damned_institute | Day 28: Morris Park

Accepted? That seemed unlikely. He hadn't been complete in his apology; the greatest insult had not been addressed. Nor would it, for the time being.

"Then go I shall," he replied, and turned away once more. Stepping around the orderly that had previously blocked his path, he stalked off down Main Street (http://community.livejournal.com/damned/245151.html).

With Byakuya gone Signum turned to Momo and Hokuto and sighed (cool-like. This was Signum, after all). Despite her best efforts life at Landel's refused to just be as simple as finding a few good allies and heading out to slaughter anything not wearing one of their insipid shirts every night.

She really needed to talk to Hitsugaya. The shinigami had the numbers and the organization, but they apparently came with a few strings attached. And she wanted to know what they were.

Momo watched Byakuya leave and then looked at the ground. She bit her lip, wincing a little at the soreness she'd forgotten was there, and felt the tears swell. She took a half-step toward Signum, reaching out to the knight with her hand, but then stopped herself. Her hand fell to her side where she clenched and unclenched her hands a couple times as she resisted the urge to go cry on Signum's shoulder. The knight just wasn't the type willing to deal with it. She knew Signum cared, but warm physical comfort was not her style. The shinigami felt safe with her around, but it was too much to ask the knight to let her cry like a beaten child upon her.

"I'm... sorry, Signum," she said, her voice reflecting her current tempestuous emotional state. "I can't express how much I... cherish what you did."

Momo was very worried about how much Signum had heard before she punched Byakuya. And more importantly, she was worried how much less the knight thought of her now. This was the main reason Momo never talked about it all, why she'd avoided Hokuto's questioning. It was incredibly painful to tell people she'd been practically a willing pawn in a coup de tat of Soul Society, so much that she'd not only broken out of prison, but attempted to kill not one, but two captains.

And if Byakuya thought she'd only become vice captain because Aizen could manipulate her so easily, how many other shinigami did? Did any of the other shinigami here think that as well?

The tears slid down her cheeks again. "But still... I wish you hadn't seen or heard all that..." She was such a failure.

At least the confrontation was over. Hokuto wished that was the end of it for Momo, too, but whatever had happened wasn't something easily forgotten. She could truthfully say she knew how that felt, far too well--every time she smelled a cigarette, she couldn't help but remember Sei-chan even more strongly than usual. It didn't happen often at Landels, but it was often enough.

She still wasn't going to inquire about a thing, but if the shinigami wanted to talk to her, she'd be there. She came back over to her group, close enough to touch but didn't reach for Momo again. "Want to sit down for a while?" Sightseeing was going to be the last thing on the woman's mind for a while, and finding somewhere that at least gave the illusion of privacy would be good.

Signum completed the motion Momo could not, stepping closer to her and taking the retracted hand. The message was clear. The girl could take her comfort from her if she wished. The same stoicism that made her disinclined to offer this kind of physical comfort made it easy for her bear. It was no great thing…

But it did not change the fact that she was generally disinclined to it. She had offered some to Vita over the last decade, on those rare occasions when the little knight's emotions had overwhelmed her immense stubbornness, but Vita was a constant for her, quite literally. This was different.

And so she looked away. It might have been taken for an expression of embarrassment on the part of one who stood always apart from others and was not used to having them depend on her in this way... and largely, it was. But there was something else there; a small spark of guilt.

This was not a work of the heart. When Signum helped Momo, dispensed to her her wisdom or reassurances, she did so with forethought, and her aid was rendered with the awareness that it increased the girl's dependence on her. As Momo had been used, Signum used her.

"It couldn't be helped," she said, and whether she spoke to Momo or herself she didn't know.

Momo's hand tightened instantly around Signum's and the tears increased, the sobbing heard faintly from her throat. She squeezed her eyes shut and leaned her forehead against the knight. Her shoulders shook as she cried, but her body was very rigid. As much as she really, really, really appreciated Signum's willingness, it just didn't feel right. It was almost like sobbing on Hitsugaya over something he'd call her a dummy over, but not quite. She couldn't identify it, but it wasn't...

