damned_institute | Day 29: Sun Room

... What, an actually friendly greeting? Kadaj frowned minutely, trying to remember just how their last conversation had ended. He thought he knew, but his version of events didn't seem like it had been pleasant enough to justify Cloud being nice to him. He certainly wouldn't have told his big brother he'd "worried about him," but then again, he wasn't the black sheep of the family, was he?

Smiling a little more bemusedly now, he settled down on the spot indicated without really thinking about it and said, "I've been all right. Yesterday was boring, but I suppose any city that isn't Edge in chaos lacks a certain something, don't you? What about you? And why don't you think you have anyone worth avoiding? Are you really that optimistic?"

Cloud was pleased when Kadaj did not throw a snide comment back at him but instead took the offered seat without any complaint at all. Usually Kadaj gave him the hairy eyeball trying to see if he was doing this all just to get a good backstab on the remnant. Maybe some of the things he had been insisting were starting to stick?

"I agree," he murmured, humming to himself. He debated mentioning Sephiroth, but he then thought better of it. Keep things slow and easy right now. "Edge was a nicer city anyway, in my opinion anyway. There was more to do there."

He shrugged and looked over at Kadaj. "I have never been accused of being an optimist, but I would never avoid you or anyone else that I know. I feel that I am strong enough to at least be able to maintain a conversation with everything that I know," he said conversationally. "Besides, I can hardly be a big brother if I never talk to you, right?"

This brotherly attitude was very, very unsettling coming from Cloud, but he was determined to not let on the fact that it was bothering him. Still, why was the traitor even bothering? Kadaj still didn't trust him, even if he was willing to put up with him, but this was... well, "odd" didn't even begin to cover it. What would Mother say? Besides, it made him miss Yazoo terribly, and there was no way he was going to let some traitor replace his real brother in any case... if that's what he was trying to do. But why would he?

Sounding distracted, Kadaj replied, "You've chosen quite a time to play house, you know. Of all the times to pick... but you don't devote much thought to these things, do you? Or is it that you don't care? Don't understand? Or did you never want to up until now? You're not even doing it for her, and that's so selfish of you. Mother doesn't approve at all."

Ah. He'd been meaning to avoid talking about her, hadn't he? Glancing off to the side, he said, "I think you're lying. There has to be someone you'd like to avoid, right? Or would you prefer that we were all just one big happy family?" If he hadn't been so calm, he would have snarled it. One big happy family indeed.

Cloud remembered when Marlene used to ask him to play house to see if it would embarass him. He had been very very bad at it. Maybe he was starting to miss the children a little, since he was used to having to at least think about their needs. Kadaj was sort of like a child, in his own mind... wishing someone would see him.

He raised an eyebrow to the sudden barrage of questions, glad to see Kadaj was moving back to fine form. "I do what feels right," he finally said after a moment of silence. "No, I am not doing it for her. I am doing it for you and myself." He chuckled in the back of his throat. "Jenova probably never approved much of me."

He turned a little to look at Kadaj. He seemed a little too interested, perhaps... wanting to know that he also feared someone even if he pretended to never show it? Like Kadaj, he realized.

He went back to leaning against the wall, resting his hands on knees. "...Sephiroth," he said softly. "I like avoiding him sometimes because he twists things... twists me so that I feel like I am falling in line again." He went silent for a moment before adding, "Making me a puppet."

He could already guess the answer, but he asked, "who do you avoid, Kadaj?"

"Selfish, selfish, selfish-- that's so like you, Big Brother. The one that does things for himself." And what did that say about him? But Kadaj already knew what he was, and that meant it didn't matter, right? All that mattered was how very annoying Sephiroth had gotten-- did he really think he could fool him? Hah...

Forcing those thoughts away, he continued, "I think Mother must have approved of you at some point. Didn't you do what she wanted once?" One of those memories that weren't his seemed to be trying to get his attention, but he didn't feel like paying attention to it just now. Something about the Black Materia... ah, it didn't matter.

