, that much was obvious. Suzaku wondered for a second what he was thinking about, what exactly was upsetting him, but knew a second later that it didn't matter much. Lelouch was only going to be upset more by what Suzaku had to tell him -- anyone would, and Suzaku wasn't even sure he'd be able to understand that he'd condemned his own parents. Not this Lelouch, who was still attached to the world and still had so much at stake, or thought he did. So Suzaku shouldn't care about what was troubling Lelouch, because he had to make this information clear so they could face their enemy and get the job done. He couldn't afford to care, not about his own emotions and certainly not Lelouch's.

At least Lelouch knew something about that system. When Charles had disappeared briefly, Suzaku had wondered if Lelouch had finally confronted him, but he didn't know how much Lelouch might have found out. He was pretty sure that the plan revealed to them at the end had been new to Lelouch, so he probably wouldn't know anything about that, but the Sword of Akasha itself apparently wasn't new information. He should have expected that Lelouch would find out so much about his enemy, even something as secret as the Sword of Akasha.

"There are actually a lot of things that happened that you don't remember," he began, looking down a little. Lelouch would have every right to be angry about that, even if he wouldn't have received the information very well at breakfast. "I just didn't have a chance to explain it all earlier. But it might have something to do with what's going on here, so you need to know. Um, the Sword of Akasha. . . Emperor Charles planned to use it to, to kill the gods, is how he put it. He called it the Ragnarok, and he had all these ruins all over the Earth connected to the plane, to harness their power I guess. After -- after everything I told you about earlier happened, he went to Kaminejima to start the Ragnarok. You and I went there too. You didn't know anything about it before, did you?"

It wasn't that Lelouch didn't remember, it was that none of the things Suzaku was talking about had happened yet. Why was he determined to make it sound like all of this was unavoidable? Lelouch glared off to the side again, tempted to state in no uncertain terms what he thought about Suzaku's use of the past tense but fully aware of just how unproductive that would be. Corrections could wait. For now, Lelouch needed to know everything Suzaku had to tell him.

"I know only as much as I've told you," Lelouch said, still glaring. "I had intended to ask C.C. more questions about his plans, but she lost her memories." Along with her Code, as far as he could tell, and with it, her ability to regenerate. She'd been so helpless the last time he saw her, but as long as she continued to stay out of sight, she should be fine. That brought up hundreds of questions about how the flow of time may have been altered by the removal of people such as himself, if at all, but those would have to wait until later, too.

"At least the name is appropriate," he muttered. "And what did he hope to accomplish by doing that?" Using the myth as a guideline didn't help much as far as predicting where this was headed was concerned, and when Lelouch had no idea what Suzaku could mean by "gods" in this context, it was even harder. The Emperor had spoken of masks and lies, but C.C. had stepped in before enough could be revealed for Lelouch to piece together the rest himself. What did killing the gods have to do with any of that?

Edited 2009-03-10 22:12 (UTC)

Suzaku frowned at the mention of C.C. "She had her memories when I saw her. Unless --" He made the connection between what Marianne and C.C. had told him, and the fact that they were together. It was still difficult to understand, and yet strangely simple. The notion of a universal consciousness was common, it was just the connection of it to people with Codes that was strange. And it had never been adequately explained to Suzaku. "She must have sealed herself in the World of C, and if she did, she was probably brought out of it by --"

And here he stopped again, finally looking up at Lelouch. Lelouch had been so tortured by the loss of his mother, and so hurt when he found out that she had simply abandoned him. Suzaku knew firsthand how Lelouch felt about being betrayed, as well as how it felt to lose a parent. Even after everything that had happened between them, something like this. . . He had understood Lelouch at that time, understood him as an individual with his own dreams, with people he wanted to protect, and Suzaku had identified with that. Zero might have killed Euphemia, but Suzaku understood Lelouch on his own level, as a human being. So even though he would never forgive Lelouch and maybe never be his friend again, he didn't want to have to cause Lelouch this pain again. He had to force out the words through a sudden knot in his throat.