It wasn't what she needed.

What she needed was to be held like Renji always did those later years in the academy and when he was still in the 5th. It wasn't the familiarity she needed, nor was it something necessarily about Signum herself. If asked about it, Momo wouldn't be able to fully articulate why she chose to do what she did, but she knew it was better this way. Maybe, just maybe it was the familiarity in the end, but on a different level than most would think.

The shinigami drew in a deep breath after a few seconds of taking comfort in Signum and looked up at the knight. "Thank you, for trying," she whispered, squeezing the woman's hand.

She let go and turned to Hokuto, practically tackling the girl as she went, knocking her onto her rear as a harsh sob left her throat. The emotional overload from everything overrode her 'hugs = stabbity death' reflex and she wrapped her arms around the girl, taking handfuls of the girl's shirt in her grasp. Head upon Hokuto's shoulder, Momo closed her eyes and just cried.

Hokuto was startled, to say the least, by the tackle; she managed to take a step back, but Momo had thrown her too off-balance to catch herself. At least the grass was soft.

Once she was down, though, she just pulled Momo close in a comforting hug; she didn't need to know what was wrong to be there for her. "It's okay," she whispered in the shinigami's ear; meaningless words, but she knew Momo didn't want to be having this breakdown. Whatever was making her so upset wasn't okay in the slightest, but reacting to it was. "It's okay. I'm here."

Hokuto just curled herself around Momo slightly, holding her close; she wasn't going anywhere until Momo was calm again. If she missed the rest of the trip, so be it.

Signum smiled slightly, and not just because Hokuto had been knocked over. Momo had turned away from her...

Which meant she might not be in such need of Signum's support as Signum had thought. It was good to see them grow... or so she'd found to be the case with Testarossa. And Vita... much as she could grow.

...she kind of missed them.

Momo's crying increased to the point that she was sobbing like a child, soaking the front of Hokuto's shirt. No, it wasn't okay and wasn't ever going to be okay, but the shinigami appreciated the words from Hokuto nonetheless.

This was the kind of comfort that she'd been looking for, though no fault of Signum. Knowing the knight was there, and didn't seem to be going anywhere even after probably finding out about Momo's greatest failure, was all she needed from the knight. Signum was a friend, yes, but a different kind of friend than Hokuto was. The knight's continued support helped her stay focused on her duty and do the things she knew she needed to do. Momo wasn't alone and the knight's presence kept her strong in that belief; they were in this together.

Yet, Hokuto's exuberance, emotional vulnerability and overachieving nature was a tonic of a different nature for the broken shinigami. Hokuto provided a bit of light hearted amusement and a desire to do good, not to mention being openly caring.

One could say if you took Hinamori Momo and separated her two extremes into individual entities, they might resemble the two women with her. And she wouldn't do without either if she had the choice.

"Life is queer with its twists and turns, as every one of us sometimes learns," Momo finally spoke once her sobbing had subdued to a manageable level.

Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt

"...And you never can tell how close you are. It may be near when it seems far; so stick to the fight when you're hardest hit," she whispered more to herself than anyone else.

It’s when things go wrong that you mustn't quit.

She drew in a deep, shuddering breath. "I am not her. I am the pride of my division. I am not her anymore," she said quietly in an attempt to convince herself. "They don't all think like he does. They don't all think my entire career was a sham..."

Momo suddenly sobbed again. "Why did he DO that? I gave him everything I could... more if he'd asked..." She still couldn't come to terms that she'd been discarded by Aizen like a used paper cup.

"Was I nothing but a... a... pet to him?" she asked between racking sobs. Not that she expected anyone to have an answer. Nor did she want to hear one.

Why did he DO that? was a question Hokuto had asked herself more times than she could count, over the last month; she wondered what had happened to make Momo ask the same. She knew the pain the woman was going through; if she let herself cry over all that had happened, over her worries for Subaru, she would sound a lot like this.