His mouth twisted into an unpleasant little smile at Cloud's admission, nodding very faintly to himself before shrugging. "Thought so. And you don't like being a puppet, do you? How does he make you feel like you're falling in line? I thought you, dear traitor, were too stubborn for that."

Hopefully Cloud wouldn't notice that he hadn't said who he avoided. Yeah, like that would happen.

"It must run in the little family going on," Cloud murmured softly. "Sephiroth is pretty selfish too," he added, his eyes staying on his legs. He almost wished that he had not allowed Kadaj to pull the name from him, but being here was about being honest... about showing Kadaj that not everything had to come with lies and deceit.

He tried not to think of those times when he had responded to the call, pushed with all he had to do what he had been chosen to do. His drive was to answer the call, the feeling of Jenova's cells pulling him in and wrapping him up to do exactly as Sephiroth wanted. "I suppose... I did, way back then." That was probably why he was still alived in some capacity.

Looking over at Kadaj, it seemed that giving a few details meant the remnant hungered for more out of him. "Sephiroth has a way of twisting a situation to make me question the very ideals I believe." He frowned a little, though he refused to look away. "No one likes to be a puppet, Kadaj. Do you not agree?"

He noted Kadaj's silence, but he was not about to break it with his own pushing. He knew more than Kadaj thought he did.

Selfishness sort of came with the territory with Sephiroth, didn't it? Kadaj got the feeling Mother would be upset if he spoke ill of his big brother to the traitor of all people, though, so he merely snorted softly. He didn't think that he, Yazoo, or Loz were selfish, but whatever. Cloud didn't know what he was talking about.

He didn't have much to say about his brother's history as a puppet either, which even he would have found odd if he hadn't been trying not to think of just what it was that was making him so subdued throughout this meeting. Good thing Cloud hadn't noticed yet-- or, if he had, good thing he hadn't brought it up. This conversation was depressing enough without bringing that up.

At Cloud's question, though, he finally spoke up. "It depends on who's pulling the strings, I think, and what you accomplish by obeying them. I know you don't like what Mother stands for, but I do. Mother deserves more than what she's been given." This really, really wasn't the best topic. He had to find a way to change it without Cloud catching on.

Cloud found Kadaj's silence on certain matters to be a little disconcerting. He was used to having every comment he made thrown back in his face and feeling like he was constantly waging an uphill battle with Kadaj. Right now, it almost seemed possible for him to be something more than 'just a traitor'.

So, Kadaj was admitting to being a willing puppet for Jenova. Everyone needed to believe in something, to feel some kind of greater connection. Kadaj could probably also create a sort of persona for Jenova, leaving expectations open but never really denied. However, Kadaj knew that it was no longer Jenova involved.

He was not about to break the bubble of denial either. That was dangerous ground.

"I never really... knew about Jenova for a long time," he murmured. "However, I know what it feels like to have the pull of her cells in my blood. Back then... those cells made me feel loved, a part of something that I did not have to understand as long as I did what I was supposed to." He frowned and sighed, glancing at Kadaj. "Have you ever experienced that?"

He looked over at Kadaj after a moment. "What is this... visitation day? No one knows that I am here, so who could ever come? Do people actually come to visit us?"

... He really, really should have changed the subject earlier.

There was a long, long silence before Kadaj spoke up again, but when he did, there was a definite testiness to his tone. "Why are you even asking? Mother is... of course she-- the cells don't just make you feel that, she really does love her children-- the faithful ones, anyway-- and she rewards obedience. I don't know why you're asking. Don't do it again." How dare he question that? That's what he was doing, wasn't it? The nerve-- well, whatever. Kadaj would just ignore him if he brought it up again.

It was much, much harder to answer his questions about the visitors, though, and Kadaj seemed to almost shrink in on himself before he shook his head and said, "You really don't know anything, do you? Yes, people come. They look like people from back home. They-- it doesn't matter if the people are dead to us or not. Anyone can come. They think..." He didn't want to finish that sentence. "You'll see."