"By Marianne. Your mother was alive, Lelouch. At least, her soul was -- she used her Geass to preserve herself in the body of Anya Alstreim. She must have taken over Anya's body when the Ragnarok began, because I met her and C.C. on Kaminejima. We went into the Thought Elevator together, even though you'd sealed the exit after you. Um, I guess you were trying to seal yourself in with Charles, but Marianne could go through without her body, and then C.C. fixed it, so we went through. It was their plan, too -- Marianne and C.C., and V.V.

"It was V.V. who tried to kill your mother," he added, knowing Lelouch would want to know that immediately. He really should have tried to explain this earlier. "It was originally his and Charles' plan, but when Marianne came along he apparently got jealous and thought that Charles didn't care about the plan anymore. He set it up as a terrorist attack, with Nunnally as a fake witness, but Charles used his Geass on Nunnally to change her memories, to make sure she wouldn't find out the truth. To keep her safe. That was why they sent you two to Japan, as well -- to keep you safe from V.V." Though, in reality, they had abandoned Lelouch and Nunnally, caring more for their stupid plan.

Suzaku paused to breathe, carefully watching Lelouch's reaction. He realized he hadn't actually explained anything about what the plan was, but for now -- Lelouch needed to know this, about his mother, about how she and Charles had treated him and Nunnally. Whatever Lelouch had done, those two were the ultimate cause of all that misery, and in the end Lelouch was just as much of a victim as Euphie, or Nunnally. Suzaku couldn't believe Lelouch's parents could hurt him like that, could hurt all of them, without even caring.

Lelouch's gaze snapped back to Suzaku's face at the sound of his mother's name, any lingering trace of anger or resentment in his expression vanishing under his shock. His mother had-- she was-- but how was that possible?! Geass-- yes, he could accept that answer, but how had she-- had C.C. had a contract with her, too? That infernal witch! Why hadn't she told him anything about this? But his mother was--

Mind still struggling to come to grips with the fact that his mother was alive, much less everything else he was hearing, Lelouch abandoned his previous thinking pose in favor of clutching at the side of his head. His mother was alive. She'd been after the same thing that man and V.V. had wanted, whatever it was, and C.C., that witch, his accomplice, had apparently been in on it, too? How did Suzaku expect him to believe any of this? He sounded so certain that Lelouch didn't have much choice but to try, even in the face of all his doubts about his former friend, but this was...

He opened his mouth to say something but immediately closed it, his eyebrows knitting closely together. As easy as it would be to condemn Suzaku as a liar and refuse to listen any further, the story was too intricate to be an outright fabrication. There were many, many unflattering things Lelouch could say about Suzaku, but that wasn't one of them. It also made a horrifying amount of sense the more he thought about it, but-- how could his mother have been involved in all of this?

And Nunnally-- Lelouch's heart clenched painfully, both at the notion that V.V. had sought to use her like that and that his father had inflicted the trauma of those false memories onto her. She'd been unable to see all of these years-- because of that? Unable to walk because someone had considered her nothing more than a pawn to be sacrificed for the sake of this plan? How could they? And he and Nunnally had been sent to Japan-- to protect them?

Lelouch tore his hand away from his head and clenched it into a fist, glaring at Suzaku again even though his anger was directed somewhere else entirely. "That isn't protection," he snapped. "If they'd truly wanted to protect us, they wouldn't have sent us to a country only to declare war on it!" They had to have considered the consequences, but then if they had and done it anyway--

"Keep talking," he ordered, his hand returning to his head. He was making no effort to disguise his emotions now, too wrapped up in his horror and anguish to notice, much less care. His mother had always been one of if not the person he admired the most, and hearing this about her now... surely there had to be more to the story.

Edited 2009-03-11 19:10 (UTC)

"I know," said Suzaku quietly, his chest tightening a little bit at the look on Lelouch's face. By all rights, he shouldn't care about the feelings of Euphemia's murderer, he should just care about making sure Lelouch had all the appropriate information so they could get out of here and fix everything. But there was more to it than that, and he -- he couldn't not care. He and Lelouch were the same, really, whether he liked it or not.

"They were using you, this whole time," he continued. "Even though Charles took V.V.'s Code, they needed another code. And C.C. left when she found out about Marianne, so this whole time, they've been trying to get to her through you. The conflict with the Black Knights -- all the battles, all the people who died -- they didn't care, it was just a set-up to get to C.C.