There were, she knew, no good answers in this.

She shook her head, not offering any replies; even if she had known the situation, words couldn't heal a broken heart. The only way she herself had been able to cope with her cries of "how could he?" was to make sure Seishirou wouldn't hurt her brother. She'd done that... and yet she still couldn't rest, and her heart was still more broken than she could ever show.

I'm sorry, Momo-chan. I'm so sorry. Hokuto just held her friend tight; comfort was all she had to offer, and so she would be here as long as Momo needed her to be.

"I'll never understand why," Momo sobbed. "Why... why..." She swallowed. "I've got to prove..." Her voice grew a little in strength. "No. I will prove it."

"I am shiniga--" And she realized she was being held very tightly. Her body stiffened and the crying cut off along with her words, her eyes wide. It took her a moment of panic to force herself to remember it was Hokuto holding her and she'd needed the comfort from the girl.

"Please let go, right now, Hokuto," Momo said quickly as she fought to keep her panic under control.

Hokuto did as told, scooting back a bit just to be safe... "What is it?" she asked, gently. Momo could continue what she'd been saying, explain why she couldn't handle being held for long, anything--Hokuto was just there to comfort her friend, and she could say as much or as little as she wanted. Talking did help, sometimes.

All right, Hokuto had told her girlfriend and Kakyou very little when she saw them each for the last time, but that was because she didn't want to hurt them any more; better not to extend the goodbye. With Momo, whatever had happened was already past--and no matter what had happened, Hokuto wasn't abandoning her. If Momo wanted to talk guilt... their circumstances were almost undoubtedly different, but she was no stranger to it anymore.

Momo let out her breath as Hokuto let go, but reached out to grab the front of the girl's hoodie to keep her close. She was going to have to make herself overcome this aspect of the post-traumatic stress she was just starting to realize she suffered from.

Momo's breathing leveled out as she concentrated on regulating it and she closed her eyes. She drew in a very deep breath and opened her eyes, though she focused them upon her hand gripping Hokuto's shirt.

"I was..." This was really hard to form into a coherent sentence, much less one she could actually say. "B-back..." She fell silent again, squeezing her eyes shut a moment before resuming her attempt to speak, her voice very quiet. "Before I awoke here..."

Just say it! If you can't let your own team know WHY you freak out like you do, because you all watch each others' backs, you'll never start dealing with it, Momo.

"The last thing I remember... is crying in the arms of the man that was my world... happy he was alive... safe..." She swallowed, her body shaking visibly as she tried to hold herself together long enough to finish what she'd started.

"Then he ran me through," she said, her voice cracking as her other hand went to her chest right where she could feel the ache of the wound she knew should have scarred.

And so it came out. Signum had suspected Momo's trauma was something of this nature, but to be so callously dispatched by someone she still loved and trusted implicitly was in its degree worse than she would have guessed.

Betrayal... she'd usually been on the opposite end of that equation, she supposed, though she never remembered how things ended. Whether that had been a mechanism of the Book to keep them functioning, a mercy it did them, or simply another random consequence of its breaking she'd never know... but she did know that because of it she'd played a part in leading all the former masters who'd completed the Book to their deaths.

Outwardly, Signum simply watched impassively. Momo had chosen Hokuto for this; she was but a witness.

Hokuto wondered if the man Momo referred to was at Landels... hopefully not Ichimaru. She hoped not--having to see the man she loved, who had killed her (or tried to), would be beyond hard.

She couldn't quite say she knew how it felt, but she had a pretty good idea.

She put a hand over Momo's; if she couldn't handle being held anymore, they could at least still touch. "I know there's nothing I can say to make you feel better," she said, giving her friend a sad smile. Her heart was broken all to pieces, too; what a pair they made. "But any time you need to talk, let me know." Later, she'd tell Momo more about why she could sympathize so well; for now, though, this wasn't the time.

