damned_institute | Day 27: Breakfast

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Day 27: Breakfast

Day came too soon.

Sora hadn't been able to find Rena, had instead been forced to crumple onto the grass of the recreational field and bleed all over himself, and hadn't even accomplished what he'd been sent out to do. What he'd been entrusted to do. He didn't know how he was going to be able to face Renji and the others, but he also knew he wasn't going to hide from them, either. That would just be low, after all, and he was ready to face up to the consequences.

He didn't try to make excuses for himself. Even though there had been a Special Counseling patient, they had managed to take her down by sheer numbers. The fact that he hadn't seen any sign of Rena was what had him the most worried. He hoped he could find her today.

The boy laid in his bed for a good while that morning before his nurse finally came in to collect him. She clucked over the bandages wrapped tightly around his chest and leg, and asked him if he was okay to walk.

Once Sora assured her he was fine (he didn't really want to use crutches, as that would just attract attention to himself, and he didn't need others worrying over him), they made their way to the cafeteria. Sora yawned and winced against the bright light of morning - it seemed even earlier than usual, and he realized why when they entered the cafeteria and found it empty.

The boy shuffled over to grab a chocolate chip pancake, a bowl of cereal, and a glass of milk (good for the bones, or so his mom had always told him) before settling at a table. He kept an eye on the door, hoping he would see Rena walking in soon.

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Allen shook his head slowly. Why did they have to be so nice? Didn't they know how much harder that made things? "Not hungry," he said in reply to Rukia. It wasn't an outright lie. He didn't know if he could really stomach anything at the moment, whether his body needed it or not.

He could feel Bridget's hand moving across the bandages that still covered his arms. Allen scrunched his eyes shut. Why couldn't he just forget? Why were they trying to get involved? He would just end up hurting them... he wasn't strong enough.

"We got here yesterday. Allen was our first friend." Bridget frowned at how tense Allen was and shifted slightly closer with a frown. He hated to see any of his friends upset, even if he didn't know why.

Roger had always told him it was a weakness, but Bridget didn't care.

"You don't have to eat right now," he assured the other boy. "It might make you feel a bit better though, if you tried."

Rukia looked at Bridget over Allen's head, eyebrows drawn together in concern. Something awful must have happened to get Allen to act like this. Even when he'd first arrived, and been convinced that all the shinigami were deadly 'Akuma', he hadn't been this upset.

She nodded when Bridget answered her question, though. "Well, he's a good friend to have," she said firmly. Pushing her tray aside for a moment, Rukia took out her notebook and a pen. Flipping to an empty page, she began drawing. "So, Bridget, what did you do last night?"

He shook his head again. Why couldn't they just leave him out of things? "I... I don't want to," he insisted a little more fervently. "I just... I just want to sleep, that's all." He buried his head deeper in his arms, his thin shoulders stiffly drawn together.

Well, he's a good friend to have.

Allen's stomach turned at that. It wasn't so. She only thought that because she didn't know the things he'd done. She didn't know what a horrible person he was or why he'd been the only one to survive. "Don't say that," he told her quietly, barely audible over the buzz of the cafeteria conversation.

Bridget frowned. "We a bit, but I didn't find anything interesting, or a way out." Day had come oddly fast.

He frowned again at Allen and his whispered words. It was too much. Bridget had so few friends, that when he made one, he never wanted them to be unhappy.

They might wind up leaving him alone if that happened.

He moved his hand to Allen's back, still making gentle motions. He would have wrapped him into a hug, but he was trying to be at least a bit proper.

Rukia scribbled furiously, unsure for a moment if she had heard Allen correctly. This wasn't going to be one of her master-pieces, but it would have to do for now. Tearing out the sheet of paper, she slapped it down in front of Allen.**

Leaning her head over the table in the hopes that she could see Allen's face (she couldn't), Rukia said, "Now, I'm not going to listen to that kind of talk from you. I happen to have excellent taste in friends, so arguing will do you no good!" She hoped that, between Bridget's gentle touch and her own special kind of affection, Allen would cheer up a little.

**[Rukia-style drawing of two bunnies. One has a star over an eye, like Allen's 'tattoo'. The bunnies are holding hands, surrounded by flowers and butterflies.]

Allen's head rose slightly from the table as Rukia slapped the drawing down in front of him. He didn't look up to meet her eyes, but scanned the drawing briefly. His eyes here drawn to the messy pentacle on the silly looking bunny's face. His curse.

"I'm sorry," he said, as much to the girls as to the drawing before him. I didn't mean to hurt you... he wanted to say. He tried to scoot his chair backward. A difficult task with Bridget there at his side, a hand on his back. "I should go."

That was quite enough of that. Bridget's gaze hardened slightly.