"They didn't care about anything that happened in this world, in the present," and now his voice grew harder as he tried to control his own anger, "because their plan was to erase all that. The way they saw it, the identity every person takes on and the way they interact are just lies. They wanted to destroy the world we know in favor of the World of C -- it's like what some people call the universal consciousness. That way there wouldn't be different people, there wouldn't be lies, there wouldn't be conflict. There would just be everyone's hearts and memories or, or something like that. The living could be side-by-side with the dead. Or maybe it would be better to say that the living would be the same as the dead. They -- they were just going to force this on everyone, make it as if no one was even living at all. No one would be able to follow their own desires anymore, we'd all just be the same."

He probably hadn't explained it right. But that was how he understood it, and all he knew was that it wasn't right. No one would want that world; they'd even rather have their wars. It was like Charles and Marianne had just been writing off everyone's pain, the things everyone devoted their lives to, as worthless. Like everything would have been in vain, completely pointless, and no one would have had any worth as a person. Suzaku knew he didn't want war, he wanted people to stop hurting each other, but the answer wasn't just to destroy everything that made people who they were.

Lelouch had to agree. Even this Lelouch, who was in a different mindset from the Lelouch who had defeated his parents, would understand why this was so wrong. Because he and Lelouch had the same ideals, felt the same way about the world and the people around them. So he had to. Suzaku stared at his former friend, willing him to understand.

Lelouch was silent, staring blankly forward as he desperately tried to accept what Suzaku was telling him. It was easy to believe that the Emperor and V.V. would have wanted a world like that, and Lelouch could even come to terms with the fact that his fight with Britannia had meant nothing to them or their plans, but his mother-- how could she have wanted the same thing? He didn't want to think of her as an enemy, but now it seemed like he had no choice.

The details of the plan itself confirmed another fact for him, and he closed his eyes and bowed his head as he forced himself to face it: he and Nunnally had been abandoned. Both of their parents had prioritized this plan of theirs; Lelouch and Nunnally's lives had meant nothing in the grand scheme of things and had been treated as such. Why would they have been more if this world could eliminate the barriers between the living and the dead? He wanted to rage at them, to demand how and why they could dismiss their own flesh and blood in favor of such a foolish, selfish plan.

An unchanging world. That was what his mother, V.V., and the Emperor had been after. By removing those differences and those lies, people would exist together peacefully, but as Suzaku had said, it would be at the expense of their freedom to seek out their own happiness. How could they have thought that would be a good idea? What worth could there be in an existence like that? With nothing to desire, nothing to uncover, and nothing but memories of the past to sift through, the advancement of time would cease. The world would become closed, stagnant-- nothing more than a useless fixture, devoid of merit and meaning. Lelouch didn't want a world like that.

He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, the furious multitude of emotions running through him eventually sagging under the weight of his exhaustion and grief. So much had happened today that he was still fighting to understand and adapt to, and although he was trying his hardest, he was reaching his limit. Suzaku had to be waiting for a response, though, and after how patient he'd been-- Lelouch didn't like feeling indebted to him, much less him as a person, but there was no room for thoughts and feelings like that right now.

Opening his eyes again, he glanced up at Suzaku and asked simply, "Did we stop them?"

Lelouch had said the right thing, and Suzaku could breathe again. Even though he couldn't help but worry a little -- just the fact that Lelouch would show these emotions in front of him, whom he'd previously seen as an enemy, proved how close Lelouch was to. . . something. It was rare for Lelouch to lose control in front of someone like this, and it was a bit frightening. Suzaku supposed it must be a lot at once, being brought here, hearing about Nunnally, having to work with an enemy, and now this. But he just didn't know how to react to Lelouch being like this. He wasn't exactly sympathetic (he wasn't, he couldn't be) but it was still painful to watch. And a bit jarring. He couldn't comfort Lelouch, and he wasn't sure what he could do, other than just not say anything.

"Yeah, we did," he answered, a bit of his anger dissipating into quiet confidence. They had done the right thing, he was sure of it, and they could do it again if they had to. Lelouch should at least be able to take comfort in that. He'd lost everything and deserved it, they both did, but they'd done the right thing.

"Well, I thought we did," he amended with a frown, remembering the reason for this conversation in the first place. "But all this stuff about alternate dimensions, the placement of the ruins, your Geass being suppressed, it seems like too much of a coincidence. And if you really did have your memories erased. . . It's possible Charles somehow escaped, that all this has something to do with what happened."

Good. Had his parents succeeded-- but there was no point in thinking that over now. It may not have been his past, but there was no way to influence the outcome either way that Lelouch could see from inside this prison. He would have to wait until he'd escaped and after he'd saved Nunnally to do it. There was the uncomfortable prospect that altering what happened to her might affect their success against his parents, but knowing as much as he did about both now, there had to be some way around it.

Suzaku's speculation that the two events might be related dulled what relief Lelouch felt at the news, and as much as he hated the idea, he had to admit that it did seem suspicious. Except... "In order to gain possession of a Code, one must give up his or her Geass," he said, shaking his head. "There's no way the Emperor could have done such a thing." Unless he'd given up his Code? Would that have returned his Geass? Would he even have surved that? He had to have given his Code to someone else, too, and as neither Lelouch nor his mother qualified, it was impossible. C.C. was another option, he supposed, but none of what Suzaku had said suggested that it could have happened.

The rest of the events in the World of C didn't fit what was happening here either. He and Suzaku had been at the very center of it, and as there had been others to arrive before them and no one else from had come from their universe, this had to be something else. The only question was what.

"We shouldn't assume that those events helped shape the current situation," Lelouch said decisively, some of his composure returning as he grew more certain of himself. It wasn't much-- just the faint lifting of his head and the restoration of some of his previous calm-- but it was something. "I don't know about you, but I'm not interested in limiting myself by using what's already proven to be an outdated model. It's time for a paradigm shift." He probably could have phrased that more politely, but he didn't care and it got the point across.

Suzaku sighed. That made sense. Didn't necessarily mean there wasn't a connection, but if Charles wasn't involved it was one less thing they had to worry about. They just had to get back to their own world, and go on from there.

He could tell that Lelouch was already taking charge of the situation, and of himself. Already trying to get back on his feet and move on, using what he'd just learned. Suzaku knew he had put his faith in the right person -- someone who sinned, maybe, someone who had been misguided at points, but ultimately someone strong enough to bring the change the world sorely needed. Lelouch would continue to fight for the future no matter what happened, no matter what he himself lost, and Suzaku would do the same. Suzaku had found this surety back on the plane of the Sword of Akasha, and it was only being reinforced now. Even in this place, they would manage to do something about the state of things. Suzaku had to believe that, and looking at Lelouch now, he really could.

"I know what you mean," he replied, almost smiling. Trust Lelouch to put it that way. Even if the events were connected, they would have to treat this situation as a new obstacle and give it everything they had. "I think we should keep the possibility in mind, though, at least until we get more information." Information that was definitely lacking at this point. The worst part about this situation was that it was hard to find a place to start. They would make do, they always did, but this would be a challenge.

"Did you have any more questions about the Ragnarok, or anything else that happened?"

Lelouch wondered if he should feel insulted; of course he was going to keep that possibility in mind. Who did Suzaku think he was? The statement obviously wasn't meant to be interpreted that way, though, so he merely resisted the urge to roll his eyes and looked away. Understanding more about Suzaku's recent past had made it easier to tolerate being in the same room as him, but Lelouch doubted he'd ever fully relax around him again. The lingering distress he felt over his parents and the incident at breakfast didn't count.

"Several come to mind," he said slowly, thinking back over everything he'd heard so far. It was tempting to start off with a question about Nunnally's death and how he could prevent it, but as prominent in his mind as that issue was, it still came second to stopping his parents and getting out of here. Suzaku likely wasn't prepared for it yet, either, and as much as Lelouch had wanted to hurt him earlier, bringing up such a painful subject now wasn't entirely appropriate. He didn't think he could put it off for much longer when it had dominated his thoughts for more of the day, but he could wait.

"You said that we stopped them, but you didn't mention how or what happened to them afterward. With their intentions, they couldn't have been allowed to remain in either the real world or the World of C, but..." He trailed off, brow furrowing. How did you kill an immortal and someone whose physical form had died years ago? It probably should have horrified him that he was thinking this about his own parents, but after what they'd done, he considered it perfectly justified.

No, he hadn't mentioned how. Suzaku looked away as well. He hadn't wanted to have to tell Lelouch that he had killed his own parents, even if Lelouch opposed them enough to do so now. Maybe it was his own lingering memories of his father's blood on his hands, maybe it was the image of an old friend with his head in his hands, trying to handle too many painful revelations at once. It was probably just that Suzaku wouldn't know how to say that to anyone. He'd hoped he wouldn't have to specify, but it was only fair that Lelouch have all the facts about what had happened to his parents.

"Well, it was mostly you," he began uncertainly. He supposed he'd done his part, but it had mostly been Lelouch's struggle. "You used your Geass -- the World of C is the connection of all the minds of humanity, so you called on all of them to stop your parents. Your Geass got stronger in the process, too, I think; it appeared in your right eye. And then the Sword of Akasha started to fall apart, and -- and, um, your parents were absorbed by the World of C. I think they just. . . don't exist anymore. Providing they didn't escape and aren't involved with all this."

Lelouch probably wasn't the kind of person who would be too troubled by that. If he thought they deserved it, he could kill his own family members, he'd already proven that. It still felt like something that Suzaku shouldn't be allowed to tell Lelouch, second-hand like this. It still felt like something that would hurt Lelouch, if Suzaku were honest with himself about why it made him so uncomfortable. Not like he should care about whether Lelouch felt hurt or not, but this wasn't the kind of way Suzaku wanted to hurt anybody. He didn't want to intrude on things like this, on something between family members, on the pain of killing your parent.

"... Ah." So Lelouch had been the one to do it. How fitting, and how terribly ironic that after searching for his mother's murderer for so long, he had ended up being the one to kill her himself. What a useless quest seeking revenge had turned out to be.

He fell silent after that, staring at the floor and dropping his hand from his head so that he could lace his fingers together in front of him. As foolish as it was, he couldn't decide if he should be feeling regret at this point. He hadn't yet done the deed himself, but he knew he would carry out this duty unflinchingly once the time came. That may as well have been the same thing, right? But his parents had deserved it-- both of them had-- and above all else, it had been necessary to ensure that the world would have a future.

All right. He wouldn't regret it. They had more important things to focus on anyway.

He separated his hands and finally straightened fully in his seat, his gaze settling on Suzaku one more. It was almost alarming how much they had in common now, but despite all of that, Lelouch couldn't think of Suzaku as anything other than an incredibly painful ally. Especially since... well, there was no point in delaying it now.

"The events leading up to Nunnally's death," Lelouch began, surprising himself with just how steady his voice sounded but letting none of this show on his face. "What were they? Be specific."

Lelouch was so quiet for so long. Suzaku wanted to say something to help, something about how to cope with the knowledge that one's parent died at one's own hand. But he wouldn't be the person he was now if he knew the first thing about coping with that. Besides, it wasn't his place to say anything, and whatever he might say wouldn't be well received, if only because it was coming from him. So he just kept his silence and waited for Lelouch to gather his wits again.

And when Lelouch did, Suzaku wished they could have just stayed in silence forever. Of course Lelouch would want to know about that -- he was still probably struggling to understand that it had really happened. And there was the possibility. . . Suzaku wondered if Lelouch's memories had actually been erased at all. With all the manipulation of time going on, it was possible Lelouch came from a different time period from him within their own world. At least, Suzaku was pretty sure Lelouch was thinking along those lines, what with the questions he had been asking. Suzaku wasn't so sure, because he himself had seen Lelouch just after the time this Lelouch claimed to have been taken from. Maybe once they got out of here they would find a way to return to the exact time from which they were taken, but then Lelouch wouldn't have made the same mistakes twice. Unless -- no, it didn't make any sense, all the time loops and different continuities.

This wasn't the time to be thinking about it, anyway, because for whatever reason Lelouch wanted to know what happened. And Suzaku would have to say it. Out loud. He'd have to acknowledge what he'd done, relive it all again. But he wasn't going to shrink from it, he wasn't going to deny the responsibility he had. He'd done this, he would live up to it, and the least he could do was to recite his crimes. It was a just punishment in its own right, and if he couldn't, then he was just a coward who evaded the consequences of his actions.