Casting Kadaj a sideways glance, Cloud knew that tone of voice well enough. They were talking about something that Kadaj was uncomfortable speaking of, meaning that the remnant would probably become unbearably volatile to get off the topic.

"Yes, but... is a mother not supposed to love her children regardless of the path they take?" He knew he was travelling on dangerous territory, but he was curious to see where this ideal world that revolved around Jenova came from. "I made bad decisions in my childhood, ones that my own mother would never approve of, but she still loved me and cherished me nonetheless. Is it because Jenova is a higher being that her love is only given to those that do as she wishes rather than to everyone who she has..." infected was such a strong word, so he fished for something less antagonistic but failed to come up with something.

He frowned at Kadaj's reaction. That meant the visits were terrible if it caused such a motion in Kadaj of all people. "I have only been here three days," he reminded gently. "Anyone... even the dead?" A feeling to dread suddenly appeared within him.

What if... what if Aerith came? What if she told him things he knew were wrong? She had never lied to him before, and he could not think of what would happen if she came with that smiling face telling him things that would cause him to question himself. Sephiroth did that enough to him.

Kadaj glared at him. "And if you'd tried killing your 'mother,' would she have forgiven you for it? If you'd defied her in everything, would she have forgiven you? If you'd attacked her other sons and killed them, what then? You assume a lot for someone supposedly seeking answers. If you're going to judge Mother's actions based on what your filthy, inferior whore of a 'mother' did for you, you're obviously not going to get anywhere! Why should Mother be forgiving when she knows you're capable of more? It's your own failing, and you should be punished for it! Can't you tell?"

He bowed his head, closing his eyes for a moment and trying very hard to keep his emotions in check. If staying at Landel's had done anything positive for him, it was make him less likely to physically lash out when angered. Choking Cloud to death sounded very, very attractive right now, but... or maybe he could finish the job before the nurses noticed? Maybe if he pretended he was giving him a hug...

The corner of his mouth twitched, but Cloud's further questions about the visitors stopped it from becoming a smile, however grim. He just didn't know when to stop, did he? "Yes, even the dead. Don't sound so surprised, Big Brother. After all, I'm here. You of all people should know what happened to me." What an idiot. No wonder Mother didn't like him.

Cloud went stonily still as Kadaj's words slammed into him hard, and he was completely silent as his normally evened breathing raised. All the relaxed atmosphere seemed to disappear as all the muscles along his body tensed, leaving him rigidly seated on the cushion. His eyes had fallen behind the line of his bangs, hiding them from view the more and more Kadaj insulted a being that had done nothing to deserve such crude words.

He could not think of a time when he had been more insulted, and he was left silently fixed in place. His jawline bulged with tension even as one of his fists closed tightly as if ready to strike, to silence those foul words coming from Kadaj.

He should defend her, his brain told him. He should be seizing Kadaj by the throat and giving a strict warning that such things were not to be uttered to him when he spoke no ill against Jenova when he could have. His mother was dead - rest her soul - and she had done nothing to deserve the death handed to her that day. She did not deserve insults nor slanderous words; she was a good woman.

Yet, despite the feelings of spiked anger - the first he had felt in a long time it seemed - Cloud could not bring himself to raise a hand against Kadaj. He told himself that he was above that. He told himself that the barbs that had just been thrown against such a simple thing as 'a mother' were a sign that Kadaj was hurting. When people were hurt, they went out to hurt other people to ease their own suffering.

Kadaj was more and more like an injured dog backed into a corner with no way to act but in fear. Such topics would drag out the need to be savage and fierce and unrelenting... because Kadaj's wounds ran deep. Deeper than perhaps even he understood.

Slowly, his hand unclenched from where it rested on his knee and he seemed to move with a painful slowness as he turned so that he was facing Kadaj next to him. He did not lift his head as he said, "I am not your enemy, Kadaj. Please stop treating me like one," he murmured softly, pain laced in his voice.

