Her flash of pain was unmistakable. Was that... guilt he felt? That struggling thread of feeling he'd tried so hard to bury away?
It was quite unlike him, he thought, to be so conflicted that one moment he could be promising himself no distractions with that knife-like intensity that often characterized his cruelty, and the next be reaching for her shoulders to hold her steady. Something like sympathy twisted in his gut, marring his expression with discomfort. The self-protective part of him wanted to crush that feeling, crush it until there was nothing left because that kind of feeling only got in the way.
The heartlessness of vampires was such a standard part of their image that it was almost easy to make it real. A heart that that didn't beat couldn't feel, couldn't care, couldn't mourn. Without loneliness, a vampire child couldn't miss home. Without affection, a vampire couldn't make someone else's pain his own and invest a part of his already withered reserves.
It hurt a little, to recognize how closed off he had become. But it also hurt to think he could like this girl. There was no good in it, these bonds between people who had no business being near one another.
His gaze wavered, dropping to the right of her. His voice, when it came, was far quieter than before. "Look, I know you're... you're tired. I know. But--" What was the 'but'? The girl didn't want to suffer and lose herself, and succumb to death. Was it any surprise that she wanted to seek out a solution? What cold-bloodedness lurked at the heart of his warnings to abandon her attempts?
Aidou didn't know. And he didn't know what words to use to fill the silence. He knew what he could say, that he could try and protect her and make things right. But--
But.
But.
Finally, he lowered his eyelids. There were times when his youthfulness seemed almost eerie, next to what lay underneath his skin. "I'm a mean person, you know. I only say these things because I don't fear your death the same way you do--you, who will probably never live as long as I. You should do what you see fit to save yourself."
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It was quite unlike him, he thought, to be so conflicted that one moment he could be promising himself no distractions with that knife-like intensity that often characterized his cruelty, and the next be reaching for her shoulders to hold her steady. Something like sympathy twisted in his gut, marring his expression with discomfort. The self-protective part of him wanted to crush that feeling, crush it until there was nothing left because that kind of feeling only got in the way.
The heartlessness of vampires was such a standard part of their image that it was almost easy to make it real. A heart that that didn't beat couldn't feel, couldn't care, couldn't mourn. Without loneliness, a vampire child couldn't miss home. Without affection, a vampire couldn't make someone else's pain his own and invest a part of his already withered reserves.
It hurt a little, to recognize how closed off he had become. But it also hurt to think he could like this girl. There was no good in it, these bonds between people who had no business being near one another.
His gaze wavered, dropping to the right of her. His voice, when it came, was far quieter than before. "Look, I know you're... you're tired. I know. But--" What was the 'but'? The girl didn't want to suffer and lose herself, and succumb to death. Was it any surprise that she wanted to seek out a solution? What cold-bloodedness lurked at the heart of his warnings to abandon her attempts?
Aidou didn't know. And he didn't know what words to use to fill the silence. He knew what he could say, that he could try and protect her and make things right. But--
But.
But.
Finally, he lowered his eyelids. There were times when his youthfulness seemed almost eerie, next to what lay underneath his skin. "I'm a mean person, you know. I only say these things because I don't fear your death the same way you do--you, who will probably never live as long as I. You should do what you see fit to save yourself."