That didn't make it any easier. Now Suzaku was the one staring at the floor as he began in the most tightly controlled voice he could manage, figuring he might as well start at the beginning, "When we met at the Kururugi Shrine, we agreed that I would help you save Nunnally if you would end your war. We were going to do it together. But Prince Schneizel had me followed, and you were captured. You assumed that I'd betrayed you again. I hadn't known, but I -- I should have made more of an effort to make sure I wasn't followed. It was my fault.

"I don't know when you had the opportunity, but at some point you'd placed a Geass on Guilford, and he helped you escape. So you went to continue the battle for Tokyo. Every part of our meeting was recorded, and that's how Prince Schneizel found out about your identity, and Geass. I was sent back out with the Lancelot, which had been armed with the F.L.E.I.A." Here Suzaku faltered for just a moment, before hardening his voice and continuing.

"It's a weapon of mass destruction, developed by Nina's team. She wanted me to fire it at you, but I planned just to use it to force your surrender. But you didn't believe me when I said what kind of weapon I was carrying, because you thought I'd lied to you earlier. At some point, Kallen escaped, and she took the Guren to protect you. Lloyd and Cecile had modified it so much that it outperformed my Lancelot, and when you, um, when you ordered Kallen to kill me, it became obvious that I wasn't going to win against her. I should have retreated at that point. I should have known what was going to happen when -- when it became clear that I wasn't going to live."

Suzaku swallowed. He wasn't going to let himself pin this on Lelouch, or even on the existence of Geass. He didn't deserve to be absolved in that way -- he was still the one who did it. "So I fired the F.L.E.I.A. I didn't choose to, but I still did it. I'm still responsible. Kallen ducked, and it hit the Tokyo Settlement. Nunnally hadn't been evacuated in time. And neither had. . . neither had another ten million people." Suzaku felt sick. He thought he'd accepted this, acknowledged it and moved on. He thought he'd conquered the part of him that cringed at what he'd done. But it was just so difficult to condemn himself all over.

Lelouch went dangerously still. Suzaku had-- because of that order, Suzaku had killed ten million people? Ten million?! And Nunnally had been caught in the blast-- not deliberate, then, which would have been a comfort if Lelouch had been in any state to appreciate it. Ten million people and Nunnally--

He turned away sharply, the dispassionate mask he'd only just succeeded in sculpting for himself falling away and shattering. Suzaku may have been perfectly willing to accept responsibility for all of those deaths, but that didn't change the fact that he would never have fired a weapon like that if he had been in complete control of himself. Lelouch's Geass had forced his hand, and everyone had suffered for it. Nunnally had suffered for it. The last person Lelouch had wanted to hurt had paid the ultimate price for his mistakes, and now...

He leaned forward heavily, his elbows catching on the desk and just barely holding him upright as he slipped further into despair. He kept his face angled away from Suzaku, determined to keep the tears welling in his eyes hidden. Suzaku could not see him cry, not when he'd only blame himself again for something he hadn't done-- not willingly, at least. No, the blame rested solely on Lelouch's shoulders. It always had, and if what he'd just been told was true, it always would. There was no escaping it, especially when through Suzaku, he'd massacred millions. Like princess, like knight-- was that how it was? Would he always end up forcing those he cared about most to kill and die in his stead? He'd never meant to order Euphy (poor, sweet Euphy) to kill the Japanese and he'd never meant for Suzaku's life to cost so many others theirs, but he had and it did. And now... now the only thing he was left with was the knowledge that he, Lelouch, had been the one responsible for all of it. Everything up until this point had been his fault.

"Did-- did everyone on the student council...?" he asked, struggling to keep his voice even. The dam holding back all of the emotions that had built up in him over the past day was threatening to break-- already was breaking, if the tears continuing to obscure his vision were any indication. He couldn't seem to stop them, and in a last ditch effort to keep them hidden (probably useless by this point, considering how much he was shaking from trying to keep it all in), he shielded his face from view with one hand in a poor approximation of his usual thoughtful pose. There really was no purpose to this pretense, but as long as it stopped Suzaku from asking what was wrong, Lelouch saw no reason to give it up just yet.