Without realizing it, he reached out with his hands and gently curled them around Kadaj's neck in the form of a loose hug. He did not hold it long before beginning to withdraw again. Maybe that would earn him a punch to the face or a more savage attack, but he would not hurt Kadaj, not knowingly. "I will protect you. I promise."

It was only after seeing the rage and tension in Cloud's features that Kadaj realized that maybe, just maybe insulting his 'mother' hadn't been the best idea. Still, he deserved it-- how dare he compare Mother to some human anyway? Mother was better than that, and even a traitor should be aware of it. The very idea-- but those thoughts weren't helping him right now, and if Cloud did end up retaliating for his comments like he looked like he was going to, the best he could hope for was that he got a few good hits in himself before they were both sedated. Or he could set it up so that only Cloud was punished?

He stiffened once his big brother finally moved, leaning away from him automatically before he could stop himself. When no strike seemed forthcoming, though, his lifted his gaze to meet Cloud's and frowned at the... was that actual, genuine hurt in his voice? Why--?!

He flinched back a little at the "hug," raising his hand to hopefully break the grip if his brother decided to oh-so-conveniently act out his earlier idle thoughts (he was the one who was supposed to commit fratricide, not the other way around!), but Cloud's hold on him wasn't threatening in any sense of the word and was released before he could even process what had happened. What the hell was he doing?!

Staring at him unabashedly, Kadaj replied haltingly, "Protect me from what? And... why are you..." He held the stare for a few more seconds before finally looking away, making a face as if whatever he had been planning on saying had been distasteful somehow. If he hadn't been so thrown off by this behavior, he would have turned the tables and throttled him by now. What was he thinking? "Why are you acting like that?" he settled for asking instead, still not looking at him. Ask questions first, kill later. Not his usual procedure, but he could always revert to that if this didn't go as planned.

The anger that had haunted him just moments before seemed completely washed away by the fact that Kadaj did not attack him or push him away in a hurry after his unannounced hug. He dropped his hands back to his knees and slowly turned back to his previous position staring across the room.

The corner of his lips came up in the beginnings of a smile at Kadaj's questions. He simply let the silence fall between them as he enjoyed the previous moment, his fingers lacing together in a casual gesture of being at peace.

He made a soft humming noise as he leaned against the wall, finally turning his head to regard Kadaj. "Because big brothers are supposed to be protectors," he said simply. "You need someone to lean on and who you can trust here. Being alone and vulnerable will tire you out eventually... I will protect you. I want to help you because you are in pain. I can relate."

That answer only confused him further-- not because he disagreed with Cloud's statements necessarily, but because.. well, why would Cloud, of all people, say that to him? Maybe if it was Yazoo or Loz... but even in those cases, he would have been annoyed at them for bringing it up. He did need them, and he couldn't have gotten as far as he had without them, but damn it, he was supposed to be the leader. Things like that had always gone unspoken. Was that why Cloud felt the need to say it? But he was a traitor, not one of his real brothers! If he hadn't run the idea into the ground the last time they'd talked in this room, he would have accused Cloud of having ulterior motives for this again, but saying that now when he honestly couldn't think of any would just make him look ridiculous. Had Cloud hit his head or something? That seemed more likely, but with how quickly injuries healed in this place...

He frowned again, glancing at him once more before just as quickly looking away. "I'm not in pain. I don't need protecting, and especially not from you. Didn't I tell you before that I don't need your help? I don't like this condescending behavior of yours at all, Big Brother. I don't need you to do any of these things you say you want to or will do. You're just deluding yourself. I've told you all of this before, so why won't the message stick?" Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn-- he was so stubborn! Maybe he was the one that needed help, if it took him this long for it to sink in. It couldn't be the other way around.

Cloud folded his hands behind his head again, feeling like he was back to being casual once more. He thought that Kadaj being confused and eyeing him up with that same kind of confusion to be likeable. The fact that Kadaj did not accuse him of anything felt like a step in the right direction, and he wanted to feel like he was moving in a right direction, whatever it might be. He simply had to convince Kadaj that his way was not painful, did not require any manner of humiliation, and would help in the long run.

He shrugged his shoulders a little as if Kadaj's words were not affecting him... or he was not listening. He swung around after a moment, crossing his legs in front of him and staring at Kadaj. "You do not get an option in this decision, Kadaj. Accept it graciously."

He scratched his chin for a moment before he softly demanded, "now tell me your room number." He rested his chin against his hand and looked Kadaj up and down expectantly. "Give me your room number and I will tell you a way to annoy Sephiroth. Fair trade?"

Ever bratty, Kadaj was quick to retort, "And since when do you get to tell me what to do? I don't think so, Big Brother. That's not how this works. Try again." How could he accept something graciously if it had been forced upon him, anyway? That didn't make the slightest bit of sense to him. Cloud would pay for this insolence later, he would make sure of it.

It didn't help that more orders were on their way, and, glowering at him at this most recent development, he pushed back his curiosity and snarled, "As a matter of fact, that doesn't sound like a fair trade to me. Why should I tell you where my room is in exchange for that? I can think of plenty of ways to annoy him on my own, thank you very much. If you really want to know my room number, I suggest you sweeten the deal."

Cloud considered Kadaj for a moment. He was a leader himself, not entirely liking taking orders and it seemed that Kadaj was the same way. He thought it was just difficult for Kadaj to accept that he was giving out orders. "Less about telling and more about suggesting strongly," he said in reply. "Besides, the technical term 'big brother' indicates that I have authority over you in order to keep you safe as I see fit."

He ignored the fact that Kadaj was glowering at him, not feeling the expression at all threatening or worth an expression of his own. "Because, it means that you get something out of the deal in the first place. See that nurse over there? I bet if I asked very nicely once the shift chances that you forgot to tell me where your room was, she would probably give it to me."

He leaned back on his arms and thought about what he could give to cause Kadaj to accept his offer. "Name something you want, and I will consider it. Plus, I will still throw in a way to annoy Sephiroth."

As he saw fit? Ugh. Making another face, Kadaj asked, "And since when did this little rule exist? I think you're making things up, Big Brother. Besides, were you 'keeping me safe as you saw fit' when you killed me? I don't think so. One more try, and you'd better get it right this time." He didn't actually know what "getting it right" meant himself, but he was sure he'd know it when he heard it.

The glare intensified once Cloud brought up the nurses, and after shifting it momentarily over to the one indicated, Kadaj refocused on his brother and said, "But that's cheating. You wouldn't do that, would you? Even if you are a traitor." Uncertainty nagged at him, and although he tried, he was unable to quash it. Not fair!

"How about if you leave me alone? I think I'd tell you what it was if you promised that. I don't think you'd listen to that, though. You're so very obstinate." An obstinate, cheating traitor. Why did this brother have to be the one he was stuck with?

Cloud frowned when Kadaj seemed to like throwing the 'when you killed me' card whenever things were not going the remnant's way. He shrugged a little before saying, "I seem to remember catching you after you fell. I never stabbed you mortally nor did I kill you. I was simply there when you died," he murmured softly. "And I do not know all the rules... I never had a sibling before. I am an only child. I have been told that rule exists though."

At the glare, he looked towards the nurse that seemed intent on supervising the patients. "It is only cheating because you cannot find a way to counter it. Are you daring me that I would not do it?" Now this seemed like brotherly bickering. It was interesting.

"I will not make a promise that I do not plan on keeping," he admitted, not about to let this drop. "How about telling me your room number now? I can be more obstinant if you would like me to be."

Kadaj looked away when his brother mentioned catching him, but after avoiding his gaze for a few seconds, he was back to glaring at him. Why did he have to bring that up? "You're still responsible for my death. You had to have known that killing him would kill me, too. Don't try to deny it. Who told you that rule, anyway? And how do you know they weren't lying?"

A genuine pout made its way onto his face when it seemed like his accusations about cheating were contested, and he floundered for a moment before saying, "That's not why it's cheating! I could counter it if I wanted to. In fact, I will! Don't you dare ask the nurse what my room number is!" There had to be some way to counter it, right? Maybe if he said that Cloud was some kind of stalker...

"I'm not telling you my room number. Why do you want to know so badly, anyway? It doesn't concern you." He sounded sulky now, even to his own ears. Damn it, he should have tried something else. Stupid traitor.

Cloud raised an eyebrow at Kadaj, thinking that the remnant was just grasping for straws on how to push him away. Did Kadaj not know that he had to defeat Sephiroth? If he had not defeated Sephiroth, Kadaj would have probably never been released or ended up here. "Would you have existed inside of him if I had failed to defeat him?" He frowned at the thought before shrugging a little more helplessly. "When I was in boot camp, a lot of my classmates had siblings who would visit. They told me such things, and I had no method of comparison. You have brothers, so is that true or not?"

He was silently amused by Kadaj's little show. It seemed that he was deflating the remnant's argument now, which was making a humorous show of pouting and scrambling. "Alright, I will not dare. I will simply inquire, stating that I have lost track of the sibling who I have pledged to protect and make sure he is well."

He did not pout, but he managed to look at least a little put out that Kadaj was still refusing. "I want to know because I want to know," he said simply. "It does concern me if we are brothers in any capacity, especially if you regard me as such."

What kind of question was that? Would he have existed...? Kadaj opened his mouth to reply, but soon after that, he closed it. Would he? "... I don't know," he answered at length. "You'd have to ask him that. And you... well, the rules are different when it comes to me and my brothers. You're different. Do you really think you can apply normal rules to us?" This was beginning to sound a bit too much like their earlier argument about Mother, but since it about her, he had no real problem with it.

He did have a problem with his brother's insistence at learning his room number, though, and after glaring at him for a moment longer, he asked, "How do you know that will work? We don't really look alike, do we? I can still counter it."

His expression turned thoughtful then, as if Cloud's stubbornness was finally paying off and getting the message through to him. "If I tell you, will you promise not to tell anyone else?" he asked, giving him an appraising look. He blinked, then quickly added, "Not that I'm saying I will or anything, but if I do, I don't want you using the information against me. I still don't trust you, Big Brother. I'd be a fool to."

Cloud was not about to think about whether or not the remnants would or would not exist if absorbed again. He found it easier to think of the three remnants as individuals rather than fragments of Sephiroth's soul. He shrugged at the accusation that he was different; he knew that better than they did. "Well, as I said before, I have never had siblings before, so I do not know. You are the expert, since you have two brothers."

He looked to the nurse then back at Kadaj. "They have heard you call me 'big brother'. Our resemblence is probably not very consequencial with you referring to me as a sibling." He nodded his chin towards the nurse. "Do you think she will buy your counter after she has already given me your room number?"

He was pleased when it seemed that his stubbornness was finally winning out. He did not let the pleased state appear on his features, and he considered the question. "I promise that I will tell no one, even if questioned," he murmured before adding, "unless you gave me your expressed permission."

Folding his hands behind his head again, he said, "I do my best not to use information against people. It does not build trust well." If he could get the room number, it proved to him that it was possible to get Kadaj's trust as well.

"Four, technically," Kadaj corrected, smirking faintly. "Two of you don't count for this 'rule,' but Yazoo and Loz..." He trailed off and shook his head. "We looked after each other, but that's not the same as you having this 'authority' over me like you claim you do. They understood that I don't need protecting. You're just an aberration, as usual. Why should I let you get away with it?"

He was at a loss when it came to the next part of Cloud's argument, though, and after glancing quickly between his brother and the nurse, he hissed, "But if you do that you know I'll never, ever trust you, right? Not after you did something so underhanded."

Even with that said, he was running out of reasons to avoid giving away his room number. What else was there? Ah... "What if someone follows you? I don't want that to happen, either. No one's really threatened me lately, but that might change in the future." He actually doubted that would happen, but Cloud didn't need to know that.

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