"I think not," he said. His voice deepened slightly, though it was still not masculine in any way, shape or form, and his hand firmed against Allen's back. "You are the only friend I have in this place, and I won't let my friend sulk in a corner for whatever reason he may think is right."

Bridget seemed to have the right idea. So far, Rukia had been very gentle with Allen; he hadn't really done anything to arouse her anger. But this sulking was no good. Rukia gave a small nod to Bridget, then turned back to Allen, her tone shocked, "What, no thank you for such a work of art?"

Her hand came up to cup Allen's chin, trying to make him look at her. "You have to realize that we're not going to let you get out of here," she said, her voice calm, but firm. "So you're either going to tell me what's gotten you so upset, or you're going to be wearing your breakfast for the rest of the day."

"It doesn't matter where I go," he said quietly to Bridget. "She won't let me forget." His body shook at the memory of last night and the tattooed hands that had been so cold on his skin.

Tears started to fall from his eyes when he felt Rukia's hands against his face. Clear and shining from his right eye, but black like ink from his glowing left. He tugged away, wiping the mess on his bandaged arm. "I can't, I'm sorry," he said finally. "I didn't mean to," he said quietly. "I didn't want to hurt anyone..." He knew it was too late to be forgiven. Mana had neither lips nor voice to give it to him. Those last words he'd spoken... it was the curse he still bore. The curse he'd rightfully earned. "I was afraid... I didn't mean to..." His voice shook and he folded his arms around himself tightly, his eyes cold and haunted.

Bridget's expression softened and, without thinking, he reached out and drew the other boy into a hug. He didn't care if Allen soaked his shirt with those odd tears, he didn't like to see anyone cry.

He'd seen stranger things anyway.

His touch was gentle and he made soft, soothing sounds. He knew all about those words, and about what kinds of things could drive one to utter them.

Rukia's brow creased in concern at Allen's words. "Were you... Were you one of the people being controlled last night? " she asked, hesitantly. Allen seemed to be suggesting that he had done smething he hadn't meant to last night.

Not wanting to overwhelm the boy, Rukia simply rested a hand on his back. She wondered if perhaps she should heal him; sometimes physical injury only compounded emotional wounds.

Controlled? If only he had such an excuse. His decisions had been all his own. He shook his head and let Bridget hug him, though he didn't move to hug her back, nor did he look up. He could see though; Mana's metallic Akuma body, hear his voice as he cursed him, his cries as the claw crushed him, taking him from this world once again. He'd cried then too, not because of the deep cut to his left eye, but because it was like Mana had gone all over again. He'd have gladly switched places, even knowing what an Akuma was; what it could become.

He'd sat for a long time in the graveyard afterward, staring at the mound of earth and the stone with Mana's name inscribed upon it. He'd always tried to forget. Tried to pretend that it didn't bother him. Pretended that if he kept busy enough or tried hard enough or got strong enough that somehow... that would make up for it. But the memory remained, vivid as if it had happened just yesterday. And mixed with it, were her feelings as well.

Bridget frowned at that. Controlling people? It was the first he'd heard of it. He sighed and didn't let Allen go.

"Even if whatever happened, even if you blame yourself, it's over and done." His voice was soft. "You did everything that you could and that's all there is to it." Allen was acting like Dizzy did whenever she hurt someone or when she broke something. It wasn't that it wasn't her fault. She just couldn't help it. It wasn't anything to freak out over.

Even Bridget had days like that, but his .... problems were because of his birth. He knew exactly what he was, but he'd also learned it wasn't something he could help.

So Allen hadn't been under the Institute's control last night. If that was the case, then he had likely done something by accident, something that had hurt someone else. But he clearly didn't want to, or couldn't, talk about it. It was an all too familiar situation for Rukia. What if, what had happened to Renji... No, Allen said that he had hurt someon else, not the other way around.

"Bridget's probably right, you know," she said, moving her thumb lightly over Allen's back. "I know, and you know, that you would never hurt anyone on purpose. But if that's it - if you did hurt someone - did you apologize, or explain? Sometimes that can make all the difference." For some reason, she was reminded of Kaien; he had forgiven her - even thanked her - but she still didn't know if she could ever forgive herself. That was neither here nore there, though.

Allen rubbed his arms and tried not to shake. Maybe there was some truth to what they'd said, but little of it got through to him. There hadn't been time for apologies or explanation. "No," he said with a slight shake of his head. "It was my fault... I can't... I can't save anyone. I couldn't then... and now..." At least Emily and Ravi had made it out ok.

He took a slow breath with a shuddering sigh. "You can't let her touch you."

Bridget fought the urge to sigh and swat Allen over the head. He succeded, but only just. He shifted out of the hug and pet the other boy's hair.

"Nobody's blamed you for anything Allen," he offered. "And if they do, then that's not fair." As far as Bridget knew, Allen was the only one blaming Allen. He didn't know all of the situation though...

"What was your fault? Who couldn't you save?" Rukia asked, confused by Allen's words.

At his last statement (a warning?), her thumb paused, hand fisting slightly into the back of Allen' shirt. Voice low, she asked, "Her? Who are you talking about?" If some woman had done anything to Allen, Rukia would be adding another name to the list beginning with Muraki.

Allen tried to let himself calm down. He took a few deep breaths and tried not to think about how pathetic he must look. "Mana," he said quietly, though there were many others. The Akuma Rhode had forced to self destruct... a soul that could never be saved. Then Suman Dark, the exorcist who'd fallen from grace, his own Innocence turned against him. "It was my-... he turned into an Akuma and... I didn't... I didn't mean for it to happen... I didn't know..."

The tight-fisted grip he'd had on his sleeves loosened as he concentrated on just finding the right words. He had to make sure they wouldn't run into the same thing. "It was a... an Asian woman, on the second floor. She had long hair... was covered in tattoos. It was a ghost, but... but that's silly... ghosts aren't real, they-" he bit back the rest and tasted blood on the inside of his cheek, but paid it no mind. "She... reached for me... touched my shoulder..." he swallowed back the fear that threatened to overtake him again.

"I don't know what happened. But... but I can't forget it... all the people I let die... because I wasn't strong enough to save them. The souls I couldn't save... Mana..."

He felt like a baby, but the tears came, and he was unable to stop them. "It's like they're all right there... just happened all over again. The others got away, but... then she came after me again." Instinctively, he put a hand to his neck, still bruised where she'd picked him up and tried to strangle him. "I'm sorry," he shook his head. "I... I should've been able to handle this... I shouldn't let it..."

Bridget's own eyes teared up, but he wouldn't allow himself to cry. That wouldn't help anything.

So instead, he wrapped Allen in another gentle hug. "It will be okay," he said softly. It wasn't okay now of course, but he knew that things would get better. They had to and, damn it, if there was one thing Bridget did well it was looking on the bright side of things.

Even if he was totally in the dark about everything else.

Mana. Rukia could only guess, but it seemed that he had been like a father or brother to Allen. "I... Mana became an Akuma?" she asked gently. From what little she knew of Akuma, they were monsters, but perhaps there was more to it. In reality, Rukia didn't know much about Allen, either; it seemed he had been through a lot in his short life.

She frowned at the description of the woman, and as Bridget pulled Allen into another hug, she finally noticed the marks on her friend's neck. Her hands balled into angry fists; if only she had been with Allen last night! "She wasn't a patient, then," Rukia said. "Another monster. And she... harmed you just by touching you?" Even if Allen didn't want to talk about it, informaton about the creatures that appeared at night could be important.

Allen leaned his head on Bridget's shoulder, trying to steady his breathing. How was it going to be okay? He wanted to ask, to yell. Just how was any of this going to be okay?! But he held it all back. It wouldn't help, it wouldn't do to get mad at the only ones trying to help him.

"Because I wished for it," he said to Rukia. "He died, but... the Earl said if I wished for it... he'd come back." He could almost see the graveyard on that dark and cold night. "He did... but he became an Akuma... because of me. The dead aren't meant to rise again. I didn't know... I didn't want to hurt anyone..."

He shrugged his thin shoulders. The ghost... no, she couldn't be a patient. "I don't know," he shook his head, "I think so... she got me and then..." Rhode. But Rhode had still been able to run. Rhode hadn't been shaken the same way he had. But Rukia wasn't supposed to know about her... He didn't want them to get hurt. Rhode was his problem and he'd find a way to handle her.

Bridget kept a light hold on Allen, running a hand over his hair and wanting to hurt whomever had made the kind boy from yesterday so unhappy.

He had nothing to say to either of them as he had no clue what an 'Akuma' was. It seemed like something he should know about though and he didn't want to seem like a moron.

SO he did the only thing he could: he held onto his friend and offered comfort.

"Oh, Allen," Rukia said quietly, "You... you didn't know. And I know that doesn't make you feel any better, but logically, you have to understand that." She wanted to tell Allen, I know how it feels to hurt someone you love. I killed someone I loved. But she didn't know Bridget, and didn't really feel comfortable talking about something so personal in front of the girl.

Then the Head Doctor's voice rang out over the intercom, and Rukia's only consolation was that she might at least get a chance to draw something. First, though, she would have to go talk to Captain Hitsugaya.

Standing, Rukia reached out to squeeze Allen's shoulder. "Let's talk about it later, okay?" she said gently. Then, to Bridget, "It was nice meeting you, Bridget." Turning, she headed to the sun room, trying not to look as though she wanted to run away.

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Day 27: Breakfast

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