Edited 2009-03-13 23:09 (UTC)

At first, Suzaku didn't notice Lelouch's reaction, still staring at the floor as he was. Silence, and he heard Lelouch shift. He knew the other boy must be horrified, might even be blaming himself, but Suzaku knew Lelouch would be able to handle this, just like he had handled everything else. The worst part was over; he already knew Nunnally was dead. Lelouch had done so many horrible things, and even if he felt guilt over them, he had been able to go on pursuing his ambitions. So he would get past this, get over whatever momentary shock he was in. Then Lelouch spoke.

"The Student Council building was right outside of the blast zone. As far as I know, they're all fine," Suzaku answered, finally looking up. Something in Lelouch's tone had struck him as wrong. No matter how hard he tried, Lelouch couldn't completely conceal the emotion choking his voice. It also didn't fit that Lelouch would be so concerned over the Student Council. They might be his friends, but he hadn't cared when it was Shirley, had he? Or at any rate, he'd been able to overcome whatever compassion he might have had, enough to eliminate her. So why -- ?

Lelouch was slumped over, shielding his face, and shaking. As Suzaku stared, what he had heard in the other's voice clicked. Lelouch wasn't -- was he crying? That wasn't. . . that wasn't supposed to happen. It didn't fit. Lelouch was Zero, he was always in control, he was always strong enough to do anything to achieve the results he wanted, no matter what the consequences. Even without the mask, Lelouch would keep coldly working toward his goals no matter how many deaths were on his shoulders. Even before Suzaku knew how Lelouch could calculate the benefit of a person's death, he'd always seen Lelouch as perfectly in control of himself. Suzaku knew Zero couldn't have cried after the SAZ massacre, so what was he doing crying now?

"Lelouch? Are. . . are you --" Suzaku managed to cut himself off before he could finish the thought. Lelouch wouldn't want him to acknowledge this, and their relationship right now didn't leave room for that kind of thing anyway. Those things just couldn't be said between them, even if he did feel an unexpected, instinctive pain at the sight of someone he used to care about so distraught. He didn't know what he was supposed to do, or even what he wanted to do. Put his hand on Lelouch's shoulder? Hit him? Turn the other way and pretend it never happened?

The last option was probably the most reasonable, but Suzaku couldn't just leave this the way it was. He didn't know exactly what was going through Lelouch's head, but he knew that he wasn't supposed to be acting like this. He wasn't supposed to let himself be overtaken by what was in the past, but to move on toward the future. That's what Zero was as a symbol, and what Lelouch was as a person, so Suzaku couldn't let him fall apart like this.

"Lelouch." He tried at least to soften his tone a bit, though that might be a lost cause. "What happened, happened. The only thing we can do is make sure it doesn't happen again, do everything we can to make sure everyone else has a future, no matter what you and I have become. You know that."

Somehow, the flood of relief Lelouch felt at the news only made him cry harder. With everything that had happened, he doubted he'd ever see them again, but at least they had been spared. He couldn't afford to let any more people get caught up in this, not when so many had been lost already. Still, it was probably only a matter of time before the whole world was consumed, and then-- what then?

A second hand joined the first, and although he was trying his hardest to stay utterly silent, he couldn't quite quiet the huge, racking sobs that shook his entire frame. It was all too much. Waking up here, those cats, Nunnally's death, Suzaku's betrayal, his Geass malfunctioning, Ragnarok, his parents' abandonment, his parents' deaths, F.L.E.I.A.-- there had been so much that had happened within the past twenty-four hours that would have been enough to stop or slow Lelouch down on its own, but he'd kept moving onward regardless. It was all catching up to him now, and even though he was trying to escape or at least postpone this reaction, he couldn't stop it.

He crumpled even further in his seat, all but ignoring everything Suzaku had said as he continued crying uncontrollably. He understood what the words meant, yes, but if Suzaku honestly expected him to magically recuperate right now because of them, he was even more idiotic than Lelouch had thought.

Edited 2009-03-15 03:03 (UTC)

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Re: M31

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