"Thank you," Momo said quietly and swiped a hand at her tears. For the moment, something in her felt a little lighter. "I don't understand... that was really painful and hard to say, but I feel a little better now that I have."

She finally looked up. "Now you know why I... uhh... freaked out the other night and threw you." She looked up at the knight. "Same goes for you and the music room, Signum." She swallowed hard, her eyes steeling just a little so her two friends would understand how serious she was about her next words. "You two know more about the specifics of my... issues than anyone other than Ichimaru - only because he was present for it. It is very important that you tell no one... how vulnerable I was when I was..." She faltered but pushed through the desire to internally flee from this conversation. "... impaled. Yes, most of it is my own pride, embarrassment and pain, but mostly its to protect the others, especially Shiro-chan, from what the knowledge would do to them."

Her eyes dropped. "Some pain is best left to bear alone," she whispered. Though she did just tell Hokuto and Signum, so one would think she wasn't bearing it on her own anymore.

"Please don't expect me to ever willingly talk about this again, but if you must know more and ask, I will answer." Momo paused. "At least somewhat."

Signum frowned. "We're the first you've told? You've only known us for a few days, Hinamori." She wasn't sure she liked being trusted that much. It wasn't that she considered herself untrustworthy- she was, at her core, a person of honor. But Momo didn't know that. And while she wanted the girl to trust her, she'd meant for that to happen on her terms. The development of a respect, and hopefully admiration, not this sudden thrusting of her person into the center of Momo's emotional world.

She shook her head, both at the development and at Momo's words. "If it really is to protect others I can accept your request, but be sure you are not isolating yourself out of shame. It can be overcome." And undoubtedly, those she knew from her old life could be of more help than Signum.

"Sometimes it's easier to tell the people you don't know well," Hokuto pointed out. If either of them had rejected Momo for this, it would have hurt, but she would have gotten over it. Someone like Hitsugaya, meanwhile...

To Momo, she said, "I promise I won't tell. And I won't bring it up again without a reason." She often dealt with her own pain by pushing it aside, by distracting herself; she couldn't fault the other for doing the same.

"But," she added, "if you want to talk--or just have company--I'm here."

Momo shot an annoyed look up at Signum. "Do you really think it was my intention to have a giant emotional breakdown right here in front of both of you? What happened to me just kind of came out as I apparently needed to get it off my chest. I'd freaked out on both of you and since we need to count on each other at night, I had this odd feeling that perhaps you should know why I freaked out." Her annoyed expression turned slightly more toward a glare. "Besides, it's not like I told you everything that happened and I'm not going to."

She sighed, her face going slack, and she let go of Hokuto's hoodie. "I am ashamed, and I will overcome it. On my own. Someone else created who the 5th Division vice captain was before. I have to create who she is now. It's hard and I'm a bit lost, but it's something I have to do. For me."

"I can't... I won't let Shiro-chan know because he'll... Gah! I can't even explain it." She put a hand to her temple and shook her head. "It'll hurt him in ways I can't describe and he'll..." Probably end up getting himself killed.

Momo squeezed Hokuto's hand in gratitude for her words and got to her feet. She took a moment to wipe the tears off her face. "But I've dumped more on you both than either of you deserve, and I apologize for that." She coughed a little and adjusted her sweater. "Now, I'm going to go find Hitsugaya to give him my report and let you two talk about me while I'm not here."

"If you don't hear anything in regards to tonight's mission because of this field trip, we'll meet at F23 as before and I'll have something for us to focus on," the shinigami said to the two women before turning and walking out of the park. She needed to clear her head from the emotional massacre that had occurred in that park.

[to here. (http://community.livejournal.com/damned/245488.html)]

"Good," was Signum's cool reply.

When Momo was gone Signum just looked at Hokuto and walked off.

[[To Kelley Street (http://community.livejournal.com/damned/245488.html).]]

[[Running after her!]]

Day 28: Morris Park

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject